Thursday, February 28, 2008

Transparency

It's bothering me badly.

Of all the wonderful greetings yesterday the one I anticipated most was absent. I don't really know what to make of that.

Justifications have been flying back and forth in my head. Apparently she arrived yesterday. Perhaps she was simply exhausted. It may have been completely on her mind but she just fell asleep. That would be ok with me.

But the other possibility is what is bothersome. What if she simply doesn't care? What if she doesn't even remember? What if she wasn't allowed to contact me? What if she didn't make contact intentionally? Those are all frightening possibilities.

Yesterday, as the the day slowly crawled from the 27th to the 28th, I found myself locked in prayer. My mood changed. I was so grateful for this past year on so many different levels. I was blown away at the journey that God single-handedly carried me through.

But, I felt empty.

The singular thing I desired yesterday (above all else) was simple contact. A text message...a phone call...a voicemail...a xanga posting...an email...a video...anything. That was what I hoped for. But I received nothing.

So, in today's spillover, I find myself just straight up sad. Maybe Glorie really doesn't care about me anymore. I guess I would like to know when exactly this shift in her took place but what difference would that make? My being more informed would have no effect on how much more (or less) she would care for me.


I presented all my thoughts to Christ but keep getting the same response.

"Those who wait upon the Lord will not grow tired or weary."
"Take my yoke and learn from me (for I am gentle and humble in heart)"
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him my Savior and My God."


In other words the only peace I found myself resting on was--"wait for ME."


Trust is the most curious lesson I've ever had to learn in my life.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I'm thinking Tuesday

Today was kinda weird.

I had a dream that I was talking with one of the people on my mission team. We discussed music and Jesus and then something happened and then there was screaming and suddenly I woke up. Now that I think about it, I guess that was typical of my dreams. Go figure.

I also got into a pretty serious argument with my mom. She seems to be so stressed out lately. I get so frustrated by it because I feel that some of her problems are so avoidable. These opposing philosophies were bound to clash at some point and I suppose today was the day.
Put simply, I ended up being rather vocal about my displeasure in some of her decisions. The problem is, I was vocal to a fault. My tone ended up changing to complete disrespect. I don't need to be talking to ANYONE in that manner. How much more tragic is it that I ended up talking to my own mother that way? It was shameful.
Throughout the day I was bothered by the whole altercation. I prayed immediately after the fact that God would simply reveal truth to me (and to humble me if I needed to). Sure enough I realized just how enormous my idiocy was.
I came to my senses and apologized to her (before the sun came down no less!). In that moment I uncovered something rich.

I am certain that my mom felt the same uneasiness that I felt the entire day. However, no great progress could be made until I humbled myself to the point of apology. Did my mom need for me to say sorry in order to move on from the situation? No. But me doing it was the critical first step to reconciliation...and it made all the difference. I hope to take apply this lesson to all my future conflicts.


To end the day, I received two voicemails. Both contained very kind greetings; they just came a day early. Oh well. I'm not complaining.




Tonight I will pray for my team. Specifically for Christ to really take root in all of our lives. After all, how can we go to another place to share God if we know very little of Him in the first place? We must first be impacted on a personal level before we can be impactful.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Ready, Set, Go?

5 more days 'til it's game time and I still don't think it's hit me yet.

I had such high aspirations for myself for this pre-mission time but have fallen far short of my expectations. I thought I'd be the most awesome person ever (hence being the most awesome college missionary) but I only affirmed the fact that I'm an idiot. It hasn't been anything extremely significant (as in I haven't killed anyone or anything like that), but it's really been small things adding up. I think too much about petty things. I don't widen my focus enough to view this life with proper context. It's tragic.

Simply, I keep resorting back to imitation Gods. I find myself battling lust frequently just cause I don't think God is trustworthy with my heart. I don't let joy capture my life simply because I don't believe that God can satisfy. Where does all of this come from anyway? Is my faith really that small?

Needless to say, this is hardly the posture that I wanted to enter Mexico with. Thankfully, I still have a week to learn much from Him. It started yesterday with a reminder that I can't do anything apart from Christ. What a thought. I hope God honors my faith. I'm taking this a baby step at a time.


Today my prayer is for myself. That I would realize (and continually be reminded that I can't do anything apart from Him). That I would grow in humility, in faithfulness, and in hunger for growth. I desire to be completely focused from here on out.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I was watching a neat documentary called Galapagos yesterday.

This BBC created movie is about the little island by the same name. Prior to viewing this film I thought that the only thing in existence with that moniker "Galapagos" was the Galapagos turtle (I like to call them G-turts). Never did I once consider that there could be an island of the same name (nor, for that matter, a wondrous environment all the same).

I was so wrong.

As I sat down and just absorbed the breathtaking images, I found myself amazed with all the animals I was watching. I'm far from an animal lover, but I found something curiously addicting about the creativity inherently expressed in these animals. I saw fish (even fish of the jelly variety) of LITERALLY every color in the spectrum. I saw seagulls with the wild rings of red around their eyes. I saw dragons literally jumping from cliffs into the ocean. There were even birds wearing the most fashionably blue webbed feet. It was stellar.

This naturally led me to thinking about Who was creating these animals in the first place. As a I pursued that thought, I considered the possibility of someone/something other than God creating all of these animals. If it were possible, I concluded, it is merely the most amazing anomaly in the history of man. I thought about thinking even deeper but didn't want to waste my time.

So I just sat and smiled. I grew so appreciative of how creative God is. When it got to the part where they filmed the eels that hide on the ocean floor, I thought about the other dynamic of these cool animals--their food. I thought that not only would I probably never visit Galapagos, I am not affected by any means by these animals. Yet, God is extremely interested in these animals; even involved in the intricacies of their diet.

Then the verses started flooding my head.

Not a single sparrow falls to the ground apart from the will of God.
We think we're slick with our fishing skills even though we fail to remember that we're nothing compared to the leviathan.
He can number the hairs on our head!
He calls the stars by name.
He can hold the Pleides in His hands and wouldn't break a sweat.

And what more...He's FAR more interested in us than he is any of those things.


At the end of the day, I found myself concluding the very same thing that G.K. Chesterton did so long ago. Nature is not our mother. Nature is our sister. Since we are of the same Father, we can simply sit back and admire.

And admire I happily did.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Why Eugene Peterson Rocks

“We must pray who we actually are, not who we think we should be. In prayer, all is not sweetness and light. The way of prayer is not to cover our unlovely emotions so that they will appear respectable, but expose them so that they can be enlisted in the work of the kingdom.”

-taken from Answering God

Monday, February 18, 2008

Monday Musings

The weekend was pleasant. I got to celebrate the 50th anniversary of a couple from my old church. I find that absolutely amazing. To spend 50 years with ANYONE is a feat in and of itself. This is especially true in the current society where filing divorce papers seems to be as common as filing taxes.

Naturally I thought back of Glorie. We always talked of our future marriage. It's tragic that they remained mere words.

When it came down to reaffirming the vows, Charles said one of the most genuine things I've ever heard in my life. I'll never forget it:

"Merle, I took you as my wife 50 years ago today. I loved you back then and I still love you now. If I had to do it over again, I'd marry you any day of the week. I love you." *kiss*


What a guy.

To commemorate, they handed out swans at the celebration. I have taken the liberty of capturing a digital image of said swans (these two are of the clear variety) and want to share it here.


Now the scary part...those rings that are on the swans' necks? They fit my hand perfectly.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

La la la

why sleep when you can stay up going mad with your thoughts?

Friday, February 15, 2008

Friday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Obviously thoughts of her were inevitable, but I wasn't as sad as I thought I'd be. Instead, I discovered that I may be further along in the healing process than I thought. Whenever I was reminded of her, there was an equal [opposite] thought that she wasn't thinking about me. I'd like to think that our relationship was special enough to her that she'd miss me just a little but maybe I wasn't special to her. It's odd really. Maybe I'm just entering a numb phase of this process.

Vocationally, school has been rather trying. I barely passed two of my tests last week [but got among the top 10% on my quiz in another]. I may drop my abnormal psych class. I find it interesting but self-interest can only go so far if the class itself is unbelievably dry. School in and of itself has been kind of bleh for me though.

Spiritually, I'm on a pretty intense roller coaster. Sometimes I walk side-by-side (step-for-step) with Him. Other times I bathe in my sin. It creates this really disgusting feeling inside of me. I feel like I make the Cross cheap. It was times like this when Glorie proved so wonderful. When I would confide in her, she was simply encourage me and point me back to the Savior. Saving me from me most.

Truly, it is times like this when it is of critical importance to know who you are and Whose you are. The most lethal weapon at the enemy's disposal is the finger of accusation. However, by the blood of Jesus, that weapon has been completely taken away from him. Therefore, we must always keep in mind that as trying as life becomes, we are the redeemed of God. In essence, we are the living reflection of I AM. As such, let us never succumb to the lies that we are worthless or pathetic or ugly or any of that crap. Instead, in light of the wonderful cross of Christ, we must always champion the FACT that we are who God says we are.

Monday, February 11, 2008

364 Days

It will have been one year exactly tomorrow.

It's startling to consider just how dramatically things change given one year. I would have never believed that things would have unraveled the way that they have. I suppose that's Life.


I still think about you my wonderful friend. I still wonder what's going on in your head. Still consider how profound your impact will be for the Kingdom. Still contemplating ways to make you sharper.

I miss you.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

What a sunday too!

Today I got to celebrate the baptism of my friend Sam. The only other time I remember cheering louder was during graduation.


"Therefore if anyone is in Christ behold they are a new creation. The old is gone the new is come."

What a weekend

Yesterday and today I had the pleasure of spending time with my Mexico group. Our meetings have been nice thus far, but man was this weekend ever so sweet. We had the pleasure of staying in a cabin over at Lake Lanier. Yesterday and today I was able to be a part of one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced in my life.

The intent of our retreat was to promote unity within our group. Since we are a team, it would be foolish to go down to Merida unless we were, well, a team. As such, we could not fully comprise a true team until we became more familiar with each other. Thus the retreat.

Naturally, part of what we did was share our testimonies with each other. Therein lies the beauty. It was just radically different this time around. Instead of hearing mere words, I was experiencing the replay of life. Tears became standard currency and hearts were in one accord in complete brokenness.

However, the most jubilant part was the fact that every single story ended with redemption. Although our backgrounds were entirely different, the chorus of Jesus rang true every single time a story was told. Tears continued flowing from all of our faces but they flowed from joyful hearts. Smiles lit up the room and laughter warmed it. It was surreal.

On the way home I just dwelled upon our weekend. I've never felt so privileged to be a part of a team so wonderful. What more, I've never been so blown away by God. There's something that's just indescribably curious about the love of God. I couldn't stop smiling all the way home.

It was stellar.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Thoughtful Thursday

Lisa, my dear friend who expressed the common sentiment of "I love Leviticus", recently shared something profound with me. I was sharing with her how rich I'm finding the Old Testament to be and just how much I'm learning about God through mundane things like the law. To this she responded with the following:

"The wonderful thing about the bible is this: when you read the new testament, you really start to fall in love with Jesus. When you read the old testament, you really start to fall in love with God the Father."


I would agree. However, there is but one phrase that should be used as an addendum to what she said.


When you read the New Testament, you really start to fall in love and cherish Jesus.
When you read the Old Testament, you really start to fall in love and cherish God the Father.
When you simply go through Life, you really start to fall in love and cherish the Holy Spirit.


Amen? Amen.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Discovering Joy

I was reading through John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted" when inevitably I encountered the chapter concerning joy. I've heard a lot about joy and thought it would be a sleep-a-thon when I started reading.

I was right.

However, I did find one thing that got drilled into my head the more and more I thought about it. It was a reference to Psalm 118:24. It's the verse that says "this is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I'm quite familiar with this verse. Yet, the thing that made it new to me was the fresh way with which the author unpacked the loaded implications of the verse. Today is the day that the Lord has made. Be sure to note that it doesn't say anything along the lines of "Yesterday was God's day...how joyful was then" or "Tomorrow will be the best day ever--until then I'll just have to put up with everything."

The truly challenging implication of this verse is that it forced me to address the fact that my joy won't magically come once my conditions change. Consider the small context:

- Once I FINALLY graduate, will joy start flowing through my life more completely than before?
- Will life be that much more satisfying once I get a new car?

The tie-in to the big context should be obvious by now:

- Will my pleasure be all the more complete if I get to talk to Glorie again?
- Do I begin my celebration only when issues are resolved between my family and the Santos family?


Note that these thoughts do not, by any means, disregard the seriousness of any of the matters. It's important to graduate just as much as it's important to address the "stuff" between my family and hers. However, the truly significant thing to always keep in mind is that those issues are never going to be the beginning of joy. In other words, if joy is going to happen, it must begin today.

All of this said, I find it easy to talk a big game but not so easy to follow through. I can charade around my Christian friends with some mask pretending as if I have all the joy in the world, but what good would that do? The fact of the matter is, I've always found difficulty balancing the reality of the sadness from some things in my life and the joy of knowing Christ.


However, I have discovered something wildly intriguing. In this whirlwind of a journey I have found that the more often I focus on my situation (and thus myself), the more infinite my depression. Hopeless would in fact be the more precise word. On the other hand, the more that I focus on Christ (thus realizing that my life isn't even about me), the more blissful life seems to become. Perhaps it is for this very reason that so many people (in very sad situations) were able to exude pure joy. Elites such as Mother Teresa, St. Paul the apostle, St. Francis of Assisi, and Dietrich Bonhoeffer must have made this connection early on in order to display such elation (despite their daily circumstances). Distilled in its purest form, the truth boils down to a singular question: "Is Christ enough?"

But is He?

Monday, February 04, 2008

The advertising winner is:



Amp energy drink!

Honorable mention:



Coca-Cola!



Quick facts for your trivial pleasure:

- Super Bowl XLII was the most watched Super Bowl ever. 97.5 million viewers watched the program far passing the previous record of 94.08 million viewers.

- Super Bowl XLII was the 2nd most watched program ever (right behind the series finale of M*A*S*H which 106 million people watched).

- Although the numbers are pretty gross ($3M = 30 seconds of time), considering the viewership, the ads were a sound investment. Paying roughly $0.03 to reach every 1 person is an unbelievable value for advertisers. Considering the "sticking" power of the Super Bowl itself, one could even assert that the $3M spent was a "steal."

Friday, February 01, 2008

Friday Night Thoughts

Tonight was a typical weird night for me.

I didn't do anything particularly special during the day. Worked and the like. When I got home I practiced the set list I was to play for our bible study. Now that I think of it, I don't really know how I ended up in that little role. I'm not any good. Maybe we just can't find anyone else?

Anywho, the bible study was really great. Half of our group was missing but thankfully Kuya Alain and Ate Nice showed up. What more, God decided to show up BIG tonight. It was great just singing praises to the King and just having intellectually stimulating conversations about Him. It's kind of cool what can happen when you decide to be expectant. Although we were all pretty bummed that we couldn't continue our study for tonight (that's kinda what happens when you are missing 2/3 of your group), it was nonetheless encouraging to rediscover the fact that God is awesome even without a lesson plan.

Some things came up during the night that reminded everyone of Glorie so that was kinda awkward. Everyone did the whole "should we ask or should we not" body language that I've grown rather accustomed to by now. Oh well.

The drive home was tranquil. I reflected on the night and realized that I was the only non married person that went to the study. One thing stuck with me that I couldn't quite understand (cause I didn't have kids). The thought shared was that whenever your kids go through something, as a parent you feel their hurt so much more. Everyone agreed heartily with the assessment. So, driving home, I thought about my parents.

As I was making my letters yesterday, I got a hold of my mom's address book. While perusing for addresses, among the very first pages were some particularly noteworthy names. Tita Edna, Tita Belle, Tita Maricor, and even Raychill's mom were all in the book. I never contemplated just how well my mom got along with all of Glow's family. I got sad pretty quickly. Not only was my mom heartbroken cause I was so devastated, but she probably felt hurt on a personal level just because she considered Tita Maricor one of her better friends. It's tragic.

For so long my mom has tried to resolve this situation all on here own. But she can't. No one can. Yet, this is the first time I've ever wanted to resolve the situation. Not solely for me now though; now I see how it's affecting her as well.