*sigh*

sometimes I wish everything was different.


Actually, I wish that all the time.

another off night

It's been more of the same actually.

I'm logging in about 50 hours weekly for work. Lame.

In other news, Callie Ann is going through a break up and having an incredibly difficult time with it. She's come to me for some reason for council, and it's been weird kind of responding to it. She went out with Kevin a little over a year but you'd never know it considering how hard she's taking it. It's like the end of the world for her.

All I've been doing thus far is just listening. I kind of just let her let it all out and just kind of sit there and try to identify for her. The only thing is, I either have felt something much greater (i.e. Glorie) or much less (i.e. Kristy). I hope she learns to depend on God more. She keeps saying how people suck and relationships aren't worth it and stuff...which is ok I guess given her mental status. I mean I was at the point for awhile with Glorie. But the rain stops eventually. Healing begins again. And, thankfully, God starts trading burnt ashes for renewed hope. It's profound.

I think that's it really. I've been better with my devotionals! Hooray for that!



Yet I still miss special K. Darn that woman and her enchantments!!!

so this is what off days are like

I find myself oddly with time.

When I woke up this morning I was excited because I had three appointments to go to. Two of them ended up canceling on me. And this is where we find ourselves--with time on our hands.

It's been a pretty weird week for me. Work has been pretty typical. They teach us to have CEO mentality...and I get that. It bodes well when one has the potential to write their own paycheck. But I just think that we should also be real with ourselves; we represent New York Life. We aren't running our business. Period.

Aside from work, it'll have been a month and change since Kristy and I had our little DTR. I really can't understand how emotionally attached I have become to that woman. She's not the prettiest girl in the room, nor is she the smartest, nor does she have the most laudable "it" factor either. But everytime I think of her I end up smiling just a little bit wider. Even now. Still today.

And it sucks!

I wish it counted how much I miss her. I wish that meant something. But all indications are that her life hasn't even skipped a beat without me in her life. I thought I'd be worth a little bit more than that. Not to say that she should spend her days lamenting over the fact that we no longer converse (as this is not appropriate even for someone as sad as me), but it would help to know that you meant something to someone. Especially when you have grown as close as we had.

Chances are she probably does but it doesn't really get to her until those night time sessions. When she's all alone and doesn't have to wear her mask anymore. And instead of trying to please everyone she just misses me because I was the only one who could understand her for her. God better be sovereign; otherwise, stuff like this wouldn't make any sense.

Speaking of which, I feel like God's really rocking my world lately. I haven't had one of those hardcore prayers with him in so long. I've allowed my bible reading discipline to revert back to me simply reading proverbs everyday. I get by on milky feeding (listening to sermons on the way to work, simply talking about ethereal things) and haven't really dived deep into my God at all.

It sucks!

I feel out of balance.
I feel unappreciated.
I feel unfruitful.


Alas, I can identify all of these things and thus target them appropriately. But, I believe instead of simply dwelling on where I am at the moment, it's of greater importance to evaluate the direction of my life. After all, it's direction (not intention) that determines destination.

And, I can likewise identify the following:

God is.
I am loved.
Overall it could be worse.
There is a lot to look forward to.
I am precious to many.



I need more off days.

so tired

so much to write about.

so little energy.

dear journal, forgive me of my injustice.