relationships take work

I had the pleasure recently of reconnecting with a dear friend of mine.

It has been a long time coming, as our last meaningful conversation had not occurred in quite some time. Yet, last week, conversations finally happened and all the gunk that had been built up inside surfaced for examination. It was thrilling yet frightening.

The moment was awkward at first actually. They had been waiting for quite some time and I was soaking wet (fresh from my game of basketball where yours truly was displaying jordan-esque skills). Then, when I was able to freshen up, we were able to finally get to things.

Small talk.
Then pointed small talk.
Then deep talk.
Then hard conversation talk.
Then relieved talk because we finally were able to start understanding one another.
Then where do we go from here talk.
Then happy talk.
Then joyful reconciliation talk.

While that summary was quite poignant, it should be noted that the duration of that dialogue took more than 2 years. That's 730+ days of tears, doubt, and anger among other emotions. And frankly, I had given up on the idea that any reconciliation would occur in the first place.

But, as I discovered, there was urgency on the other person's heart just as much as it was on mine. Which is why I have come to conclude that relationships take work. This is true of all relationships (whether platonic, romantic, or otherwise). Both parties must have some desire to benefit the other partner otherwise the relationship becomes unhealthy (and ultimately, perhaps, broken). But when both are working at it, the momentum leads to a better place. It doesn't always end up as a happy ending, but it does end up getting you somewhere.

And the best friendships get you to a place where you couldn't go yourself.

humility (again) (again??)

This whole transition from NYL has been quite tumultuous.

Officially speaking, I'm still with the company. Unofficially, I'm very much looking at all of my options. I've spent a considerable amount of time looking this past week at either new jobs or at tennis related material. I think it would be absolutely convenient and lovely if I could just become a tennis professional. That way tennis could pay for my living.

Yet, I find that completely unfulfilling all the same.

I'm not sure what exactly is in store for me. For that matter, I'm not even sure what it is that I want to do next. I feel that I'm very talented and will be a very good hire for someone, but I don't know quite what exactly that means. I have a lot of head knowledge in the financial spectrum of things, but I'm not dead set in staying in that field either. I think I'd be equally content doing something else entirely. That has been a blessing and a curse all the same.

Part of the frustration stems from the fact that a lot of my resume is tailored for someone on a path to financial professionalism.

I don't really care one way or the other.

But I think this is where this whole humility thing is being drilled into my head yet again (really now? 2.5 years of the same lesson already?). There's no doubt that God has uniquely gifted me to be able to adapt and do many, many things well; but I have also gloated on those things as a reflection of me instead of Him. As a result, in my arrogance, I have foolishly believed that this transition period in my life would conveniently fall into place without any hardship at all. I mean, who wouldn't want to hire me?

But, instead I'm slowly trying to embrace the reality that I should be thankful for any job that I have. Even if it means lowering my pride and accepting a position that I'm over-qualified for. Let God work in me so that He can work through me. What a novel thought.

But this job better come fast (please?). Otherwise I think I'll just be an exotic dancer. Get excited.

back

It's been a long long time.

A lot has developed. More that I will get into tomorrow.

But for now, this is what I'm dwelling on:

"If we value comfort more than character, then trials will upset us. If we value the material and physical more than the spiritual, we will not be able to count it joy! If we live only for the present and forget the future, the trials will make us bitter and not better." - Wiersbe

melancholy and daybreak

It's been a pretty epic week in terms of life.

There's been another dilemma in the craziness that is New York Life. I haven't received an email back from Brian but I made a very strong case for myself. I am hopeful that at some point this week I will have my meeting with Brian but I don't have any control over any of that in the meantime.

I'm better from a relationship standpoint though. I think I finally hit that breakthrough part where I FINALLY understand that Kristy simply doesn't care about me or my time as much as I care about her. It's difficult to be in this position, but at least this time I have the benefit of experience. This sort of ordeal so closely echoes what I've already gone through with Glorie that it's kinda humorous. It hurts just as bad, but when you put yourself out on the line for someone the pain is a risk that one has to take. Theorhetically the pain is so worth it if the other person is willing to equally put themselves out on the line. But that's just it--it must be mutually submission/affection. Since that clearly isn't the case with Kristy, I end up with the short end of the stick.

I remain hopeful though. There's good news for those in hopeless situations like me. There's an ongoing initiative labeled "redemption" for anyone interested. Where those crying in darkness (me) can trade in their freshly embered ashes for beautiful restoration. You just have to know where to look.

I haven't quite latched onto it, but I'm at least back on the train. And, it feels good knowing that I can move in a forward direction--even if I'm reluctant to let anyone else carry all my luggage. But smiles eventually sprinkle around life again. And the warmth of love will come.

Who knows...maybe there's hope for me yet.

2:51

And it's clear.

Sleep has decided to omit my bedroom tonight.

brooding feelings

anger.
pride.
resentment.
unfairness.
confusion.
insignificance.
unrecognition.
bitterness.


no positive spin at all.

a really dark place

it's so painful.

Yesterday was another huge deadline for the company. I really don't know what to believe in anymore. I was supposed to be at 9000 but there seems to be a dilemma regarding my "true" number. According to my math, and hey I know a little bit about numbers), I should be at about 9075. Dashboard shows me at 7085. I already saw two people pack up their desks because they got axed. I have very little confidence that I won't follow their lead.

Today was such an emotionally draining day. This morning's "council rush" really solidified why I think corporate america is so great and so awful. Competition breeds excellence but what's the point if we have to step all over each other to get there? My insight is shot.

I had a little bit of a high today when I was able to close a deal. It came very unexpected and it's not much but I'm very happy taking it. Add to that the fact that the sun was shining and all seemed very well. Even my second appointment went well. Didn't close anything...but got referrals. So it was all good.

Then, inevitably, the rest of the day came. I was supposed to meet up with Kristy today. She's leaving for a month tomorrow to go tour asia. So, after two months of non-communication...suddenly lines were open again. The plan was for us to hang out before she left.

But, the problem this time was I believed her.

Long story short I fly straight from my appointment to her area only to have her not pick up my phone calls. I called every 30 minutes 3 different times. I ended up driving to Borders and buying a book for her to read on the plane in my wait for her. She picks up the fourth time simply to say she never received any of my previous calls. Go figure.

Pressed for time, we discover that if we're to hang out at all it couldn't be for long because she still had a lot of packing to do and she still has to meet up with Lee and her other friends this evening. So, even being less than 5 minutes away from her house, I tell her to use the time to finish packing so that she wouldn't be stressed for time (this was done as a preemptive measure since #1) I know that she wouldn't have finished packing until 3 AM or so this morning cause she would be drunk tonight and #2) if she didn't get a lot of sleep it's likely she would've started fighting with her mom and that would be an awful way to start the trip).

Fast forward to an hour before midnight and I'm still waiting patiently for her. And I feel completely ridiculous for having made a card with an airplane on it wishing her safety on her travels. And really dumb for buying headphones that cancel out ambient noise so she can sleep better on the plane. And most stupid because I actually believed she would want to see me too.



I feel so awful. I swear a person should not be capable of experiencing this much rejection. I mean I get it all the time from work related activities. Should it come from someone that's considered a dear friend as well? What

I'm so stupid.

Come to think of it, I can't even recall eating today.

I haven't felt this low in two years.

*sigh*

sometimes I wish everything was different.


Actually, I wish that all the time.

another off night

It's been more of the same actually.

I'm logging in about 50 hours weekly for work. Lame.

In other news, Callie Ann is going through a break up and having an incredibly difficult time with it. She's come to me for some reason for council, and it's been weird kind of responding to it. She went out with Kevin a little over a year but you'd never know it considering how hard she's taking it. It's like the end of the world for her.

All I've been doing thus far is just listening. I kind of just let her let it all out and just kind of sit there and try to identify for her. The only thing is, I either have felt something much greater (i.e. Glorie) or much less (i.e. Kristy). I hope she learns to depend on God more. She keeps saying how people suck and relationships aren't worth it and stuff...which is ok I guess given her mental status. I mean I was at the point for awhile with Glorie. But the rain stops eventually. Healing begins again. And, thankfully, God starts trading burnt ashes for renewed hope. It's profound.

I think that's it really. I've been better with my devotionals! Hooray for that!



Yet I still miss special K. Darn that woman and her enchantments!!!

so this is what off days are like

I find myself oddly with time.

When I woke up this morning I was excited because I had three appointments to go to. Two of them ended up canceling on me. And this is where we find ourselves--with time on our hands.

It's been a pretty weird week for me. Work has been pretty typical. They teach us to have CEO mentality...and I get that. It bodes well when one has the potential to write their own paycheck. But I just think that we should also be real with ourselves; we represent New York Life. We aren't running our business. Period.

Aside from work, it'll have been a month and change since Kristy and I had our little DTR. I really can't understand how emotionally attached I have become to that woman. She's not the prettiest girl in the room, nor is she the smartest, nor does she have the most laudable "it" factor either. But everytime I think of her I end up smiling just a little bit wider. Even now. Still today.

And it sucks!

I wish it counted how much I miss her. I wish that meant something. But all indications are that her life hasn't even skipped a beat without me in her life. I thought I'd be worth a little bit more than that. Not to say that she should spend her days lamenting over the fact that we no longer converse (as this is not appropriate even for someone as sad as me), but it would help to know that you meant something to someone. Especially when you have grown as close as we had.

Chances are she probably does but it doesn't really get to her until those night time sessions. When she's all alone and doesn't have to wear her mask anymore. And instead of trying to please everyone she just misses me because I was the only one who could understand her for her. God better be sovereign; otherwise, stuff like this wouldn't make any sense.

Speaking of which, I feel like God's really rocking my world lately. I haven't had one of those hardcore prayers with him in so long. I've allowed my bible reading discipline to revert back to me simply reading proverbs everyday. I get by on milky feeding (listening to sermons on the way to work, simply talking about ethereal things) and haven't really dived deep into my God at all.

It sucks!

I feel out of balance.
I feel unappreciated.
I feel unfruitful.


Alas, I can identify all of these things and thus target them appropriately. But, I believe instead of simply dwelling on where I am at the moment, it's of greater importance to evaluate the direction of my life. After all, it's direction (not intention) that determines destination.

And, I can likewise identify the following:

God is.
I am loved.
Overall it could be worse.
There is a lot to look forward to.
I am precious to many.



I need more off days.

so tired

so much to write about.

so little energy.

dear journal, forgive me of my injustice.

guillotine prepped and ready

I will find out after this weekend whether or not I will remain contracted to New York Life.


Strangely, I am very peaceful either way.


Could this be the fruit of............faith?

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I have just finished my breakfast and I'm watching some ice skaters grace around the rink.

It has been a tumultuous couple of days. Yet, I think I'm finally starting to see daybreak. I believe that whenever hardships come into one's life, it's akin to braving a storm. This is an important identification because storms, no matter how violent or how serene, all come to an end at some point. The duration of the storm is something entirely different. There are no guarantees. They can be gentle refreshments (such as an overnight shower). Or they can be tempests (hurricane Katrina). But it ends.

For the past two weeks I have been focused entirely on the elements surrounding me (I like to call it tropical storm Beluga). While there has been a lot on my plate, I think one reason I've been noticeably heavy the past several days is because my focus has been off. This is something that I have observed in the past, but for one reason or another have failed to take appropriate action regarding such. I still don't understand what's wrong with me.

tuesday was

better.

I never realized how the weather plays into one's mood. Although today was better than yesterday, there's still a lot up in the air.

Yesterday reached an all time low. I ended up crying actually. I was listening to Samuel Barber's adagio for strings and the music did something that triggered all these emotions.

Anger at how I was humiliated yesterday.
Sadness at how I don't really talk to Kristy anymore.
Confusion over my job.
Helplessness knowing I have zero control over all of it.



Pretty soon my whole head will be gray.

manic mondays

I'm feeling awful.

It started with this morning. I went to work today (actually pretty eager to get the day rolling and everything). When all of a sudden I got a text message saying that career builder today was in Brian's office. Brian isn't the most encouraging of people. But then again why should he be? He's paid his dues. Being the general manager of the Atlanta GO, it's technically his job to ride everyone just to make sure they're doing what they need to. This is how his life intersects mine.

The story basically boils down to Brian chewing me out because my numbers aren't where they should be at the moment. I could go on and on justifying my position (which I truly have some justification), but the bottom line is that my number isn't where Brian or NYL expects it to be. But what really got to me today was how Brian essentially humiliated me (and one other person) in front of everyone.

"You should take the next two weeks off and just quit."

There's lots of talk at the office about celebrating pain, but it's something else to just get told that straight up in your face. I have nothing but respect for Brian (he wouldn't be in the position he's in were it not for the hard work he has already done), but I think it's wise to consider alternative forms of motivation besides negative ones. Not everyone responds well to that BS.

In my case, all it did was discourage me.

Perhaps that was the whole point. He either wanted me to intensify my efforts or get off the bandwagon. I guess I responded favorably (I ended up setting four appointments today) but whatever. I mean it's like when you hit a horse with a whip. Sure he'll move faster. You'll probably be able to produce repeated results for a considerable amount of time. But how long until the horse's back gives out due to repeated abuse? That's why Jesus was so brilliant. He had every authority to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were relative to their standing before God. But instead, He truly saw people as they should be and not as they appeared at the moment. What a guy.

I better be careful with how this junk affects me. There's gunk buildup all around in my heart.

I feel like I was treated unfairly.
I feel frustrated because my work isn't paying off.
I feel disappointed because I let myself get in this position.
I feel angry because I can't get back at Brian.
Maybe I just feel jealousy because I'm not making as much money as Brian.


I feel a lot of things right now. And I'm losing focus.


Yet, I still have faith. If I work as hard as I can on my end, I can't be held accountable anymore.

I can only trust God for the rest.

I commit to writing to this more often

So much going on.

So little commitment to get my thoughts written down. Soon enough.

new day

help me stay focused Lord.

Help my joy be grounded on what is undeniably true instead of what seems to be consistently changing.

And lead me in the way of the everlasting.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Well it finally happened.

I was able to have the long awaited "DTR" talk with Kristy. And now, although it's going to suck tremendously, it seems agreed upon that we will simply no longer talk.

I guess the beginning starts with the rather unique set of circumstances leading up to our epic discussion. This week has been finals week for her so to try and encourage her, I create/sent her a "finals survivor kit." Such a kit includes the following items:

- homemade card from yours truly
- can of guarana (energy)
- bag of doritos (calories = energy)
- organic blend of blueberry, raspberry, and other juices (anthocyanin)
- fruit cup of blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry (anthocyanin)
- cup of pecans (folic acid)
- one apple (acetylcholine)

This was all conveniently packaged of course. So our conversation begins with her (freshly hungover from a night drinking) thanking me for being so sweet to her. The requisite small talk commences and soon enough we begin our DTR.

Honestly, all I wanted to do was be on the same page as her. There has been a whole lot of growing closer but should we be getting this close kind of feeling and I couldn't stand it anymore. If we're going to get deeper we had to be on the same page. If we didn't want to get that way I had to readjust my expectations for the relationship. So this was the approach I took. This ended up being a 1.5 hour conversation. Essentially here are the main points that I got:

- she's "fine" with the way things are now. The only time she can't stand it is when we fight over where our relationship going.
- her main concern is me allowing her to be simply who she is. And not trying to force anything on her.
- The closer she gets to me, the more she realizes how much she doesn't want to be with me.
- She doesn't want to be with me because she just doesn't "feel" anything for me.
- If she could have things her way (in a perfect world) we would just continue the way things are now.
- she doesn't understand why things have to be so complicated for me and I can't just let her be herself.

Anticipating all of this, I let her know that if she wanted me to just view her as a normal friend of mine, that I would be completely willing to do that. It's just that, given the type of person that I am, the "normal friend" category in my life is marginally better than mere acquaintance. This is the heart of where the tension is. Because she wants the level of closeness that we currently share, but she's unwilling to explore that bond any further. The rationale being that the only way to explore that further is that we would be dating (which as she highlighted numerous times is something that she doesn't want to do).

The whole time we talked I just felt like all she wanted to do was rub in my face how much she didn't want to date me. But the thing is I'm not even looking for that. Here's the way I see it:

1) There's a pretty strong connection between me and Kristy (agreed)
2) Said connection is something unfound as we are completely unlike each other (agreed)
3) Said connection is also what draws us to each other (Fred 1 Kristy 0)
4) Why not pursue that connection and see how deep it goes?

But all of this is neither here nor there.
She views me as just a friend.
I view her as more than a friend.
And, for now, the strategy is to get me back to the place where I view her simply as a friend.


It's too bad that we'll probably end up sacrificing our friendship altogether to get there.

Ahh, humble

You do not delight in sacrifice
or I would bring it
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart,

O God, you will not despise.



No wonder.

Friday Morning Thoughts

I love quotes!

"Whatever...You are easily replaceable." - Kristy Tran




Yet here I am missing her like crazy.