update!

Ok. I'm going to be intentional about this.

There has been a lot that hasn't been written down. I guess I could start with work. It's been hard finding a rhythm ever since getting back from Brasil. The way the job works, it's hard to find two people everyday to sit down with if you aren't extremely intentional about it. I've been having to really hustle to get back in a groove. Thankfully, I've been managing and God has been sending people my way. I guess all in all things are optimistic; but there are still huge goals that must be met otherwise I could ultimately end up with a terminated contract. That would be bad.

On a personal front, things are much more complex. On one hand, I am really enjoying the place that I'm at. My small group is growing dynamically and the direction is toward a more intimate environment. At church I am starting to grow in that more and more people are starting to see what a quirky person I am...and it's blowing their minds away. I guess the whole "listen before you speak" mentality only stuck to me? Whatev. The friendships that I am in currently couldn't be any more thankful for me. I owe this completely to the capital G; after all, they aren't gravitating toward me--just the God in me. Or something like that.

On the other hand, there's the hot mess of a situation that I'm really in the thick of regarding Ms. Kristy Tran. I don't even know where to start with it. I like her so much. I mean SOOOO much. But it drags me down so much. You see, there is this ridiculous game of cat and mouse that we play. Where she is the cat and I'm the hopeless mouse that repeatedly steps into her traps.

What has happened is that our friendship has evolved. It began on a normal level (you know the whole first meet wow what a cool person kind of ordeal) and just kind of stayed that way. Then, our contact began to increase with regularity. It started with talking on the phone then hanging out consistently (normal stuff honestly). Naturally, as things do when they take this sort of trajectory, we got closer and closer. Follow this progression to about where it stands right now where we would both identify the other as someone of tremendous, that is irreplaceable, value. Enter the conflict.

For me, this intimacy has come with emotion. This is the first person I've been genuinely attracted to since Glorie. This has been met with great caution from all sides. She is not a Christian, her mindset is completely different from mine, as well as the fact that she still has a lot of issues that need to be addressed. Yet, despite all of this, I choose her. Not because of anything particular...but I think it's more of a combination of how different she is from me as well as our amazing chemistry. I love spending time with her it's that simple.

For her, the sentiment is generally the same. Except for the fact that she isn't quite as attracted to me romantically. To quote her, "You're everything I want in a guy except for a few small things." Those "things" being that I'm not vietnamese or catholic enough for her. Not to belittle these criticisms, but is that really all she has? I mean if anything I feel bad for her because she doesn't know what she's missing out on in terms of true relationship with God. I'm out of my mind for speaking like this, but if she could only taste God I think she would lose her mind. So, to throw that in my face, is just a little weird for me. This is especially true when one considers that she says "I feel closer to God because of you." to me. Blah.

I really can't understand her. I mean if she finds so much in me that she loves, doesn't it make sense for her to want that for herself? Like exclusively? And everytime I approach her with that topic she gets defensive. It's so stupid. I feel like she wants all the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment. It's frustrating and it's bothering me. Yet I continue to serve her like a little dummy. Maybe this is what I deserve?

All this said, it just made me start thinking about how I've been wired anyway. I feel like my patience is such that it becomes a fault. I mean to this day I still actively think/pray for Glorie and I haven't heard from her in a hot minute. They've clearly moved on and yet here I am just kind of waiting for a friendship to resume. Oh well.

I'm trying to find God out of all this. I trust in His sovereignty. Tell me God are you still there?

I know You are.
I know You are.

I'm just looking in all the wrong places.

need to get caught up so bad

I miss writing so bad!

But I still can't spend this time writing. But, just so I don't lose any rhythm, I'd like to spend this time at least getting down the thoughts that I've been pondering.

- It's risky to love. The greater you love the greater the potential for equal pain. The pinnacle example of this is Jesus.

- Unity is underrated. When's the last time anyone ever chose to walk away from true community?

- Friendships, at their purest form, require reform. That is, each person challenges the other(s) to become a better person. This is executed perfectly when the focus is on Christ but still beneficial even to non believers. So, why does it seem like we can get content with friendships just because they have long history?


That is all--for now.

my day

- tried to rick roll a lot of people. (Failure)

- wanted to send glorie an email/text/call (failure..but that's good?)

- had client cancel 3 policies on me (epic failure)

- got called names cold calling (failureish)

- didn't die cause of allergies today (win!)

- focused on Christ when it was hard (win win!)

- overstayed my welcome at a friend's house (fail)



Overall I guess I'm still holding up. Trying to keep my chin up you know? Sometimes I wish I could just come to someone (i.e. a gf) to just say what's on my mind and them just accept me and embrace me. That was the best.

But I guess for now I'll just depend on other things. Like God.

What a thought.

tired.

Pretty tired at the moment but I think I'm onto something.

There's a question that was proposed to me today that I think everyone would benefit from asking themselves.


why?


Why am I going to work today?
Why am I working at (x) employer?
Why am I pursuing a relationship with God?


The application is endless.

It still needs refining, but I think this could be the start of something big. Too tired to expound. So much video editing ):

Ever had that feeling where you don't know where to start?

It's been just under a week since I've been back.

"Wow" seems to be the only words that come out. Honestly. I've been trying to unpack everything (little by little), but work has really been consuming my time. I haven't really been producing (producing defined here as applications turned in), and thus they get on my case when I leave the country for a week. It's ok (I hope). So, the updates have been slower than I had anticipated.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. The picture sums it all up. There's a lot of blue in my sky right now. And there's even strategically placed palm trees to liven things up a bit. Note how my picture isn't exactly blemish free, but it's oh so happy.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We celebrated by spending $1300 at Fogo de Chao (this would be the 2nd time in two weeks, mind you, that I ate at a Brasilian churrascaria). The night was festive enough but only exacerbated my desire to be back in Brasil and speak portuguese again. And speaking of which (pun intended) I got a random text message from good ol' praiselynn. Apparently the card I sent was received. Hooray!

Today we mostly spent celebrating Jessica's birthday. She turned the prime age of one and there was a festival enjoyed by all. Ok, perhaps it wasn't a festival (and by all, I mean all of the Godoy family) but we did celebrate with her. She had a dress on and even wore a tiara. It epitomized the meaning of the word "awwwwwwwwwww."

Guess that's it for now. Nothing profound. Just stating the facts.

Finally here

I've been traveling for more than 14 hours now. I'm exhausted.


And excited! Oi! Bem-vindo!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Well, here I am.

It's been a tumultuous 5 days, but I'm finally able to just sit down and express. It's interesting really. The rest of my team is a few isles over carrying about in their random riff-raff. I'm against a column patiently waiting for our flight to leave for San Paolo. I guess this kind of encapsulates me in a sense. I've always been the "off" one.

Lately, I've been pretty sad. Nothing particularly dramatic has happened. But, I think that a lot of my emotions are due to the fact that I place seemingly unattainable expectations on people. Not that I demand that my friends be this way or that way; it's simply that I expect my friends to act in a manner that reflects how I may treat them.

Kristy has been a sterling example of this.

The understanding is that I am one of her most cherished friends. The valuation is likewise. However the tension lies in the expectations. I, for one reason or another, have fallen head over heels for this woman. Knowing this, it has caused her to not act like herself. As a result stupid stuff seems to happen. Like her giving me the distinguished title of "most awkward person that I know" on my birthday of all days. And the small little arguments that we end up getting into for no reason at all. Sometimes I wish I could say to her "you know...how would you feel if I treated you the way that you treat me?" but it's kind of like taboo to say those things. And it sucks. Because it feels like I'm the one at fault for expecting more out of the friendship than she has. But shouldn't I expect great things from my friends?

Then there's additional tension between friends who expect so much from me. I try to be the most loyal and great friend to each and every person I truly consider close, but sometimes it can be rather fatiguing. I just wish some people would understand that as great as they think I am, I'm not superman. And it is likely that I will fail them at some point in the future.

This doesn't even include how easy it is for me to get hurt by Glorie again. I've tried to initiate small conversations but that has been hard as well. It's like her life has been in motion for so long and I've long missed my window to be a part of it. Which truly saddens me. Because I would do everything possible to slow my life if it meant it would be for her benefit. Alas, I think I'm beginning to understand that Glorie just doesn't see me the way I view her. Because it doesn't matter that all this BS happened between us in the past. I still choose to view her as Glorie. Even though I'm clearly not fred to her anymore.




Gotta jet! We're boarding.

Don't fret!

There shall be a true post soon.

There's a few items on my plate that I've been delicately juggling and I'm...managing. Said items include, but are not limited to,

- Brazil in 9 days? Holy mother of grail.

- 6 appointments in 4 hours. Beat that hot shot.

- Undeniable vs unexplainable.

- She said I was easily the best at making people around me incredibly uncomfortable.

- Praise didn't say happy birthday to me. Not a requirement...no. But noticeably omitted. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she had no desire. Maybe she wasn't allowed? Maybe she was unsure. Whatever the case I definitely noticed. And, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (perhaps foolishly).

- Obama isn't the devil people. And His decisions aren't signs of an upcoming apocalypse. True leadership comes from recognition that there's a greater Leader. Honestly, it starts with that principle understanding.

- I miss Glorie.

- They have me serving almost every weekend between NP and BC. I suppose burnout will come at some point.

- Influence comes with respect. Respect comes with authority. Authority starts with servanthood. That's the way.

- oh snapz!!!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday one of my small group members asked me a question.

"I was going to get you a game but I didn't know if you'd play it. Seriously, what do you want for your birthday?"
"Honestly you don't have to get me anything."
"There's nothing that you want?"
"I want mostly intangible things."
"Like what?"
"...I'd love a reconciled relationship with Glorieanne. That's a great starting point."




Yeah. Still very much there. 2 years after the fact even.

Not to say that there hasn't been any progress; because there have been hints of what "could be."

But I want my best friend back. That would be awesome.

3:52 AM

I won money playing poker.

more than 3 times what I put in even.



Yet all I kept thinking about was her.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't get it at all.

Here I am as excited as anything about our day together. It was supposed to be splendid. The goal was to meet up early so that we can begin "study day." Then we would go our separate ways to go fulfill our various commitments.

But, as things often do in my world, events didn't naturally transpire the way that I envisioned them to in my head.

In my anxious state, I woke up bright and early this morning to start my journey to the local library. I thought I would be thoughtful and grab a nice little bite for my friend (oh, yes I'm talking about Kristy) since it was likely hunger would surface at some point during the day.

As I'm sitting and eating my breakfast, she calls. She had clearly just woken up and had spent all last night making music. I thought that was really cool. But it dawned upon me that she probably wouldn't even be in the atlanta area for another 2 hours. "It's cool. I'll just roll with it." became the sentiment.

Somewhere along the way in the 4 hours I was studying myself (which was brutal btw), I started to consider the fact that perhaps I was more enthralled about our day than she was. She finally arrived and let me know that she got carried away playing with her niece and nephew.



This is all to say that, for the 4 hours we've been studying now, it's slowly starting to dawn on me that it's likely that I'm putting more into the friendship than she is. Today in particular she seems very easily irritable. Like she was simply hanging out with me to fulfill some obligatory need.

But who wants a friend like that?

Oh well. I suppose I'll do what I always do and just keep serving her the best that I can. A lot of my friends have said that I'm wasting my time...but I truly digress. I'm not going about hopelessly praying for some change in direction or something; but I have peace knowing that all of the investment that I'm making will stand distinguished forever and ever. If, for one fortuitous reason, God is able to plant a seed in her life through me then it will all be worth it.

I just wish I didn't like her so bad -_-

):

I feel like an idiot.

Big God in small earth

I took this photograph the other day.

There's nothing particularly creative or anything about the shot, but if you glance too quickly you'll miss what makes the picture so awesome. Did you see it? You know...God?

The shadow, whether one admits it or not, forms a smiley face on the headrest of my vehicle. The reason this is significant is that, paradoxically, God shows up BIG in the small places. I never thought about this until recently. And then the verse immediately came to me:

"11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a GENTLE WHISPER." 1 Kings 19

Look for God in the small places. You may even find Him smiling.

what what!

Passed my variables exam today. Talk about hip hop hooooooray!

That's 2 down 2 to go until I'm completely registered for your mutual funding pleasure (-;

the beauty of rejection

there's a funny way people can be when it comes to dismissing certain things.

Take my job for example. Today was NYL's "call-a-thon." All that really means is that we would go about our regular activities today with a specific focus on being on the phone to make more appointments. Only problem with me is that I've exhausted most of my friends who are actually willing to sit down with me. The other ones just say "we already have that covered" and don't even give me a chance to simply explain to them what it is that I'm doing in the first place. I mean c'mon. I'm not forcing a scorpion down anyone's throat; I simply ask for 20 mins and feedback at the end. Hasn't my friendship with [x] merited at least that? I suppose not.

So, this leads us to what I spent a considerable amount of time doing today--cold calling. I liken to compare cold calling to taking a shower in ice. Sure...you are technically more hygienic as a result but it's the most miserable process ever. So, more than 100 dials later, I still didn't make any appointments. Needless to say, "no" was the operative word of today. (as an aside, two of the people that I called passed away 2 years ago so that technically was a no--'twas just extremely awkward).

Then, to kind of put the cherry on top, my would be date for a particular wedding at the end of the month just informed me that they would not be able to join me in celebration. Now I normally wouldn't be bothered by this sort of thing (after all there was no obligatory contract signed or anything), but the timing of this response was just awful. I asked her well over 2 months ago if they would go ahead and put it on their calendar. The response was a tentative one, "ok I'll think about it but I have to see because I never know what will come up in my schedule." Fair enough.

January finally rolls around and still no answer. February rolls in and urgency starts to set in. I finally remind her wednesday.

"I'll let you know by Sunday."
"With respect, is there any way you can be for sure? Because my friend is making name tags and she wants to know who my +1 will be."
"I'll just have to see. I don't know yet."

Fittingly, tonight my friend calls to see if there had been a response with my indecisive prospect. I call said prospect.

"Oh I don't think I can go because I have to work."
"Well is there any way you can work half a day? Or can someone cover?"
"No because we opened up our new store and no one will be there to cover for me."
"...ok."


Now, this is particularly irritating, not because she said no to me, but because of the timing with which it was executed. I honestly couldn't care less that she said no, but at least have the courtesy to give me (and my friend for that matter) the time to make amends in lieu of the lack of commitment. It's not like she didn't know about it. I gave her 3 blasted months to plan ahead. If she knew that there was no way she could get out of work, perhaps that's something that would've been useful several weeks ago before the new shop was opened? It's just annoying. Why can't people be, at the very least, courteous?





then there are those rides home by yourself. Those quirky little God moments where He intervenes and casts light on one's own faults. And, although, in both of these instances I've clearly been treated with less respect than I deserve, it doesn't give me any right to complain about anything. In fact, I have no grounds to even begin contemplating how unfair the situation is. Rather, how profound would it be if I just embraced the whole thing just grateful for the opportunities?

Instead of complaining about how many people won't set appointments with me, just being grateful that I have a job (especially in light of the ever increasing layoffs).
Instead of complaining about how stupid someone acted in terms of their poor handling of an invitation, being joyful of the fact that I'm able to celebrate the union of a dear friend?


Perspective changes everything.

small groupin it

Tonight was quite an interesting night.

It was the first time my small group was going to meet completely. You see, previously there had only been about 5 of us in tandem. Considering that ideally all of us agreed that 8 would be a number worth shooting for, we (and by we I mean me) attended grouplink in an attempt to get new members. New members were indeed added and tonight was the night everyone met each other.

The night started jovially enough. Casual talk. Casual greetings. The like. But things got intently intense during a specific portion of the night.

I shared how I couldn't, for the life of me, understand how I was such a dummy for a particular girl named Kristy. I mean, there's nothing that is utterly indescribable about her, but yet somehow the relationship has been conditioned to the point where logic, at least on my end, is completely thrown out of the window.

The conversation invariably traveled to the point as to whether or not we should date. I, in infinite confliction, articulated the crux of the dilemma. Although it is evident that our chemistry is that of legendary standards, the singular glaring difference between us is our faith. There is no debate to be had on this topic. I'm simply much more focused on living a life for God than she is. This sets up what Christian people call being "unequally yoked."

This leads us to how the conversation went tonight. One of the new members talked about why it wouldn't be so bad to date her after all. I rebutted how a difference in faith means a difference in foundation from the very start (meaning bad, bad, bad). And, when it comes down to it, I should be in a posture to want to obey the bible. He didn't understand that concept. In his eyes, simply believing in God but not necessarily following the bible would be sufficient.

I don't think so.

Were that the case, perhaps it would be a wise idea to go about fornicating wildly until every fleshly pleasure gets satisfied. Or perhaps it would likewise be ideal to parade around in drunken revelry with utter disregard to how one should present themselves. After all, we would all still believe in God right?

The night ended with me simply stating that there are often times in my life where I am naturally inclined to go in one direction that is contradictory to the direction that the bible wants me to go. And it is at that time that it is most crucial for me to voluntarily choose the bible over me.

Because there is such thing as ultimate truth. And that, instead of my own will power to do whatever, is what my faith is vested in.

just a thought

I could probably glorify God 1,000,000x more with my life if I would just get out of my own way.

Saturday Night Thoughts

I went to a pretty weird church tonight.

Well, I use the term "weird" pretty loosely. This particular church was an Iglesia Ni Cristo (Church of Christ). I had never been to one of these but a friend from work invited me. I'm pretty solid in terms of what I believe already so I figured hey what's the harm?

It turned out to be quite the night.

I knew something was amiss immediately as I looked at the sanctuary. Everyone was solemnly facing forward. It was almost funeral like...sans a coffin in the front. Then I observed the curious way that guys were sitting on one side of the room and girls were sitting on the other. Then there was the fact that all of the staff was wearing different flavors of green. "Fred, don't judge a book by its cover." I thought as I politely found my seat.

We sang songs that I didn't know to begin with. The man next to me was delightful to say the least. As he sang with all of his heart, I couldn't help but notice him pronouncing the words in trademark taglish (that's tagalog-engligh I should say). His accent was incredibly joyous and I'm sure God soaked it all in. We prayed at the culmination of the singing session with which, ever so often, the congregation would unanimously respond by saying "yes, Father." Different...but still cool.

Eventually the speaking portion of the evening arrived. I notice immediately that the reverend neither introduced himself nor was introduced by a fellow member. He must be humble not to do that. But then the meat of the night was rather interesting (in a bad way).
The topic at hand was how to determine whether or not someone was a Christian and specifically how to obey God so that one can be prepared for the end times. Normally, I'm not that intimidated by eschatology, and this night proved no different. However, the more and more that the reverend started teaching, the less and less I agreed with him. Specifically there are three things that stood out as key misunderstandings.

1) They believe that the Trinity is man-made fabrication and that there is only one God (the Father). Specifically, the belief is that Jesus was nothing more than a sent man from God.

2) They believe that one cannot enter heaven through faith alone.

3) One specific statement that really got under my skin was that "if we are disobedient to God, we are the equivalent of trash to Him."


I was actually glad I went tonight. I think it's incredibly important for everyone to be challenged in what they believe. And, from a Christian perspective, if someone is talking about the bible, to be able to talk bible straight back to them and defend WHY it is you believe what you do. Although I didn't delve into much theological banter tonight, I left even more thankful for Jesus. And, while others may have disagreed with me, they knew I was solid where I stood. And it was great.

Oh, and not to mention several very attractive people in the room. d(^_^)b

Response?

I'm in a different place compared to where I was last time.

That day actually ended up pretty well. My peace came down to this: The appropriate response to everything that happens in life is worship.


It's pretty challenging and gratifying all at the same time.

footprint

Although I should be working right now, I have chosen to take time out to write here.

There has been a lot going on through my head. Often times I would want to write and write and write but I simply haven't. Naturally, there has developed a build up of colliding processes and random tangents that it's been particularly difficult to manage.

I feel like my life has compacted on me pretty badly. I used to be so quick to reflect. So eager to pause and consider. But now I'm finding that I just kind of let whatever happens happen.

This is unlike me. This vicarious "live and let live" mentality. Purpose is an incredible thing to have guide you through life. Yet, with it firmly to my side, I've been almost whimsical in using said tool. Tragic.

All in all I don't know what I'm going through. Spiritually, I'm still finding time to read my bible and pray regularly, but it feels like a "going through the motions" kind of lifestyle. Something is definitely off.

I wonder where my faith has gone. I used to have such confidence that God was HUGE. Now He's just (theoretically) big.

It's probably a culmination of a variety of different decisions and ends. Relationships that have gone awry, potential that has quickly faded, expectations that were never met, and this innate feeling of disappointment from other people counting on me.

Whatever.

Sunday Night Thoughts

11 days and I'm finally able to write on this thing again.

There's been a lot of my mind. A lot of things yet to come. And a lot of things that have already happened.

Lately, I've been reflecting on the past year. Simply trying to learn from my journey and apply beneficial principals moving forward. One concept I've found particularly noteworthy was that of judgment.

It's nothing new really. After all, I have thought and re-thought this same virtue over and over again. But, it doesn't necessarily have to be new in order for it to be something valuable. In this case, I have discovered that just hearing something again has been really refreshing.

This surfaced recently this year. I was on the phone, as I find myself doing from time to time, and started conversing. Eventually, dialogue shifted to a lot of stuff regarding "the drama" (this person is well aware of a lot of the stuff that happened). Essentially they summarized that perhaps I should reconsider my whole stance about how God was working in my heart because if that were the case, according to them, I would be a lot different by now.

I've never seen my anger fuse light faster than it did at that moment.

I don't know what happened, but them saying that infuriated me on a whole new level. I've never felt so judged in my life. They, in a span of just 5 minutes, tried to encapsulate my entire year just by making a few observations based on how I was acting at that moment. However I ended up pretty thankful because it surfaced many things.

1) There was plenty of truth to what they said. Not because their assertion was right in any way at all (I have been making progress mind you). But because if I were truly at peace with everything, I would never have been so easily angered over nothing at all. Hmph.

2) I am guilty of judging just as much as they are. They made assertions and premature conclusions about me; but I never considered that I do the exact same thing to them when I pretend to know exactly where they are in terms of their own process. Sure, it's likely that they are probably completely different place than me...but that doesn't mean that I know it all.

3) I have no right to point a finger at all. Not when there are so many that can be pointed back at me FIRST.




Humility again God? Haven't you taught me this before?

You are hilarious.

Who..me?

I'm not dead I promise.

I just can't portion my time properly. Lots of little life updates. Lots of big ones too.

But I want to be able to think them through.

With the quickness.



It'll just have to wait...for now.

12.30.08

It's been a year.

And I still have so much to learn.

The only thing I think I've wrapped my mind around is: God.

God in my laughing.
God in my weeping.
God in my bitterness.
God in my frustration.
God in my ecstasy.
God in my curiosity.
God in my dreaming.

Yes, all of those but more simple. The fact that God is, well, God.

The compelling thing about believing God, if He is who He claims Himself to be, is that He is the most faithful person in the entire world. As such, I have learned (and relearned) that there is no satisfaction or joy that comes apart from Him.

Much of my maligned faith this year has been from a wildly incorrect perception that I would all of a sudden be so much happier once "the situation" was finally resolved. In other words, once there was true reconciliation between me and the Santos family, I believed that there would be some glorious restoration between my joy and my life.

But I'm starting to believe that even if that were to happen, there still wouldn't be some surreal joy in my life.

No, that must come from the Joygiver in the first place. And, I've discovered that joy is not always easily found. In fact, it can be incredibly tumultuous just trying to procure it amidst the infinite darkness.

But it's there. And man is it worth it.

Friday Night Thoughts

Perhaps it's my exhaustion.
Maybe even my lack of sleep.
But I have the weirdest thoughts at 3:51 in the morning.

It's really a combination of a lot of drive homes. Those curious drives that usually take 20 mins or so when one leaves the variety of parties that hallmark this festive time of the year. Where a merry time was had by all and the only thing left is to arrive safely back at one's house. For the past three days, I have had several of these drives.

Each one I put the music on the lowest audible volume possible and just marinated in my thoughts. Nothing really forced (i.e. no focusing on anything), but just kind of "went with the flow." All three times I ended up thinking about what she was doing. That lead to me thinking about how much I miss her. And that lead to me reminding myself that she doesn't even care.

I'm kind of used to everything now. I think I understand the whole positioning so that everyone would just be "ok." And that I am the stubborn thorn who just won't go away. Oh well.

The desire is still so intense to just sit down and have a quality conversation with her. Nothing forced, nothing faked, just two people enjoying one another's life so purely. It's just too bad that my hope of that becoming a reality diminishes daily. What incentive does she have? She has her boyfriend and she has her family. What use would she have with a lingering ex boyfriend?

There is some peace however. Instead of just sulking the whole ride home, I actually started smiling somewhat. Somewhere along the way, I started to understand that it's not about how soon all of this stuff will "be over" or how soon these feelings will "go away." Rather, there's a surreal feeling that comes with discovering that maybe, just maybe, God is right and is doing something bigger than what I can wrap my puny little mind around.

Like changing my heart.

Sunday Night Thoughts

I'm feeling pretty contemplative.

At some point I walked around church today and simply asked rhetorically, "why?" Why do I do all this stuff anyway?

Why do I spend half of my day at church, getting there before the sun is even up, just so I can do something as menial as operate the camera for 3 services?
Why do I wake up early at all on sunday at the first place when perhaps I could spend that time recovering from a late night saturday binge?


Then things branched out to belief questions in general.

Why do I believe in God anyway?
Why do I follow Jesus?
Wouldn't it be easier to just kind of gravitate toward whatever is popular in culture?
Isn't it ok to simply go with "what feels right" and let everyone believe what they want?
And honestly, why is Christianity worth pursuing when a lot of people who claim to be Christians don't follow the instructions of Christ?



I stood in place and just kind of looked into the parking lot alone with my thoughts. Then, as I looked at all the cars and into the horizon where the sun was conveniently above the trees I settled upon something that was curiously sweet. And it didn't completely resolve until I was back in the director's suite watching video that I had a more profound appreciation from what I believe was something Holy Spirit given.

It is my choice to follow Jesus. Specifically, it is my choice to completely surrender my life (and what I think is in my best interest) to Him and what He knows my best interest to be. But the natural question asked will be, "well how do you know that Jesus knows? How do you know He's even real at all? Is He really worth following?"

And that, in my opinion, is the empirical question of faith. Because even if Jesus isn't, then the question will still beg to be answered. And accordingly, that is what one's life will count toward. So then it will become a question of what one's life is worth devoting to.

For me, I believe with my entire being that Jesus is true life because every time I focus and truly pursue "walking" with Him, I live in the most serene feeling of peace I've ever experienced in my entire life. Further, there's an intense joy that comes with it that is greater than any sort of drunken, intoxicated pleasure I've explored in this life.

Make note, this does not guarantee that being a Christian entails some sort of stress free lifestyle. Quite the opposite in fact. In many ways, being a Christian only complicates things because the standard that everyone is supposed to live up to is so exacting that it can become incredibly daunting. Case in point--some of the most incredibly hypocritical words I've ever heard in my life came from people I know to be Christians.

But the truth, as I discovered today, is that my entire hope is fixated on Jesus. If He isn't worth it and He isn't who He says He is, then I'm the biggest dummy in the whole wide world. But I'm serious in believing that God is who He says He is. And further, I am who He says I am.

And that's what makes the difference.

ps

Sometimes I have to convince myself that it'll all be worth it.

So that was the reason why

Ever since last year, I made it intentional to stop frequenting facebook so often.

Originally, it was just because I didn't want to waste a lot of time on the internet and stuff (this is also why I don't go on youtube all that often). I realized pretty early that I would mindlessly drone around just clicking people's pages and filling up my time doing stuff like that. So I thought it would be wise to cut that out. Eventually, a lot of the drama from last year happened, so it became even easier to make the transition to stop visiting FB because so many friends/everything would remind me of her. That would invariably lead back to reflection on the situation then a lot of brain hurting would ensue thereafter.

Tonight marks the first time I've gone on the site in more than a month. I did it to be somewhat polite. There were a bunch of people doing friend requests and all this jazz so it's kind of improper etiquette to not respond to those things. But, just like I remembered, something naturally led to her.

And it sucked.

I tried keeping my thoughts captive and really focusing on keeping a grateful heart. It seems as if she is pretty happy now and everyone I know is happy along with her. I'm happy for them. Perhaps Mr. E can prevail where I and prince charming failed. She certainly seemed happy enough.

Although I really can't discount the fact that, more than her, I started missing a lot of related people. Like the sister. I think she texted me the other day (pretty sure cause it reeked of praise-isms) but didn't know to be sure. I miss all of them so much.

Alas, I suppose that it's my place, at least for right now, to continue to play my support role. If the best thing that I can do is pray then I will continue to pray. If my faith is contingent on waiting for God's timing, then I'm complain the whole time I'm waiting. And the moment never comes when true restoration arrives, then I still won't consider any of it for loss.

Because love isn't a loss.

24 hours

Some dust has settled.

So here are the observations:

- Apparently "it wouldn't work." Part of that is because I don't drink and she does. What lame sauce.

- I don't need it to work. Honestly.

- Maybe I just want it to?

- She wants to be able to go clubbing and wouldn't feel comfortable around me. I guess I saw this coming; I never was into violence.

- All things considered, there's so much about me that is likable compared to that which is not.


Someday (soon perhaps) I will be able to look at this and be genuinely thankful. I'm not quite there at this moment just because I'm still bummed. However, the faith has been that God has my best interest in mind. Therefore, although it is a natural inclination to doubt and to really question whether or not what I believe is true, I believe nonetheless.

And that's what makes the difference.

Sunday Night Thoughts

Well, it's been awhile hasn't it?

A lot of that has been intentional. Other parts of it hasn't. Either way, I've learned to internalize a little bit more.

Nothing really to share. I finally had "the conversation" tonight with Kristy. It was pretty awkward. We had FK fun day with Phil as a sidekick. Although attending church together didn't quite make it, we were able to have a pretty rockin' day.

The falcons game was a must of course. And it was such a tremendous game to be in attendance for in the first place. Let's just say that it's always good to win a game in overtime!

Then the three of us went and did dialogue in the dark. That in and of itself was pretty incredible. It was basically a very intricate exhibit detailing how it would be like to live if one were blind. Although it lasted only an hour, it was so awesome that I'll probably reflect upon it in greater detail at some point.

Then, inevitably, the conversation happened. We agreed that the really amazing friendship that has developed is something that is truly precious in both of our eyes. But the problem is that one person liked the other. And the other person didn't reciprocate those feelings. And emotions jazz everything up (good and bad).

Oh well.

Rejection specialist

One of the unique aspects of this job is the "no" factor.

In other words, 90% of the time I will hear the word "no" from anyone that I speak with. It doesn't matter if I'm telling people about how I can cure cancer; if I inquire as to when it would be a good time to sit down with someone, 90 out of 100 times I will hear the word "no." In my case, I hear the word "no" 99 out of 100 times. It's hilarious really.

This morning was particularly entertaining. I did my regular talk about how I wanted to help business owners and then positioned myself as a financial resource for their company. After I asked when a good time to meet was, our conversation went along these lines:

"I would never do business with a scam artist fake financial advisor from an insurance company."
"May I ask why not? Because you clearly may have had a bad experience that I..."
"Well I think you're stupid. How about that?"

*click*


It kinda makes it a little bit easier for when I hear no from other people not related to business.

Listen and Learn

Premise I'm currently wrestling with?
You can't hear from God if you aren't in a position to hear from God.



Man :(

Sunday Morning Thoughts

There's something that's been slowly processing in my mind for the past few days.

It's not something particularly hilarious or profound in nature, but just a simple little thought that I did not fully reflect upon. This "thought", I evaluated, was something that was out of my reach in terms of control. Yet there has been much reform in my heart and I now realize just how wise it would have been had I looked into things with more intent.

It has been stressed to me recently how my "thoughts" have had tremendous potential to influence other people. Initially I thought that this assertion was unfounded. After all, if someone were to survey my thoughts, why would they put any extra weight over what I have to say compared to someone (perhaps) more credible? It would be the equivalent of reading the op-ed in a newspaper and considering it equally justified as CNN. It just doesn't make any sense.

However, as I've been slowly, and prayerfully, thinking about the (gasp!) possibility that I have been wrong, I immediately started seeing some truth to the previously unfounded assertion. The fact that some people consider what I have to say speaks to them placing some sort of value on my perspective. Whether or not that value is negative or positive is another matter entirely, but it is an aspect of my "thoughts" that I must take into consideration.

Because, again, there is potential for influence.

Biblically, this is no surprise. James speaks passionately about always being mindful of one's mouth. He makes the parallel that the tongue is the equivalent of a small spark capable of inciting the most intense of fires. Paul makes similar conclusions in several of his letters (Ephesians 4, Philippians 4). And frankly, this is a thought that I've delved deeply into already. So, again, this is nothing new.

In light of this, I've realized a few things.
I do not necessarily ask for any attention paid to me--but, there are some who are quite attentive.
I cannot control how I am interpreted or understood--but, I should be mindful of the fact that some people may be listening.
I think out loud for benefits most considerably received by me--but I should be cognizant of the truth that those benefits may affect other people entirely.

Twilight Thinking

It's the end of the night.

I've had plenty of conversations today. From clients scattered throughout the day to buzzed coworkers at our holiday party. There's been much absorbed. But it's the one that keeps me up.

Although I feel like writing every single thing that comes to mind right now, I don't think that that would be an appropriate course of action. I simply haven't given any of it enough thought and prayerful consideration.

Nevertheless, there has been one resounding message that keeps reverberating over and over.

The inevitable will happen when someone will wrong you. Before one can even consider approaching the wrongdoer, it is appropriate to first consider any faults that the "victim" first has themselves. Although this is a biblical principle (Matthew 7), it would be wise to learn this even if one is not of the Faith. Is correction not better received in love than in condemnation?

The only way a heart is won over is through unconditional love.

Focus.

Many thoughts = little focus. So...focus.


- 1 Chronicles 29:10-11

- Proverbs 4:23

- Brazil?

- 70k FYC. 13k FG.

- very scared about tomorrow's conversation.

- Romans 11.



Help me embrace whatever You throw at me God.
Examine my heart. Make it like Yours.
Help me see where I need reform.
And likewise those who may benefit from self-examination.

Then, perhaps we can all benefit from Community.

Friday Night Thoughts

I've had over a day to sit and kind of marinade with everything.

It originally began about two weeks ago. She was noticeably guarded when she talked about everything. The conclusion was easy to draw: either she didn't trust me with the simplest of information or she was intentionally denying me information. Either way it marked a difference in the relationship.

I started to think, though, why Kat Kat wouldn't tell me about anything. It's not that she is obligated to by any means. No...I'm not required an explanation or a notice. However, I feel personally betrayed because my trust in her was such that I thought she would be one that was extremely loyal to me. Id est, I always believed that she would be one of the ones looking out for my best interest.

Naturally I sent Kat Kat a text message. It was semi inquisitive and semi taking a shot at her (basically very cynical tone all the way around). The response was that she was never sure that she was going anyway and that it was kind of a last minute thing. Fast forward two weeks and the exact same scenario occurs. Same text message gets sent but now the response was more along the lines of "well I didn't think I needed to tell you and we were just planning on it but never sure."

The reason this whole ordeal has been upsetting to me is because it gives insight to what could be a very tragic situation. My intent, both times, was simply to be able to pass something along to Glorieanne in a very personal way. After all, I'm in the business of relationship building here and this is one that is of particular importance to me. Therefore, every single chance I have to improve upon the situation is an opportunity that I will not hesitate to pursue.

All of this said, I am in full realization that the world doesn't revolve around me. Kat Kat is in no way my own personal mail carrier. Nor is she my personal arbitrator between Glorie and me. She very much lives her own life that is 100% independent of mine.

However, she does know just how special Glorie is to me. And she would know completely joyful I would be if there were but a message I could pass along to Glow via Kat Kat. And, being one of my better friends and (much more) a sister Believer, it was my expectation that she would provide some consideration for my behalf in that regard.

Yet I suppose my expectations were just set too high.

The truth ended up being that one of Kat Kat's friends has an interest in Glorieanne. An interest that is very much reciprocated.

This isn't altogether a bad thing. But it does provide a platform to show where Kat Kat's alliances were. Would it be for me? Or would it be for her husband's best friend? Soon enough a lot of cliche rhetoric will follow. How no one was trying to facilitate anything and that "things just started happening" or some BS along those lines.

But when it comes down to it, the fact is that Glorie is very much into Mr. Kat Kat's best friend; and that's the the interest that Kat Kat decided to protect. After all, the fact that he was accompanying the both of them on both occasions gave some incentive to withhold that precious piece of information from me. It would have been so valuable if Kat Kat had gone the extra measure of saying something as simple as, "Fred...you're my friend and because I value your friendship I just want to be honest with you. Even though things aren't final yet I may go down to see Glorie." Something along those lines.

Alas, what position am I in to even be considered? I will be looked at as the jealous ex boyfriend (again) and the vision I have for restoration will diminish little by little (again). At least Glorie was forward with me.

I guess this is just another batch of wonder to add to the pile of tension that I'm trying to remove. I just never thought one of my better friends would be among those who would contribute to it.

back later

Unfortunately I can't say that I spent my day being as reflective and thankful as I thought I should be.

In fact, one of the major highlights of my day was getting beat pretty badly by my cousins in poker. Sure it cost me $20 overall, but I really got to spend some time with some of the cousins that I barely spend time with in the first place. And, for the first time in my life, I think that my mom's side of the family is a lot closer than my dad's side. That has never been the case but it is right now.

I'd like to say that I stayed focused today, but I didn't.
I just can't help but wonder about the future.


Yet, I still have hope.

Exhort I say!

Not much time now but I should revisit this at some point tonight.

But, I have but one big thing on my mind.

Lord, who have I but You?
I don't know how You're going to get glory out of this, but I know You will.
Because that's the God that I serve.

I humbly accept that I can't out intellectualize you my Father.
I understand that things aren't going to go my way all the time.

Yet, if You could just let me know that You're here, it would make all the difference in the world.
Help me see the things with which I should be grateful for.
Even if my near-sightedness causes me to focus on the temporary things of this life.

Because emotions are fickle.
And You are everlasting.

In You, my God and my friend, do I find my peace.

Saturday Night Thoughts

I had the most interesting phone call the other night.

My phone displayed the call id - "Need a Bandaid?" when I quickly realized I hadn't talked to Sil in quite sometime. To my surprise she was crying pretty badly. I immediately dropped everything I was doing and listened intently.

It was pretty clear that they just finished a pretty serious argument. And here I was seeing first hand the fallout as a result. I wanted to badly to just hug her. Let her know how dearly loved she is. Cause at that moment it can easily feel like life is hopeless.

She asked me to pray for her and after I finished things still seemed the same. She felt kind of awkward and ended up letting me go. I tried to persist in staying with her (it felt like the least I could do to support her) but she wanted to go. Before she did, I ended up telling her that I loved her. It was kind of weird. I don't really enjoy throwing that out there but I felt so compelled to tell her for some reason. Not because I was trying to charm my way into her pants, but because I had such an urgent need to let her know how dear she was and just how precious she really is (even if it didn't feel like it at the time). To my surprise, she told me she loved me back. It was kind of neat.

Thinking about it now, this whole situation really showcases just how badly I hate broken relationships. I hate it with a passion. It messes everything up and it ends up leaving so much debris. It affects multiple parties. It's effects are long lasting. It's horrible all around. In fact, it may be the only thing that God and I see eye-to-eye on in terms of disdain. If anyone questions the validity of this, I surely hope I have the pleasure of talking with them sometime. One need look no further than my life to see the very damaging ramifications of broken relationships.

And now here was one of my friends going through a similar pain. It felt awful. It's as if my heart was breaking alongside hers. Which is why all I wanted to do was just give her a big hug and let her know I was there. Cause often times that's all I wanted when I was hurting so badly. And instead all I got was people pointing fingers at me and telling me how wrong I was for doing various things. Which is why so many people naturally gravitate toward Jesus. He, more than anyone, had every right to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were and how justified He was.

Yet, in endless grace, He chose to give us a great big hug.

The cycle of faith

Two steps forward. One step back.

There's still a lot of unrest.
There's still plenty of "should have" and "why didn't you" that are unanswered.
It's still messy and at times I think I'm the only one who still has a broom in hand.

But the tranquility is growing and the serenity is louder.

I have (re)discovered that, regardless of who was "right" or "wrong" everything that has happened has happened. That is, God has allowed this situation to conceive, intensify, and blow up with scintillating precision. Translation: there is method to His madness and order to the wisdom.

I miss Glorie.
I miss Glorie a lot. All of the arguments that we have entered into recently have only intensified that feeling. In other words, it only highlights how much I desire for our friendship to be restored.

But, it's entirely plausible to believe that our friendship may...never be restored. And I hate that I have to face up to that reality. I want Glorie to be a part of my life. I want her to be a great part of my life. But she has to want the same thing and it doesn't feel like she does.

In this delicate balance, I've lost sight of the fact that there are a number of people He has surrounded me with who are great parts of my life (and want me to be a great part of theirs). They may not have the same indescribable bond that Glorie and I have, but they are nonetheless equally as valuable. In my tunnel vision of focusing on my dear glorieanne, I inadvertently missed out on the people trying to help me.

The only piece left was why exactly God would allow it such that such a wonderful part of my life is now such a confusing one. And I still don't have an answer to that question. But that's ok. Cause I do have historical evidence that, regardless of reason, He has my best interest in mind. All I really have to do is trust that this situation is no different.

Which, I suppose, is what faith really is in the first place.

The other side of drama

I had a pretty bad day today.

I couldn't shake it off of me. I was completely saddened by yesterday. I cried last night (haven't done that in a few months) and woke up feeling horrible.

I tried staying focused but nothing ever really happened. During my phone sessions today I would call people up then literally pause just cause my mind was so preoccupied and just repeat the process over again.

Then I started beating myself up just cause I'm letting myself get so preoccupied with my small stuff. In other words, I'm out of focus because I'm not leveraging this to be a faith builder. Then I just got confused.



But eventually I came across something that gave me some peace (Matt 6): God knows.

At the very end of the day, God knows precisely what I'm going through. And that helps me.

feelin' like akljdhsgl

Frustration. It's really unreal how bad it can get sometimes.

I was finally able to talk with Glorie after playing tag with her for the past 4 days. We began our usual dance routine but I am pretty scared about where it's headed next.

It started when I simply asked what she did for her birthday. She simply replied that she hung out with her friends. I dug further (as I would have, mind you, with any of my other friends) when she remained insistent on not telling me which friends she hung out with. I persisted further only to get declined again.

Naturally, awkward silence ensued. She was clearly guarding something and I didn't really want it to be a bother...but the fact is that her intentionally keeping that info from me was marking just where the relationship stood. She wasn't telling me for a specific purpose. In other words, had things been "normal" between us, she would have had no problem at all telling me (like how things have always been). But, as reality harshly points out, we aren't...normal.

Turns out that kat kat was the one she ended up going out with. And the reason she was withholding that info from me was because she didn't want me to get all weird and stuff because I couldn't come down to see her. Of course it probably didn't help that the first thing out of my mouth was, "no I can kind of tell when I'm not wanted." which was much to her disapproval. I didn't say that to be spiteful though. I was just raw with how I saw the situation. If we had to distill it, she and her family would have rather not had me there than enjoy my presence. It's the truth. I just didn't say it in the politically correct way.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone down even if I had known kat kat's plans. It seems obvious that it would have been unwise and simply not in the best interest of the entire friendship that needs rebuilding. I just wish kat kat would've told me; not because she needs my permission or anything but so that I could have perhaps sent a personal note or something to be hand delivered. But, as I look at it in hindsight, I suppose they were just going through preventative measures to keep tension at a minimum. But then again...that doesn't make any sense. The best remedy against tension is transparency. Blah.

The end result was the same though (sadly). The only thing different here was that I discovered a little bit more just how low Glorie views me. I mean she can't even share with me the people whom she joyfully enjoyed her birthday with. And we ended up leaving with a little bit more uneasyness than we started the day with. She says she doesn't like talking to me cause I always get sad about something. I always get sad about something cause I always discover another way with which she doesn't view me as any ordinary friend anymore. It's a depressing cycle.

I hope and pray desperately for a breakthrough. I'm trying my best. But she may just run out of patience.

I didn't fail!

and I didn't pass either.


That's right. I didn't even take the test.
In other words, I took $90 and gave it to the state of Georgia for free.


sexy.

2 hours

I'm really nervous. I don't get nervous.

I don't know if I'll pass. I always pass.

I'm uncertain. I'm always confident.


focus...?

next?

I recently had a conversation with Glorie that proved rather insightful.

A few weeks ago, when I first discovered the posture of my heart (in all its ugliness), I called her simply to let her know the crazy stuff God was up to. I didn't really have subtle intent behind it all; rather, just an uncomplicated phone call to notify my "under construction" sign going up. She reacted in her normal sort of way. "Oh really? That's cool."

In fairness, she genuinely was happy that I was on a track for change, but nothing worth going crazy over. So, I started calling her and tried talking like I would any one of my normal friends. No bringing up the past. No intent of directing the conversation one way or another. Just simple, let the conversations lead where it may kinda stuff. The only problem is that she had become a fairly hard person to contact. We played phone tag for quite some time. Which leads us to our most recent conversation.

We started with the requisite small talk and then hit the awkward silence portion of the evening. It was horrible. It was one of those conversations that was actually an interrogation. I kept trying to be open and be as natural as possible but, for one reason or another, conversation was not to be had. In other words, it was just one person talking and the other answering. Discouraging to say the least. I told her how awkward it was making me feel. That's when she finally shared her perspective with me.

The general sentiment was that she felt it would not be appropriate for us to talk everyday. Instead, weekly would be a more fitting time interval. This was not altogether surprising to me. I mean that's to be expected from many of my friends. But it's the support that came afterward that was really hard to hear.

Essentially, her words distilled into one general message: "You have to deal with your past before we can talk." Obviously she didn't quite put it so plainly, but it was very much the signal she was sending. The logic is, according to her, that even though we may voluntarily choose not to bring up the past it will continue to be an issue until I address it.

There is some truth to what she's getting at. It will be an issue until God can move me to a place of complete forgiveness. However, does that mean that our friendship has to be mutually exclusive until that point? In other words, is it necessary for us to not talk simply because I haven't "dealt" with this pain?

I suppose it's only fitting for her/them to hold a position like that. After all, I was the one demanding for contrition before I allowed for the rebuilding of the friendship so this must be what it feels like to taste my own medicine. The only difference here is that I thought there would be at least a modicum of happiness for me when my mind finally "got around" to realizing that perhaps I was wrong. I know that I would've been jumping for joy if they ever stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, some of the decisions that they made were not the most wise.

In all honesty, I wonder if all of this stuff is worth it. I thought Glorie and I would be able to enjoy deep friendship again at some point because we both would be able to feel that unique place that the other used to hold in their life. But, if our last conversation was any indication, she could care less whether or not we're friends. She sure doesn't get happy when she talks with me (as I do with her).

Which...hurts me. Cause I get so incredibly happy when she calls me.

Heart monitor

I think it's time for my check up.

As it stands now, I can say with confidence that I believe I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not all the way where I want to be and there's definitely a lot more work that needs to be done. BUT, thankfully my heart is changing. Here's what has been happening in detail:

- With regard to all the "drama" that happened last year, my opinion is still pretty much in line. There are several key decisions made that, in my opinion, would have much benefitted from the wisdom and insight from objective wise council. This would have salvaged the relationship instead of allowing the destruction that resulted.

However, where I am completely different is in my expectation of the family. I discovered, thankfully, that it is absolutely wrong for me to carry myself the way that I have. For all the christianity I claim to hold to, what I failed to consider was the fact that all the virtues that I prioritize so highly must also be applicable to me. This seems obvious intellectually but it is another thing entirely when emotion is added to the mix.

All I really mean to say is this: Even if my sentiment is right regarding the way this situation has been handled, it does not give me the right to point a finger and dictate how someone should feel after the fact. The only result of my incorrect attitude has been an even more intense feeling of tension. And, well, friendships can't be built with tension in the air.

- After discovery, I immediately asked God to change the posture of my heart. So, as a result, my intent has changed. I still want her family to understand what they did. But it doesn't come from a bitter place anymore. It's not a "requirement" so to speak. Instead, it's more like how a friend desires for a friend to learn from their mistakes simply so they won't get hurt again (i.e. like how a parent wants their kid to understand why jumping off the kitchen table was a bad idea--not to rub it in their face how bad of a kid they are but because they don't want them getting hurt again). This has been a HUGE process. But, the end conclusion I kept coming to was that it is not my job to change people's hearts. My job is only to extend the same forgiveness that has been given to me. And, to be honest, that's hard to do to people who hurt you so much.

- So where do I go from here? I don't know.

That may seem a little trite, but it's the truth. I'm doing everything I can on my end to restore the friendship. This includes checking myself over and over again in contrast to Christ. And, I feel like there's much to work on. There's a lot of gunk buildup that has accumulated over the year. But, it's getting better and that's something worth celebrating.

I only hope that there is equal persistence and equal jubilation for me on the other end.

beware of mouth!

Scripture: "3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." James 3:3-6

Translation: Words have an incredible amount of potential to either edify or destroy. However, their propensity for destruction is 10x more dangerous than their ability to uplift. The reason being is that a few choice words can demolish what took years and years to build up. James is basically saying that it's just like a fire. What took years and a lot of time to build up a fire could take down in mere minutes. The same is true with the words that stem from our tongue.

Example: Build up a solid relationship with a particular family. Then various actions start damaging said friendship. The words that really broke everything down?
"We're simply doing what God wants us to do."

Application: Beware of your mouth.



Note: Being involved with the various damaging implications of ones mouth does not justify one for being bitter. Because James, in fact later in the chapter, talks about the value of heaven-stemming wisdom. And, the conclusion is found in 17 and 18: "Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor."

ok I'll give my two cents

I hope everyone was prepared for this.

It's not like it was going to be a big surprise that Obama would win. I just hope everyone keeps appropriate perspective. That is, realize this: All leadership is a stewardship--and leaders are held accountable. This would've been true even if McCain had won.

Personally, I'm not really sure what to think. I definitely have strong disagreements with Obama on certain key issues, but in the end my principal focus remains not on the president of the United States but rather the Savior of the Universe. And I don't say this in a glib sort of manner. Everyone plays the Christian card. But the truth of the matter is that God would still be doing just fine regardless of whom the winner would have been (and that's what makes or breaks my life).

It is my desire that for the next four years, Barack would place his trust not on the temporary position of power that he will assume, but on the Giver of all. In humility, I pray sincerely that Obama would truly value the importance of wise council (both political and spiritual). I hope that for all the high aspirations of reform that he has built his platform on, he would pause to consider, with every decision, the best question ever: in light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

Last, I hope that he stays focused and never loses sight of the fact that regardless of the result of his tenure in office, his worth will never diminish in the eyes of Christ. In other words, I hope he always draws hope from the fact that, although I anticipate him to try his very best while in office, regardless of outcome his standing will not be changed. Secure understanding of this truth is paramount to visioncasting for the next four years.




Oh and stupid Florida.

thinking.

It's a weird feeling every monday night.

The Living Room (ministry of my church) is great every monday. I really enjoy the environment they create to make God all the more approachable. I love helping out on the production team. Sure I do something as simple as putting words on the screen or moving some sliders to make pretty colors appear, but it's a job nonetheless. I even love helping clean up afterwards even though that means I effectively spend 4 hours every monday night committed to this thing.

Afterwards I feel incredibly awkward. It's when we finish up and everyone goes on their respective way. I get in my car after I say farewell to everyone and prepare for the 30 minute drive home. I'm pretty accustomed to riding in the car by myself; I mean I've even grown to thoroughly enjoy it some of the time. But it's a different experience each time and tonight was a lonely one.

I started calling a lot of people. After all, I didn't want someone to miss a quality opportunity to talk with fred since I had a long drive home. But person after person didn't pick up. Inevitably I ended up calling Glow. She picked up...only to say she'd call me back later. (She never called back).

Being the last person that I called, I started thinking about Glorie. And, well, all I can say is that I miss her. I spent probably 2/3 of the drive thinking about how we can start rebuilding our friendship. I'm eager to start. I don't really care about the whole drama (well I'm working on it I should say) but more than anything I just want to laugh with her again.

And just see her smile.

Dazed

The past few days have blitz me like none else.

I'm really starting to find my groove at work. I'm not doing anything spectacular. And I still haven't received a single paycheck. But at the very least I'm starting to find a rhythm with my appointments and I'm really starting to get to know everyone a lot better.

I come home really tired and wake up tired. It's kind of a lull. Maybe I'll start my coffee addiction at this point. I'm almost tempted to drink the stuff.

There's a neat thing about this job: delayed gratification. In fact, it's integral. The faith is that the enormous amount of work I'm putting in right now will pay dividends at a later point in time. It better. Cause my bills are starting to pile up.

NYL, quite simply, is dominating my life right now.



Oh and Kristy rubbed in my face how her Texas man was going to visit her this December. Lovely.

Monday Musings

I wonder what she's doing?

Friday Night Thoughts

There is one area that hasn't received any attention at all. Whatever happened to Ryan anyway?

When I received news that he and Glow were no longer an item, I felt pretty awkward. I was gloating in a sense because the end that I so hotly predicted was true, but at the same time I was very intentional about not being joyful in another person's misery.

I wrote him an email back in the day to try and address some of his negative sentiment toward me but only received a threat in return. I replied immediately and have yet to receive a response.

This is actually where I get kind of sad. I would have loved to have an intellectual conversation with Ryan about many of his feelings toward God. The moment I started inching toward that direction in any of our interactions, I'd only get transient responses to go on.

Which is not to say that I wouldn't delve into such things were the opportunity available today. I would. Our lives are very much intersected and I'm in it for the long haul.

In truth, I really don't hold anything against him. He was just doing what any person does and that's secure what they want. It certainly came at very costly expense, but all in all he acted the way any other non-christian would.

In contrast, this is precisely why I'm so bitter with how Glorie's family has acted this whole time. With non-christians, there's at least a reasonable out in that they, not being renewed in mind by the holy spirit, simply don't know how to act any better. But verse after verse commands us, as the community of Christ, to live in unity with another:

Ephesians 4:3
1 Corinthians 1:10
Romans 12:15-16
Philippians 2:4

But alas, anyone can spin the bible to support their argument. The simple distinction is this: they knew that their choices would be the destruction of our relationship. And they didn't care.

Whatever.

The ugly realization

Ok.

I've really had time to simmer down and examine my heart. Here are the results:

- As originally idealized, Kristy was right. The raw truth is that I probably haven't forgiven Glorie's family for what they have done to me.

- I do not want to remain at this place.

- The thing that bugs me the most is the horrible way being a Christian complicates all of this. If they were true in their faith, considering all the christianese that they talked up toward me (you know what that is...the whole "God is doing something bigger that we can't understand" thing) would have validated itself over time. But, in hindsight we discover that they didn't really mean anything they said to me and in fact demonstrated just the opposite.

On the other hand, if I'm as Christian as I profess, then I would have the maturity to look past the situation into the depth of the situation. In other words, can I love so purely that I receive nothing in return (which is exactly the way Christ loved us through the Cross).

- I want peace one way or the other. If they love me and care about me the way that it has been said they do, then I want them to be sorry for hurting someone they care/love. That would be such a simple demonstration of the very love they profess.

On the contrary, if they really like Ryan more than me, then I wish they'd say it to me straight up. Don't give me some BS about how they weren't choosing Ryan but maintaining a reality of Glorie's life. Just be transparent and say that they value him more than me. The ugly truth is still the truth.

- I'm quite comfortable with the fact that this is still very much an issue in my heart. Yes it has been over a year since this jazz has happened, but it's taking me a long time to heal for a reason. Either I'm a slow healer or there is a tremendous amount to heal. People can look down on me all they want for how long I'm taking, but only God knows what it's been like to be in my shoes with all the knives in my back.

- I'm very happy that I have identified this area of life as something that needs attention. It's very humbling to realize the depth of your depravity and only gives insight as to how much saving one really needs. In my case, I need a Savior small enough to hold my hand but big enough to hold the world.

- My prayer is that I would emerge from this ordeal not only able to truly forgive Glorie's family, but more than anything to be a more loving and forgiving person in general. I take this straight from Luke 7

"He who has been forgiven little loves little"

My hope is that this concept would be unmistakably real in my life.

update (pt 2)

This job is going to be harder than I thought.

(i.e. I made 150 cold calls today. Nevermind the fact that cold calling is akin to taking a shower in a bucket of ice, but I didn't get one single person who said yes to me having a meeting.)

I honestly believe that I can help everyone (and I can. Really.). But no one wants my help. Something is aloof here no?

Even some of my friends are starting to be wary of me calling them trying to schedule an appointment. I wish I could let them see that I'm not trying to be a salesman to them; rather, I want to make sure that they're ok.

In other words, I'd rather live with the fact that they think I'm a little annoying then live with the regret of having something detrimental happen and knowing I could've done something to help them be more prepared. All I want to do is show people what I do. Honestly.

Guess that's about it on the job front.


Oh, and Kristy is crazy about Texas guy. Go figure.

Thought for food

I've had a bunch of time to think about life.

My life to be honest. Specifically everything that Kristy said. The problem is that I'm not liking what I discovered. There's a lot of ugly stuff just welled up inside of me. It's horrible.

The honest truth is that I'm still pretty hurt at everything. I could go on reexplaining everything but it wouldn't really do anything. The simple truth is that they don't really care that they hurt me. It's that simple.

Then, talking with Kristy tonight, it couldn't be any more clear how crazy she is about this other guy. I hope she's happy with him. And I especially hope that he deserves her. Kristy is a pretty incredible woman and she better not settle for anybody.

Thankfully, I can say tonight that I'm a little bit more peaceful. In the living room tonight we discussed a passage in Colossians 2. Paul basically makes the assertion that if we, "Christians", really are rooted in Christ the way we like to appear that we are, one of the natural overflows of that truth is that we would be overflowing with thankfulness. In other words, people who are really like Jesus are the most grateful people on earth.

I haven't been thankful in awhile.

But then again, I'm always learning. Perhaps this is no different. My goal is to simply be more thankful and maintain a bigger perspective. I hope to be more thankful. And I hope that it's a real gratefulness as well. Not one of those glib (oh yeah praise Jesus) but one of those things that are so flippin inspirational that you start to get curious how someone can be developed in such a way.

And it starts with being thankful for all the hurt that happened to me.

Friday Night Thoughts

What a day.

I didn't sleep last night. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to "study" the whole morning in preparation for my test. What ended up happening was that I got to the testing center exhausted. I then thought it would be a fantastic idea to buy a rockstar mocha energy drink. Perhaps it would give me the boost I needed only this morning. So, it's only fitting that. . .

I failed the test.

I was bummed for the majority of the day. I'm not an idiot and I was certainly capable of passing this test. But, I set myself up for failure with my fatigue and poor time management. Looking back, I see it as a way of God slowly humbling me and giving that gentle little reminder that He gives and takes away. Oh well.

Then I ended up talking with Kristy more. I really love talking to that woman. We only spent like an hour on the phone today but it was cool. I discovered that she's pretty crazy about this other guy. It kind of hurt when I heard it. I want her to like me. I want her to be perpetually curious about me the way I am with her. But it seems evident that things aren't working out that way. This is no big loss. After all, we're still very much close friends which is something that I'm still very grateful for.

Part of this was confirmed when I talked with her today. I talked about Glorie since she talked about her crush. She's familiar with the situation and thus I asked for her advice. The results were staggering. It went something like this:

"Well what do you think I should do?"
"I dunno. How long are you going to let it bother you?"
"I don't know. I just want them to be sorry for hurting me you know?"
"I know. They shouldn't have hurt you. But it's pretty obvious they're not going to be sorry anytime soon. It's up to you to make a choice as to what you'll do in this situation. You can either move on and forgive them or let this eat you up. It's your choice."
"I have forgiven them. I just wish there was a part of them that was sorry."
"If you've forgiven them this wouldn't be bothering you so much. Why don't you just forgive them? Isn't that something that you're big into?"
"Yes."
"Well it doesn't seem like it."
*no response*


What if she's right? Here comes this girl, who is just starting to delve into a full relationship with Christ, dropping a theological bomb on me. It felt like a spiritual kick in the nuts.

Have a truly forgiven Glorie's family?

If Kristy can smell it and identify it so clearly, something must be amiss. The problem is, I want so badly for there to be retribution for all the hurt done to me. Not necessarily an execution of judgment, but moreso a contrite heart and genuine remorse. The question then becomes, "do I need those things in order to forgive (i.e. "move on")?" What a freaking thought.

God, thank you for Kristy.

Update

- I rocked my presentation today. Well not really. I'd say I got a rock solid B. But it's profound enough to say that I was aiming for the A all the way.

- I take my LAS test in 3.5 hours. The last time I took the practice test I failed. If I don't pass this I can't go very far in this job.

- James 1:22 "do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves--do what it says"

- I don't do what the word says.

- I wish I could just push some button that would make it better between Glorie and I.

- Plenty of other background noise in my life that are meaningful but not eternal.


Above everything that's going on in my life, I'm discovering this baseline peace. It's not some zen meditative state that I suddenly arrive at. Rather, it's just a completely transformed thought process that above it all I'll be ok.

In other words, even if I failed my test tomorrow, even if things don't work out between Glorie and me, even if I fail at my new job, even if I screw up and sin some more, it won't have any bearing on my eternal identity of being a child of God. That's an incredibly powerful place to be once your mind wraps around it.

thinking tuesdays

The management team at NYL is getting pretty frustrated with our group.

It's kind of funny when you think about it. I imagine it's akin to when someone joins any sort of group initiation environment. It's easy to compare/contrast previous groups with the current one. I feel we're among the worst regimen ever to enter. It's ok though. I feel like I'll prove my worth when it's all said and done. I've always loved the fact that I'm a late bloomer anyway.

In other semi-frustrating news, I hit a really rough spot tonight. I finished watching House and tried studying all the stuff we're required to know for the new job. At some point, when my head started to hurt, I decided to take a "break."

Bad idea.

I walked around and just let thoughts come to me in a whimsical fashion. This inevitably led to Glorie and man did it hit me bad. I tried thinking of Kristy just to thwart my brain but it was a losing effort. I got kind of angry at some point.

There was email correspondence that had been taking place but it stopped abruptly. The problem is that I had some pretty critical questions for her/her family in my last email which have never been answered. It's not too late for them to respond, but as each day goes by the urgency will go down and thus the greater the probability that these questions will never be answered.

Oh well. It really boils back down to the crux of the matter that I proposed from the very beginning. If they could do it all over again, would they change anything? If they wouldn't change what they did to me (and to use their words "we're not sorry for what we did cause we didn't do anything wrong") then I think it would give me a tremendous amount of closure to actually hear it. Then I'll know that they slammed the door shut with a resounding thud.

Tonight was different in that I wondered why they said those things to me. I thought about what would happen if my parents found out they held to that precise position (remember, at this point my parents are under the impression that they're sorry for everything that they did). I really wonder what would happen if her family said to mine, "we're not sorry for anything we did to Fred because we didn't do anything wrong." Obviously this hypothetical would never happen, but the irony is that this precise sentiment is a driving factor as to why we aren't friends.

All of this is to say that I got pretty frustrated. I didn't even know why I was consuming myself with such thoughts. But, I suppose this is what's still on my mind. I can't believe how incredibly deep this relationship went in my life. And, if I had to be honest, I guess that I'm pretty hurt that the same wasn't true for my counterpart(s).

Lord, give me clarity in viewing this situation from your eyes and fresh perspective to consider aspects I have yet to ponder. More than anything, help me respond in a way that's righteous but loving; I want to respond the same way You responded to me when I broke our relationship. Leverage this event for Your glory such that I can proudly showcase how You grow Your kid's faith if we only let You.

residual thoughts

Today was pretty difficult.

I found it so hard to focus today. It probably didn't help that the lecturer today had the driest, most monotonous voice out of everyone in the office. The nail in the coffin was naturally my boredom.

The reason any of this is noteworthy is because I ended up thinking about Glorie a lot. Something reminded me of her eyes. Holding her face and smiling at her as she gleefully looked into the eyes of her love.

Things between me and the crush have cooled down considerably and naturally she really is no contest compared to Glorie. It sucks so bad. I wanted to call her today and just have a conversation like we used to. I was staring at my phone just waiting to press send but I knew I couldn't.

I miss her so much. And it's still bothersome that we can't even enjoy each other's friendship.

Adding insult to injury was the fact that tonight a lot of my family started asking questions about her. Nothing intrusive; just simple questions from concerned family. "How are things between you and Glorie?", "Are you guys still friends?"
I wish I could answer honestly, "yes...but no" but they wouldn't be able to understand. How do you tell your family that the people who hurt you are sorry that you were hurt...but not sorry for what they did to hurt you in the first place?

Then I would have to field the questions about why I still hope for closeness with Glorie again in light of everything they put me through. But I can't answer that either.

Cause I can't really explain why I thought about her like how I did today. She's incredibly special to me. That's all.

Too bad that doesn't count for anything.

Day two

While learning more about my job today, I learned a very wonderful truth: Without trust, it is impossible to build a relationship with someone.


What a thought.

More mindless chatter

Today was my first day of training at NYL.

I found out that it's going to be a grueling two weeks. This is actually a good thing. I would much rather have a company take me through "boot camp" and me be better prepared once I'm really getting started than to be in a situation where the company is babying me and I end up no better than when I first entered the doors.

One thing I have noticed is that there's a lot of pride at this company. Many people that are proud of the company that they work for and proud of what they do. I applaud this very much, the whole unashamed of who I am deal. However, I truly hope I don't fall victim to the trap of letting this job define my identity. Far be it for me to allow such a trivial thing such as a job be worth my devotion. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the company and for everyone who has prepared the way on my behalf. However, no job, despite how prestigious, is worth my life.

In all, I'm pretty nervous about the whole deal. There's so much unknown. And a lot will depend on my propensity for diligence. Add to that the fact that it is an absolutely splendid time to go into the financial services market in the US, and you have a fruity concoction of a predicament. Nonetheless, I have full faith that Jesus will provide. And, to be honest, that feels kinda weird for me to say. But I truly believe it.

In any case, the 32 hours of FCS (training) I have left will be nothing compared to the tests I have left. One for insurance and two so that I can be a financial advisor. It doesn't really help thought that 15% of people pass the insurance test the first time they take it. And it's $90 to take the test. Every time.

Oh joy.

man I'm so weird

Tonight (or this morning?) I picked a great time to have insomnia.

I have to be at church in about 2 hours so I'll just go 24 hours without sleep. It was kind of weird. There's that feeling when you lie down and have your eyes closed but aren't quite asleep yet. Many people count sheep or do something rudimentary in order to get their minds to wind down and prepare for rest. When you're wired like me, this little "pre-sleep" time is when I have the most eccentric of thoughts. This can be good or bad as some times I will consider the most profound of ponderings in those moments. Other times I simply go buck wild thinking about so much. Tonight (or this morning?) was the latter.

I hung out with my crush again today. It was a weird spur-of-the-moment hang out session. We ended up playing poker when her phone kept blowing up with random text messages. I surmised from her wide smiles that they emanated from her crush. So naturally my heart sank just a little bit. It's a curious feeling really. Wanting so badly to be thought a certain way from a certain special individual...only to have them think nothing of the sort in your direction. It's like the whole time I just wanted to say "I wish you would smile for me sometime."

The thing is I can't quite identify what exactly that draws me to her. She is a Christian...but doesn't love Jesus half as much as I wish she would. She's pretty...but not Glorie pretty. We're completely different in fact. She gets inebriated from time to time and frequents the local poker table often. I do silly things like wake up early to go run cameras for a church and spend extra time trading video games to possibly make a small sum of money. She still makes extensive use of expletives that I long rid my vernacular of. She's smarter than me.

But, in the end, we have some pretty wonderful conversations. Although our past and present are worlds apart, there is an indescribable allure that exists toward the other person. According to her, she has never encountered someone so genuinely authentic, compassionate, and kind in her entire life. But I can't narrow precisely what it is about her that I like so much. She's interesting no doubt but what about her is so wonderful? I like how she laughs a lot. I like how she loves her family. I like her quirky sense of humor. I like how she thinks she's wittier than me.

I suppose it's the sum of all of those little things that attribute to my infatuation. I simply smile when I think about her. And I haven't been able to say that for a while about anyone. Every time I think about Glorie and I smile, it's immediately met with all the fallout from what happened last year. With Ms. T, it's simply...a smile.

I guess this is what is driving me nuts. For as much as she can make me smile, the sentiment isn't reciprocated entirely. I'm certain that she has some sort of affinity for me. It's evident in her body language. I just wish she was all giddy and girly over me. It sucks.

Thankfully, I have a pretty strong peace about this whole thing. Ever since all of this started to precipitate, all of my thoughts were intersected by the Holy Spirit.
"Do you want Me fred or do you want a girl?"
"Do you love Me fred or do you only sing those songs to me at church?"
"Do you trust Me or not fred?"

And here I was thinking that this trust lesson was over with already.

oh well

So I've had a little bit of a crush on someone lately.

I don't really know where it developed from either. It started out with intrigue then I suppose it simply snowballed to the full on crush that it is right now.

Unfortunately, I don't believe that they have a crush on me. If anything, they even gave hints as to how crazy about someone else they were. It's fitting I suppose. The whole chasing something that was never there in the first place. Oh well.

God is hilarious.

And, I say smiling, there is beauty in singleness.

What am I thinking about now?

Alas I find myself back in this space.

In light of all this contemplation about thoughts and all this Christian hub bub I still find myself thinking about Glorie. There's this perpetual struggle going on within my head about whether or not I'm simply "hanging on" or whether this is a testament to how much I really valued the relationship. In either case, the reality is that it's still very much on my mind. And my council gives me conflicting advice as to what I should do about it.

This isn't anything new as I've bloviated about this singular topic for so long now, but I'm being completely honest when I say this is what's on my mind. It's not nearly as dominant as it was last year though. The pain isn't nearly as strong either. But, although the intensity has diminished significantly, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still very much there.

It's the times like right now where it still hurts the most. When I consider how she's already long asleep in her bed with nothing in the world able to perturb her slumber. It's in the wake of midnight when I consider most just how much I long to be involved with her life. To know what she simply did today. To hear about what she thinks about. To laugh at the random jokes she finds on websites. To hear what new discovery she has uncovered. But all of this collides violently with the reality that I'm simply not able to enjoy any of this; there's no friendship to build off of.

It hurts pretty badly. Tears still flow consistently down. But what does that matter? There is nothing I can do to rid myself of the "obsessive ex-boyfriend" title that I've now been branded with.

The only thing that helps me get through this is the faith that I have that God, if He is real and if He is who He says He is, is more than aware of my situation. Thankfully, I've had many friends remind me of this perspective. From my small group who have done nothing but supported me faithfully in prayer, to Myriam in her perpetual goal of having me staying focused on the bigger (i.e. Godly) picture, to Kat Kat and her non-judgmental way of simply letting me know that she's there. Indeed, I have been surrounded with people who all point to the God we mutually draw strength from.

Someday it will be my time to draw from this experience to give Glor(ie) to God. I hope I do so with all of my heart.