man

I miss her so much.

What I would give to just talk to her right now.

long and lost

Alright. It's time to play catch up.

The last big happening centered around some drama actually. One of the side effects of this tennis addiction has been that I've been able to play with a regular "tennis group." Problem with groups is that, after prolonged exposure, the potential for conflict tends to go up. We played literally every day. The inevitable bump in the road came.

It turns out that I was actually the instigator. Apparently I said some things in a very sarcastic manner that didn't rub off the right way. They got offended but instead of doing something logical like telling me how I hurt their feelings, they decided to blacklist me. Ever the observant one, I ended up telling them how their blacklisting made me feel and suddenly they had egg on their face. Long story short, Brandon and I are pretty much reconciled (which I think is pretty important since he got to see first hand what grace is all about) but things between Hank, Emily and I haven't been the same since. Which, in my opinion, is either a reflection of how shallow of a friendship it was to begin with; or perhaps it's of greater indication of their willingness to tackle difficult issues in their life. Perhaps both. Either way it's a shame.

Work wise, I'm settling into my new position quite nicely. It's a lot of information being able to remember stuff but nothing too difficult. A lot of people say I'm doing very well. I think I just know how to listen. IT's not hard to do the task when you're surrounded by good teachers and I have been. One guy I find hilarious at my job is a guy named drew. Every time I see him I think he's stoned. And it doesn't help that he gives really awesome responses to stuff too. For example:

"So drew what time did you get here this morning?"
"Supposed to be 6:15 but it was more like 6:32ish"
"Oh really? What happened?"
"I couldn't find my keys."
"Where did you end up finding them?"
"In the trash can. I have no idea how they got there."
"sweet."

It just doesn't get more priceless than that.

Kristy wise, it's more of the same. This whole I'm a fish and she's the fisherman. I see the bait and sadly I know the hook is right below it, yet I just can't get over it. It's awful. I tried quitting cold turkey but she started talking to me. It's a really awful place. I'm trying to find places to be grateful just to be her friend, but I find it difficult to either view her as simply a friend or keep myself from realizing that sooner or later she'll use me just for emotional security.

I wish we could just have an honest conversation with each other. If only I could hear her say why in the world she keeps playing around with me. If she wants a close relationship with me, what boundaries is she willing to help me enforce? If she wants to be "just friends" then why not let us be just friends? I hate this whole not talking then all of a sudden asking me out of nowhere to go watch the time traveler's wife with her. Then the whole get into an argument but then ask me to keep her awake while she drives home.

Maybe I'm most frustrated for myself for enabling her. I care about her so much. I just wish it meant more to her. It's pretty weird. She's the only person I have an expectation for my loyalty. I didn't even have that for Glorie when her family was doing all that BS to me. But with Kristy, I want so bad for her to see the fact that friendships like mine don't come so often. Maybe I'm focusing on me too much.

All that aside, spiritually I'm kinda stagnant. I'm not murdering anyone thankfully, but I'm in one of those phases where I'm just kind of "going through the motions." That never goes anywhere with any relationship. I don't know. I have to think bigger picture. I have to pray bigger picture. I want to start living bigger picture.

Again.

survivor

It has been a turbulent ride, but it's over.

Thankfully, and with the help of much grace from the capital G, I have emerged from the weekend. It's kind of neat considering that sunday I actually got to take one of those much lauded sunday afternoon naps. I think mine would have been more enjoyable had it stemmed from leisure instead of sheer exhaustion.

I'd love to journal some more, but I think it would be wise to get some rest before my shift tomorrow AM. I have to get used to waking up really early. Saturday I have to be in at 5:30 AM. As in Ante Meridian. Id est I will be up before the sun starts waking up. Translation: I either have to go a straight 24 hours or start sleeping way earlier in order to preserve my sanity.

Last thing I wanted to jot down before I doze is this continuing observation about relationships. I have discovered that relationships (surprise?) take work; and no one has worked harder than Jesus to maintain/build them. What a thought.

dead tired

my schedule for the next 48 hours:

6:15 AM - Meet for carpool.
6:30 AM - Drive to St. Francis to serve.
7:00-11 - Serve.
12-4 PM - Learn how to make cold drinks at the empire.
5-7 PM - Ethan party
8-? - sleep?
645 AM - meeting for BC production.
7:00 AM - 12:00 PM - Serve.


Not that bad now that I write it out. I just don't have any energy.

2nd day of "work"

I'm scheduled to clock in in about an hour.

Sure, the job isn't glamorous, but then again neither is God; and look how awesome He turned out. As soon as I get rid of this elitist mentality that I'm too good for what I'm doing, I think the sky's the limit for my potential. I could be one of those cool humble leaders. The ones that don't even lead because they try hard; they're the ones people follow because they verify for themselves that they're worth following.

But that's all for later (maybe). For now, it's off to 4 hours of putting an apron on and laughing at how my life isn't quite what I thought it would be a year ago. But I guess that's ok.

And, I really am grateful.

Friday Night Thoughts

It happened when I was driving home.

I had just finished some epic matches with Terri, Anthony, and Van (where yours truly was part of the victorious squad each time). We went back to Terri's house where I met up with Phuong and saw the kids. I gave them all the stuff I got for them while in Toronto (just two hockey sticks and some candy). Of course the other one was there, cooking. It was kind of an awkward exchange but whatever I got the money for my falcons tickets. They pleaded for me to stay for dinner but, knowing it wouldn't be wise, I politely declined.

On the way home, I had a feeling that I knew that they were feeling. The fact that I so easily integrated into their lives but something wasn't quite right due to the fact that no one really knew why I wasn't a more apparent part in the first place. The elephant in the room, of course, is the fact that there's a very poor relationship between Kristy and me now. We can both say the right things and act the right way, but I never can quite recall when being fake was superior to being transparent.

I wish I were able to have a better relationship with Kristy, but I'm slowly conceding that that very issue is no longer within my sphere of influence; that is, if any sort of relationship between us is to be made better, either Kristy or God will have to take initiative because I've literally exhausted all the influence I had to begin with. Moreover, Kristy specifically has to be the one who wants it. And frankly, she doesn't.

So, as I was on my 30 minute journey from Terri's house to my own, I just pressed shuffle on the iPod and just let myself be alone with my thoughts. Instead I just ended up worshiping God. As poor of a parallel as it may be, just as I have yet to give up on pursuing a very deep friendship with Kristy, I don't think God has quite given up on pursuing a very deep friendship with me. Further, my persistent let downs and flakiness don't seem to diminish my value in God's eyes in much the same way I still think the world of Kristy. When you have someone in your life who is so unequivocally for you like that, it's very easy to take that person for granted. I think I understand more now.

I ended my ride with "Your Grace is Sufficient." Oh how I desire to be that mature someday in my walk with Christ. The fact that God's grace is singularly gratifying to me. At the moment, I'm much too immature and too easily satisfied by worldy things (namely Babolat tennis products). But some day, I am confident that my relationship with God will venture out from the kiddie pool.

Until then, I'm grateful to have such a wonderful Person in my life.

relationship building 201

One things that everyone has to come to terms with is that other people in their life (whether closely held or otherwise) will fault them.

That is, sooner or later every other person you're in a relationship with (platonic or romantic) will do something wrong to you. This is not to imply that every wrong will be devastating. Sometimes it will be simply not washing the dishes for the husband. Other times it will be making a commitment to go eat ice cream and not following through on it. All said, it's no real big deal.

Obviously, there are the wrongs that are a little bit more severe. The aforementioned husband may suddenly choose to fornicate with another woman. One's best friend perhaps may speak the sharpest words in the heat of emotion and suddenly cause irreparable damage to the once pristine relationship. Et cetera.

The remedy in any fault of a relationship is dependent entirely on how much one looks out for the OTHER person's best interest and not their own.

Dishes will always be washed when the wife considers just how much of a difference doing something small like that makes to her OCD husband after a long day at work.
Spending 30 minutes to eat ice cream with a friend is no longer troublesome when one takes into account that your presence alone means the world to the other friend (and the rest is just a cherry on top) [pun intended].
Infidelity no longer seems worth it when viewed in context of the lifelong trauma it inflicts upon the daughter who has to be raised by the (newly turned) alcoholic mother who no longer has any interest raising a functional family.
Bitter tongues suddenly learn to tame themselves when suddenly there comes discovery that with losing a friend comes relentless heartache of remorse and guilt from a moment's foolishness.
While these examples are pretty elementary, there are a number of ways I have come to benefit from this mindset at all times.

A very peculiar relationship of mine (we'll just call this one special K for now) always stretches the bounds of this principle. Recently we made plans to spend the whole day together to catch up with each other to simple enjoy each other's company. Said day arrived and she ends up sleeping until late in the evening. Frustrated, I chose to pursue my own interests the rest of the night. She called repeatedly only to receive voicemail greeting after voicemail greeting.

Communication resumed eventually. She expressed she was sorry and accidentally slept throughout the entire day (jet lag you know?) but she was very upset that I didn't return her phone calls. I expressed that I was extremely frustrated with her (she had done this exact same thing to me now on multiple occasions) and did not have the emotional resolve to speak with her at that moment. We were both over it, but she was relentless in highlighting the fact that I could've done a much better job at least responding via text/phone call once I had cooled off.

She was right.

My frustration was justified, but future frustration could've easily been avoided had I simply communicated with her. She had a right to be upset with my stoic front, but had she kept in mind just how precious our day would have been for me in general, she wouldn't have had greater incentive to wake up.

And this awful feeling of our relationship disintegrating wouldn't be a reality.

relationship building 101

Just thought I'd write down something I've learned about relationships.

Relationships, very simply, require two people to both prioritize the friendship enough to want to maintain/grow it.
The best way to grow them is to invest time into it.
However, the time investment comes with the caveat of trust. For without trust, the environment cannot foster healthy growth.
If at any time there is shortfall in any of the above, the relationship will suffer either in the short or long term.

I have found that there is a direct proportion in the level of my friendships when I consider how much I trust the other person. Those whom I trust the most I have the closest relationships with. This makes sense. However, what is frightening is the fact that giving someone an extraordinary amount of trust also means giving them free access to your life. This entails giving them the authority to speak into your life when you're acting stupid and/or giving them the free will to stab you in the back at any moments notice (I can attest to both very well).

Very few people recognize that principle. Fewer still the people who will actually leverage the principal to their advantage.


But it's their loss.

at the moment

sad.

very very sad.

Canadian conditions

So much to be thankful for.

I woke up this morning in sort of an awkward state. My dream was pretty unique. I imagined that a toy ninja had transformed into a killing machine and was ruthlessly trying to kill me. He would throw his sword around and it would hit my hands and deliver a pain so sharp that words simply would not encapsulate the literal surge of nerves telling me something was wrong. I honestly was running all around the house just trying to run from a TOY ninja that had gone haywire. I didn't quite awake in a sweat, but I was totally in a different state of mind to say the least. Then I showered and had spam and dilis-fried rice. Two things I don't particularly enjoy, but when someone has gone out of their way to make room for YOU in THEIR house, likes and dislikes tend to melt away to the superficial realm that they come from.

Then came Niagara falls.

We arrived at the hotel my cousins have been staying at around 10ish. It was quite a resort. Complete with a casino and everything. I was rather envious considering I spent a large part of my night running away from a toy ninja but hey whatev you know. We proceeded straight to the maiden of the mist:



It's kind of a weird experience. Everyone gets in a big tugboat with ponchos on. Then you start seeing why Niagara is such a strong attraction. Within minutes we were within a few yards of the bottom of the falls and man was it incredible! It was hard just to keep my eyes open just because the wind and water was so intense and swirling in every direction. It was such a sight. I've never seen water so relentless in it's fury. It was power truly at work. I mean, there are people who have been known to be ruthless people on earth (Mussolini, Hitler, my bosses from NYL) who would seem to command authority when they simply walk. But none of them even held a stick to the authority that those waterfalls held. I mean there was simply no question who was in charge because everyone knew that it was the waterfall's way or the highway. Wet, we finally docked back on shore.

Afterward we just walked around and eventually found ourselves in a mall. My cousins are a strange group of people. They would complain about not wanting to spend a lot of money on the food at the mall (like $7.xx entrees), but would have no hesitation spending $15 on a shirt from guess just cause it was 70% off. I guess it's all about what's valuable and what's not. I suppose I should just be thankful that shopping isn't a real big thing of mine. I look, determine if I want anything, evaluate whether or not I can afford it, then execute. Simple really.

Tomorrow we go to downtown Toronto and peruse the views from the CN tower. Then, apparently it's off to Chinatown to "sightsee" and probably shop some more. Oh joy.

Still thankful though and thoroughly drained by now. Hopefully I can get glimpses of the spiritual condition of the city tomorrow.

Red leaves and different dialects

Thank the capital G that I arrived in Toronto safely. My plane ride was rather pleasant actually. My seat mate was actually one of the most hairy armed person I’ve ever met in my life, but it’s ok considering the guy was totally friendly. We exchanged pleasantries and the like and I actually am really glad we got to talk.

I got to meet Bernadette’s brother and other family. They’re top notch people. Remind me a lot of my family at home. Someday they should come and visit as well.

Oh, I got ripped off at the exchange rate place. They were giving $0.98 CAD for every $1 USD. Considering that it was $1 USD = $1.10 CAD I’d say that that’s quite a rip. Yet, like a sucker, I exchanged $10 USD at that awful rate. Hopefully I can hit up a bank tomorrow.

Speaking of which, the goal is to go to the notorious Niagara falls tomorrow and spend the entire day there. We should have plenty of photo opportunities. We plan on going on something known as maiden of the mist. Apparently it’s some special thing that takes you right under the niagar falls. According to Mark (Bernadette’s brother), it’s a very raw way to witness just how truly powerful the Niagara Falls are.

I’m thinking it can be yet another way for God to really reveal just how awesome He is.

Guess that’s it for now. I’m pretty exhausted.

an off night

It's a weird night in more ways than one.

I stepped in front of this literary canvas of mine...and have nothing to write. Not that there isn't a lot going through my head (which there is), but nothing special seems worthy of documentation.

I guess it's just more appropriate to just sit back and reflect today.

relationships take work

I had the pleasure recently of reconnecting with a dear friend of mine.

It has been a long time coming, as our last meaningful conversation had not occurred in quite some time. Yet, last week, conversations finally happened and all the gunk that had been built up inside surfaced for examination. It was thrilling yet frightening.

The moment was awkward at first actually. They had been waiting for quite some time and I was soaking wet (fresh from my game of basketball where yours truly was displaying jordan-esque skills). Then, when I was able to freshen up, we were able to finally get to things.

Small talk.
Then pointed small talk.
Then deep talk.
Then hard conversation talk.
Then relieved talk because we finally were able to start understanding one another.
Then where do we go from here talk.
Then happy talk.
Then joyful reconciliation talk.

While that summary was quite poignant, it should be noted that the duration of that dialogue took more than 2 years. That's 730+ days of tears, doubt, and anger among other emotions. And frankly, I had given up on the idea that any reconciliation would occur in the first place.

But, as I discovered, there was urgency on the other person's heart just as much as it was on mine. Which is why I have come to conclude that relationships take work. This is true of all relationships (whether platonic, romantic, or otherwise). Both parties must have some desire to benefit the other partner otherwise the relationship becomes unhealthy (and ultimately, perhaps, broken). But when both are working at it, the momentum leads to a better place. It doesn't always end up as a happy ending, but it does end up getting you somewhere.

And the best friendships get you to a place where you couldn't go yourself.

humility (again) (again??)

This whole transition from NYL has been quite tumultuous.

Officially speaking, I'm still with the company. Unofficially, I'm very much looking at all of my options. I've spent a considerable amount of time looking this past week at either new jobs or at tennis related material. I think it would be absolutely convenient and lovely if I could just become a tennis professional. That way tennis could pay for my living.

Yet, I find that completely unfulfilling all the same.

I'm not sure what exactly is in store for me. For that matter, I'm not even sure what it is that I want to do next. I feel that I'm very talented and will be a very good hire for someone, but I don't know quite what exactly that means. I have a lot of head knowledge in the financial spectrum of things, but I'm not dead set in staying in that field either. I think I'd be equally content doing something else entirely. That has been a blessing and a curse all the same.

Part of the frustration stems from the fact that a lot of my resume is tailored for someone on a path to financial professionalism.

I don't really care one way or the other.

But I think this is where this whole humility thing is being drilled into my head yet again (really now? 2.5 years of the same lesson already?). There's no doubt that God has uniquely gifted me to be able to adapt and do many, many things well; but I have also gloated on those things as a reflection of me instead of Him. As a result, in my arrogance, I have foolishly believed that this transition period in my life would conveniently fall into place without any hardship at all. I mean, who wouldn't want to hire me?

But, instead I'm slowly trying to embrace the reality that I should be thankful for any job that I have. Even if it means lowering my pride and accepting a position that I'm over-qualified for. Let God work in me so that He can work through me. What a novel thought.

But this job better come fast (please?). Otherwise I think I'll just be an exotic dancer. Get excited.

back

It's been a long long time.

A lot has developed. More that I will get into tomorrow.

But for now, this is what I'm dwelling on:

"If we value comfort more than character, then trials will upset us. If we value the material and physical more than the spiritual, we will not be able to count it joy! If we live only for the present and forget the future, the trials will make us bitter and not better." - Wiersbe

melancholy and daybreak

It's been a pretty epic week in terms of life.

There's been another dilemma in the craziness that is New York Life. I haven't received an email back from Brian but I made a very strong case for myself. I am hopeful that at some point this week I will have my meeting with Brian but I don't have any control over any of that in the meantime.

I'm better from a relationship standpoint though. I think I finally hit that breakthrough part where I FINALLY understand that Kristy simply doesn't care about me or my time as much as I care about her. It's difficult to be in this position, but at least this time I have the benefit of experience. This sort of ordeal so closely echoes what I've already gone through with Glorie that it's kinda humorous. It hurts just as bad, but when you put yourself out on the line for someone the pain is a risk that one has to take. Theorhetically the pain is so worth it if the other person is willing to equally put themselves out on the line. But that's just it--it must be mutually submission/affection. Since that clearly isn't the case with Kristy, I end up with the short end of the stick.

I remain hopeful though. There's good news for those in hopeless situations like me. There's an ongoing initiative labeled "redemption" for anyone interested. Where those crying in darkness (me) can trade in their freshly embered ashes for beautiful restoration. You just have to know where to look.

I haven't quite latched onto it, but I'm at least back on the train. And, it feels good knowing that I can move in a forward direction--even if I'm reluctant to let anyone else carry all my luggage. But smiles eventually sprinkle around life again. And the warmth of love will come.

Who knows...maybe there's hope for me yet.

2:51

And it's clear.

Sleep has decided to omit my bedroom tonight.

brooding feelings

anger.
pride.
resentment.
unfairness.
confusion.
insignificance.
unrecognition.
bitterness.


no positive spin at all.

a really dark place

it's so painful.

Yesterday was another huge deadline for the company. I really don't know what to believe in anymore. I was supposed to be at 9000 but there seems to be a dilemma regarding my "true" number. According to my math, and hey I know a little bit about numbers), I should be at about 9075. Dashboard shows me at 7085. I already saw two people pack up their desks because they got axed. I have very little confidence that I won't follow their lead.

Today was such an emotionally draining day. This morning's "council rush" really solidified why I think corporate america is so great and so awful. Competition breeds excellence but what's the point if we have to step all over each other to get there? My insight is shot.

I had a little bit of a high today when I was able to close a deal. It came very unexpected and it's not much but I'm very happy taking it. Add to that the fact that the sun was shining and all seemed very well. Even my second appointment went well. Didn't close anything...but got referrals. So it was all good.

Then, inevitably, the rest of the day came. I was supposed to meet up with Kristy today. She's leaving for a month tomorrow to go tour asia. So, after two months of non-communication...suddenly lines were open again. The plan was for us to hang out before she left.

But, the problem this time was I believed her.

Long story short I fly straight from my appointment to her area only to have her not pick up my phone calls. I called every 30 minutes 3 different times. I ended up driving to Borders and buying a book for her to read on the plane in my wait for her. She picks up the fourth time simply to say she never received any of my previous calls. Go figure.

Pressed for time, we discover that if we're to hang out at all it couldn't be for long because she still had a lot of packing to do and she still has to meet up with Lee and her other friends this evening. So, even being less than 5 minutes away from her house, I tell her to use the time to finish packing so that she wouldn't be stressed for time (this was done as a preemptive measure since #1) I know that she wouldn't have finished packing until 3 AM or so this morning cause she would be drunk tonight and #2) if she didn't get a lot of sleep it's likely she would've started fighting with her mom and that would be an awful way to start the trip).

Fast forward to an hour before midnight and I'm still waiting patiently for her. And I feel completely ridiculous for having made a card with an airplane on it wishing her safety on her travels. And really dumb for buying headphones that cancel out ambient noise so she can sleep better on the plane. And most stupid because I actually believed she would want to see me too.



I feel so awful. I swear a person should not be capable of experiencing this much rejection. I mean I get it all the time from work related activities. Should it come from someone that's considered a dear friend as well? What

I'm so stupid.

Come to think of it, I can't even recall eating today.

I haven't felt this low in two years.

*sigh*

sometimes I wish everything was different.


Actually, I wish that all the time.