Writer's block

So I should be writing my Religious Studies paper right now (that I said I'd start over Thanksgiving break) but instead find myself on here.

Not much to say though...that's the odd thing. Life is more or less the same. I didn't do as poorly on my test as I had previously imagined. Likewise on my other quiz. And on the bright side my auction sold for way more than I thought it would.

Personally I'm just a mess like always. I find that my mind is probably one of the biggest strongholds in my life. I can't remember the specific reference, but the apostle Paul talks about "keeping your thoughts captive." I have yet to discover the secret to this practice of life. My thoughts lead me to terrible places. Yet the few other times they don't, they lead me to wonderful places. Then they just lead to postings like this.

Ha.


I wonder if they miss me the way I miss them.

Pause

Dear reader,

when's the last time you sat and just refelcted in silence?

try it. don't be scurred.


p.s. it's biblical too! (PS 46:10)

Saturday Morning

David Crowder is currently playing on iTunes.

empty glass of v8 fusion sitting confidently on my right.

42 degrees outside.

House is practically empty.

Life is bright.

Dear God,

Wow. What a year thus far huh? I often wonder what it's like for You up there. This american culture officially sets aside one day out of the year to pause and reflect on Your faithfulness to us. It's healthy I suppose, yet I imagine that our culture could be so radically changed if we simply paused and reflected more often. Am I right?

Nonetheless, I'm thankful for so much Lord.

For You honoring my faith and going down to Orlando by myself. Using me to be a light to some of precious people who journeyed through the Walt Disney company along with me. For simply allowing me to be blessed and to be a blessing to others.

For carrying me through school...even up until now. And not allowing me to throw away a rare opportunity (even though I try to waste it away frequently). You are faithful. I am not.

For hearing my prayers time and time again...and responding favorably each and every time.

Specifically thankful for Glorie. How You've used her life to blow my mind away at how truly gigantic You are. Thank You Father for saving my best friend. Even more, thank You for being foundational to her family...as I'm sure they spent many nights sleepless as well. You are faithful.

Thank you again for responding to my cries over Lola. For allowing my memories of her to be saturated with a clear picture of what a child of God looks like. Thank you for her lasting impact on my family.

Thank you for enriching my life with family and friends who truly care about me. As emo as I get, I often believe that no one in the world cared about me save for You and Glorie. Thanks for proving me wrong. You are faithful.


Father, if I may be so bold to ask, instill in me a heart that's grateful. Don't let this prayer be some feel good story for me. Let me live my life loud. Help me be cognisant of the truth that You bless me abundantly. Let me be forever changed as a result.

Please answer this prayer...even if I'm unaware of exactly what I'm asking for. Cause I'm tired of being average.

Thank you again Lord. Thank you for Christ. Thank you Holy Spirit for peace. Thank you Father for your kindness. I am humbled.

Save me from myself. Especially with all the good deals tomorrow. Here I am. Use me.

love,
-him

Glowbug,

I truly miss thee. Really bad.

The challenge

Talking with Myriam yesterday shed light to a question I haven't given much thought to.

In the western, American culture that I live in, why is it that so many are wildly content staying mediocre in their Faith?

What a thought.

Realizing the Remedy

The day started rocky. Work seemed tedious. The concert couldn't get here soon enough. Yet the thing that really let me know that friday night was going to be a night like no other was the conversation I had...

[random homeless guy]: "Aye shawty! How you get 'cho hair like dat?"
[fredsterific]: "easy...just use gel."
[random homeless guy]: "OH YEAH??!"

*random homeless guy starts walking away*


The concert was great. Crowder expectedly rocked the house. He focued mainly on songs from Remedy (expectedly so considering it was the Remedy tour). The crowd was quite expectant. It was as if everyone in the room came in expecting to meet with a humongous God (including Dave and the band) and God gave them a taste of it. Not to mention the room was packed with a lot of well known people. Louie and Shelly Giglio were there...Kristian Stanfill...and a bunch of people from Northpoint who are amazing leaders. It was cool.

However, I saw something that night that completely blew my mind away. You see, from my vantage point, Louie Giglio was about 4 feet in front of me. So, I inevitably saw him as I looked at the stage.

So, during Crowder's performance of You Never Let Go, Louie started raising his hands in solemn worship. I broadened my focus and realized that...EVERYONE was raising their hands in solemn worship (even many of the band). That's when the thought captured me...

This is what heaven will be like.

Spiritual giants like Louie Giglio and David Crowder realized a long time ago that they are completely hopeless without Jesus Christ. That's why their worship is so screamingly authentic. Despite all the good that they're doing in this world, it's all for not without precious Jesus. What more, every single person in that room realized the very same thing. That's why everyone had their eyes closed and their hand lifted to God.

The song intensified as did the worship.

Joy and Pain
Sun and Rain
You're the same
You never let go


Those lyrics stopped being words and ended up being exlamations to God on Friday night in Atlanta...and I haven't been the same since.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I'm a mess.

There's nothing eloquent about it. I'm just plain ugly when you strip it all away. I try really hard to do what I think I should do (but often I do what I don't wish to do).

I wish to walk humbly.
I wish to be a lover of mercy.
I wish to pursue justice.

Yet I fail...miserably.

I'm so fickle. My emotions jump all over the place. I am extremely judgmental. I jump to conclusions far too easily. I am overly critical of other people. I magnify other people's flaws and never consider my own. I always think I'm right. I mask my insecurities. I get irritated too easily. I never allow peace to overcome me. I falsely boast about my Christianity and often times never to live up to it.

I hurt.
I'm desperate.
I'm broken.

Maybe if I didn't live I would stop hurting everyone.

Discovery

I'm accepted.

That's rich.

Coda

I'm exhausted. I don't really care to detail all the events of the day either. It was just mentally fatiguing.

I ended up greeting Glorie Happy Birthday after all. I didn't call or send a card/gift...that would certainly add layers to the already complex situation. Instead, I just wrote her a simple, one-line email. I wonder whether or not she got it.

In fact, I wonder how she's doing in general. I wish to join her friends and family in celebrating her birthday and life specifically but I suppose I'll just celebrate by myself up here.

So Happy Birthday Glorieanne! You are truly cherished.

Off day today

Instead of working on my project I find myself blogging. Oh well.

Not much to say really. The weekend was pretty good. Someone said something weird to me over the weekend though. I was at a fusion gathering on saturday and we were playing games afterwards. When we finished playing apples to apples this happened:

Person: "Fred are you single?"
Me: "..Yes?"
Person: "That's why." *starts laughing hysterically*
Me: *really feels awkward*

I wonder what that little remark meant. Oh well it was probably nothing (or was it?).

In other news, Glorie's birthday is tomorrow. I was going to give her a gift (despite the situation). Yet, I realized that would've made matter more complex than they need to be. Tomorrow will be interesting indeed.

Blah.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Nothing too much going on. Schoolwise next week is going to be rather dense. I find it lovely to think about how many instructors try to cram a project/test in right before Thanksgiving. I really hope I pass.

Lifewise, I don't really know where I'm at. I've really been feeding my video game habit of late. Guitar Hero is an incredibly addictive game. Oh and then there's Naruto. Naruto is the most amazing ninja that anyone's ever seen. I'm glad that his video game is filled with festive adventures with which he allows me to partake with him.

Kat Kat's wedding was stellar. Take a look for yourself.
It was really cool. It was the first wedding I've ever attended that had less than a hundred people. I must say that I truly prefer the smaller wedding. I believe that there's been such a huge amount of glam on weddings nowadays. Rightfully so...I mean you only get married once in your life right? However, the tragic thing is that many couples are putting more emphasis on the wedding and not the marriage. There's huge distinction. I think Chris and Kat Kat got it.

It was weird spending so much time with Karina though. I heard talk of people thinking we were together. I surely hope not. I don't hate Karina or anything, but I hope she doesn't believe something is there when nothing is. If I could go back in time, I would've just driven down by myself and eaten the cost of a hotel room by myself. I don't too much care for sending the wrong messages especially at this juncture of my life.

Driving back, I realized just how much I miss Glorie. We were together before Kat Kat and Chris were together. Glorie was even supposed to be Kat Kat's maid of honor. Often times I thought about how Glorie would've done things or what kind of stellar conversations Glorie and I would've had about the wedding. I really miss her.

Then, somewhere in Alabama, I remembered that I'm not even allowed to speak to her.

-_-

I'm spent.

Thankful for all the goals I was able to accomplish today...but still quite spent.

G'nite.

Why I write here

Alas, I find myself ready to completely answer the question. Be advised, dear reader, that this response has been repeatedly prayed over...and I find myself with sweet peace.

I write because it helps me.

That's the truth. Nothing eloquent. I most experience catharsis when I journal. It's surreal even.

I write on this site with a specific focus in mind. I don't treat this speck of internet as if it were a normal blog. Rather, I treat it as my personal journal--online. The result is the interesting dynamic of public access to a private life. So, when one reads my writing, the context must be considered that they're reading MY view of the world in how it affects ME.

Yet the issue remains as to why I do this in the first place. The answer to that is simply this: to help others.

When it's all said and done, my goal is to be able to write about my life with such transparency that anyone reading will feel like they're across the table having coffee with me. If I'm able to establish such intimacy, I'm able to influence. If I'm able to influence, I have potential for impact.

If someone is able to read my writing, identify in some sense with what I'm going through, and then be encouraged to see how I've succeded (and likewise learn from my failure), then I consider that a rich opporunity.

I can attest to the truth of this principle; after all, David's writings about his life are what continually help me with mine.

So, if I continue writing in this and the only soul that benefits as a result is mine, then I'm content. Yet if this small life of mine is able to be a light to others (even if it's just for a moment) then I will consider myself even more successful. However, if an unbeliever identifies precisely with some of the storms that I deal/dealt with, and see just how significant having Christ in your life truly is, and see the fruits of that because of how I reacted to that storm, then the celebration simply won't stop coming from these lips of mine.

That's why I "think."