definitely wishing I could be normal

In continuing the thought from yesterday, I have unearthed even more evidence that I'm probably not from earth.

- I realized when looking at all my pictures that I don't have any pictures of friends. I don't really have pictures of people in general. There's the occasional group of friends here and there but I am mostly taking pictures of really random objects/things. Who does that anyway?

- I've never been the type to "party." All my friends are into letting loose and just having fun. My version of fun is simply laughing and doing something weird (like listening to a great story). Or, I choose to do stuff that's more meaningful...like write something to someone or Someone. I figure we only have a short amount of time here on earth so why waste it being self-centered?

- I just found out that if I don't produce 8750 of FYC by the end of may my contract will be terminated. Sweet.

- If I'm everything that Kristy wants in a boyfriend, why doesn't she want me to be her boyfriend? It just doesn't make any sense.

- Sometimes I just think and think and think about stuff and never just kind of sit back and watch. I enjoy figuring things out even when they aren't meant to be figured out. Like women. I very well may give up on love in general.

- And, for that matter, any hope that there is still a friendship left to salvage/hope for with her/them.

- There better be a heaven. All this patience better be worth it.



And in the end, I'm thankful that I have been graced with a modicum of insight to recognize, full and well, how arrogant I'm becoming. Out of my frustration due to my inability to correct certain aspects of my life, I've developed a chauvinistic mentality regarding my own intelligence.

How truly awesome would it be if, instead of just randomly blurbing my tangent thoughts in bullet format, I simply responded with confidence that I may not know as much as I think I do. And maybe, just maybe, God really does want the best for me and is writing my story in a way that's fitting for a unique little character like me. I'm sure he's having to make crossouts for the parts I keep trying to write myself, but in the end it's his epic and my job to be a supporting lead.

But I don't.

resident...alien?

C.S. Lewis has a quote that is pretty awesome.

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." I love it. In this context (Mere Christianity), CS is alluding to the fact that it's likely that our time here on earth is but a mere whisper; and we would be wise to maintain proper perspective concerning such things. In other words, that there are greater things yet to come and that this world, as great as it may seem sometimes, is not really our home.

Lately, I couldn't agree any more.

I've been in a great little stretch where I've been such a screw up and failing people. Others, whom I once considered so dear, are now something far different in my life. Then there's the infinite gray in between. I wish I could fix everything but I have no control over anything. If I wanted to speak Christianese, this is where I would say "Good thing I have a God who doesn't change." and all this other blah blah. And, while I agree that that statement is 100% relevant and 100% true, it doesn't always mean that I will apply that truth as such.

I guess lately I've just been searching for a friend. A fred godoy for fred godoy. But I guess I'll just have to wait.

i've been thinking

I don't really know as much as I think I do.


humility.

update!

Ok. I'm going to be intentional about this.

There has been a lot that hasn't been written down. I guess I could start with work. It's been hard finding a rhythm ever since getting back from Brasil. The way the job works, it's hard to find two people everyday to sit down with if you aren't extremely intentional about it. I've been having to really hustle to get back in a groove. Thankfully, I've been managing and God has been sending people my way. I guess all in all things are optimistic; but there are still huge goals that must be met otherwise I could ultimately end up with a terminated contract. That would be bad.

On a personal front, things are much more complex. On one hand, I am really enjoying the place that I'm at. My small group is growing dynamically and the direction is toward a more intimate environment. At church I am starting to grow in that more and more people are starting to see what a quirky person I am...and it's blowing their minds away. I guess the whole "listen before you speak" mentality only stuck to me? Whatev. The friendships that I am in currently couldn't be any more thankful for me. I owe this completely to the capital G; after all, they aren't gravitating toward me--just the God in me. Or something like that.

On the other hand, there's the hot mess of a situation that I'm really in the thick of regarding Ms. Kristy Tran. I don't even know where to start with it. I like her so much. I mean SOOOO much. But it drags me down so much. You see, there is this ridiculous game of cat and mouse that we play. Where she is the cat and I'm the hopeless mouse that repeatedly steps into her traps.

What has happened is that our friendship has evolved. It began on a normal level (you know the whole first meet wow what a cool person kind of ordeal) and just kind of stayed that way. Then, our contact began to increase with regularity. It started with talking on the phone then hanging out consistently (normal stuff honestly). Naturally, as things do when they take this sort of trajectory, we got closer and closer. Follow this progression to about where it stands right now where we would both identify the other as someone of tremendous, that is irreplaceable, value. Enter the conflict.

For me, this intimacy has come with emotion. This is the first person I've been genuinely attracted to since Glorie. This has been met with great caution from all sides. She is not a Christian, her mindset is completely different from mine, as well as the fact that she still has a lot of issues that need to be addressed. Yet, despite all of this, I choose her. Not because of anything particular...but I think it's more of a combination of how different she is from me as well as our amazing chemistry. I love spending time with her it's that simple.

For her, the sentiment is generally the same. Except for the fact that she isn't quite as attracted to me romantically. To quote her, "You're everything I want in a guy except for a few small things." Those "things" being that I'm not vietnamese or catholic enough for her. Not to belittle these criticisms, but is that really all she has? I mean if anything I feel bad for her because she doesn't know what she's missing out on in terms of true relationship with God. I'm out of my mind for speaking like this, but if she could only taste God I think she would lose her mind. So, to throw that in my face, is just a little weird for me. This is especially true when one considers that she says "I feel closer to God because of you." to me. Blah.

I really can't understand her. I mean if she finds so much in me that she loves, doesn't it make sense for her to want that for herself? Like exclusively? And everytime I approach her with that topic she gets defensive. It's so stupid. I feel like she wants all the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment. It's frustrating and it's bothering me. Yet I continue to serve her like a little dummy. Maybe this is what I deserve?

All this said, it just made me start thinking about how I've been wired anyway. I feel like my patience is such that it becomes a fault. I mean to this day I still actively think/pray for Glorie and I haven't heard from her in a hot minute. They've clearly moved on and yet here I am just kind of waiting for a friendship to resume. Oh well.

I'm trying to find God out of all this. I trust in His sovereignty. Tell me God are you still there?

I know You are.
I know You are.

I'm just looking in all the wrong places.

need to get caught up so bad

I miss writing so bad!

But I still can't spend this time writing. But, just so I don't lose any rhythm, I'd like to spend this time at least getting down the thoughts that I've been pondering.

- It's risky to love. The greater you love the greater the potential for equal pain. The pinnacle example of this is Jesus.

- Unity is underrated. When's the last time anyone ever chose to walk away from true community?

- Friendships, at their purest form, require reform. That is, each person challenges the other(s) to become a better person. This is executed perfectly when the focus is on Christ but still beneficial even to non believers. So, why does it seem like we can get content with friendships just because they have long history?


That is all--for now.

my day

- tried to rick roll a lot of people. (Failure)

- wanted to send glorie an email/text/call (failure..but that's good?)

- had client cancel 3 policies on me (epic failure)

- got called names cold calling (failureish)

- didn't die cause of allergies today (win!)

- focused on Christ when it was hard (win win!)

- overstayed my welcome at a friend's house (fail)



Overall I guess I'm still holding up. Trying to keep my chin up you know? Sometimes I wish I could just come to someone (i.e. a gf) to just say what's on my mind and them just accept me and embrace me. That was the best.

But I guess for now I'll just depend on other things. Like God.

What a thought.

tired.

Pretty tired at the moment but I think I'm onto something.

There's a question that was proposed to me today that I think everyone would benefit from asking themselves.


why?


Why am I going to work today?
Why am I working at (x) employer?
Why am I pursuing a relationship with God?


The application is endless.

It still needs refining, but I think this could be the start of something big. Too tired to expound. So much video editing ):

Ever had that feeling where you don't know where to start?

It's been just under a week since I've been back.

"Wow" seems to be the only words that come out. Honestly. I've been trying to unpack everything (little by little), but work has really been consuming my time. I haven't really been producing (producing defined here as applications turned in), and thus they get on my case when I leave the country for a week. It's ok (I hope). So, the updates have been slower than I had anticipated.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. The picture sums it all up. There's a lot of blue in my sky right now. And there's even strategically placed palm trees to liven things up a bit. Note how my picture isn't exactly blemish free, but it's oh so happy.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We celebrated by spending $1300 at Fogo de Chao (this would be the 2nd time in two weeks, mind you, that I ate at a Brasilian churrascaria). The night was festive enough but only exacerbated my desire to be back in Brasil and speak portuguese again. And speaking of which (pun intended) I got a random text message from good ol' praiselynn. Apparently the card I sent was received. Hooray!

Today we mostly spent celebrating Jessica's birthday. She turned the prime age of one and there was a festival enjoyed by all. Ok, perhaps it wasn't a festival (and by all, I mean all of the Godoy family) but we did celebrate with her. She had a dress on and even wore a tiara. It epitomized the meaning of the word "awwwwwwwwwww."

Guess that's it for now. Nothing profound. Just stating the facts.

Finally here

I've been traveling for more than 14 hours now. I'm exhausted.


And excited! Oi! Bem-vindo!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Well, here I am.

It's been a tumultuous 5 days, but I'm finally able to just sit down and express. It's interesting really. The rest of my team is a few isles over carrying about in their random riff-raff. I'm against a column patiently waiting for our flight to leave for San Paolo. I guess this kind of encapsulates me in a sense. I've always been the "off" one.

Lately, I've been pretty sad. Nothing particularly dramatic has happened. But, I think that a lot of my emotions are due to the fact that I place seemingly unattainable expectations on people. Not that I demand that my friends be this way or that way; it's simply that I expect my friends to act in a manner that reflects how I may treat them.

Kristy has been a sterling example of this.

The understanding is that I am one of her most cherished friends. The valuation is likewise. However the tension lies in the expectations. I, for one reason or another, have fallen head over heels for this woman. Knowing this, it has caused her to not act like herself. As a result stupid stuff seems to happen. Like her giving me the distinguished title of "most awkward person that I know" on my birthday of all days. And the small little arguments that we end up getting into for no reason at all. Sometimes I wish I could say to her "you know...how would you feel if I treated you the way that you treat me?" but it's kind of like taboo to say those things. And it sucks. Because it feels like I'm the one at fault for expecting more out of the friendship than she has. But shouldn't I expect great things from my friends?

Then there's additional tension between friends who expect so much from me. I try to be the most loyal and great friend to each and every person I truly consider close, but sometimes it can be rather fatiguing. I just wish some people would understand that as great as they think I am, I'm not superman. And it is likely that I will fail them at some point in the future.

This doesn't even include how easy it is for me to get hurt by Glorie again. I've tried to initiate small conversations but that has been hard as well. It's like her life has been in motion for so long and I've long missed my window to be a part of it. Which truly saddens me. Because I would do everything possible to slow my life if it meant it would be for her benefit. Alas, I think I'm beginning to understand that Glorie just doesn't see me the way I view her. Because it doesn't matter that all this BS happened between us in the past. I still choose to view her as Glorie. Even though I'm clearly not fred to her anymore.




Gotta jet! We're boarding.

Don't fret!

There shall be a true post soon.

There's a few items on my plate that I've been delicately juggling and I'm...managing. Said items include, but are not limited to,

- Brazil in 9 days? Holy mother of grail.

- 6 appointments in 4 hours. Beat that hot shot.

- Undeniable vs unexplainable.

- She said I was easily the best at making people around me incredibly uncomfortable.

- Praise didn't say happy birthday to me. Not a requirement...no. But noticeably omitted. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she had no desire. Maybe she wasn't allowed? Maybe she was unsure. Whatever the case I definitely noticed. And, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (perhaps foolishly).

- Obama isn't the devil people. And His decisions aren't signs of an upcoming apocalypse. True leadership comes from recognition that there's a greater Leader. Honestly, it starts with that principle understanding.

- I miss Glorie.

- They have me serving almost every weekend between NP and BC. I suppose burnout will come at some point.

- Influence comes with respect. Respect comes with authority. Authority starts with servanthood. That's the way.

- oh snapz!!!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday one of my small group members asked me a question.

"I was going to get you a game but I didn't know if you'd play it. Seriously, what do you want for your birthday?"
"Honestly you don't have to get me anything."
"There's nothing that you want?"
"I want mostly intangible things."
"Like what?"
"...I'd love a reconciled relationship with Glorieanne. That's a great starting point."




Yeah. Still very much there. 2 years after the fact even.

Not to say that there hasn't been any progress; because there have been hints of what "could be."

But I want my best friend back. That would be awesome.

3:52 AM

I won money playing poker.

more than 3 times what I put in even.



Yet all I kept thinking about was her.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't get it at all.

Here I am as excited as anything about our day together. It was supposed to be splendid. The goal was to meet up early so that we can begin "study day." Then we would go our separate ways to go fulfill our various commitments.

But, as things often do in my world, events didn't naturally transpire the way that I envisioned them to in my head.

In my anxious state, I woke up bright and early this morning to start my journey to the local library. I thought I would be thoughtful and grab a nice little bite for my friend (oh, yes I'm talking about Kristy) since it was likely hunger would surface at some point during the day.

As I'm sitting and eating my breakfast, she calls. She had clearly just woken up and had spent all last night making music. I thought that was really cool. But it dawned upon me that she probably wouldn't even be in the atlanta area for another 2 hours. "It's cool. I'll just roll with it." became the sentiment.

Somewhere along the way in the 4 hours I was studying myself (which was brutal btw), I started to consider the fact that perhaps I was more enthralled about our day than she was. She finally arrived and let me know that she got carried away playing with her niece and nephew.



This is all to say that, for the 4 hours we've been studying now, it's slowly starting to dawn on me that it's likely that I'm putting more into the friendship than she is. Today in particular she seems very easily irritable. Like she was simply hanging out with me to fulfill some obligatory need.

But who wants a friend like that?

Oh well. I suppose I'll do what I always do and just keep serving her the best that I can. A lot of my friends have said that I'm wasting my time...but I truly digress. I'm not going about hopelessly praying for some change in direction or something; but I have peace knowing that all of the investment that I'm making will stand distinguished forever and ever. If, for one fortuitous reason, God is able to plant a seed in her life through me then it will all be worth it.

I just wish I didn't like her so bad -_-

):

I feel like an idiot.

Big God in small earth

I took this photograph the other day.

There's nothing particularly creative or anything about the shot, but if you glance too quickly you'll miss what makes the picture so awesome. Did you see it? You know...God?

The shadow, whether one admits it or not, forms a smiley face on the headrest of my vehicle. The reason this is significant is that, paradoxically, God shows up BIG in the small places. I never thought about this until recently. And then the verse immediately came to me:

"11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a GENTLE WHISPER." 1 Kings 19

Look for God in the small places. You may even find Him smiling.

what what!

Passed my variables exam today. Talk about hip hop hooooooray!

That's 2 down 2 to go until I'm completely registered for your mutual funding pleasure (-;

the beauty of rejection

there's a funny way people can be when it comes to dismissing certain things.

Take my job for example. Today was NYL's "call-a-thon." All that really means is that we would go about our regular activities today with a specific focus on being on the phone to make more appointments. Only problem with me is that I've exhausted most of my friends who are actually willing to sit down with me. The other ones just say "we already have that covered" and don't even give me a chance to simply explain to them what it is that I'm doing in the first place. I mean c'mon. I'm not forcing a scorpion down anyone's throat; I simply ask for 20 mins and feedback at the end. Hasn't my friendship with [x] merited at least that? I suppose not.

So, this leads us to what I spent a considerable amount of time doing today--cold calling. I liken to compare cold calling to taking a shower in ice. Sure...you are technically more hygienic as a result but it's the most miserable process ever. So, more than 100 dials later, I still didn't make any appointments. Needless to say, "no" was the operative word of today. (as an aside, two of the people that I called passed away 2 years ago so that technically was a no--'twas just extremely awkward).

Then, to kind of put the cherry on top, my would be date for a particular wedding at the end of the month just informed me that they would not be able to join me in celebration. Now I normally wouldn't be bothered by this sort of thing (after all there was no obligatory contract signed or anything), but the timing of this response was just awful. I asked her well over 2 months ago if they would go ahead and put it on their calendar. The response was a tentative one, "ok I'll think about it but I have to see because I never know what will come up in my schedule." Fair enough.

January finally rolls around and still no answer. February rolls in and urgency starts to set in. I finally remind her wednesday.

"I'll let you know by Sunday."
"With respect, is there any way you can be for sure? Because my friend is making name tags and she wants to know who my +1 will be."
"I'll just have to see. I don't know yet."

Fittingly, tonight my friend calls to see if there had been a response with my indecisive prospect. I call said prospect.

"Oh I don't think I can go because I have to work."
"Well is there any way you can work half a day? Or can someone cover?"
"No because we opened up our new store and no one will be there to cover for me."
"...ok."


Now, this is particularly irritating, not because she said no to me, but because of the timing with which it was executed. I honestly couldn't care less that she said no, but at least have the courtesy to give me (and my friend for that matter) the time to make amends in lieu of the lack of commitment. It's not like she didn't know about it. I gave her 3 blasted months to plan ahead. If she knew that there was no way she could get out of work, perhaps that's something that would've been useful several weeks ago before the new shop was opened? It's just annoying. Why can't people be, at the very least, courteous?





then there are those rides home by yourself. Those quirky little God moments where He intervenes and casts light on one's own faults. And, although, in both of these instances I've clearly been treated with less respect than I deserve, it doesn't give me any right to complain about anything. In fact, I have no grounds to even begin contemplating how unfair the situation is. Rather, how profound would it be if I just embraced the whole thing just grateful for the opportunities?

Instead of complaining about how many people won't set appointments with me, just being grateful that I have a job (especially in light of the ever increasing layoffs).
Instead of complaining about how stupid someone acted in terms of their poor handling of an invitation, being joyful of the fact that I'm able to celebrate the union of a dear friend?


Perspective changes everything.

small groupin it

Tonight was quite an interesting night.

It was the first time my small group was going to meet completely. You see, previously there had only been about 5 of us in tandem. Considering that ideally all of us agreed that 8 would be a number worth shooting for, we (and by we I mean me) attended grouplink in an attempt to get new members. New members were indeed added and tonight was the night everyone met each other.

The night started jovially enough. Casual talk. Casual greetings. The like. But things got intently intense during a specific portion of the night.

I shared how I couldn't, for the life of me, understand how I was such a dummy for a particular girl named Kristy. I mean, there's nothing that is utterly indescribable about her, but yet somehow the relationship has been conditioned to the point where logic, at least on my end, is completely thrown out of the window.

The conversation invariably traveled to the point as to whether or not we should date. I, in infinite confliction, articulated the crux of the dilemma. Although it is evident that our chemistry is that of legendary standards, the singular glaring difference between us is our faith. There is no debate to be had on this topic. I'm simply much more focused on living a life for God than she is. This sets up what Christian people call being "unequally yoked."

This leads us to how the conversation went tonight. One of the new members talked about why it wouldn't be so bad to date her after all. I rebutted how a difference in faith means a difference in foundation from the very start (meaning bad, bad, bad). And, when it comes down to it, I should be in a posture to want to obey the bible. He didn't understand that concept. In his eyes, simply believing in God but not necessarily following the bible would be sufficient.

I don't think so.

Were that the case, perhaps it would be a wise idea to go about fornicating wildly until every fleshly pleasure gets satisfied. Or perhaps it would likewise be ideal to parade around in drunken revelry with utter disregard to how one should present themselves. After all, we would all still believe in God right?

The night ended with me simply stating that there are often times in my life where I am naturally inclined to go in one direction that is contradictory to the direction that the bible wants me to go. And it is at that time that it is most crucial for me to voluntarily choose the bible over me.

Because there is such thing as ultimate truth. And that, instead of my own will power to do whatever, is what my faith is vested in.

just a thought

I could probably glorify God 1,000,000x more with my life if I would just get out of my own way.