Wednesday, October 31, 2007

A thought

I was on Marta yesterday when the thought occurred to me, "this shirt that I have on used to be brown."

It is now a faded, burnt-toast kind of color.

Tragic.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Sunday Night Reflections

I feel like I've been inside of a blender for the past month. School literally makes my head hurt. None of the classes are extremely difficult. Rather, it's just that they seem to be a hindrance more than anything else. I literally have no motivation to continue pressing on save for the fact that I'm so close to the finish line. I probably would have dropped out if I knew my parents wouldn't be absolutely livid if they were aware of such an action. Nevertheless, I try to focus. I'm receiving an education--something that is wholly undervalued in the current American culture. I should be giving thanks and not complaining.

The situation with Glorie seems to just intensify effortlessly. She called me recently. Though the initial moments of our conversation were absolutely blissful, the conversation came with hidden motives. Prefacing her statement with "oh boy...here comes the hard part" she proceeded to say "Do you even think before you write all that stuff online?"

Heart = crushed.

So it seems Glorie has even been consumed by this tornado surrounding this little piece of Internet that I author. The pieces just don't add up all around...

If Glorie has read any of my writing, she would have had to access it herself or it would have had to have been shown to her. If she found it by herself, then I actually see reason to praise. Her finding it by herself would mean that she would be gaining more of her memory (even if it involves me). This is extremely significant because the only way she would have access to my blog is if she were online. Since there's no internet in Wauchula (or cell phone reception), it would only make sense to conclude that she viewed it at home. And, of all the things she chooses to relish in when she's home, she chooses to look me up. That would surely be intriguing.

However, if my writing was simply shown to her (whether through someone's laptop or printed out), then the predicament changes greatly. Remember, the explanations given to me is that the goal is to shield Glorie from all things that would even remotely hinder her progress. That's why the mere mention of my name is unacceptable. Were one to mention my name in front of Glorie, it would have the potential to invoke dormant feelings that she may/may not have for me, and thus confuse Glorie with how she should feel about Ryan. Therefore, one of the rules with visiting Glorie is no speaking of Fred.

Only a select few have access to Glorie. Surely those few are aware of the situation that we're so thoroughly entrenched in. So, what wisdom is there in showing Glorie any of my writing? The most reasonable explanation I can think of is that she would be shown so that she could be aware of what's going on. However, if that were the case, I surely hope that whomever showed Glorie my writings also told Glorie about the context with which those words were written. They should have gone through the laborious task of explaining just how things have gotten to this level. Even go to the extent of telling Glorie how her best friend Myriam was denied the role of support as well. Otherwise, if those steps were not taken, Glorie only receives a partial (and quite biased) report of the truth.

It sucks. I hate talking about this crap. It just gets tiring having to go through this. Yet the more and more I try to focus, the more and more peculiar things happen. Prior to Glorie's phone call, I had not contacted any one of her family for well over 2 months. Then she calls out of nowhere with something as judgmental as saying "Do you even think before you write that stuff online?" Seeds are clearly being planted in her head and it's disturbing.

The cynical response, of course, would be "well why don't you just take your blog down?" That's a good honest question to have. But I will not answer that now. I will wait until perhaps my next entry to properly answer that question. I want to just make sure of one thing...

Friday, October 26, 2007

Wait a second

It's not a bad thing that I care about Glorie!

...but why would so many believe such?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007



sometimes when it rains it pours.

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Joy (Part V)

The effects of this situation concerning Glorie has been unreal. Due to the nature of the accident, my emotions have been extreme to say the least. Further, add to that the mix of the ensuing drama that lingers needlessly and it really just makes my head hurt. Surprisingly, despite all of this, I've found a very satisfying joy. I haven't been able to completely grasp it, but I've tasted it--and it's rocked my world.

Often times I had to fight personal resentment and bitterness toward Glorie's family and Ryan for what they have done to me and my family. Yet God, in His great mercy, revealed very early on that any bitterness I hold on to will be simply poison in my system. Essentially, it would corrupt my mind and affect my life in general. It would be wise to let it all go.

Yet there's something bigger going on here. I can say, with certainty, that I truly believe God is using this situation (discord and all) to truly shape me.

I have never in my entire life been so dependent on Christ compared to the past few months.
I have never prayed so hard for a singular purpose/person in my life prior to the accident.
I have never had a bigger view of God as I do now; and yet I wouldn't have it were it not for Him showcasing His wonder time and time again through Glorie.
Perhaps most profound...I have never been so expectant of God in my life. Clearly Glorieanne's life has great purpose. I boil over with excitement when I ponder the lives that will be impacted through Glow. In stark contrast, I likewise have full expectation that God will shine light to the drama going on as well.

This is not to say that this process has been painfree. Quite the opposite actually. As critical I've been of Ryan and Glorie's family, all Christ had to do was hold up a mirror to humble me. I've never been so thoroughly disgusted in my life at myself. Here I was blasting people...thoughtlessly questioning motives behind each and every person when deep down inside, though I said all the right words and did all the right things, buried beneath the shine was the fact that I wanted to get close to Glorie. I wanted to be "that guy."

I was selfish.

Yet God, in His continued gentleness, showed me that not all was bad. I truly want the best for Glorie and that wasn't a bad thing. I just needed to purify my thoughts and attitudes. Before I go gallivanting how altruistic I am (and how other people weren't) I failed to consider how desperately I needed rescue from my faults. Jesus was right; why was I complaining about the speck of dust in my brother's eye when I had a plank thoroughly lodged in mine? Naturally, this transforming of my mind took awhile. But I feel peaceful in the place I've found myself.

I can say, without any conviction at all, that I hold nothing against Ryan or Glorie's family. But my belief still remains. This situation that they're predicating for Glorie is going to be an absolute disaster. Everything is real sunny and cloudless right now but when the storm comes, the house is going to be washed away.

No one can speak about this with greater authority than me. When Glorie and I broke up (which is another extreme emotional situation), who was there but her family and friends? Whom did she seek solace from? Her Savior, her family, and her close friends.

Now that Glorie has had this accident, who will be there for her? Her Savior, family and close friends. But it's not being set up that way. It's being manipulated such that Ryan is put on a pedestal in Glorie's life. Almost as if he's been her boyfriend for her entire life. This seems to be so significant, in fact, that Glorie's family feels the need to exile (and consequently rob Glorie of the support that comes from) two of Glow's best friends.

This is precisely the danger that I see so clearly. Ryan is being esteemed so highly that it puts pressure on the both of them to be that love story. Tita Maricor has been quick to gloat and boast of him with all the family who have traveled to visit Glorie. Ryan has relished in his role. But it's only going to make for a more violent disaster in the end.

Suppose Glorie and Ryan continue in this boyfriend/girlfriend predicament. Eventually they will get into a fight (of this, I am completely certain). They'll probably be able to blow right through all the minor fights but inevitably one day will come. One day they will get in one of those foundation-shaking, relationship-breaking fights...and this world that they're building around Glorie will simply shatter.

Glorie barely has a history with Ryan. All of her memories will be of his inflated role in her recovery process. This will lead to tremendous pressure for her to like him just cause everyone else likes him. And Glorie, in her appeasing manner, will bear that burden without letting anyone know.

In fact, she already has. Prior to the accident, she couldn't even be forth with her parents about her feelings about Ryan just cause he charmed them so well (and they were so enamored with him). How much higher will the fall be considering his "prince charming" status with this accident? It's going to be an explosion of epic proportions.

Yet, I have found my joy. I used to cry endlessly at night worried sick about Glorie. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I was unwell. Thankfully, God brought me out of that desert.

I have realized so much now that I take time to reflect. Christians, no matter how mature their spirit may be, still make mistakes...and that's ok. Despite being a counselor and role model to so many, Tita Maricor is not perfect. I foolishly believed that everyone who is a Christian makes perfect decisions at all times. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yet God, in his great mercy, takes our mistakes and turns them into glorious things.

Paul relentlessly killed people...and God turned him into the greatest missionary ever.
Peter shamelessly denied his association with Jesus several times...and God made him the rock God would build his church from.
A woman got caught sleeping around...and God personally said "I don't hold this against you."

This is why Paul is able to say that God works ALL things together for good for those who are in Christ. So, even though the path is headed toward sure destruction (and pain), there must be a greater purpose with which God is mysteriously working.

If this were a movie, this would be the part where I put a big bow on everything. All of this drama would be straightened out and there would be no lasting effects as a result.

But this isn't a movie.

I still think about Glorie for hours upon the day and wonder just what is going through her head. I still miss Glorie and all her family dearly. I wonder when I'm finally going to get a subpoena from Ryan's team of lawyers. I still have to wilfully choose not to retain any impure thoughts in my head toward Ryan. It's still really hard and still really distracting.

But then again I realize that I'm but a mere brush stroke in the enormous mosaic that God is creating...and I start to smile.

No, I don't have Glorie anymore...but I do have Christ.

And I'm loving every minute of it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Aftermath (Part IV)

Considering the decisions that have been made (and the ramifications of such), we find ourselves at a rather precarious situation. You'll get different stories from different people. Glorie's family will probably maintain the position of "we're still friends" if one were to ask them what the relationship status is between our families. My family, well my parents specifically, would probably say likewise sentiments. Yet, this fake, rehearsed response is far from truthful.

My parents finally ended up talking with Tita Maricor a few weeks ago. They didn't really disclose many specific details regarding their conversation with me but a few things really stood out to me.

1) Though my mom and dad both spoke individually to Tita Maricor, they both cried afterwards. My parents love Glorie and her family very, very much. I imagine the conversation was extremely painful to them.

2) Somewhere in the conversation, Tita Maricor told my mom specifically that Ryan and Glorie had been going out for one week prior to Glorie's accident. This is a complete and utter LIE. If they were going out, there are two scenarios (both of which I've personally witnessed) that should never have occurred...

- During one of my stays in the hospital (it was that sunday), many people from Glorie's church went to go visit her. One of those was a gentleman by the name of Brother Tom (I believe he's the college pastor or something at FBCCF). Anyway, Brother Tom went on to say the following:

[to me] "What's your relationship to Glorie?"
"Me? I'm simply another one of her friends."
[to Ryan] "What is your relationship then?"
"I'm her friend too."

So, if Ryan truly had been going out with Glorie for a week prior to the accident, he no doubt would be ashamed of that fact would he? Therefore, it would be appropriate for him to tell the truth here to Brother Tom and say "I'm her boyfriend."

- On the other hand, if Glorie and Ryan were truly going out, then surely she would have told someone in her family. Yet, for the entirety of my time down there, there was never a mention of that fact. Everyone confirmed that they definitely got really close, but no one confirmed that they were in fact officially "boyfriend/girlfriend."

Supplement that with the fact that to literally every guest that came to visit Glorie, Tita Maricor and Tito Henry introduced Ryan merely as Glorie's friend. It wasn't until Wauchula that he gained that title "Glorie's boyfriend." Further, I personally asked Tita Maricor if anything was going on between Glorie and Ryan (remember...this is where she maintains that "Glorie doesn't choose me and Glorie doesn't choose Ryan."), and she maintained that there was nothing going on.

So there you have it. Either Tita Maricor is lying and told a lie straight up to me (and subsequently my mom), or Ryan is lying and lied needlessly to a pastor of a church. Either one of those things are equally likely to be true...or the fact of the matter is that Glorie and Ryan were never together in the first place--that was only predicated ever since this Ryan was confirmed to be "of the Lord." It's ridiculous all the way around.

3) The end result of my parents' conversation with Tita Maricor ended up in a stern command to not have any contact with me by any means. In their opinion, if Glorie's family has the audacity to make such a ludicrous request to me, then it's certainly not out of the question to ask likewise. Don't know about that but what can I do?


That's where things are. There are a plethora of relationships that have been able to develop and grow as a result of the relationship Glorie and I had. All of these relationships were built, brick-by-brick, with trust and time. It took over 4 years to cultivate these beautiful bonds. Yet when you look at those kinships now, you all you find are the shattered remnants of willful destruction. Every single relationship has been demolished...and for what? To pursue and sustain Glorie and Ryan's romance? What a foolish trade.

This result is precisely why it's so hard for me to believe the claims that Tita Maricor has tried to maintain during this whole situation. She claims that the relationship between our families are so pure that they transcend my relationship with Glorie. Further, she tries to maintain the view that she still views me as her "anak."

Yet the actions are completely contradictory to these mere words.

If I were truly her son, I would be treated differently. Ryan's threats to call the police or pursue litigation against me would be immediately quelled--parents wouldn't let something reach that level needlessly. But they don't do anything about it. Instead of reprimanding Ryan for such a thoughtless decision, they accuse me through email of things I have never done. If I am a son to them, then I'm surely not valued highly.

If our families' relationships were bigger than my relation with Glorie, then all the support from my family wouldn't be filtered out. Support as simple as a DVD (where people cried and purposely prayed over Glorie to specifically bring her encouragement) would not be taken away. And for what? "We don't want Glorie to get confused with how she should feel about Ryan." Again, exchanging support for romance. My mom probably hit that nail on the head.

"Mare, did you know that my son made that DVD not just for Glorie, but for your whole family? That is your last memory of mommy. Where did you put it?"
"..... it's with Ryan."


It's been really hard being in the middle of this entire storm. I've wanted to sustain everything that was once so beautiful to everyone; but now it's all been burned. What's most painful, perhaps, is that the whole time I was trying to hold this structure up, the people who were supposed to be family to me inserted knife after knife into my back. Not content with keeping it at that, they exacerbate the predicament by putting salt in the wounds.

"We're doing what God wants us to do. You're only going to make it harder on yourself to heal by destroying our reputations."

Oh, and besides dealing with that, take into consideration that my Grandmother was literally dying all this time. Then you get a taste of what my life has been like for the past 2 months.


Lastly, Tita Maricor told me (the last time that we talked), that she wanted me to shine light where she may not have been looking before. I've been trying to do that the entire time. The entire 4+ years I was with Glorie, our relationship never stood in the way of ANY of her other friendships. Not only has her relationship with Ryan contributed to the destruction of my family's relationship with her, but it's also stood in the way of Myriam's (one of her most dear friend) relationship with her as well.

Glorie once told my mom specifically, "I value your family so much Tita Cherry. I'm still not sure how I feel about Ryan...but I know that I don't want things between me and him to get in the way between both of our families. It just wouldn't be worth it."

Friday, October 12, 2007

The Avalanche (Part III)

The letter that Tita Maricor sent was the first step in this downward spiral. As I've been told, the letter was supposed to be a response to my email to them in the first place. Yet the thing is, there are several things that just don't make any sense when you take all things into consideration. Talking with Tita Maricor over the phone at length about this didn't clear up anything either. Just more vague answers.

Before I left Florida, I talked alone with Tita Maricor. She specifically said that, as it stands between Glorie, me, and Ryan, nothing was decided. The situation was neutral. "Glorie doesn't choose you and Glorie doesn't choose Ryan. We want to keep it that way."

Yet in the month following Glorie's accident, Ryan was able to gain increased time with Glorie's family. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that...after all he does care for Glorie and her family too. However, I started to question the true motive behind the actions. When you break it all down, Ryan's link to Glorie is romantic (just as my link with Glorie is romantic). Therefore, it is understandable why one would believe that Ryan may or may not have 100% pure intentions in the situation. It's plausible that a very small part of the reasons why Ryan was so flagrantly present in the recovery process was due to the fact that he wanted to be "that guy" who was there for her since day 1. Again, the link would be romantic.

Seeing this as potential danger, I tried desperately to contact Tita Maricor about it. I couldn't get a hold of them...so I wrote them an email. I simply put how potentially dangerous the situation would be if he (or I for that matter) were to leverage the situation for the benefit of romance. After all, when you strip it all away, Glorie will only have her God and her family to depend on when it's all said and done. Glorie lived for 20 years without Ryan and for 16 years without me. Both Ryan and I, due to the fact that we're linked romantically to Glorie, should automatically be placed at the bottom of the priority chain. It is my strong belief that a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, in the context of a fragile situation such as Glorie's, should be the last thing that is preserved.


Yet the exact opposite happened.


As it turned out, Glorie's family never allowed her the freedom of progressing naturally on her own. The situation was predicated so that, should Glorie regain consciousness again, Ryan would be one of the first faces that she sees.

This of course would be contrary to Tita Maricor's statement to me about everything staying neutral. Even in that letter she sent to me, she maintained the fact that they tried to keep it neutral but I can hardly believe that to be the case when you force Ryan down her throat. I asked her about it on when we finally talked on the phone.

"You say you wanted Glorie to naturally remember me. You wanted Glorie to naturally have memories of me and not be forced into them...so why not do the same for Ryan?"

"Because at that time we knew that Ryan is of the Lord."

"How did you know?"

"We just knew."


We just knew. What exactly do you say to that? What does that mean? I asked further for reasons why it's necessary to uphold Ryan as the prince to princess Glorie all this time. I received the following generic responses:

- "He provides support for her that Glorie can't get from us."

This is a true statement that I would heartily agree with. The problem is that it's a statement that's true for everyone. Glorie receives support from Myriam that she can't receive from her family. Glorie receives support from Tita Belle that she can't receive from her family. Glorie receives support from Pastor Cloer that she can't receive from her family. It's the truth.

- "His availability."

This is perhaps the weakest reason given to me. I asked Tita Maricor straight up about this very issue. Of all the people who would no doubt be willing to offer their services to help Glorie's family during their time of need, why would she voluntarily choose to take Ryan up on his offer over everyone else?

The response?
"With Ryan I don't have to worry."

"What does that mean?"

"You're right when you say that anyone else would be willing to drive me back and forth and everything. But with everyone else, I would have to worry about their family and if they have to go to work the next day and their car and everything. With Ryan I don't have to worry about any of those things."

"That doesn't make any sense. You're basically telling me that Ryan is Glorie's boyfriend just cause he has a job that allows him to take off whenever he wants."

"No, it's just one of the ways he's able to play his unique role."

"So what if Omar were available like Ryan was...would you take his offer to drive you around? What if Kara were available like Ryan was...would you take her offe-"

"I don't like those what ifs that you're telling. Those questions just make it very confusing and are only from the enemy."


Don't really know what to say after that. She went from completely non-defensive toward me to absolutely defensive within a matter of 1 sentence. I suppose she does have a point though. Yet that doesn't make my questions any less valid. They are legitimate questions and are relevant to my situation. They're still left unanswered.


There wasn't really any further reasoning given. Just those two things.


Last, and perhaps most ridiculous, is this ensuing drama about this blog of mine. When Kat Kat and Raychill when down to see Glorie, they got to meet Ryan. That's not significant in and of itself, but one thing I do want to point out is that it was told to me how Ryan gladly boasted upon the fact that, and I quote: "there's nothing but the Holy Spirit inside of me."

oh?

Galatians 5. Anyone who has the fruits of the spirit has love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.


Apparently this journal of mine when you do a bit of searching. I'm not exactly sure what to think about that. I've done searching for my blog (using the speicific matters with which my journal was apparently found) and have had nothing but mixed results.

Anyway, apparently it really pissed Ryan off to know that I wrote about him and Glorie. I'm still unsure as to what the big problem is. I asked Tita Maricor to prove to me where I was lying or making anything up in any of my writing. She said that I never lied about anything--it's just that I'm stepping over the lines when I talk about other people.

What lines do I cross? I write down my thoughts. When I think about people, I think about them on a name-by-name basis. Further, I try my hardest not to distort the truth such that I exaggerrate anything. Further, I don't advertise this small speck of internet to a single person. Someone must voluntarily choose to read my writing for them to be affected by any means.

In any case, apparently Ryan took great issue with what I said. He got so mad, in fact, that he called the police on me. This is significant in that it contradicts directly with his proud comment of being 100% Holy Spirit filled. If Ryan has a problem against me, is he not supposed to confront me directly about it? Then, if I still don't listen, is he not supposed to confront me with only two or three people (to further validate his qualm against me)? If the problem persists, is he not supposed to appeal to the church as a last resort? Surely someone who is, again.."there's nothing but the Holy Spirit inside of me", would know that Jesus gives these very instructions in Matthew 18.

Sarcasm aside, what is accomplished by consulting the police in this matter? Why must Ryan hide behind Tita Maricor about it? I've been completely accessible this entire time and can say with certainty that I would have entertained a call/email/letter if he had that great of an issue with my writing. But he didn't. He chose to further intensify the situation by involving law enforcement. What more, he even went to the extent of calling an attorney about it.

Oh and Tita Maricor doesn't defend me at all. When we were able to talk on the phone (which was no doubt motivated by the fact that she wanted an answer as to if I was going to take my blog down or not), I asked her for a week to pray about whether or not I should take it down. She agreed but she could not say the same for Ryan. Here are some of her own words...

"Anak, I'm willing to give you a week to pray but I don't know if Ryan is. He tells me that he talks almost everyday with an attorney regarding it. So please...if you get a feeling...just take it down."

Could you not have any more of a red flag? Is Ryan unable to yield even for the respect of prayer? What does one make of that?

Monday, October 08, 2007

Life Interrupted--Lola?

It's been almost one week since it happened. I'll never forget it.

The plan was for my dad and I to head over to her house at 7:00 in the morning. I woke up early, but didn't want to go. I much preferred getting the extra two hours of sleep. Later that morning, when I got back in my room from my usual morning shower, I saw the 4 missed calls from my dad (who had gone to her house without me). I knew instantly.

When my mom and I arrived, there were already several people at the house (who likewise heard what had happened). I went immediately into her room. There she was. Air was no longer circulating in and out of her body. She didn't open her eyes and smile to see that I was in front of her. She didn't clutch my hand to show me how strong she still was despite her condition. It was just her in her bed--motionless.

At this point tears were already freely flowing from my eyes. I surveyed the room and noticed how I wasn't the only one crying. My ate was taking it especially hard. It was uncomfortable for all of us. "Mommy" Lydia was not here with us. It was shock at its most extreme.

I went to the side of her bed like I always did. I put my head on the bed and looked up at her like I always did. I did this so many times over the past month while she was sleeping. Simply observe my lola. Yet this time, she wasn't breathing. Reality crashed on me with merciless heaviness. My crying turned to uncontrolable weeping. I could not believe it. This ensued for the next several minutes.



Then I decided to look back at my lola...and saw it.

I studied her face again and started to smile. Her face no longer carried the grimace that I had grown accustomed to seeing. She had peace written all over her. The profound realization finally came to me that she was no longer carrying the suffering that accompanies cancer. She had been rescued!

I had been praying so long for my dear lola. Somehow, if it were at all possible, I wanted God to alleviate the pain that my grandmother was enduring. I prayed this prayer consistently for the past month. It finally got answered. My mind was blown. I didn't cry again for the rest of the day.


Now, even though it's still painful to consider that I'll no longer be able to see my lola again (for now at least), I find myself more and more thankful for having her in my life. Above all, she was the definition of faith for me. She was the living proof that Christ never fails to satisfy. She believed it with such tenacity, in fact, that it bled into other areas of her life.

This was perhaps most evident (and most amplified) during her last moments here on earth. I don't know what cancer is like, but ever since she was diagnosed with it, she never once complained about her situation. Even during the initial after stages of chemotherapy (where things become especially painful), Lola never groused about her circumstance. Just the opposite happened in fact. At the end of the day, when all of her hair had to be shaved off because of the chemo, she cried a little bit and praised God. This spirit continued even as the cancer continued to spread. Exhausted from battling all the time, the few times my lola chose to speak, it was never complaint; instead it was always praise for Whom it was she was confident her life was in.

This observation about my lola was evident to everyone. During her memorial, story after story was told about how lola was able to impact so many different lives. Lola's love for Christ naturally flowed over to her love for other people. Everyone reminisced about the memories they had with lola. Lola wrote everyone a kind note or letter. She always sang a beautiful tune to others. She shared her life experiences with others still. Simply put, she impacted other peoples lives.

The memorial certainly showed it. Even though her memorial was held at a fairly sizeable place, the building was overflowing with people. It was so full, in fact, that some people didn't even get to stay inside the building during the memorial. Yet that was ok with them...just being there in the moment was plenty enough. That speaks volumes for the woman that my lola was.

Now, I can't help but smile when I consider my lola's situation. Half of the joy that I have is that I can say with absolute certainty that my lola is celebrating with my lolo in heaven right now. I imagine the joy she had when she saw her 2nd daughter who had also gone ahead of her. Most of all, I delight in the fact that all the pain she endured in this whisper of life must be such an insignificant memory by now. I'm happy.





I miss you lola. Your smile speaks of all the joy that Christ has placed in your heart. You make even plain pictures like this so uniquely beautiful.

Thank you for being an example and source of inspiration for me. It is my desire to impact other people's lives much the same way you did. Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to cook half as well as you too.

I love you. I can't wait to see you again.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Context (Part II)

The following are the circumstances that has led to the current situation...

Before the Accident

- Glorie and I broke up mutually. The reason, as agreed upon by the both of us, was that our lives simply lacked the individual focus on Christ that it used to have. We both concluded that our perpetual fighting was one of the symptoms of such. We still loved each other, but we forgot all about the One loving us in the first place. In agreement, we both felt that it would be wise to choose this path for our betterment.

- God did His thing in both of our lives. No doubt.

- When Ryan entered the picture (something with which I'm still uncertain), I was completely unaware. Glorie never gave so much as even a hint of him being in her life whenever we spoke. I found this strange. The closest example I have with this would be Alicia...but I told Glorie about Alicia from the very start.

- Praise's grad party was a night to remember. Not only cause Praise, well, graduated...but because of the strange way Glorie acted that night. I eventually found out more about Ryan that night, but it had to come from straight observation. Glorie, nor anyone else in her family for that matter, was ever forward to me about him. Needless to say, Glorie hurt me in ways that I never thought she would that night.

Oh, and no one said I'm sorry to me. I guess no one was sorry. Perhaps everyone saw it coming except me.

- I ended up forgiving Glorie even after what she did to me. We talked again. We became friends again. We become closer (somewhat). One time it got to the point where she called specifically asking me to pray for her and her family due to the pain that Ryan was causing them.

At this point, I'm utterly confused...but I pray with her. She thanks me. It feels natural again--just like it did when we first started. Nothing forced...just two people trying to follow this Christ who has impacted us.

- I maintained good communication with Tita Maricor specifically. She became one of my better friends. I've maintained that throughout the past 4 years I've been a Christian, Tita Maricor has been one of my "Paul"s. Essentially, that means she has had a role in my life such that her wisdom and spiritual know-how has been an example for me.

Anyway, I remember talking with her one night about Glorie. I tried to gather as much info as I could, but not to much avail. In the end she said something particularly precious to me...

"I'll always believe that you're the one for my daughter. I won't stop believing that until I see her on her wedding day with someone else."


After the accident

- Tita Maricor calls and says that before I consider going down to see Glorie, I should be aware that Ryan was there. No problem.

- The few days I was there, I got to be really close to Tita Edna and her family. It was really cool. I truly felt like family.

- Tita Maricor once introduced me as her son to one of the hospital people. That was a moment for me.

- I got to spend almost 45 mins by myself with Glorie when I went down there. I sang to her. I cried. This was also precious to me.

- Before I left, I spoke with Tita Maricor one last time. I questioned why Ryan became so increasingly involved with everyday tasks that she could run herself. I felt major jealousy. In my time with the Lord, it was revealed to me that I have no room to be jealous. For all I know, God is using their [Ryan and Tita Maricor's] time together for spiritual betterment (much in the same way my time with her helped mold my spirit). I told her that.

She assured me that God is the one orchestrating everything in this story. She likened to compare the situation to a play...with everyone having separate roles and God being the ultimate mastermind behind it all (by the way, this is an analogy that I would ultimately end up really, really disapprove of). She said how I have my role and Ryan has his. "Fair enough" I thought.

However she said one more thing. She said that as it pertains to me and Ryan, we are both neutral. Glorie doesn't choose Ryan. Glorie doesn't choose me. They [Tita Maricor and Tito Henry] wanted to keep it that way.

- I go back home. I maintain consistent communication with both Tita Edna and Tita Maricor. I delight in all the small details that I hear about Glorie's progress. I pass them along to all the saints in the GA. They take equal delight. God really is amazing.

- I make plans to go back to Florida. I discuss things with Tita Maricor about what I was looking at if I did go. She responds by saying that she wanted a week to see how their schedules were going to look like (Wauchula is 2 hours away after all). I happily oblige.

Before I get off the phone with her I tell her something very specific...

"Tita Maricor, I want you to know that I want to go down there even if it means I won't see Glorie. If I can go simply to be an encouragement to others then I will gladly do so. If I can go even to just help drive back and forth from Orlando to Wauchula, then I'll go. I just want you to know that it would help me knowing that I was physically closer to Glorieanne."

Her response?

"Oh anak! You are so kind. I will definitely keep it in mind. As for right now, I just want to see what our schedules will be like."

- That conversation happened July 28th. I wouldn't have contact again with anyone from Glorie's family again until August 16th.