Saturday, May 31, 2008

Friday Night Thoughts

"The greatness of a man's power is the measure of his surrender." - William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army



oh and this means that Fred's power is practically non-existent.

Friday, May 30, 2008

I like Thursdays

I meet with my small group on Thursday nights.

We're a crazy bunch. From all over the nation. Some of us reigning from the curious state known as Nebraska. Others representing life from a small town known as Miami. Others still from outside of the United States.

But our lives intersect every thursday night.
And it's a wonderful experience every time.

Oh, and "small group" means a lot of things. Often times it means communing together to share life and share Christ. Tonight it meant celebrating restoration for one of us. Tonight also meant dissecting the contraption otherwise known as "the woman mind;" where, in the end, there was harmonious agreement that we could all be better men if we actually just tried to understand how women are wired.

Imagine that. Men trying to understand women instead of hiding behind a veil of "misunderstanding"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Presumptuous Danger

I was able to attend a wedding over the weekend.

It was the first catholic wedding I have ever attended. I don't really have a problem with Catholics. They're supposed to be on the same team anyway. I do have a problem with unnecessary practices though. And something about catholic churches just feels so weird to me. For example:


This is St. Joseph's Cathedral. It looks innocent from the outside.




Inside the cathedral are painted windows such as this.



There are also things like holy water in the cathedral.



Except there was no holy water to be found



Perhaps most famous we have the confessional room



The problem, as I realized the day before this wedding, is that I tend to cast judgment prematurely. I mistakenly assume that I this church is simply another church that is into organized religion. Which is something I hate. I mean look at this picture:

doesn't that just scream creepy? How can one find Jesus when those things are looking over them?

But this simply illustrated my problem. There are people that love Jesus with all of their heart that go to this church (despite the scary sculptures and the non existent holy water). There is genuine life change that happens in the walls of confession. Yet here I was making light of it all.

I felt humbled (again). I felt ashamed (again). I get so agitated when people underestimate me and my capability and yet here I was doing the same thing to the church. How inconsistent.

I started to think about what Jesus did about judgment. My conclusion became clear when I thought that time and time again, whether Jesus was gentle with non-believers, or honest with wannabe-believers, it's evident that Jesus' judgment is always rooted in love. He is compassionate for those who don't have a relationship with Him because it's important for people to know that God is more than just following rules. He's stern with those who have a relationship with Him because it's also important for people to know that following God is serious business. Yet in focus the entire time is the well being of the other person such that it would lead to reconciliation with God. I, on the other hand, make fun of silly things like catholic tradition simply to make myself feel better about how much I know about "true" Christianity and how clueless they are.

I have a lot to learn.






Oh and I found the holy water.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't know everything.

I often pretend like I do. Usually I masquerade this character that presents himself to be very, very wise. But the truth behind the mask is that I really don't know anything.

On the other hand, I do possess a modicum of experience. I have learned much from what has happened to me (be it through personal experience or through someone else's). Among my lessons has been one of faith.

I spent several minutes the other day talking about how wise it would be to be patient and wait through a major decision. That has often proved itself to be a very wise approach to life. However, there is another side to that same coin.

We will all encounter a moment where it's simply impossible to ascertain what the "right" thing to do is. You can research all you want, pray until you're blue in the face, and ask the wisest of council and arrive at the same conclusion--"I still don't know."

Enter faith.

I have found that there are times when it's appropriate to simply go and do something and have faith that the path will be lit as you go along. The premise of faith, after all, is that you act based on what you believe will happen (regardless of the amount of evidence you have to believe).

If you add the bible to the mix, the seriousness of faith intensifies exponentially. It's so significant, that it's at the heart of Christianity. In fact, if you were to ask God what is the only thing that pleases Him, the answer would be--faith.

How relevant is this now? For me, it means trusting God with everything. Even small details like conversation. For so long I've allowed multiple scenarios to play out in my mind and have checked out every detail of every decision I've made. Yet I never added faith to the mix. Never really considered that, if I were to be objective, I have no control over anything. By myself I couldn't even get through the day.

Focused, I am something completely different. And that's where the connection can be drawn. I realize that I could keep waiting until the "perfect time" to follow through, but I'll never be able to identify this "perfect time."

I'm going for it.

And I have faith that it'll be worth it.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Humbled

I spent today with my parents.

We drove everywhere. It was a great way to really test out the new car that they bought. However it was during the most precarious of circumstances that I (re)learned an important lesson.

You see we were driving south of Atlanta. While initially that may come off as a rather mundane detail, what you must keep in mind is that we are talking about me. To me, south of Atlanta means traveling in rural Georgia. Rural Georgia means colonial Georgia. Colonial Georgia means bad stories. Silly bad stories.

So, not even 30 minutes after we drive past Atlanta, we get hungry. I was our driver for the moment and decided to pull into my favorite restaurant--Waffle House. It was only during parking did the thought occurred to me that I was no longer in Atlanta. Then I blurted out, "Are we in a part of town that has racists?" My dad assured me, "No! Are you joking? We're still in a good part of town."

I entered the establishment skeptical. Yet I couldn't have had better service. The Waffle House embodied everything I love so dearly about Wa Ho. Our server was extremely friendly (yet clearly tired). One of the cooks looked like they were missing a few teeth. And the food had enough grease to lubricate a vehicle. It was a good day.

But this pleasant experience never would've happened if I let my critical judgment take over me. Put simply, I didn't have enough faith in people. I thought about the scenario if there really were racist people in the restaurant. But what difference should that make? Hate crimes are no joke at all, but what contrasts hate more than ridiculous love? That's true distinction.

But I wasn't willing to even give people a chance. Hopefully, from now on I will.


Oh and the car is nice.

Something Substantive This time

If my recent entries have been any indication, my life has been packed to the brim lately.

Except not really. There's nothing truly noteworthy for me right now. Just the same old turtle me.

I think I've come to a point in this post graduate life of mine where I'm going to start having to make some major decisions. I mean that with every sense of the word. Vocationally, relationally, spiritually, there seems to be a lot hanging in the balance. Yet I approach these decisions the same as I always have.

I've always been a turtle when it comes to making big decisions. It took me over 1 year to decide to try to be a small group leader. I waited more than 2 years into my collegiate life before switching from "Undeclared" to "Finance" for major purposes. In fact the only big decision I really rushed through was my break up with Glorie.

Now that I think about it. I don't know why we agreed that we would both know what the best thing would be for our relationship at the end of 7 days. Maybe we were in a hurry? Who knows.

Anyway, the reason I approach many decisions with such lethargy is that I'm deathly afraid of being too hasty and suffering for it as a result. Earlier in my life (think pre-high school), I would always just do things cause it felt right. Eventually I found out that that mentality leads to utter recklessness.

There were countless times where I said something thoughtless and it ended up causing irreparable harm. Other times I'd make a decision that I would regret later (and some decisions that I continue to regret). Every once in a while I'd make a decision, and things would be ok. I'd do a dance after those decisions.

Because of this, I've learned to really reflect on the implications of actions before doing anything drastic. A lot of people would call me out for being too apprehensive for being this way, but I know that I've regretted far fewer decisions when I've truly sat down and appealed to God to consider what the wise course of action would be in my life.

Sometimes it would be easy. The more I thought about it, the less excuses I had for not being a small group leader for my church.

Sometimes it's hard. When I considered going to Mexico, the thought of asking people to give me money for my trip was daunting. it got to the point where I was scared of even going.

A lot of times it's unclear. When I contemplated taking the Disney internship I got mixed signals every step of the way. But the really curious thing is that I pray a lot harder when I know that something is on the line.

With all that said, today I find myself praying really hard. There are a lot of things on my mind. And they all lead to big implications. So, I think I'll take my time.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

well then

To say that today was different would be an accurate statement.

Yet skies are still cloudy. Oh well. Someday. Someday.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dancing in the rain

Today was not quite the typical thursday.

I played basketball in the pouring rain
I've never paid so many bills before in my life
I enjoyed a McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Biscuit for free
I also enjoyed a McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich for free
Well technically not free
I had to purchase a medium drink
But the sum of both drinks was roughly $2
What a deal.


And currently
as I enjoy a delightful game of scrabble with my friend henry
and listen to coldplay in the background
I find myself smiling
with teeth showing.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Highlights

So much has happened but I have so little to say.

Sometimes, when the really "big" events of life happen, it is just more memorable to be in the moment. Taking 1000 pictures and recording video in high definition is great and all but there's something really satisfying about just breathing in memories. Those intangible, priceless moments of your life that are simply too rich to be captured on media. This past weekend (give or a take a few days) has been just that.

Nonetheless here are some things I found notable:



This is when we were in the tunnel getting ready to go out. I loved the big falcons sign on the side. It reminded me of the times I played for the falcons...and then I woke up.



We were all so excited that our finish line was finally here. I'm so glad my phone is able to capture this picture in all of its noisy glory. But it evoked memory so it did its job.


- I was at church trying to get my worship on when I noticed a stout, white american man moving his body. I observed him closely and it appeared that he was attempting to dance to the music. The problem was that his dance "moves" were completely out of sync with the music coming from the stage.
This did not seem to be significant for this gentleman, however, as he continued his grooving with great jubilee. I smiled very wide at this person. I thought about how happy God was that here was a guy who was trying so so so hard to groove for Jesus. Each misstep couldn't have been any more beautiful to the Father.

- This weekend pretty much confirmed how few and far between my friends really are. But the few that I do have are exceptionally precious to me. I am very grateful for how they so thoroughly enrich my life.

- Ethan is starting to become more articulate. I can't wait to witness what kind of fabulous insight he has on this world of ours.

- Not having to do homework is one of the best rewards of finishing school.

- Greater things have yet to come. Greater things are still to be done in Atlanta.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Early Friday Morning Thoughts

Life is unpredictable.

Last year Glorie was involved in an accident.
Earlier this year, Cheryl was hit by a car.
A few weeks ago, John Paul died in a motorcycle accident.
Countless others, whom I haven't had the honor of intersecting life with, have gone through the exact same thing.
What's up with the craziness anyway?

The funeral for J.P. was today. I didn't go. I didn't really know him that well. Sure we've talked and stuff but we were barely even acquaintances...much less friends. My parents did end up going and apparently witnessed some of the strangest things.

When they entered the funeral home, they were immediately greeted with the sound of a screaming woman. Silence and screaming collided to really put a depressing overtone in the entire building. The woman was the wife of J.P. and was yelling (probably out of frustration/confusion) about how she couldn't take it anymore. Tears flowed down her face and she yelled and yelled about how hard it is. Complaining, in vain, about how J.P. wasn't supposed to die.

I found out through a friend that Cheryl was in an accident. When I found out exactly how she was involved in an accident, I literally felt goosebumps do laps around my entire body. The fact that someone getting hit by a car was insane; the same act happening to two people? That's just crazy talk. Yet the reality was that it did. And now Cheryl is mightily rehabbing in much the same way (I imagine) Glorie is.

I say all of this to simply consider what the point of this life is anyway. Many eventually discover this monumentally important question but few really find an answer that satisfies. The aforementioned "tragedies" are stark reminders of how disturbing life can be. This naturally leads one to question the very nature of God.

That is, if God is loving and just, why would there be such an unfair balance in life? Why would the radiant life of someone like Glorie all of a sudden be radically shifted for, apparently, no reason at all? Why would people as exuberant as Cheryl and J.P. have to "suffer" needlessly? Perhaps most disturbing is when we consider that "bad" people are often blessed abundantly. Corrupt, greedy business men enjoy the riches of life all at the expense of single mother/fathers working 3 jobs just to make ends meet. Murderers live well into their 90s while innocent children have their lives taken before their 1st birthday. It seems like God can't make up His mind.


...but what seems to be true often is not truth.


The truth that many fail to accept at face value is this: God isn't fair. He doesn't even pretend to be fair.
That may come across as incredibly unsettling but if you dwell on it long enough the profound nature of that truth will resonate within you.

In all of the aforementioned "unfair" circumstances, the end result is to wonder whether there really is life after death. It is easy to wonder whether or not this speck of dust called earth, and this sliver of existence that we call life, is all there really is to the universe. If it is, then we should be doing whatever we please for this is our only shot at experiencing anything. But if it isn't, then it's reasonable to believe that heaven and hell, if they exist, are pretty significant.

Here is where much of the disconnect exists in the modern realm of Christianity. Many non-followers find it incredibly hard to swallow that getting to heaven is accomplished only one way. In other words if there really is such a thing called heaven, then surely there's more than one way of getting there. Muslims could get there. Jews could get there. Buddhists could get there. Wiccans could get there. Scientologists could get there. For Christians to assert that their way is the only way to get to heaven is either incredibly arrogant or incredibly dull. Either way it's ridiculous.

However, the problem with this way of thinking is that it assumes that only good people go to heaven. That is, only people who have lived full, altruistic lives go to heaven. After all, would a lot of people agree that many of the islamic followers who executed the 9/11 attacks are in heaven right now? Does anyone believe that Hitler (believed to be a roman-catholic) is enjoying heaven? Certainly not.

Therefore, if there is a line between who gets to heaven and who doesn't, where is that line and how is it defined? Which religion has that line defined with the greatest precision? What is the cutoff for heaven? In other words...how good is good enough? You should start to see where the problem is.

This is precisely why I say, with confidence, that God isn't fair. The brilliance of Christianity is that it is the only faith that stresses that forgiven people, not good people, go to heaven. The standard is clearly set. According to the bible, not a single person is worthy to go to heaven due to sin [separation from God]; to reconcile this (restore the previous separation from God) there must be atonement for said sin. This is accomplished only through Jesus' death/resurrection (since Jesus is the only innocent of all wrongdoing). Therefore relationship is restored and access to God is now available to anyone who believes.

Which takes us back full circle. There's joy to be had everywhere in this whisper of a life; and that joy comes singularly from Christ. We can certainly find happiness in the pleasures of earth (Getting married, eating that one delectable piece of oreo cake for dessert, laughing until your tummy hurts with your best friends). But it's so important to remember that we find joy in the darkness as well. It's just hard to do so.

When the John Paul in your life is so abruptly taken from you, the pain is real. Joy seems extremely far away at that point.
When the Cheryl in your life is suddenly facing the reality of a life that is entirely different than the one she had been previously known for, the change is troubling. Joy seems like a fantasy instead of reality.
When the Glorie in your life doesn't want to have anything to do with you, the rejection is agonizing.

But the joy still remains. It's an incredibly small speckle of joy...but it's there. And it's real. And the more you look at it the bigger it will get. The pain will start to subside. Then the first smile will emerge just like the first flower that blooms from the dead of winter. And it will satisfy.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

?

I always find myself with the most abstract thoughts really late at night.

That and when I'm taking a shower really early in the morning. I don't know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with my brain not getting a sufficient amount of oxygen and thus abnormal brain function occurs.

Lately I've been finding myself in a funk again. I really don't get it. I should be ecstatic considering the current trajectory of my life, but I'm discovering just how wildly malcontent I am. But part of that stems from the fact that I'm aware that I should be content. It's puzzling really.

I have all these aspirations to be this really great person but what for?
Notoriety? Hardly.
Jesus? Not always.
myself? never.

When I strip it all down, there's still this great big hole from what Glorie used to fill. And I know that, for the long run, it's better that she isn't filling that hole. All the church people in my life would tell me to fill that whole with Jesus and everything will magically be all right. But I don't want to receive any of that.

I know that it's only in my best interest to find contentment in Christ, but what if Jesus doesn't seem good enough? I'm out of my mind for talking like this, but if I were to be extremely honest I would say that I have felt that feeling at times. Where does that come from anyway? Is that from the evil one?

I don't know. I feel so foolish. Of the overflow of blessings in my life, I have the gall to complain about the petty issues that sprinkle my life. My view of God must be shrinking. Otherwise I wouldn't think of such stupidity.


Oh God, if You're still awake, I'd really like to just sit with You right now. Will You show me how high and deep and wide Your love really is? Is my junk really as far from the west is from the east? Do You still honor me with the title of child? Are You serious when You say you want to lavish love on me? Why would You choose such an inconsistent person like me for anything?

Please make my ears sensitive to Your voice; in silence and turbulence help me pick up on Your unmistakable gentleness.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Grad gifts

Many people have been asking me what I want for my graduation.

I'm not a real big fan of artificial answers so I usually say what I want.

"Honestly? I'd really like to be able to know how Glorie is doing." It's usually about 2 seconds after I say that, when the appropriate synapses have functioned to enable cognition and understanding that I see disgruntled looks on their faces. I suppose they wanted to hear me say, "oh you don't have to get me anything! Just attending is fine!"

But why would I be so fake? It's not that I don't appreciate their celebratory presence (by no means). Rather, I'd rather give what people ask for; and right now all I really want is to hang out with Glow.

Pretty unlikely that it'll happen though...considering how much we were able to talk during my last event and all [none]. Still, it would be nice to know how she's doing and to just sit down and talk. Just like we did right before the accident.

"You found out what about Jesus? No way. Get out."
"REALLY?!? Awwww I'm so happy for you!"

*shared laughter*


None of the fallout from the whole situation. No worry about Glorie getting confused about what to think about her new boyfriend and being unable to concentrate. No concern about what things would be ok to talk about because it would trigger a memory that we don't want coming back.

Just f & g time. Catching up on everything.

That would be priceless.

Monday, May 05, 2008

GSU in a nutshell

I went into Kell Hall today (or as I like to put..."the dungeon") and I took a picture.





oh Georgia State. How I will miss thine ability to charm me with your ceaseless surprises.

Involved!



this is my treasure.




Oh, and as of 1:36 in the AM on a monday, I am not feeling terribly wonderful. Not feeling wonderfully terrible either. Just thinking..."wouldn't the world be great if I could just fix everything?" All the problems just gone?

...or would that be a tragedy?



crazy brain.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Now that graduation is nearing, I have finally been able to do "check off" one of my goals for this year.

Graduation still isn't really a big deal for me. I don't know why but it's just not. I am happy though. I've also been slacking on the invitational side of things. I suppose I'll send an invite to all the people soon.

Looking ahead I don't really have many other "career related" goals. Frankly, I have greater aspirations simply mending relationships. Call me crazy but I'd honestly take greater delight in having restored friendship between our families than any job that I get this year. It just means more to me.

Speaking of which, I got to talk with a (literally) long, lost friend of mine yesterday. After the small talk got out of the way, we both addressed our relationship dead on.

"...I don't mean to be a jerk or anything but why did you decide to stop being friends with me out of nowhere?"

"I went through a lot... [more explaining]...but what I need right now is for you to forgive me and for us to move on from this point."

"Are you kidding me? Of course I forgive you. It's just important to me that you understand how the "stuff" from the past made us get to this point.... [more explaining]... I don't want to dwell on the past simply to rub any guilt in or anything; rather, the thing I most want to highlight is that we are at the destination of the path that was started when certain decisions were made in the past. In order for us to gain greater understanding with each other, we have to understand where the other person came from in the past."

"...I know...[more explaining]... but I'm still going through a lot of stuff from what happened. It's hard. Everyday I just try to live my life the way I believe God wants me to. But I value our friendship so much and I'm willing to go through this cause it's worth it. I just need you to forgive me and be patient with me from this point forward."

"are you kidding me? Of course I can be patient with you. I value you too much to not be patient. Our friendship is worth it."

*non-awkward silence* (I imagined they were smiling during this moment just as I was.)



This is what I value so greatly. This is restoration. This is being a remedy. The fact that even Christians screw up but the distinction is that they directly address it (instead of just sitting on the sidelines). It doesn't happen overnight, but it happens because there is mutual humility (and that leads to understanding and compassion).

This is why I'm so especially bothered by the whole Glorie situation. With all of the drama that has already happened, how wonderful would it be if people were able to say to us "you can tell that they're Christians. Even though a lot of junk has accumulated between them, look how hard they worked to address it and reconcile it."

See there's tremendous potential within the community of Christ. If we get it right, we shine, collectively, extremely bright for Jesus. But when stuff like this gets the way, it tarnishes the shine. It drives me nuts.

To be fair, I can't expect all of this stuff to go away over night. This is an extremely loaded topic for both sides. As hard as I try, I still can't identify what life has been like for any of my beloved Floridians. But neither can they-me.

But I do know that I value our family enough to address the issue even if it means crying again. And I also know that I believe our families are worth it.

Until that time, I just wait. And thankfully, right now waiting is a thrill ride.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Liberation

Best feeling in the world? Turning in the last final if your collegiate career.

I just wish I could TiVo my life and feel this feeling on demand. That would rock.