the search for satisfaction

Every night, without fail, it comes.

Some nights it's subtle. Others it's incredibly intense. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I will pause and think about my life. Invariably I think about the relationships in my life. Some time is spent thinking about my friends and family. A considerable amount of time is spent thinking about broken romantic relationships. And the rest is spent wondering what I did wrong.

Why can't I instead think about all the things I have to be thankful for?

I wish I spent more time smiling because of my gratefulness instead of thinking about how confused I feel whenever I see Kristy in person.
I wish I spent more time praying for my friends instead of missing Glorie.

I just wish I was more balanced.

a new day

From a physical standpoint, yesterday was probably one of the worst in my life.

I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. Part of this is because of poor time management. The other part is that good ol' Starbucks requires me to be cognitive and functioning at humorous hours in the morning. Yesterday was no exception. The only problem is that I didn't get much sleep the night before. This sums together for one of the worst headaches I've ever had in my life.

I'm not one to get headaches...ever. But this was one of those hangover level, head throbbing, make you want to punch someone in the face ordeals. Nothing helped. I tried eating. I tried napping. I tried praying. I tried sitting next to the toilet. All for not.



But I woke up this morning ailment free. Not to the fact that I was able to do anything on my own, but in full realization that I had been given grace.

Sunday Evening

and I'm still an idiot.

awake

I can't seem to get out of my own way.

the ripple effect

It has been quite some time.

Most of the reason is because I haven't quite been "in the mood" to journal and such. The dissenting minority rationale is because I've been so scared of what would come out that I had no balls to proceed. There have been times where I have sat down, in this trusty ol' chair of mine, to chronicle what has been happening in my life, but I would always stop prematurely. I guess a lot of it comes with the fact that it's pretty difficult to break down everything that's been going on lately.

Work wise, I was dealt a pretty big blow this week when OB10 called me back. I was one of two finalists whom they were considering for one of their positions but I was the runner up. I put my best foot forward, but my interest kinda waned toward the end because it became evident that the position would be more and more sales based the more I found out about it. So, I suppose it'll be starbucks for even LONGER than I originally anticipated. No big deal though. I could have no job at all or working as an elephant cage cleaner at Disney. Selah!

Spritually, I've been very turbulent. I'm not praying as hard or as much as I used to. Nor am I half as consistent with digging in the Word. I've become very lazy with these disciplines and it's truly perplexing why I don't take steps to remedy the situation. I still have those transient conversation prayers with God all the time though. All throughout the day I'll think about Him and just think of whether or not He truly is aware of my life. I think this is probably concerning since it's likely that it's evidence of lack of faith. Oh snapz ):

Tennis wise, I lost my first match this week. Epic failure. /end

Relationship wise, I'm a hot mess. I was able to meet up with Emily this week. It was interesting as this has been the first time we've seen each other ever since she decided to pull that drama act in the summer. We were able to express things in transparency but it still feels unsettled. I think it's because I feel like her apology is fake. But then again, as I was thinking about it, I don't really know how one is supposed to deem an apology acceptable or unacceptable. I think that as Christians, our role is unequivocally to demonstrate the same grace that has been shown to us. And I find that hard...because there's still such a significant portion of me that wants to punch her in the face for her stupidity. But Jesus never punched me in the face for my stupidity...so there goes my logic -_-

Kristy wise, I'm pretty unsettled. I feel so betrayed. So lied to. So disgusted as to how she can be this way. I feel like our friendship has been cheapened and she doesn't care at all. And somehow I know that she will find a way to rationalize things so that everything she did will be justified and I am the one who ends up foolish. But what am I supposed to do as a result of that?

That is, when you keep showing a person grace and they keep running all over you, what is the appropriate response?

A lot of people say I'm wasting my time showing compassion toward her, but I don't feel like that's the case. I think that ruthless grace is such a difficult thing to find. It's not my role to be her everything, but I think one of the best ways I can show up big is to demonstrate first hand what unconditional really looks like. She doesn't have anything close to an example besides me.

But, the problem is, this altruistic virtue is coming wildly at the expense of my own personal well being. Many of my wise council are quick to point that you must be selfish to be selfless. Even Jesus was this way. He wouldn't dare go and do any of His ministry or His discipling unless He Himself had spent time alone (either early morning or late evening) with God the Father. But what does taking care of myself look like in this situation?

I wish I had a fred in my life right now. A quirky person who would randomly call me just to encourage me and let me know that I am absolutely treasured. Theoretically that's Jesus all of the time, but sometimes it'd be nice to not have to dig so deep for once.

I just need a nudge.
a hint.
a whisper.
a text.
a voicemail.
a FB wall post.

some sort of assurance that it's ok to still be hurting for what Kristy did to me. That grace is painful. That I'm not crazy after all.

Cause it really sucks being different all the time.




God, if You're out there, I could sure use a hug right now. I feel like every time I "do the right thing" and act in a way that's obedient to You, I end up broken. And I feel like You don't do anything about it. Whereas a lot of the people who halfway pursue You (if at all) enjoy Your blessings all the same.

...but who am I to question You, Lord? What authority do I have to be suspicious of Your sovereignty? I'm so small. I just wish You'd make Yourself more obvious to me.

I'm having a really hard time following You.

press pause

The thought occurred to me today that rubbing against the grain isn't a bad thing.

It just feels like it all of the time. Part of this tension comes with the dilemma of following Christ. Biblically speaking, Jesus states up front that following him requires going "all in." That is, if you aren't prepared to give up everything to follow Him, then you really aren't worthy to follow in the first place. In fact, He goes to the extreme of saying if we do not hate our father and mother (and even our own life) we cannot be a disciple.

Sometimes I find myself experiencing difficultly articulating why I choose to follow. I can say a lot of political stuff (He died for my sins) and it would be true, but not quite authentic. I feel like often times I'm pursuing God because of how much He has changed my life. Just like any other relationship, the more you're around someone the more you become like them. This is true for better or for worse. With God, it's been extraordinarily better. Not to say that I don't go through drama or anything (ha), but that I'm such a better person now because of my relationship with God. I don't know if this is quite biblical or not, but it is what it is.

All this said, I've spent much of the past week dwelling on the thought of "Who has God made me to be?" I feel like I'm in such a daze right now. I don't have a "real job", the one girl I thought there would be genuine potential in long term has just finished wrecking me, and I'm finding that I'm starting to distance myself with someo f my friends.

I'm just a hot mess right now. And it's weird.

Sunday Night Thought

What business is it of mine if God is or is not working in someone else's life? If God is working in mine, that's profound in and of itself.

progress?

Had the day off today.

It was refreshing. I spent it getting my hair did, playing Batman on the playstation, and catching up with my mom. For a large part of the morning, I spent a whole lot of time just reflecting. Who does God want me to be? Rather, who has God made me to be? Readjusting your focus is all about perspective. If you're focusing on the small stuff, think bigger. If your vision is too grand, stop being a heat lamp and start being a laser beam. Balance, as always, is the key.

It feels like this whole thing with Kristy is like a breakup. Every little thing reminds me of her. I'll be doing something when all of a sudden emotion will violently tug me from high to low. I wish I knew the end of this story. You know, skip through the commercial. But I can't. And it sucks. And although it feels good just being able to say that simply for what it is, I must pay attention to how this is shaping me. Whether I like it or not, my character is being molded. The only influence I have is steering the direction. I want to be known as someone who has extraordinary character so I would be wise to keep that in mind.

I still care for her so much. And as each day progresses, I recognize that it's quite likely that this fall out of ours will not get proper addressing. For her, she will at some point make contact and pretend like nothing happened at all. I wish I could just let her know that I don't want to bring crap up from the past just to live in the past or create drama, but to fully settle things for a more solid foundation going forward. It's just like killing weeds. You can take the top off and make sure that everything is pretty on the lawn, but you run the risk of something triggering the weed to start growing again in the future. The superior extraction method would be to tackle the weed from the root and completely eliminate the threat moving forward. It's so much more tedious and a lot dirtier, but man is it worth it to have that putting green lawn.

That said, one underrated thing happening here is the obvious problem with my faith and the cultivation therein. If I truly believed God and trusted that He really had purpose in everything that I was going through, I'd have so much peace and joy. Moreover, my desire to serve God would only intensify as this would prove just how easily satisfied (and thus easily disappointed) I can be. Instead, because I'm not quite as mature as I'd like, this has done nothing but shown how much of a gaping hole there is in my prayer life. It's convicting. But it's great because I see it as something I can begin working on.

And I guess that's where I find myself for now. Listening to classical music before I wake up for a job interview tomorrow. In a peculiar place where grinning has become a mainstay, I think I'm getting a little better.

And it feels great.

regrettable reality

It's been a rough 48 hours.

Thankfully, not as rough as I can handle. I didn't sleep much saturday evening. Thought after thought ran laps in my mind beckoning me to relive each moment of the evening with scintillating clarity. It's quite unfortunate for the night to have ended the way it did. I don't think either of us wanted things to go the way they did--but they did. I wanted so bad at the end of the night (when I tried to walk her to her door only to be met with more rudeness) to just embrace her with such completeness; as if to imply, "you're still precious to me even in you're foolishness" but could not get close enough to even get the attempt in.

Sunday sucked. I had to serve at northpoint and didn't have the will to. I left rehearsal crestfallen and instead of going to eat breakfast with the rest of SPD crew I just went in my car and stared at the ceiling. Tears followed several minutes afterward accompanied by that all-too-familiar feeling of deep pain. Thankfully I have a handful of true friends who are even at 8 AM on a sunday morning and quick to carry my pain with me (even when I'm stubborn and unwilling to let them). Things got better throughout the day (I totally pwned the guy I was up against in my tennis league and my parents told me lots of stories from their Mexico trip) but night came again and so did my emptiness.

It was easier to focus today. The feeling of being burned wasn't so intense and instead transformed into one of confusion. Why would Kristy treat me this way in the first place? If she's frustrated of being "idealized" as some perfect woman in my world, why not just say so? Is it really necessary to be straight up ugly to me? WTF?

Nonetheless, today was the first time in a long time I prayed so sincerely for her. That God would have mercy on her and for Him to work in her life such that she would find true and everlasting joy even if that meant that I wouldn't be part of that picture. It felt so real to be praying for her. Not because in the end I want credit for it, but because I was sincerely caring deeply for the person who hurt me just as deeply.

Now, at the end of the night, I am in realization (again) that there's so much I have to work on myself. It's kind of silly when you think about it. I gloat on how mature and stuff I am but then can't seem to comprehend the conclusions I made on this very same topic just 4 short weeks ago. Character is a very rare thing to find in people (especially given current popular culture). Do I really believe all of this Christian nonsense? Or am I just saying all the right things given my circle of friends? I believe it's times like these which speak loudly either way.

I guess we're about to see what I'm truly made of.
No. Rather, I guess we're about to see what I'm being made to be.

suck at dating

Chalk another one up on the board!

Just finished probably THE most epic fail of a date with Kristy. I seriously don't know what masochist wiring I have inside to continue to endure such relentless coldness but Kristy is such an expert at it. It's kind of funny too considering I was listening to Black Eyed Peas before we left and i was all like "I'm not so confident tonight will be a good night."

It started predictably. She was tired and annoyed from her day at work and was late getting ready (no biggie). I go to pick her up and am absolutely enamored by how beautiful I thought she was. She walks right past me and gets straight into the car. Then she spends almost the entirety of the car ride talking on the phone or texting while we're driving there. I try to persevere and think good thoughts about our night, but it's pretty hard at this point.

Somewhere along the way, I stop to give her the flowers I bought for her. I was foolish enough to think that something like that would be special for her. After all, they were different and just her color (it was a purple/blue iris surrounded by a bigger version of baby's breath and some greenery). But the flowers ended up triggering a bunch of crap (ugh). She got kind of flustered and started saying how I don't need to get her flowers all the time and how she always feel bad when I get her stuff. I tell her that when you give gifts, it's not about the money that's spent--it's about the thoughtfulness of the gift implied. She gets mor pissed.

We got to our restaurant (Osterio del Figo) when things actually perked up just a little bit. She talked about what was pleasing and not pleasing to her decor wise and we continued to wait for our food. Somehow our casual conversation ended up turning right back to the flower I got her.

This is when the breaking point in the evening came. [It's kind of hard writing about this...because it's so emotionally taxing. How does one continue to purely care about someone when they repeatedly have utter disregard for your feelings.]

She ended up saying something along the lines of:

"Whatever fred. You think you know me but you don't know me. You think I like getting flowers and it makes me happy. I like getting flowers just not from you."

heart = destroyed.



We ended up not seeing the show at the rialto anymore. She wanted me to take her straight home. The car ride was her talking about how bad she felt for what she was doing. I told her that I still think she's wonderful. She said she wished I didn't try so hard. I said I wish I was worth a damn to her. She said she felt like such a bitch. I'm glad I DIDN'T say it's cause she was acting like a PMS-ing idiot.

And so that was my saturday night. I suck at life.

eyes wide shut

sleepy.
awake.
DCB.
church music.
epic.
tennis.
stupid forehand.
dr house.
focus.
can't.
stop thinking.
miss kristy.
how was biloxi.
new investment.
still owe money.
life = oxymoron.

Saturday Night Thoughts

Everyone is upstairs watching the mayweather-marquez fight.

I'm downstairs winding down about to go to sleep. It's not that I have no interest in watching boxing (Manny Pacquiao FTW!) but I really have to sleep since I'm serving at BC tomorrow. The only reason this strikes me at all is that I believe I'm a pretty strange child.

Everyone upstairs is inebriated out of their mind; I've had nothing but water to drink.
Playing poker everyone was having fun cracking jokes and stuff; I just stayed quiet and focused on playing.
Everyone is cheering on the boxing match and has no regard for the time; I have to get up in 5 hours.


I guess I wish I was a little bit more normal sometimes. But then again I'm very happy with the fact that I don't fit in the typical mold of anyone. But I still look for acceptance with other people. I guess it's just nice knowing that that I'm highly thought of even though I'm the chocolate chip cookie that got deformed during the baking process.

Often through the night I thought about Kristy and how much she would approve of my being social or not. But her view of me doesn't define me. Rather, it shouldn't. Yet I want her to think much of me probably because I think much of her.

Blah. I'm a hot mess. No wonder God probably wants me to pay attention to the ME issues more than the THEM issues.

friday night thoughts

oh noes.

The day progressed today and so did my thoughts. One dangerous one in particular surfaced quite clearly.

It is possible (likely even) that part of the reason that I try so hard with Kristy is because I want to receive glory (that's christian-speak for credit or praise) for the story. That is, if she were to ever "come around" and start appreciating me or whatever, it would be because of MY faithfulness and MY patience with her the whole way.

This is entirely contradictory to the creed of selflessness that I aspire to.

The implication being that my relinquishing everything about Kristy to God means that I also take no more credit for anything that goes on in her life. It is an open embrace to the reality that, from this point forward, anything that happens in her life would be her choice and undeniable prompting of the Holy Spirit. Any influence I will have had up to that point would be but one of many factors to a greater story of God.

Crap.

I wanted a Disney type of thing.

friday morning thoughts

Although it was hard to find rest last evening, the merciful embrace of sleep did provide closure.

I think that one plausible direction that all this crap has been pointing to is that there may be bigger issues with me that must be addressed. There aren't any huge red flags about my character per se that merit psychiatric help (or is there?), but it's the culmination of those small, subtle things that really make the difference in a relationship.

In other words, maybe this is more of a fred problem than it is a Kristy problem.

why rejection hurts so much

it's that feeling you get in the middle of the night when the lights are off and you're in bed and your eyes are closed. In the twilight of your consciousness you lay there thinking about them...only to realize that you're the last thing on their mind.

And that's when ridiculous things start happening.

Like tears.

2 in one day!

I feel so conflicted.

On one hand comes all these random thoughts that I simply can't dismiss.
- Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
- In light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?
- The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
- Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves do what it says.

But the other side is undeniable as well.


I've never felt so torn about anything in my entire life. The decision seems obvious but why isn't it easier? Why am I struggling with such a simple issue? Could this be a reflection of greater issues that I need to deal with myself?

I feel so stupid.

under the bridge

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It was another one of those days today. I had a much needed day off and wanted to use it in a very worthwhile way. Naturally I began the day praying and proceeded to playing the ever-so-wholesome video game Grand Theft Auto IV. I just finished executing Mr. Dimitri Rascalov when I deemed showering (in the real world) a beneficial thing for my day. In the shower, as with all of my great ideas, birthed the brilliance that surprising Kristy in Athens would be a worthy task for the day. Thus the beginning of this story.

Within minutes I formulated my strategy. She would be leaving for Louisiana tomorrow, so it would be quite wonderful for me to bring her a "KT survival gift" as a surprise for her long day today. I would end up packing a bowl of food (she doesn't have time to eat during the latter part of her day), a small bowl of fruit, a whole banana (she loves fruit in general), smart water, moist towelettes and regular paper towels (she has a lot of charcoal on her hands because of her arts and crafts related classes) to wipe her hands with, her favorite pack of gum, and an envelope with a note from me. There's a caveat with the envelope though. I happened to enclose some money in it to assist with a conflict Kristy had with Lee but it was an awful, awful mistake. I was out of place and overzealous with pure intentions and poor execution (seems to be my m.o.).

Eventually I begin my trek up to lovely Athens, GA. It's normally a 1.25 hour drive but today it was pleasant enough to rain. So it was more like 1.45 hours...one way. The plan was to meet around 2:15 or so. I got to Athens around 2 and stopped by publix to buy her bowl of fruit and withdraw the money I was going to put in the envelope. Then, what should've been only a 10 minute drive to campus turned out to be a 30 minute escapade of me getting lost in the rain. Things were not going to plan and of course I ended up calling her and diminishing my surprise visit. Everything ended up more frustrating because she was at a really obscure location on campus (Barrow Hall which is a semi-small building) that I had trouble locating. So, she had to guide me from the parking deck and give me walking directions to her.

This is where the epic fail begins.

There were communication breakdown between us because I would be walking toward her and we would end up being on different pages. I would walk one direction and she would think I was in another place. This back and forth "wait...where are you?" would continue and waste maybe another 10 minutes of time. She started getting annoyed because she went outside to wait for me and started getting wet. The whole time I'm trying to keep optimistic because I'm carrying a bag full of stuff for her. I started to lose hope because she was so clearly flustered with me.

We finally met up and I was so happy to see her. She was amused with me and my smile and looked content enough to see me back. I have her her gifts, explained everything, with which she would smile and say "aww thanks." We spent a total of ten minutes together until she had to go back to her class. Then as I left she sent text after text saying how angry she was with me because of the money I tried to give her to help her situation. Never mind the fact that I tried so hard to be thoughtful and do something as time-consuming as driving an hour and a half through the rain just for her but everything was for not since I annoyed her earlier and tried to help a situation I had no business helping.



My small group says I should find someone who appreciates me more than Kristy.

Only problem is that I truly appreciate her.

expecting the unexpected

There's an old adage that goes "when life gives you lemons make lemonade."

I believe that whoever came up with that had quite a life. Perhaps their perspective had shifted such that they realized that joy does not come from circumstance but instead comes from faith in a better future. For some that's reunion with family or some drug or whatever. For me it's eternity in heaven.

Anyway, the reason this has been noteworthy for me because there's something really rich about knowing how to handle a situation where the circumstances really don't make sense. It's those perilous times when quitting and complaining become all too easy simply because it's extremely uncomfortable not knowing what the future will hold and having very little control of it. I believe that it is during these times that a light shines in the places that we, as humans, tend to mask so well.

There are virtues and vices that will manifest in these times. Those with weak personalities will falter usually and traverse through said "lemon phase" with many bumps and bruises all along the way. What more, people of this nature will be quick to highlight the fact that they had to go through such an enduring period to all who may listen.

The other extreme will go through the same thing, yet every measure of their character will shine whenever the opportunity will permit (which is all the time). They endure the same bumps and bruises that their counterparts go through, but the scintillating difference is that the bumps and bruises are minor parts of a focused demeanor that never loses sight of the fact that things will get better. As a result their personalities never stray far from wonderful.

Although there are many exceptions, and I have noted but a few generalaties, I think the best thing for me right now is to pursue the latter. To quote my boy Moody, "Character is what you are in the dark."

Now if I just knew some good lemonade recipes.

drive time

I wish I could be more comfortable with the fact that I'm a nerd.

That I read a lot and think really weird thoughts all of the time. I wish I didn't think in the background that sometimes I could be "cooler" if I was less me.

I wish I thought I was pretty cool as is.

a moment in contemplation

I'm finding it easier and easier to understand and appreciate the supreme amount of faithfulness God has in us.

I do not understand what makes us act the way that we do. This whole conundrum of giving a person the autonomy to do whatever pleases them certainly encompasses the fact that they could genuinely hurt you as well as give you joy. However, I realize now that were it not for this, there would be no joy to be had when the person chooses you if it were a forced decision altogether.

This alone is a great testament for those who are married (and happily married at that) for generation upon generation.

All this is to say that relationships take work. And, it's awful when one person wants the relationship to work and the other doesn't.

man

I miss her so much.

What I would give to just talk to her right now.

long and lost

Alright. It's time to play catch up.

The last big happening centered around some drama actually. One of the side effects of this tennis addiction has been that I've been able to play with a regular "tennis group." Problem with groups is that, after prolonged exposure, the potential for conflict tends to go up. We played literally every day. The inevitable bump in the road came.

It turns out that I was actually the instigator. Apparently I said some things in a very sarcastic manner that didn't rub off the right way. They got offended but instead of doing something logical like telling me how I hurt their feelings, they decided to blacklist me. Ever the observant one, I ended up telling them how their blacklisting made me feel and suddenly they had egg on their face. Long story short, Brandon and I are pretty much reconciled (which I think is pretty important since he got to see first hand what grace is all about) but things between Hank, Emily and I haven't been the same since. Which, in my opinion, is either a reflection of how shallow of a friendship it was to begin with; or perhaps it's of greater indication of their willingness to tackle difficult issues in their life. Perhaps both. Either way it's a shame.

Work wise, I'm settling into my new position quite nicely. It's a lot of information being able to remember stuff but nothing too difficult. A lot of people say I'm doing very well. I think I just know how to listen. IT's not hard to do the task when you're surrounded by good teachers and I have been. One guy I find hilarious at my job is a guy named drew. Every time I see him I think he's stoned. And it doesn't help that he gives really awesome responses to stuff too. For example:

"So drew what time did you get here this morning?"
"Supposed to be 6:15 but it was more like 6:32ish"
"Oh really? What happened?"
"I couldn't find my keys."
"Where did you end up finding them?"
"In the trash can. I have no idea how they got there."
"sweet."

It just doesn't get more priceless than that.

Kristy wise, it's more of the same. This whole I'm a fish and she's the fisherman. I see the bait and sadly I know the hook is right below it, yet I just can't get over it. It's awful. I tried quitting cold turkey but she started talking to me. It's a really awful place. I'm trying to find places to be grateful just to be her friend, but I find it difficult to either view her as simply a friend or keep myself from realizing that sooner or later she'll use me just for emotional security.

I wish we could just have an honest conversation with each other. If only I could hear her say why in the world she keeps playing around with me. If she wants a close relationship with me, what boundaries is she willing to help me enforce? If she wants to be "just friends" then why not let us be just friends? I hate this whole not talking then all of a sudden asking me out of nowhere to go watch the time traveler's wife with her. Then the whole get into an argument but then ask me to keep her awake while she drives home.

Maybe I'm most frustrated for myself for enabling her. I care about her so much. I just wish it meant more to her. It's pretty weird. She's the only person I have an expectation for my loyalty. I didn't even have that for Glorie when her family was doing all that BS to me. But with Kristy, I want so bad for her to see the fact that friendships like mine don't come so often. Maybe I'm focusing on me too much.

All that aside, spiritually I'm kinda stagnant. I'm not murdering anyone thankfully, but I'm in one of those phases where I'm just kind of "going through the motions." That never goes anywhere with any relationship. I don't know. I have to think bigger picture. I have to pray bigger picture. I want to start living bigger picture.

Again.

survivor

It has been a turbulent ride, but it's over.

Thankfully, and with the help of much grace from the capital G, I have emerged from the weekend. It's kind of neat considering that sunday I actually got to take one of those much lauded sunday afternoon naps. I think mine would have been more enjoyable had it stemmed from leisure instead of sheer exhaustion.

I'd love to journal some more, but I think it would be wise to get some rest before my shift tomorrow AM. I have to get used to waking up really early. Saturday I have to be in at 5:30 AM. As in Ante Meridian. Id est I will be up before the sun starts waking up. Translation: I either have to go a straight 24 hours or start sleeping way earlier in order to preserve my sanity.

Last thing I wanted to jot down before I doze is this continuing observation about relationships. I have discovered that relationships (surprise?) take work; and no one has worked harder than Jesus to maintain/build them. What a thought.

dead tired

my schedule for the next 48 hours:

6:15 AM - Meet for carpool.
6:30 AM - Drive to St. Francis to serve.
7:00-11 - Serve.
12-4 PM - Learn how to make cold drinks at the empire.
5-7 PM - Ethan party
8-? - sleep?
645 AM - meeting for BC production.
7:00 AM - 12:00 PM - Serve.


Not that bad now that I write it out. I just don't have any energy.

2nd day of "work"

I'm scheduled to clock in in about an hour.

Sure, the job isn't glamorous, but then again neither is God; and look how awesome He turned out. As soon as I get rid of this elitist mentality that I'm too good for what I'm doing, I think the sky's the limit for my potential. I could be one of those cool humble leaders. The ones that don't even lead because they try hard; they're the ones people follow because they verify for themselves that they're worth following.

But that's all for later (maybe). For now, it's off to 4 hours of putting an apron on and laughing at how my life isn't quite what I thought it would be a year ago. But I guess that's ok.

And, I really am grateful.

Friday Night Thoughts

It happened when I was driving home.

I had just finished some epic matches with Terri, Anthony, and Van (where yours truly was part of the victorious squad each time). We went back to Terri's house where I met up with Phuong and saw the kids. I gave them all the stuff I got for them while in Toronto (just two hockey sticks and some candy). Of course the other one was there, cooking. It was kind of an awkward exchange but whatever I got the money for my falcons tickets. They pleaded for me to stay for dinner but, knowing it wouldn't be wise, I politely declined.

On the way home, I had a feeling that I knew that they were feeling. The fact that I so easily integrated into their lives but something wasn't quite right due to the fact that no one really knew why I wasn't a more apparent part in the first place. The elephant in the room, of course, is the fact that there's a very poor relationship between Kristy and me now. We can both say the right things and act the right way, but I never can quite recall when being fake was superior to being transparent.

I wish I were able to have a better relationship with Kristy, but I'm slowly conceding that that very issue is no longer within my sphere of influence; that is, if any sort of relationship between us is to be made better, either Kristy or God will have to take initiative because I've literally exhausted all the influence I had to begin with. Moreover, Kristy specifically has to be the one who wants it. And frankly, she doesn't.

So, as I was on my 30 minute journey from Terri's house to my own, I just pressed shuffle on the iPod and just let myself be alone with my thoughts. Instead I just ended up worshiping God. As poor of a parallel as it may be, just as I have yet to give up on pursuing a very deep friendship with Kristy, I don't think God has quite given up on pursuing a very deep friendship with me. Further, my persistent let downs and flakiness don't seem to diminish my value in God's eyes in much the same way I still think the world of Kristy. When you have someone in your life who is so unequivocally for you like that, it's very easy to take that person for granted. I think I understand more now.

I ended my ride with "Your Grace is Sufficient." Oh how I desire to be that mature someday in my walk with Christ. The fact that God's grace is singularly gratifying to me. At the moment, I'm much too immature and too easily satisfied by worldy things (namely Babolat tennis products). But some day, I am confident that my relationship with God will venture out from the kiddie pool.

Until then, I'm grateful to have such a wonderful Person in my life.

relationship building 201

One things that everyone has to come to terms with is that other people in their life (whether closely held or otherwise) will fault them.

That is, sooner or later every other person you're in a relationship with (platonic or romantic) will do something wrong to you. This is not to imply that every wrong will be devastating. Sometimes it will be simply not washing the dishes for the husband. Other times it will be making a commitment to go eat ice cream and not following through on it. All said, it's no real big deal.

Obviously, there are the wrongs that are a little bit more severe. The aforementioned husband may suddenly choose to fornicate with another woman. One's best friend perhaps may speak the sharpest words in the heat of emotion and suddenly cause irreparable damage to the once pristine relationship. Et cetera.

The remedy in any fault of a relationship is dependent entirely on how much one looks out for the OTHER person's best interest and not their own.

Dishes will always be washed when the wife considers just how much of a difference doing something small like that makes to her OCD husband after a long day at work.
Spending 30 minutes to eat ice cream with a friend is no longer troublesome when one takes into account that your presence alone means the world to the other friend (and the rest is just a cherry on top) [pun intended].
Infidelity no longer seems worth it when viewed in context of the lifelong trauma it inflicts upon the daughter who has to be raised by the (newly turned) alcoholic mother who no longer has any interest raising a functional family.
Bitter tongues suddenly learn to tame themselves when suddenly there comes discovery that with losing a friend comes relentless heartache of remorse and guilt from a moment's foolishness.
While these examples are pretty elementary, there are a number of ways I have come to benefit from this mindset at all times.

A very peculiar relationship of mine (we'll just call this one special K for now) always stretches the bounds of this principle. Recently we made plans to spend the whole day together to catch up with each other to simple enjoy each other's company. Said day arrived and she ends up sleeping until late in the evening. Frustrated, I chose to pursue my own interests the rest of the night. She called repeatedly only to receive voicemail greeting after voicemail greeting.

Communication resumed eventually. She expressed she was sorry and accidentally slept throughout the entire day (jet lag you know?) but she was very upset that I didn't return her phone calls. I expressed that I was extremely frustrated with her (she had done this exact same thing to me now on multiple occasions) and did not have the emotional resolve to speak with her at that moment. We were both over it, but she was relentless in highlighting the fact that I could've done a much better job at least responding via text/phone call once I had cooled off.

She was right.

My frustration was justified, but future frustration could've easily been avoided had I simply communicated with her. She had a right to be upset with my stoic front, but had she kept in mind just how precious our day would have been for me in general, she wouldn't have had greater incentive to wake up.

And this awful feeling of our relationship disintegrating wouldn't be a reality.

relationship building 101

Just thought I'd write down something I've learned about relationships.

Relationships, very simply, require two people to both prioritize the friendship enough to want to maintain/grow it.
The best way to grow them is to invest time into it.
However, the time investment comes with the caveat of trust. For without trust, the environment cannot foster healthy growth.
If at any time there is shortfall in any of the above, the relationship will suffer either in the short or long term.

I have found that there is a direct proportion in the level of my friendships when I consider how much I trust the other person. Those whom I trust the most I have the closest relationships with. This makes sense. However, what is frightening is the fact that giving someone an extraordinary amount of trust also means giving them free access to your life. This entails giving them the authority to speak into your life when you're acting stupid and/or giving them the free will to stab you in the back at any moments notice (I can attest to both very well).

Very few people recognize that principle. Fewer still the people who will actually leverage the principal to their advantage.


But it's their loss.

at the moment

sad.

very very sad.

Canadian conditions

So much to be thankful for.

I woke up this morning in sort of an awkward state. My dream was pretty unique. I imagined that a toy ninja had transformed into a killing machine and was ruthlessly trying to kill me. He would throw his sword around and it would hit my hands and deliver a pain so sharp that words simply would not encapsulate the literal surge of nerves telling me something was wrong. I honestly was running all around the house just trying to run from a TOY ninja that had gone haywire. I didn't quite awake in a sweat, but I was totally in a different state of mind to say the least. Then I showered and had spam and dilis-fried rice. Two things I don't particularly enjoy, but when someone has gone out of their way to make room for YOU in THEIR house, likes and dislikes tend to melt away to the superficial realm that they come from.

Then came Niagara falls.

We arrived at the hotel my cousins have been staying at around 10ish. It was quite a resort. Complete with a casino and everything. I was rather envious considering I spent a large part of my night running away from a toy ninja but hey whatev you know. We proceeded straight to the maiden of the mist:



It's kind of a weird experience. Everyone gets in a big tugboat with ponchos on. Then you start seeing why Niagara is such a strong attraction. Within minutes we were within a few yards of the bottom of the falls and man was it incredible! It was hard just to keep my eyes open just because the wind and water was so intense and swirling in every direction. It was such a sight. I've never seen water so relentless in it's fury. It was power truly at work. I mean, there are people who have been known to be ruthless people on earth (Mussolini, Hitler, my bosses from NYL) who would seem to command authority when they simply walk. But none of them even held a stick to the authority that those waterfalls held. I mean there was simply no question who was in charge because everyone knew that it was the waterfall's way or the highway. Wet, we finally docked back on shore.

Afterward we just walked around and eventually found ourselves in a mall. My cousins are a strange group of people. They would complain about not wanting to spend a lot of money on the food at the mall (like $7.xx entrees), but would have no hesitation spending $15 on a shirt from guess just cause it was 70% off. I guess it's all about what's valuable and what's not. I suppose I should just be thankful that shopping isn't a real big thing of mine. I look, determine if I want anything, evaluate whether or not I can afford it, then execute. Simple really.

Tomorrow we go to downtown Toronto and peruse the views from the CN tower. Then, apparently it's off to Chinatown to "sightsee" and probably shop some more. Oh joy.

Still thankful though and thoroughly drained by now. Hopefully I can get glimpses of the spiritual condition of the city tomorrow.

Red leaves and different dialects

Thank the capital G that I arrived in Toronto safely. My plane ride was rather pleasant actually. My seat mate was actually one of the most hairy armed person I’ve ever met in my life, but it’s ok considering the guy was totally friendly. We exchanged pleasantries and the like and I actually am really glad we got to talk.

I got to meet Bernadette’s brother and other family. They’re top notch people. Remind me a lot of my family at home. Someday they should come and visit as well.

Oh, I got ripped off at the exchange rate place. They were giving $0.98 CAD for every $1 USD. Considering that it was $1 USD = $1.10 CAD I’d say that that’s quite a rip. Yet, like a sucker, I exchanged $10 USD at that awful rate. Hopefully I can hit up a bank tomorrow.

Speaking of which, the goal is to go to the notorious Niagara falls tomorrow and spend the entire day there. We should have plenty of photo opportunities. We plan on going on something known as maiden of the mist. Apparently it’s some special thing that takes you right under the niagar falls. According to Mark (Bernadette’s brother), it’s a very raw way to witness just how truly powerful the Niagara Falls are.

I’m thinking it can be yet another way for God to really reveal just how awesome He is.

Guess that’s it for now. I’m pretty exhausted.

an off night

It's a weird night in more ways than one.

I stepped in front of this literary canvas of mine...and have nothing to write. Not that there isn't a lot going through my head (which there is), but nothing special seems worthy of documentation.

I guess it's just more appropriate to just sit back and reflect today.

relationships take work

I had the pleasure recently of reconnecting with a dear friend of mine.

It has been a long time coming, as our last meaningful conversation had not occurred in quite some time. Yet, last week, conversations finally happened and all the gunk that had been built up inside surfaced for examination. It was thrilling yet frightening.

The moment was awkward at first actually. They had been waiting for quite some time and I was soaking wet (fresh from my game of basketball where yours truly was displaying jordan-esque skills). Then, when I was able to freshen up, we were able to finally get to things.

Small talk.
Then pointed small talk.
Then deep talk.
Then hard conversation talk.
Then relieved talk because we finally were able to start understanding one another.
Then where do we go from here talk.
Then happy talk.
Then joyful reconciliation talk.

While that summary was quite poignant, it should be noted that the duration of that dialogue took more than 2 years. That's 730+ days of tears, doubt, and anger among other emotions. And frankly, I had given up on the idea that any reconciliation would occur in the first place.

But, as I discovered, there was urgency on the other person's heart just as much as it was on mine. Which is why I have come to conclude that relationships take work. This is true of all relationships (whether platonic, romantic, or otherwise). Both parties must have some desire to benefit the other partner otherwise the relationship becomes unhealthy (and ultimately, perhaps, broken). But when both are working at it, the momentum leads to a better place. It doesn't always end up as a happy ending, but it does end up getting you somewhere.

And the best friendships get you to a place where you couldn't go yourself.

humility (again) (again??)

This whole transition from NYL has been quite tumultuous.

Officially speaking, I'm still with the company. Unofficially, I'm very much looking at all of my options. I've spent a considerable amount of time looking this past week at either new jobs or at tennis related material. I think it would be absolutely convenient and lovely if I could just become a tennis professional. That way tennis could pay for my living.

Yet, I find that completely unfulfilling all the same.

I'm not sure what exactly is in store for me. For that matter, I'm not even sure what it is that I want to do next. I feel that I'm very talented and will be a very good hire for someone, but I don't know quite what exactly that means. I have a lot of head knowledge in the financial spectrum of things, but I'm not dead set in staying in that field either. I think I'd be equally content doing something else entirely. That has been a blessing and a curse all the same.

Part of the frustration stems from the fact that a lot of my resume is tailored for someone on a path to financial professionalism.

I don't really care one way or the other.

But I think this is where this whole humility thing is being drilled into my head yet again (really now? 2.5 years of the same lesson already?). There's no doubt that God has uniquely gifted me to be able to adapt and do many, many things well; but I have also gloated on those things as a reflection of me instead of Him. As a result, in my arrogance, I have foolishly believed that this transition period in my life would conveniently fall into place without any hardship at all. I mean, who wouldn't want to hire me?

But, instead I'm slowly trying to embrace the reality that I should be thankful for any job that I have. Even if it means lowering my pride and accepting a position that I'm over-qualified for. Let God work in me so that He can work through me. What a novel thought.

But this job better come fast (please?). Otherwise I think I'll just be an exotic dancer. Get excited.

back

It's been a long long time.

A lot has developed. More that I will get into tomorrow.

But for now, this is what I'm dwelling on:

"If we value comfort more than character, then trials will upset us. If we value the material and physical more than the spiritual, we will not be able to count it joy! If we live only for the present and forget the future, the trials will make us bitter and not better." - Wiersbe

melancholy and daybreak

It's been a pretty epic week in terms of life.

There's been another dilemma in the craziness that is New York Life. I haven't received an email back from Brian but I made a very strong case for myself. I am hopeful that at some point this week I will have my meeting with Brian but I don't have any control over any of that in the meantime.

I'm better from a relationship standpoint though. I think I finally hit that breakthrough part where I FINALLY understand that Kristy simply doesn't care about me or my time as much as I care about her. It's difficult to be in this position, but at least this time I have the benefit of experience. This sort of ordeal so closely echoes what I've already gone through with Glorie that it's kinda humorous. It hurts just as bad, but when you put yourself out on the line for someone the pain is a risk that one has to take. Theorhetically the pain is so worth it if the other person is willing to equally put themselves out on the line. But that's just it--it must be mutually submission/affection. Since that clearly isn't the case with Kristy, I end up with the short end of the stick.

I remain hopeful though. There's good news for those in hopeless situations like me. There's an ongoing initiative labeled "redemption" for anyone interested. Where those crying in darkness (me) can trade in their freshly embered ashes for beautiful restoration. You just have to know where to look.

I haven't quite latched onto it, but I'm at least back on the train. And, it feels good knowing that I can move in a forward direction--even if I'm reluctant to let anyone else carry all my luggage. But smiles eventually sprinkle around life again. And the warmth of love will come.

Who knows...maybe there's hope for me yet.

2:51

And it's clear.

Sleep has decided to omit my bedroom tonight.

brooding feelings

anger.
pride.
resentment.
unfairness.
confusion.
insignificance.
unrecognition.
bitterness.


no positive spin at all.

a really dark place

it's so painful.

Yesterday was another huge deadline for the company. I really don't know what to believe in anymore. I was supposed to be at 9000 but there seems to be a dilemma regarding my "true" number. According to my math, and hey I know a little bit about numbers), I should be at about 9075. Dashboard shows me at 7085. I already saw two people pack up their desks because they got axed. I have very little confidence that I won't follow their lead.

Today was such an emotionally draining day. This morning's "council rush" really solidified why I think corporate america is so great and so awful. Competition breeds excellence but what's the point if we have to step all over each other to get there? My insight is shot.

I had a little bit of a high today when I was able to close a deal. It came very unexpected and it's not much but I'm very happy taking it. Add to that the fact that the sun was shining and all seemed very well. Even my second appointment went well. Didn't close anything...but got referrals. So it was all good.

Then, inevitably, the rest of the day came. I was supposed to meet up with Kristy today. She's leaving for a month tomorrow to go tour asia. So, after two months of non-communication...suddenly lines were open again. The plan was for us to hang out before she left.

But, the problem this time was I believed her.

Long story short I fly straight from my appointment to her area only to have her not pick up my phone calls. I called every 30 minutes 3 different times. I ended up driving to Borders and buying a book for her to read on the plane in my wait for her. She picks up the fourth time simply to say she never received any of my previous calls. Go figure.

Pressed for time, we discover that if we're to hang out at all it couldn't be for long because she still had a lot of packing to do and she still has to meet up with Lee and her other friends this evening. So, even being less than 5 minutes away from her house, I tell her to use the time to finish packing so that she wouldn't be stressed for time (this was done as a preemptive measure since #1) I know that she wouldn't have finished packing until 3 AM or so this morning cause she would be drunk tonight and #2) if she didn't get a lot of sleep it's likely she would've started fighting with her mom and that would be an awful way to start the trip).

Fast forward to an hour before midnight and I'm still waiting patiently for her. And I feel completely ridiculous for having made a card with an airplane on it wishing her safety on her travels. And really dumb for buying headphones that cancel out ambient noise so she can sleep better on the plane. And most stupid because I actually believed she would want to see me too.



I feel so awful. I swear a person should not be capable of experiencing this much rejection. I mean I get it all the time from work related activities. Should it come from someone that's considered a dear friend as well? What

I'm so stupid.

Come to think of it, I can't even recall eating today.

I haven't felt this low in two years.

*sigh*

sometimes I wish everything was different.


Actually, I wish that all the time.

another off night

It's been more of the same actually.

I'm logging in about 50 hours weekly for work. Lame.

In other news, Callie Ann is going through a break up and having an incredibly difficult time with it. She's come to me for some reason for council, and it's been weird kind of responding to it. She went out with Kevin a little over a year but you'd never know it considering how hard she's taking it. It's like the end of the world for her.

All I've been doing thus far is just listening. I kind of just let her let it all out and just kind of sit there and try to identify for her. The only thing is, I either have felt something much greater (i.e. Glorie) or much less (i.e. Kristy). I hope she learns to depend on God more. She keeps saying how people suck and relationships aren't worth it and stuff...which is ok I guess given her mental status. I mean I was at the point for awhile with Glorie. But the rain stops eventually. Healing begins again. And, thankfully, God starts trading burnt ashes for renewed hope. It's profound.

I think that's it really. I've been better with my devotionals! Hooray for that!



Yet I still miss special K. Darn that woman and her enchantments!!!

so this is what off days are like

I find myself oddly with time.

When I woke up this morning I was excited because I had three appointments to go to. Two of them ended up canceling on me. And this is where we find ourselves--with time on our hands.

It's been a pretty weird week for me. Work has been pretty typical. They teach us to have CEO mentality...and I get that. It bodes well when one has the potential to write their own paycheck. But I just think that we should also be real with ourselves; we represent New York Life. We aren't running our business. Period.

Aside from work, it'll have been a month and change since Kristy and I had our little DTR. I really can't understand how emotionally attached I have become to that woman. She's not the prettiest girl in the room, nor is she the smartest, nor does she have the most laudable "it" factor either. But everytime I think of her I end up smiling just a little bit wider. Even now. Still today.

And it sucks!

I wish it counted how much I miss her. I wish that meant something. But all indications are that her life hasn't even skipped a beat without me in her life. I thought I'd be worth a little bit more than that. Not to say that she should spend her days lamenting over the fact that we no longer converse (as this is not appropriate even for someone as sad as me), but it would help to know that you meant something to someone. Especially when you have grown as close as we had.

Chances are she probably does but it doesn't really get to her until those night time sessions. When she's all alone and doesn't have to wear her mask anymore. And instead of trying to please everyone she just misses me because I was the only one who could understand her for her. God better be sovereign; otherwise, stuff like this wouldn't make any sense.

Speaking of which, I feel like God's really rocking my world lately. I haven't had one of those hardcore prayers with him in so long. I've allowed my bible reading discipline to revert back to me simply reading proverbs everyday. I get by on milky feeding (listening to sermons on the way to work, simply talking about ethereal things) and haven't really dived deep into my God at all.

It sucks!

I feel out of balance.
I feel unappreciated.
I feel unfruitful.


Alas, I can identify all of these things and thus target them appropriately. But, I believe instead of simply dwelling on where I am at the moment, it's of greater importance to evaluate the direction of my life. After all, it's direction (not intention) that determines destination.

And, I can likewise identify the following:

God is.
I am loved.
Overall it could be worse.
There is a lot to look forward to.
I am precious to many.



I need more off days.

so tired

so much to write about.

so little energy.

dear journal, forgive me of my injustice.

guillotine prepped and ready

I will find out after this weekend whether or not I will remain contracted to New York Life.


Strangely, I am very peaceful either way.


Could this be the fruit of............faith?

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I have just finished my breakfast and I'm watching some ice skaters grace around the rink.

It has been a tumultuous couple of days. Yet, I think I'm finally starting to see daybreak. I believe that whenever hardships come into one's life, it's akin to braving a storm. This is an important identification because storms, no matter how violent or how serene, all come to an end at some point. The duration of the storm is something entirely different. There are no guarantees. They can be gentle refreshments (such as an overnight shower). Or they can be tempests (hurricane Katrina). But it ends.

For the past two weeks I have been focused entirely on the elements surrounding me (I like to call it tropical storm Beluga). While there has been a lot on my plate, I think one reason I've been noticeably heavy the past several days is because my focus has been off. This is something that I have observed in the past, but for one reason or another have failed to take appropriate action regarding such. I still don't understand what's wrong with me.

tuesday was

better.

I never realized how the weather plays into one's mood. Although today was better than yesterday, there's still a lot up in the air.

Yesterday reached an all time low. I ended up crying actually. I was listening to Samuel Barber's adagio for strings and the music did something that triggered all these emotions.

Anger at how I was humiliated yesterday.
Sadness at how I don't really talk to Kristy anymore.
Confusion over my job.
Helplessness knowing I have zero control over all of it.



Pretty soon my whole head will be gray.

manic mondays

I'm feeling awful.

It started with this morning. I went to work today (actually pretty eager to get the day rolling and everything). When all of a sudden I got a text message saying that career builder today was in Brian's office. Brian isn't the most encouraging of people. But then again why should he be? He's paid his dues. Being the general manager of the Atlanta GO, it's technically his job to ride everyone just to make sure they're doing what they need to. This is how his life intersects mine.

The story basically boils down to Brian chewing me out because my numbers aren't where they should be at the moment. I could go on and on justifying my position (which I truly have some justification), but the bottom line is that my number isn't where Brian or NYL expects it to be. But what really got to me today was how Brian essentially humiliated me (and one other person) in front of everyone.

"You should take the next two weeks off and just quit."

There's lots of talk at the office about celebrating pain, but it's something else to just get told that straight up in your face. I have nothing but respect for Brian (he wouldn't be in the position he's in were it not for the hard work he has already done), but I think it's wise to consider alternative forms of motivation besides negative ones. Not everyone responds well to that BS.

In my case, all it did was discourage me.

Perhaps that was the whole point. He either wanted me to intensify my efforts or get off the bandwagon. I guess I responded favorably (I ended up setting four appointments today) but whatever. I mean it's like when you hit a horse with a whip. Sure he'll move faster. You'll probably be able to produce repeated results for a considerable amount of time. But how long until the horse's back gives out due to repeated abuse? That's why Jesus was so brilliant. He had every authority to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were relative to their standing before God. But instead, He truly saw people as they should be and not as they appeared at the moment. What a guy.

I better be careful with how this junk affects me. There's gunk buildup all around in my heart.

I feel like I was treated unfairly.
I feel frustrated because my work isn't paying off.
I feel disappointed because I let myself get in this position.
I feel angry because I can't get back at Brian.
Maybe I just feel jealousy because I'm not making as much money as Brian.


I feel a lot of things right now. And I'm losing focus.


Yet, I still have faith. If I work as hard as I can on my end, I can't be held accountable anymore.

I can only trust God for the rest.

I commit to writing to this more often

So much going on.

So little commitment to get my thoughts written down. Soon enough.

new day

help me stay focused Lord.

Help my joy be grounded on what is undeniably true instead of what seems to be consistently changing.

And lead me in the way of the everlasting.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Well it finally happened.

I was able to have the long awaited "DTR" talk with Kristy. And now, although it's going to suck tremendously, it seems agreed upon that we will simply no longer talk.

I guess the beginning starts with the rather unique set of circumstances leading up to our epic discussion. This week has been finals week for her so to try and encourage her, I create/sent her a "finals survivor kit." Such a kit includes the following items:

- homemade card from yours truly
- can of guarana (energy)
- bag of doritos (calories = energy)
- organic blend of blueberry, raspberry, and other juices (anthocyanin)
- fruit cup of blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry (anthocyanin)
- cup of pecans (folic acid)
- one apple (acetylcholine)

This was all conveniently packaged of course. So our conversation begins with her (freshly hungover from a night drinking) thanking me for being so sweet to her. The requisite small talk commences and soon enough we begin our DTR.

Honestly, all I wanted to do was be on the same page as her. There has been a whole lot of growing closer but should we be getting this close kind of feeling and I couldn't stand it anymore. If we're going to get deeper we had to be on the same page. If we didn't want to get that way I had to readjust my expectations for the relationship. So this was the approach I took. This ended up being a 1.5 hour conversation. Essentially here are the main points that I got:

- she's "fine" with the way things are now. The only time she can't stand it is when we fight over where our relationship going.
- her main concern is me allowing her to be simply who she is. And not trying to force anything on her.
- The closer she gets to me, the more she realizes how much she doesn't want to be with me.
- She doesn't want to be with me because she just doesn't "feel" anything for me.
- If she could have things her way (in a perfect world) we would just continue the way things are now.
- she doesn't understand why things have to be so complicated for me and I can't just let her be herself.

Anticipating all of this, I let her know that if she wanted me to just view her as a normal friend of mine, that I would be completely willing to do that. It's just that, given the type of person that I am, the "normal friend" category in my life is marginally better than mere acquaintance. This is the heart of where the tension is. Because she wants the level of closeness that we currently share, but she's unwilling to explore that bond any further. The rationale being that the only way to explore that further is that we would be dating (which as she highlighted numerous times is something that she doesn't want to do).

The whole time we talked I just felt like all she wanted to do was rub in my face how much she didn't want to date me. But the thing is I'm not even looking for that. Here's the way I see it:

1) There's a pretty strong connection between me and Kristy (agreed)
2) Said connection is something unfound as we are completely unlike each other (agreed)
3) Said connection is also what draws us to each other (Fred 1 Kristy 0)
4) Why not pursue that connection and see how deep it goes?

But all of this is neither here nor there.
She views me as just a friend.
I view her as more than a friend.
And, for now, the strategy is to get me back to the place where I view her simply as a friend.


It's too bad that we'll probably end up sacrificing our friendship altogether to get there.

Ahh, humble

You do not delight in sacrifice
or I would bring it
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart,

O God, you will not despise.



No wonder.

Friday Morning Thoughts

I love quotes!

"Whatever...You are easily replaceable." - Kristy Tran




Yet here I am missing her like crazy.

definitely wishing I could be normal

In continuing the thought from yesterday, I have unearthed even more evidence that I'm probably not from earth.

- I realized when looking at all my pictures that I don't have any pictures of friends. I don't really have pictures of people in general. There's the occasional group of friends here and there but I am mostly taking pictures of really random objects/things. Who does that anyway?

- I've never been the type to "party." All my friends are into letting loose and just having fun. My version of fun is simply laughing and doing something weird (like listening to a great story). Or, I choose to do stuff that's more meaningful...like write something to someone or Someone. I figure we only have a short amount of time here on earth so why waste it being self-centered?

- I just found out that if I don't produce 8750 of FYC by the end of may my contract will be terminated. Sweet.

- If I'm everything that Kristy wants in a boyfriend, why doesn't she want me to be her boyfriend? It just doesn't make any sense.

- Sometimes I just think and think and think about stuff and never just kind of sit back and watch. I enjoy figuring things out even when they aren't meant to be figured out. Like women. I very well may give up on love in general.

- And, for that matter, any hope that there is still a friendship left to salvage/hope for with her/them.

- There better be a heaven. All this patience better be worth it.



And in the end, I'm thankful that I have been graced with a modicum of insight to recognize, full and well, how arrogant I'm becoming. Out of my frustration due to my inability to correct certain aspects of my life, I've developed a chauvinistic mentality regarding my own intelligence.

How truly awesome would it be if, instead of just randomly blurbing my tangent thoughts in bullet format, I simply responded with confidence that I may not know as much as I think I do. And maybe, just maybe, God really does want the best for me and is writing my story in a way that's fitting for a unique little character like me. I'm sure he's having to make crossouts for the parts I keep trying to write myself, but in the end it's his epic and my job to be a supporting lead.

But I don't.

resident...alien?

C.S. Lewis has a quote that is pretty awesome.

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." I love it. In this context (Mere Christianity), CS is alluding to the fact that it's likely that our time here on earth is but a mere whisper; and we would be wise to maintain proper perspective concerning such things. In other words, that there are greater things yet to come and that this world, as great as it may seem sometimes, is not really our home.

Lately, I couldn't agree any more.

I've been in a great little stretch where I've been such a screw up and failing people. Others, whom I once considered so dear, are now something far different in my life. Then there's the infinite gray in between. I wish I could fix everything but I have no control over anything. If I wanted to speak Christianese, this is where I would say "Good thing I have a God who doesn't change." and all this other blah blah. And, while I agree that that statement is 100% relevant and 100% true, it doesn't always mean that I will apply that truth as such.

I guess lately I've just been searching for a friend. A fred godoy for fred godoy. But I guess I'll just have to wait.

i've been thinking

I don't really know as much as I think I do.


humility.

update!

Ok. I'm going to be intentional about this.

There has been a lot that hasn't been written down. I guess I could start with work. It's been hard finding a rhythm ever since getting back from Brasil. The way the job works, it's hard to find two people everyday to sit down with if you aren't extremely intentional about it. I've been having to really hustle to get back in a groove. Thankfully, I've been managing and God has been sending people my way. I guess all in all things are optimistic; but there are still huge goals that must be met otherwise I could ultimately end up with a terminated contract. That would be bad.

On a personal front, things are much more complex. On one hand, I am really enjoying the place that I'm at. My small group is growing dynamically and the direction is toward a more intimate environment. At church I am starting to grow in that more and more people are starting to see what a quirky person I am...and it's blowing their minds away. I guess the whole "listen before you speak" mentality only stuck to me? Whatev. The friendships that I am in currently couldn't be any more thankful for me. I owe this completely to the capital G; after all, they aren't gravitating toward me--just the God in me. Or something like that.

On the other hand, there's the hot mess of a situation that I'm really in the thick of regarding Ms. Kristy Tran. I don't even know where to start with it. I like her so much. I mean SOOOO much. But it drags me down so much. You see, there is this ridiculous game of cat and mouse that we play. Where she is the cat and I'm the hopeless mouse that repeatedly steps into her traps.

What has happened is that our friendship has evolved. It began on a normal level (you know the whole first meet wow what a cool person kind of ordeal) and just kind of stayed that way. Then, our contact began to increase with regularity. It started with talking on the phone then hanging out consistently (normal stuff honestly). Naturally, as things do when they take this sort of trajectory, we got closer and closer. Follow this progression to about where it stands right now where we would both identify the other as someone of tremendous, that is irreplaceable, value. Enter the conflict.

For me, this intimacy has come with emotion. This is the first person I've been genuinely attracted to since Glorie. This has been met with great caution from all sides. She is not a Christian, her mindset is completely different from mine, as well as the fact that she still has a lot of issues that need to be addressed. Yet, despite all of this, I choose her. Not because of anything particular...but I think it's more of a combination of how different she is from me as well as our amazing chemistry. I love spending time with her it's that simple.

For her, the sentiment is generally the same. Except for the fact that she isn't quite as attracted to me romantically. To quote her, "You're everything I want in a guy except for a few small things." Those "things" being that I'm not vietnamese or catholic enough for her. Not to belittle these criticisms, but is that really all she has? I mean if anything I feel bad for her because she doesn't know what she's missing out on in terms of true relationship with God. I'm out of my mind for speaking like this, but if she could only taste God I think she would lose her mind. So, to throw that in my face, is just a little weird for me. This is especially true when one considers that she says "I feel closer to God because of you." to me. Blah.

I really can't understand her. I mean if she finds so much in me that she loves, doesn't it make sense for her to want that for herself? Like exclusively? And everytime I approach her with that topic she gets defensive. It's so stupid. I feel like she wants all the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment. It's frustrating and it's bothering me. Yet I continue to serve her like a little dummy. Maybe this is what I deserve?

All this said, it just made me start thinking about how I've been wired anyway. I feel like my patience is such that it becomes a fault. I mean to this day I still actively think/pray for Glorie and I haven't heard from her in a hot minute. They've clearly moved on and yet here I am just kind of waiting for a friendship to resume. Oh well.

I'm trying to find God out of all this. I trust in His sovereignty. Tell me God are you still there?

I know You are.
I know You are.

I'm just looking in all the wrong places.

need to get caught up so bad

I miss writing so bad!

But I still can't spend this time writing. But, just so I don't lose any rhythm, I'd like to spend this time at least getting down the thoughts that I've been pondering.

- It's risky to love. The greater you love the greater the potential for equal pain. The pinnacle example of this is Jesus.

- Unity is underrated. When's the last time anyone ever chose to walk away from true community?

- Friendships, at their purest form, require reform. That is, each person challenges the other(s) to become a better person. This is executed perfectly when the focus is on Christ but still beneficial even to non believers. So, why does it seem like we can get content with friendships just because they have long history?


That is all--for now.

my day

- tried to rick roll a lot of people. (Failure)

- wanted to send glorie an email/text/call (failure..but that's good?)

- had client cancel 3 policies on me (epic failure)

- got called names cold calling (failureish)

- didn't die cause of allergies today (win!)

- focused on Christ when it was hard (win win!)

- overstayed my welcome at a friend's house (fail)



Overall I guess I'm still holding up. Trying to keep my chin up you know? Sometimes I wish I could just come to someone (i.e. a gf) to just say what's on my mind and them just accept me and embrace me. That was the best.

But I guess for now I'll just depend on other things. Like God.

What a thought.

tired.

Pretty tired at the moment but I think I'm onto something.

There's a question that was proposed to me today that I think everyone would benefit from asking themselves.


why?


Why am I going to work today?
Why am I working at (x) employer?
Why am I pursuing a relationship with God?


The application is endless.

It still needs refining, but I think this could be the start of something big. Too tired to expound. So much video editing ):

Ever had that feeling where you don't know where to start?

It's been just under a week since I've been back.

"Wow" seems to be the only words that come out. Honestly. I've been trying to unpack everything (little by little), but work has really been consuming my time. I haven't really been producing (producing defined here as applications turned in), and thus they get on my case when I leave the country for a week. It's ok (I hope). So, the updates have been slower than I had anticipated.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. The picture sums it all up. There's a lot of blue in my sky right now. And there's even strategically placed palm trees to liven things up a bit. Note how my picture isn't exactly blemish free, but it's oh so happy.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We celebrated by spending $1300 at Fogo de Chao (this would be the 2nd time in two weeks, mind you, that I ate at a Brasilian churrascaria). The night was festive enough but only exacerbated my desire to be back in Brasil and speak portuguese again. And speaking of which (pun intended) I got a random text message from good ol' praiselynn. Apparently the card I sent was received. Hooray!

Today we mostly spent celebrating Jessica's birthday. She turned the prime age of one and there was a festival enjoyed by all. Ok, perhaps it wasn't a festival (and by all, I mean all of the Godoy family) but we did celebrate with her. She had a dress on and even wore a tiara. It epitomized the meaning of the word "awwwwwwwwwww."

Guess that's it for now. Nothing profound. Just stating the facts.

Finally here

I've been traveling for more than 14 hours now. I'm exhausted.


And excited! Oi! Bem-vindo!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Well, here I am.

It's been a tumultuous 5 days, but I'm finally able to just sit down and express. It's interesting really. The rest of my team is a few isles over carrying about in their random riff-raff. I'm against a column patiently waiting for our flight to leave for San Paolo. I guess this kind of encapsulates me in a sense. I've always been the "off" one.

Lately, I've been pretty sad. Nothing particularly dramatic has happened. But, I think that a lot of my emotions are due to the fact that I place seemingly unattainable expectations on people. Not that I demand that my friends be this way or that way; it's simply that I expect my friends to act in a manner that reflects how I may treat them.

Kristy has been a sterling example of this.

The understanding is that I am one of her most cherished friends. The valuation is likewise. However the tension lies in the expectations. I, for one reason or another, have fallen head over heels for this woman. Knowing this, it has caused her to not act like herself. As a result stupid stuff seems to happen. Like her giving me the distinguished title of "most awkward person that I know" on my birthday of all days. And the small little arguments that we end up getting into for no reason at all. Sometimes I wish I could say to her "you know...how would you feel if I treated you the way that you treat me?" but it's kind of like taboo to say those things. And it sucks. Because it feels like I'm the one at fault for expecting more out of the friendship than she has. But shouldn't I expect great things from my friends?

Then there's additional tension between friends who expect so much from me. I try to be the most loyal and great friend to each and every person I truly consider close, but sometimes it can be rather fatiguing. I just wish some people would understand that as great as they think I am, I'm not superman. And it is likely that I will fail them at some point in the future.

This doesn't even include how easy it is for me to get hurt by Glorie again. I've tried to initiate small conversations but that has been hard as well. It's like her life has been in motion for so long and I've long missed my window to be a part of it. Which truly saddens me. Because I would do everything possible to slow my life if it meant it would be for her benefit. Alas, I think I'm beginning to understand that Glorie just doesn't see me the way I view her. Because it doesn't matter that all this BS happened between us in the past. I still choose to view her as Glorie. Even though I'm clearly not fred to her anymore.




Gotta jet! We're boarding.

Don't fret!

There shall be a true post soon.

There's a few items on my plate that I've been delicately juggling and I'm...managing. Said items include, but are not limited to,

- Brazil in 9 days? Holy mother of grail.

- 6 appointments in 4 hours. Beat that hot shot.

- Undeniable vs unexplainable.

- She said I was easily the best at making people around me incredibly uncomfortable.

- Praise didn't say happy birthday to me. Not a requirement...no. But noticeably omitted. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she had no desire. Maybe she wasn't allowed? Maybe she was unsure. Whatever the case I definitely noticed. And, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (perhaps foolishly).

- Obama isn't the devil people. And His decisions aren't signs of an upcoming apocalypse. True leadership comes from recognition that there's a greater Leader. Honestly, it starts with that principle understanding.

- I miss Glorie.

- They have me serving almost every weekend between NP and BC. I suppose burnout will come at some point.

- Influence comes with respect. Respect comes with authority. Authority starts with servanthood. That's the way.

- oh snapz!!!

Friday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday one of my small group members asked me a question.

"I was going to get you a game but I didn't know if you'd play it. Seriously, what do you want for your birthday?"
"Honestly you don't have to get me anything."
"There's nothing that you want?"
"I want mostly intangible things."
"Like what?"
"...I'd love a reconciled relationship with Glorieanne. That's a great starting point."




Yeah. Still very much there. 2 years after the fact even.

Not to say that there hasn't been any progress; because there have been hints of what "could be."

But I want my best friend back. That would be awesome.

3:52 AM

I won money playing poker.

more than 3 times what I put in even.



Yet all I kept thinking about was her.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't get it at all.

Here I am as excited as anything about our day together. It was supposed to be splendid. The goal was to meet up early so that we can begin "study day." Then we would go our separate ways to go fulfill our various commitments.

But, as things often do in my world, events didn't naturally transpire the way that I envisioned them to in my head.

In my anxious state, I woke up bright and early this morning to start my journey to the local library. I thought I would be thoughtful and grab a nice little bite for my friend (oh, yes I'm talking about Kristy) since it was likely hunger would surface at some point during the day.

As I'm sitting and eating my breakfast, she calls. She had clearly just woken up and had spent all last night making music. I thought that was really cool. But it dawned upon me that she probably wouldn't even be in the atlanta area for another 2 hours. "It's cool. I'll just roll with it." became the sentiment.

Somewhere along the way in the 4 hours I was studying myself (which was brutal btw), I started to consider the fact that perhaps I was more enthralled about our day than she was. She finally arrived and let me know that she got carried away playing with her niece and nephew.



This is all to say that, for the 4 hours we've been studying now, it's slowly starting to dawn on me that it's likely that I'm putting more into the friendship than she is. Today in particular she seems very easily irritable. Like she was simply hanging out with me to fulfill some obligatory need.

But who wants a friend like that?

Oh well. I suppose I'll do what I always do and just keep serving her the best that I can. A lot of my friends have said that I'm wasting my time...but I truly digress. I'm not going about hopelessly praying for some change in direction or something; but I have peace knowing that all of the investment that I'm making will stand distinguished forever and ever. If, for one fortuitous reason, God is able to plant a seed in her life through me then it will all be worth it.

I just wish I didn't like her so bad -_-

):

I feel like an idiot.

Big God in small earth

I took this photograph the other day.

There's nothing particularly creative or anything about the shot, but if you glance too quickly you'll miss what makes the picture so awesome. Did you see it? You know...God?

The shadow, whether one admits it or not, forms a smiley face on the headrest of my vehicle. The reason this is significant is that, paradoxically, God shows up BIG in the small places. I never thought about this until recently. And then the verse immediately came to me:

"11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a GENTLE WHISPER." 1 Kings 19

Look for God in the small places. You may even find Him smiling.

what what!

Passed my variables exam today. Talk about hip hop hooooooray!

That's 2 down 2 to go until I'm completely registered for your mutual funding pleasure (-;

the beauty of rejection

there's a funny way people can be when it comes to dismissing certain things.

Take my job for example. Today was NYL's "call-a-thon." All that really means is that we would go about our regular activities today with a specific focus on being on the phone to make more appointments. Only problem with me is that I've exhausted most of my friends who are actually willing to sit down with me. The other ones just say "we already have that covered" and don't even give me a chance to simply explain to them what it is that I'm doing in the first place. I mean c'mon. I'm not forcing a scorpion down anyone's throat; I simply ask for 20 mins and feedback at the end. Hasn't my friendship with [x] merited at least that? I suppose not.

So, this leads us to what I spent a considerable amount of time doing today--cold calling. I liken to compare cold calling to taking a shower in ice. Sure...you are technically more hygienic as a result but it's the most miserable process ever. So, more than 100 dials later, I still didn't make any appointments. Needless to say, "no" was the operative word of today. (as an aside, two of the people that I called passed away 2 years ago so that technically was a no--'twas just extremely awkward).

Then, to kind of put the cherry on top, my would be date for a particular wedding at the end of the month just informed me that they would not be able to join me in celebration. Now I normally wouldn't be bothered by this sort of thing (after all there was no obligatory contract signed or anything), but the timing of this response was just awful. I asked her well over 2 months ago if they would go ahead and put it on their calendar. The response was a tentative one, "ok I'll think about it but I have to see because I never know what will come up in my schedule." Fair enough.

January finally rolls around and still no answer. February rolls in and urgency starts to set in. I finally remind her wednesday.

"I'll let you know by Sunday."
"With respect, is there any way you can be for sure? Because my friend is making name tags and she wants to know who my +1 will be."
"I'll just have to see. I don't know yet."

Fittingly, tonight my friend calls to see if there had been a response with my indecisive prospect. I call said prospect.

"Oh I don't think I can go because I have to work."
"Well is there any way you can work half a day? Or can someone cover?"
"No because we opened up our new store and no one will be there to cover for me."
"...ok."


Now, this is particularly irritating, not because she said no to me, but because of the timing with which it was executed. I honestly couldn't care less that she said no, but at least have the courtesy to give me (and my friend for that matter) the time to make amends in lieu of the lack of commitment. It's not like she didn't know about it. I gave her 3 blasted months to plan ahead. If she knew that there was no way she could get out of work, perhaps that's something that would've been useful several weeks ago before the new shop was opened? It's just annoying. Why can't people be, at the very least, courteous?





then there are those rides home by yourself. Those quirky little God moments where He intervenes and casts light on one's own faults. And, although, in both of these instances I've clearly been treated with less respect than I deserve, it doesn't give me any right to complain about anything. In fact, I have no grounds to even begin contemplating how unfair the situation is. Rather, how profound would it be if I just embraced the whole thing just grateful for the opportunities?

Instead of complaining about how many people won't set appointments with me, just being grateful that I have a job (especially in light of the ever increasing layoffs).
Instead of complaining about how stupid someone acted in terms of their poor handling of an invitation, being joyful of the fact that I'm able to celebrate the union of a dear friend?


Perspective changes everything.

small groupin it

Tonight was quite an interesting night.

It was the first time my small group was going to meet completely. You see, previously there had only been about 5 of us in tandem. Considering that ideally all of us agreed that 8 would be a number worth shooting for, we (and by we I mean me) attended grouplink in an attempt to get new members. New members were indeed added and tonight was the night everyone met each other.

The night started jovially enough. Casual talk. Casual greetings. The like. But things got intently intense during a specific portion of the night.

I shared how I couldn't, for the life of me, understand how I was such a dummy for a particular girl named Kristy. I mean, there's nothing that is utterly indescribable about her, but yet somehow the relationship has been conditioned to the point where logic, at least on my end, is completely thrown out of the window.

The conversation invariably traveled to the point as to whether or not we should date. I, in infinite confliction, articulated the crux of the dilemma. Although it is evident that our chemistry is that of legendary standards, the singular glaring difference between us is our faith. There is no debate to be had on this topic. I'm simply much more focused on living a life for God than she is. This sets up what Christian people call being "unequally yoked."

This leads us to how the conversation went tonight. One of the new members talked about why it wouldn't be so bad to date her after all. I rebutted how a difference in faith means a difference in foundation from the very start (meaning bad, bad, bad). And, when it comes down to it, I should be in a posture to want to obey the bible. He didn't understand that concept. In his eyes, simply believing in God but not necessarily following the bible would be sufficient.

I don't think so.

Were that the case, perhaps it would be a wise idea to go about fornicating wildly until every fleshly pleasure gets satisfied. Or perhaps it would likewise be ideal to parade around in drunken revelry with utter disregard to how one should present themselves. After all, we would all still believe in God right?

The night ended with me simply stating that there are often times in my life where I am naturally inclined to go in one direction that is contradictory to the direction that the bible wants me to go. And it is at that time that it is most crucial for me to voluntarily choose the bible over me.

Because there is such thing as ultimate truth. And that, instead of my own will power to do whatever, is what my faith is vested in.

just a thought

I could probably glorify God 1,000,000x more with my life if I would just get out of my own way.

Saturday Night Thoughts

I went to a pretty weird church tonight.

Well, I use the term "weird" pretty loosely. This particular church was an Iglesia Ni Cristo (Church of Christ). I had never been to one of these but a friend from work invited me. I'm pretty solid in terms of what I believe already so I figured hey what's the harm?

It turned out to be quite the night.

I knew something was amiss immediately as I looked at the sanctuary. Everyone was solemnly facing forward. It was almost funeral like...sans a coffin in the front. Then I observed the curious way that guys were sitting on one side of the room and girls were sitting on the other. Then there was the fact that all of the staff was wearing different flavors of green. "Fred, don't judge a book by its cover." I thought as I politely found my seat.

We sang songs that I didn't know to begin with. The man next to me was delightful to say the least. As he sang with all of his heart, I couldn't help but notice him pronouncing the words in trademark taglish (that's tagalog-engligh I should say). His accent was incredibly joyous and I'm sure God soaked it all in. We prayed at the culmination of the singing session with which, ever so often, the congregation would unanimously respond by saying "yes, Father." Different...but still cool.

Eventually the speaking portion of the evening arrived. I notice immediately that the reverend neither introduced himself nor was introduced by a fellow member. He must be humble not to do that. But then the meat of the night was rather interesting (in a bad way).
The topic at hand was how to determine whether or not someone was a Christian and specifically how to obey God so that one can be prepared for the end times. Normally, I'm not that intimidated by eschatology, and this night proved no different. However, the more and more that the reverend started teaching, the less and less I agreed with him. Specifically there are three things that stood out as key misunderstandings.

1) They believe that the Trinity is man-made fabrication and that there is only one God (the Father). Specifically, the belief is that Jesus was nothing more than a sent man from God.

2) They believe that one cannot enter heaven through faith alone.

3) One specific statement that really got under my skin was that "if we are disobedient to God, we are the equivalent of trash to Him."


I was actually glad I went tonight. I think it's incredibly important for everyone to be challenged in what they believe. And, from a Christian perspective, if someone is talking about the bible, to be able to talk bible straight back to them and defend WHY it is you believe what you do. Although I didn't delve into much theological banter tonight, I left even more thankful for Jesus. And, while others may have disagreed with me, they knew I was solid where I stood. And it was great.

Oh, and not to mention several very attractive people in the room. d(^_^)b