In continuing the thought from yesterday, I have unearthed even more evidence that I'm probably not from earth.
- I realized when looking at all my pictures that I don't have any pictures of friends. I don't really have pictures of people in general. There's the occasional group of friends here and there but I am mostly taking pictures of really random objects/things. Who does that anyway?
- I've never been the type to "party." All my friends are into letting loose and just having fun. My version of fun is simply laughing and doing something weird (like listening to a great story). Or, I choose to do stuff that's more meaningful...like write something to someone or Someone. I figure we only have a short amount of time here on earth so why waste it being self-centered?
- I just found out that if I don't produce 8750 of FYC by the end of may my contract will be terminated. Sweet.
- If I'm everything that Kristy wants in a boyfriend, why doesn't she want me to be her boyfriend? It just doesn't make any sense.
- Sometimes I just think and think and think about stuff and never just kind of sit back and watch. I enjoy figuring things out even when they aren't meant to be figured out. Like women. I very well may give up on love in general.
- And, for that matter, any hope that there is still a friendship left to salvage/hope for with her/them.
- There better be a heaven. All this patience better be worth it.
And in the end, I'm thankful that I have been graced with a modicum of insight to recognize, full and well, how arrogant I'm becoming. Out of my frustration due to my inability to correct certain aspects of my life, I've developed a chauvinistic mentality regarding my own intelligence.
How truly awesome would it be if, instead of just randomly blurbing my tangent thoughts in bullet format, I simply responded with confidence that I may not know as much as I think I do. And maybe, just maybe, God really does want the best for me and is writing my story in a way that's fitting for a unique little character like me. I'm sure he's having to make crossouts for the parts I keep trying to write myself, but in the end it's his epic and my job to be a supporting lead.
But I don't.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
resident...alien?
C.S. Lewis has a quote that is pretty awesome.
"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." I love it. In this context (Mere Christianity), CS is alluding to the fact that it's likely that our time here on earth is but a mere whisper; and we would be wise to maintain proper perspective concerning such things. In other words, that there are greater things yet to come and that this world, as great as it may seem sometimes, is not really our home.
Lately, I couldn't agree any more.
I've been in a great little stretch where I've been such a screw up and failing people. Others, whom I once considered so dear, are now something far different in my life. Then there's the infinite gray in between. I wish I could fix everything but I have no control over anything. If I wanted to speak Christianese, this is where I would say "Good thing I have a God who doesn't change." and all this other blah blah. And, while I agree that that statement is 100% relevant and 100% true, it doesn't always mean that I will apply that truth as such.
I guess lately I've just been searching for a friend. A fred godoy for fred godoy. But I guess I'll just have to wait.
"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." I love it. In this context (Mere Christianity), CS is alluding to the fact that it's likely that our time here on earth is but a mere whisper; and we would be wise to maintain proper perspective concerning such things. In other words, that there are greater things yet to come and that this world, as great as it may seem sometimes, is not really our home.
Lately, I couldn't agree any more.
I've been in a great little stretch where I've been such a screw up and failing people. Others, whom I once considered so dear, are now something far different in my life. Then there's the infinite gray in between. I wish I could fix everything but I have no control over anything. If I wanted to speak Christianese, this is where I would say "Good thing I have a God who doesn't change." and all this other blah blah. And, while I agree that that statement is 100% relevant and 100% true, it doesn't always mean that I will apply that truth as such.
I guess lately I've just been searching for a friend. A fred godoy for fred godoy. But I guess I'll just have to wait.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
update!
Ok. I'm going to be intentional about this.
There has been a lot that hasn't been written down. I guess I could start with work. It's been hard finding a rhythm ever since getting back from Brasil. The way the job works, it's hard to find two people everyday to sit down with if you aren't extremely intentional about it. I've been having to really hustle to get back in a groove. Thankfully, I've been managing and God has been sending people my way. I guess all in all things are optimistic; but there are still huge goals that must be met otherwise I could ultimately end up with a terminated contract. That would be bad.
On a personal front, things are much more complex. On one hand, I am really enjoying the place that I'm at. My small group is growing dynamically and the direction is toward a more intimate environment. At church I am starting to grow in that more and more people are starting to see what a quirky person I am...and it's blowing their minds away. I guess the whole "listen before you speak" mentality only stuck to me? Whatev. The friendships that I am in currently couldn't be any more thankful for me. I owe this completely to the capital G; after all, they aren't gravitating toward me--just the God in me. Or something like that.
On the other hand, there's the hot mess of a situation that I'm really in the thick of regarding Ms. Kristy Tran. I don't even know where to start with it. I like her so much. I mean SOOOO much. But it drags me down so much. You see, there is this ridiculous game of cat and mouse that we play. Where she is the cat and I'm the hopeless mouse that repeatedly steps into her traps.
What has happened is that our friendship has evolved. It began on a normal level (you know the whole first meet wow what a cool person kind of ordeal) and just kind of stayed that way. Then, our contact began to increase with regularity. It started with talking on the phone then hanging out consistently (normal stuff honestly). Naturally, as things do when they take this sort of trajectory, we got closer and closer. Follow this progression to about where it stands right now where we would both identify the other as someone of tremendous, that is irreplaceable, value. Enter the conflict.
For me, this intimacy has come with emotion. This is the first person I've been genuinely attracted to since Glorie. This has been met with great caution from all sides. She is not a Christian, her mindset is completely different from mine, as well as the fact that she still has a lot of issues that need to be addressed. Yet, despite all of this, I choose her. Not because of anything particular...but I think it's more of a combination of how different she is from me as well as our amazing chemistry. I love spending time with her it's that simple.
For her, the sentiment is generally the same. Except for the fact that she isn't quite as attracted to me romantically. To quote her, "You're everything I want in a guy except for a few small things." Those "things" being that I'm not vietnamese or catholic enough for her. Not to belittle these criticisms, but is that really all she has? I mean if anything I feel bad for her because she doesn't know what she's missing out on in terms of true relationship with God. I'm out of my mind for speaking like this, but if she could only taste God I think she would lose her mind. So, to throw that in my face, is just a little weird for me. This is especially true when one considers that she says "I feel closer to God because of you." to me. Blah.
I really can't understand her. I mean if she finds so much in me that she loves, doesn't it make sense for her to want that for herself? Like exclusively? And everytime I approach her with that topic she gets defensive. It's so stupid. I feel like she wants all the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment. It's frustrating and it's bothering me. Yet I continue to serve her like a little dummy. Maybe this is what I deserve?
All this said, it just made me start thinking about how I've been wired anyway. I feel like my patience is such that it becomes a fault. I mean to this day I still actively think/pray for Glorie and I haven't heard from her in a hot minute. They've clearly moved on and yet here I am just kind of waiting for a friendship to resume. Oh well.
I'm trying to find God out of all this. I trust in His sovereignty. Tell me God are you still there?
I know You are.
I know You are.
I'm just looking in all the wrong places.
There has been a lot that hasn't been written down. I guess I could start with work. It's been hard finding a rhythm ever since getting back from Brasil. The way the job works, it's hard to find two people everyday to sit down with if you aren't extremely intentional about it. I've been having to really hustle to get back in a groove. Thankfully, I've been managing and God has been sending people my way. I guess all in all things are optimistic; but there are still huge goals that must be met otherwise I could ultimately end up with a terminated contract. That would be bad.
On a personal front, things are much more complex. On one hand, I am really enjoying the place that I'm at. My small group is growing dynamically and the direction is toward a more intimate environment. At church I am starting to grow in that more and more people are starting to see what a quirky person I am...and it's blowing their minds away. I guess the whole "listen before you speak" mentality only stuck to me? Whatev. The friendships that I am in currently couldn't be any more thankful for me. I owe this completely to the capital G; after all, they aren't gravitating toward me--just the God in me. Or something like that.
On the other hand, there's the hot mess of a situation that I'm really in the thick of regarding Ms. Kristy Tran. I don't even know where to start with it. I like her so much. I mean SOOOO much. But it drags me down so much. You see, there is this ridiculous game of cat and mouse that we play. Where she is the cat and I'm the hopeless mouse that repeatedly steps into her traps.
What has happened is that our friendship has evolved. It began on a normal level (you know the whole first meet wow what a cool person kind of ordeal) and just kind of stayed that way. Then, our contact began to increase with regularity. It started with talking on the phone then hanging out consistently (normal stuff honestly). Naturally, as things do when they take this sort of trajectory, we got closer and closer. Follow this progression to about where it stands right now where we would both identify the other as someone of tremendous, that is irreplaceable, value. Enter the conflict.
For me, this intimacy has come with emotion. This is the first person I've been genuinely attracted to since Glorie. This has been met with great caution from all sides. She is not a Christian, her mindset is completely different from mine, as well as the fact that she still has a lot of issues that need to be addressed. Yet, despite all of this, I choose her. Not because of anything particular...but I think it's more of a combination of how different she is from me as well as our amazing chemistry. I love spending time with her it's that simple.
For her, the sentiment is generally the same. Except for the fact that she isn't quite as attracted to me romantically. To quote her, "You're everything I want in a guy except for a few small things." Those "things" being that I'm not vietnamese or catholic enough for her. Not to belittle these criticisms, but is that really all she has? I mean if anything I feel bad for her because she doesn't know what she's missing out on in terms of true relationship with God. I'm out of my mind for speaking like this, but if she could only taste God I think she would lose her mind. So, to throw that in my face, is just a little weird for me. This is especially true when one considers that she says "I feel closer to God because of you." to me. Blah.
I really can't understand her. I mean if she finds so much in me that she loves, doesn't it make sense for her to want that for herself? Like exclusively? And everytime I approach her with that topic she gets defensive. It's so stupid. I feel like she wants all the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment. It's frustrating and it's bothering me. Yet I continue to serve her like a little dummy. Maybe this is what I deserve?
All this said, it just made me start thinking about how I've been wired anyway. I feel like my patience is such that it becomes a fault. I mean to this day I still actively think/pray for Glorie and I haven't heard from her in a hot minute. They've clearly moved on and yet here I am just kind of waiting for a friendship to resume. Oh well.
I'm trying to find God out of all this. I trust in His sovereignty. Tell me God are you still there?
I know You are.
I know You are.
I'm just looking in all the wrong places.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
need to get caught up so bad
I miss writing so bad!
But I still can't spend this time writing. But, just so I don't lose any rhythm, I'd like to spend this time at least getting down the thoughts that I've been pondering.
- It's risky to love. The greater you love the greater the potential for equal pain. The pinnacle example of this is Jesus.
- Unity is underrated. When's the last time anyone ever chose to walk away from true community?
- Friendships, at their purest form, require reform. That is, each person challenges the other(s) to become a better person. This is executed perfectly when the focus is on Christ but still beneficial even to non believers. So, why does it seem like we can get content with friendships just because they have long history?
That is all--for now.
But I still can't spend this time writing. But, just so I don't lose any rhythm, I'd like to spend this time at least getting down the thoughts that I've been pondering.
- It's risky to love. The greater you love the greater the potential for equal pain. The pinnacle example of this is Jesus.
- Unity is underrated. When's the last time anyone ever chose to walk away from true community?
- Friendships, at their purest form, require reform. That is, each person challenges the other(s) to become a better person. This is executed perfectly when the focus is on Christ but still beneficial even to non believers. So, why does it seem like we can get content with friendships just because they have long history?
That is all--for now.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
my day
- tried to rick roll a lot of people. (Failure)
- wanted to send glorie an email/text/call (failure..but that's good?)
- had client cancel 3 policies on me (epic failure)
- got called names cold calling (failureish)
- didn't die cause of allergies today (win!)
- focused on Christ when it was hard (win win!)
- overstayed my welcome at a friend's house (fail)
Overall I guess I'm still holding up. Trying to keep my chin up you know? Sometimes I wish I could just come to someone (i.e. a gf) to just say what's on my mind and them just accept me and embrace me. That was the best.
But I guess for now I'll just depend on other things. Like God.
What a thought.
- wanted to send glorie an email/text/call (failure..but that's good?)
- had client cancel 3 policies on me (epic failure)
- got called names cold calling (failureish)
- didn't die cause of allergies today (win!)
- focused on Christ when it was hard (win win!)
- overstayed my welcome at a friend's house (fail)
Overall I guess I'm still holding up. Trying to keep my chin up you know? Sometimes I wish I could just come to someone (i.e. a gf) to just say what's on my mind and them just accept me and embrace me. That was the best.
But I guess for now I'll just depend on other things. Like God.
What a thought.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
tired.
Pretty tired at the moment but I think I'm onto something.
There's a question that was proposed to me today that I think everyone would benefit from asking themselves.
why?
Why am I going to work today?
Why am I working at (x) employer?
Why am I pursuing a relationship with God?
The application is endless.
It still needs refining, but I think this could be the start of something big. Too tired to expound. So much video editing ):
There's a question that was proposed to me today that I think everyone would benefit from asking themselves.
why?
Why am I going to work today?
Why am I working at (x) employer?
Why am I pursuing a relationship with God?
The application is endless.
It still needs refining, but I think this could be the start of something big. Too tired to expound. So much video editing ):
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