So the church I am currently attending challenged the congregation to write down their story in 100 words or less. Here would be my response:
"I don't pretend to know everything about Christianity nor claim to be the most devout follower in this faith. However, the one thing that I have come to the realization of is this:
The more I investigate this Person named Jesus, the more I find my focus dramatically shifting from myself to other people."
Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday Morning Thoughts
So I just read on Glorie's blog that she's doing better than ever. For the first time, in a really long time I assume, she has her satisfaction found. Instead of placing her joy on the crumbling foundations that are composed of other people, she has instead chosen to fixate her focus on the One who doesn't crumble. The unfailing, faithful One. I'm happy for her.
It seems as if Alicia is going to extend her program because she is finally going to get to play a character for the Walt Disney Corporation. She will be staying until August while I will leave in May. She seems really happy about it. I'm happy for her. I sure will miss her though...however limited our friendship was.
Megan, the really pretty girl at Speedway, has decided to be nice to me for the past two days. I wonder what she's up to. It's probably some contrived trick aimed at embarassing me. Perhaps it's authentic kindness designed to stimulate what could possibly be a friendship. Who knows. I'll just keep being me and see what happens.
David Crowder Band is recording a new album. From the little snippets that I've heard thus far, I feel that it's going to be incredible. I can't wait for it.
Personally, I feel like I'm slowly changing my perspective of myself. I'm in the process of transforming from my negative view of myself into the positive. I still feel like I'm relatively average at many things...but that doesn't mean that I suck at a lot of things does it? Also, I think I'm finally going to give up chasing after so many things. I'm all in with this Christianity thing. Either Jesus is real, and everything I've been struggling to follow will pay off in the end...or Jesus isn't real, and I'm the biggest pity case that has ever graced this earth. If I want to be a better person it will have to start with Jesus being a bigger person in me. What a journey this will be.
It seems as if Alicia is going to extend her program because she is finally going to get to play a character for the Walt Disney Corporation. She will be staying until August while I will leave in May. She seems really happy about it. I'm happy for her. I sure will miss her though...however limited our friendship was.
Megan, the really pretty girl at Speedway, has decided to be nice to me for the past two days. I wonder what she's up to. It's probably some contrived trick aimed at embarassing me. Perhaps it's authentic kindness designed to stimulate what could possibly be a friendship. Who knows. I'll just keep being me and see what happens.
David Crowder Band is recording a new album. From the little snippets that I've heard thus far, I feel that it's going to be incredible. I can't wait for it.
Personally, I feel like I'm slowly changing my perspective of myself. I'm in the process of transforming from my negative view of myself into the positive. I still feel like I'm relatively average at many things...but that doesn't mean that I suck at a lot of things does it? Also, I think I'm finally going to give up chasing after so many things. I'm all in with this Christianity thing. Either Jesus is real, and everything I've been struggling to follow will pay off in the end...or Jesus isn't real, and I'm the biggest pity case that has ever graced this earth. If I want to be a better person it will have to start with Jesus being a bigger person in me. What a journey this will be.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Glee
Another fantastic day yesterday. I had my class which was kind of ok. I don't know why, but I'm starting to act more quirky in that class. It's starting to disturb some of my fellow classmates. I am delighted by this. Gave that Jackie girl another ride home. She's an interesting one. I'd like to see where our friendship winds up.
Work yesterday was pretty fast. I kept seeing so many pretty women just lining up to ride our attraction. I know I shouldn't be looking like that and stuff but man can girls look pretty or what. Yesterday they just came by the dozens. It was truly a great day to be a guy at the speedway yesterday.
To put the cherry on top of my day, I found out the greatest bit of news at the end of the night. You see, my ever so dear friend Alicia had her audition yesterday to be a Disney character. I was excited for her all day and couldn't wait to hear what happened. So, after arriving in Vistonia at around 11ish (after work of course), I called her. Many a story were shared and the arrived conclusion was that she got the part.
um..... YEAH YUH!
I knew she'd get it. You see, Alicia is one of the most talented people I know. I had complete confidence in her ever since I woke up yesterday. The Lord gets credit though. She wasn't feeling that well in the morning but she pulled through in the end cause of God's grace. Talk about a blessing. I am so happy for her. I think this will be a great oppotunity in her life.
On another note, apparently everyone at work thinks I'm gay. This is going to be a lovely 1.5 months...
Work yesterday was pretty fast. I kept seeing so many pretty women just lining up to ride our attraction. I know I shouldn't be looking like that and stuff but man can girls look pretty or what. Yesterday they just came by the dozens. It was truly a great day to be a guy at the speedway yesterday.
To put the cherry on top of my day, I found out the greatest bit of news at the end of the night. You see, my ever so dear friend Alicia had her audition yesterday to be a Disney character. I was excited for her all day and couldn't wait to hear what happened. So, after arriving in Vistonia at around 11ish (after work of course), I called her. Many a story were shared and the arrived conclusion was that she got the part.
um..... YEAH YUH!
I knew she'd get it. You see, Alicia is one of the most talented people I know. I had complete confidence in her ever since I woke up yesterday. The Lord gets credit though. She wasn't feeling that well in the morning but she pulled through in the end cause of God's grace. Talk about a blessing. I am so happy for her. I think this will be a great oppotunity in her life.
On another note, apparently everyone at work thinks I'm gay. This is going to be a lovely 1.5 months...
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Still thinking too much
I so desire a close friend.
At the same time I feel bad saying this because I feel as if Jesus should be my closest friend. The thing is, I feel like that is such a sunday school answer. I feel like that's the answer that I've merely manufactured; it's not what I truly feel represent my authentic response. I simply wish for someone to be close to.
Someone I can share my life with.
Someone who can see my uglyness...and not think any less of me as a result.
Someone I can have an amazing time with simply hanging out.
Someone who has an extreme contrast with my personality...that way I can learn even more about life.
Someone who is open with me.
Someone who I can be there for when they need me.
Someone who wants to serve Jesus just like I do.
Someone who won't desert me simply because they feel uncomfortable when I expose more of my real side.
Someone who doesn't maintain an image but instead chooses to bare their layers no matter the reprocussion.
Someone who would show me that they care about me.
Someone who will laugh at my jokes no matter how lame they are.
Where are you beloved friend? Why do I always brush fingers with you...only to discover a disenchanted tease? Rescue me from this billowing sadness. You are dearly needed.
At the same time I feel bad saying this because I feel as if Jesus should be my closest friend. The thing is, I feel like that is such a sunday school answer. I feel like that's the answer that I've merely manufactured; it's not what I truly feel represent my authentic response. I simply wish for someone to be close to.
Someone I can share my life with.
Someone who can see my uglyness...and not think any less of me as a result.
Someone I can have an amazing time with simply hanging out.
Someone who has an extreme contrast with my personality...that way I can learn even more about life.
Someone who is open with me.
Someone who I can be there for when they need me.
Someone who wants to serve Jesus just like I do.
Someone who won't desert me simply because they feel uncomfortable when I expose more of my real side.
Someone who doesn't maintain an image but instead chooses to bare their layers no matter the reprocussion.
Someone who would show me that they care about me.
Someone who will laugh at my jokes no matter how lame they are.
Where are you beloved friend? Why do I always brush fingers with you...only to discover a disenchanted tease? Rescue me from this billowing sadness. You are dearly needed.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Thursday morning thoughts
Another day another blessing.
This morning begins with promise. After having my devotional time in the morning, I was startled by a rather strong thud coming from the door. Upon exiting my room I find that the sound that I had previously heard came from the people who were set to inspect our apartment this morning. "Cool" I thought. We passed with flying colors and even got M&M cookies because we are so awesome. Cool indeed.
Yesterday was probably the best day I've had in awhile. I had the faux finance class which isn't necessarily a bad way to start your day, but something about getting up early now troubles me. No worries...after class I took one of my group members home to Chatham. We had a delightful time in the car where many a story were shared and many laughs were the direct result of said stories. I proceeded to Target to buy the very sick Alicia a get well card. The card was nice. The envelope was green. It was a great match.
I arrived at my residence to find my roomate wondering what in the world we would be eating for lunch. I volunteered to make chicken parmigiana (which, mind you, is something I have never made in my life. Oh the delight that soon followed. I had all the ingredients save for bread crumbs to...you know...bread the chicken. So, in homemade old school fashion, we decide to toast bread and make our own bread crumbs. I proceeded to cook the fettucine and prepare the chicken. Then the thought occurred to me, "is cooking meat in low heat really significant when it comes to that extra flavor that is so hottly desired?"
The answer? Yes. Oh yes.
When all was said and done, I ended up having the best lunch ever. Well, thinking about it now, it probably wasn't the best ever...but definitely the best since being down here in Florida. The accomplishment was so impressive that pictures were taken of my masterpiece. The press arrived at our doorstep. Emeril Legasse himself grew envious in his "BAM!" kinda of way. I ended up being recruited to be the next Iron Chef. 'Twas a great lunch. 'Twas.
Work wasn't that special unfortunately. It was a regular day. I did see a celebrity though. Mr. Allan Houston. Talk about a tall man. Fortunately though, work did nothing to bring down my day. The guests were really nice and the day just kind of went by you know?
The best news of all came perhaps at the very end of the night. The Atlanta Falcons, in typical Rich McKay brilliance, pioneered a trade that landed us two 2nd round picks for our backup QB. If that's not sexy I don't know what is. This did not prove to be welcoming news when I rubbed it in my roomates face. His face turned rather displeased within minutes. I laughed harder.
What a day. It ended with a fitting prayer at the end thanking the Lord for everything.
This morning begins with promise. After having my devotional time in the morning, I was startled by a rather strong thud coming from the door. Upon exiting my room I find that the sound that I had previously heard came from the people who were set to inspect our apartment this morning. "Cool" I thought. We passed with flying colors and even got M&M cookies because we are so awesome. Cool indeed.
Yesterday was probably the best day I've had in awhile. I had the faux finance class which isn't necessarily a bad way to start your day, but something about getting up early now troubles me. No worries...after class I took one of my group members home to Chatham. We had a delightful time in the car where many a story were shared and many laughs were the direct result of said stories. I proceeded to Target to buy the very sick Alicia a get well card. The card was nice. The envelope was green. It was a great match.
I arrived at my residence to find my roomate wondering what in the world we would be eating for lunch. I volunteered to make chicken parmigiana (which, mind you, is something I have never made in my life. Oh the delight that soon followed. I had all the ingredients save for bread crumbs to...you know...bread the chicken. So, in homemade old school fashion, we decide to toast bread and make our own bread crumbs. I proceeded to cook the fettucine and prepare the chicken. Then the thought occurred to me, "is cooking meat in low heat really significant when it comes to that extra flavor that is so hottly desired?"
The answer? Yes. Oh yes.
When all was said and done, I ended up having the best lunch ever. Well, thinking about it now, it probably wasn't the best ever...but definitely the best since being down here in Florida. The accomplishment was so impressive that pictures were taken of my masterpiece. The press arrived at our doorstep. Emeril Legasse himself grew envious in his "BAM!" kinda of way. I ended up being recruited to be the next Iron Chef. 'Twas a great lunch. 'Twas.
Work wasn't that special unfortunately. It was a regular day. I did see a celebrity though. Mr. Allan Houston. Talk about a tall man. Fortunately though, work did nothing to bring down my day. The guests were really nice and the day just kind of went by you know?
The best news of all came perhaps at the very end of the night. The Atlanta Falcons, in typical Rich McKay brilliance, pioneered a trade that landed us two 2nd round picks for our backup QB. If that's not sexy I don't know what is. This did not prove to be welcoming news when I rubbed it in my roomates face. His face turned rather displeased within minutes. I laughed harder.
What a day. It ended with a fitting prayer at the end thanking the Lord for everything.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
just being honest...
I miss hanging out with you. It made me so happy just spending time with you...doing absolutely nothing at all. Oh what I would give to experience such bliss once more.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Finally some time to breathe
It's been a long time hasn't it? That's what working 6 straight days will do to you. So the rundown of what's happened in my life for the past week is as follows:
- I'm starting to enjoy work a little bit more. I think it has become a result of me finding myself. I just came to the realization that it doesn't matter if I really am a Disney person. I used to think it was so uncool to be really enthusiastic and stuff about the small stuff that I do at work. For example, we have to say "No bumping. Have a great race!" before we let the go-karts drive away. Initially I was really opposed to saying this with any sort of flavor at all. Now, I simply feel great saying it and meaning it. It sounds cliche, but when will I ever have the chance to make this particular guest's experience magical ever again? Rather, by doing my part, I can make their vacation that much better simply by liking what I do. Imagine that.
- Things between Alicia and I have absolutely nose dived into the ground. We had a very important conversation the other night that probably determined the future of our friendship forever. In sum, I strongly believe we viewed our friendship completely differently. As a result there were expectations and signals being sent that probably wasn't intended to be there in the first place. Apparently I had been giving off the impression that I liked her a lot. Maybe I'm oblivious, but I really don't feel like I did such a thing. I honestly feel that, at the very most, I was merely reflecting back to her how she made me feel. I still feel like she's an awesome girl. I still think she's a very special person. She, even in her different methods, made me feel special back. I don't see anything romantic there.
Either way, Alicia proceeded to make certain that there was to be nothing going on between us. To the point where she said "I don't think we'll ever be boyfriend/girlfriend." Not that that was something I was necessarily aiming for (especially not now--the last thing I'm interested in is some fling), but talk about ouch. I've never felt that rejected in my life. It's as if she took my nuts and squeezed them together as hard as she could...it really just hurt that bad. Never in my life have I felt as ugly and unattractive as I did in that moment. All I wanted was a close friend. Now all I have is a dream that will never come true. Oh well. I really wanted it to be something special. I guess I just have to let go of what I want.
- I'm starting to just find myself more in general. I'm starting to be less attached to my image. Who cares that I am a nerd that visits tech websites everyday? Am I any less of a person just because I still have a backstreet boys CD in my CD case? Am I any less special because of what I did in the past? I am going to be a somebody in this small whisper we call life. It is my desire to be a major player in this story of God's. Through the Spirit, I will do great things. Just watch.
- I'm starting to enjoy work a little bit more. I think it has become a result of me finding myself. I just came to the realization that it doesn't matter if I really am a Disney person. I used to think it was so uncool to be really enthusiastic and stuff about the small stuff that I do at work. For example, we have to say "No bumping. Have a great race!" before we let the go-karts drive away. Initially I was really opposed to saying this with any sort of flavor at all. Now, I simply feel great saying it and meaning it. It sounds cliche, but when will I ever have the chance to make this particular guest's experience magical ever again? Rather, by doing my part, I can make their vacation that much better simply by liking what I do. Imagine that.
- Things between Alicia and I have absolutely nose dived into the ground. We had a very important conversation the other night that probably determined the future of our friendship forever. In sum, I strongly believe we viewed our friendship completely differently. As a result there were expectations and signals being sent that probably wasn't intended to be there in the first place. Apparently I had been giving off the impression that I liked her a lot. Maybe I'm oblivious, but I really don't feel like I did such a thing. I honestly feel that, at the very most, I was merely reflecting back to her how she made me feel. I still feel like she's an awesome girl. I still think she's a very special person. She, even in her different methods, made me feel special back. I don't see anything romantic there.
Either way, Alicia proceeded to make certain that there was to be nothing going on between us. To the point where she said "I don't think we'll ever be boyfriend/girlfriend." Not that that was something I was necessarily aiming for (especially not now--the last thing I'm interested in is some fling), but talk about ouch. I've never felt that rejected in my life. It's as if she took my nuts and squeezed them together as hard as she could...it really just hurt that bad. Never in my life have I felt as ugly and unattractive as I did in that moment. All I wanted was a close friend. Now all I have is a dream that will never come true. Oh well. I really wanted it to be something special. I guess I just have to let go of what I want.
- I'm starting to just find myself more in general. I'm starting to be less attached to my image. Who cares that I am a nerd that visits tech websites everyday? Am I any less of a person just because I still have a backstreet boys CD in my CD case? Am I any less special because of what I did in the past? I am going to be a somebody in this small whisper we call life. It is my desire to be a major player in this story of God's. Through the Spirit, I will do great things. Just watch.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
What should I do?
I wish I could be more special to you. I wish I were significant to you...just like how you are to me. But I'm not.
What can I do to stand out to you? I'm tired of being invisible.
What can I do to stand out to you? I'm tired of being invisible.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
d(^_^)b
You make me smile.
What can separate us? Not heaven or hell. Not pain or emptiness. Not rejection or dejection. Not women. Not ex-girlfriends.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Let me find rest on that promise.
What can separate us? Not heaven or hell. Not pain or emptiness. Not rejection or dejection. Not women. Not ex-girlfriends.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Let me find rest on that promise.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
Murk
Some things I wish I could say but won't be able to.
Glorie - You have no idea. Nor do I. This isn't easy for me either you know? A lot of people have been telling me that in order to get over someone that it takes time and only time. Perhaps that's the case here. Phil says it's kind of like getting a burn or a cut in your skin. Sure you can do other stuff to help with the healing process...but ultimately the biggest factor in the healing is time. So, I give you time.
Alicia - You drive me crazy. I wish that I were special to you. It seems like you simply have no interest...and that hurts me. I know I should have no expectation from you. I know that we are supposed to be just friends. But I can't deny the impact you've already made in my life. I just wish you could see that.
Walt Disney World company - Stop making it feel like you don't trust us when we're working. Appreciate your workers. We aren't mindless drones. We're individuals with special stories to tell. We all make the magic together. Your perceived superiority is merely on a superficial level. If we felt more important, maybe...just maybe, would we work like it actually means more than just the check.
Everyone else - Thank you. For better or worse, you help shape me.
Jesus - I need you now more than ever. Clarity comes from You and I can certainly use some right now.
Glorie - You have no idea. Nor do I. This isn't easy for me either you know? A lot of people have been telling me that in order to get over someone that it takes time and only time. Perhaps that's the case here. Phil says it's kind of like getting a burn or a cut in your skin. Sure you can do other stuff to help with the healing process...but ultimately the biggest factor in the healing is time. So, I give you time.
Alicia - You drive me crazy. I wish that I were special to you. It seems like you simply have no interest...and that hurts me. I know I should have no expectation from you. I know that we are supposed to be just friends. But I can't deny the impact you've already made in my life. I just wish you could see that.
Walt Disney World company - Stop making it feel like you don't trust us when we're working. Appreciate your workers. We aren't mindless drones. We're individuals with special stories to tell. We all make the magic together. Your perceived superiority is merely on a superficial level. If we felt more important, maybe...just maybe, would we work like it actually means more than just the check.
Everyone else - Thank you. For better or worse, you help shape me.
Jesus - I need you now more than ever. Clarity comes from You and I can certainly use some right now.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
The Truth
God, if there's any shred of realness in me, let me be honest with you right now.
I truly want to be Yours.
I don't quite understand what that means.
I find it hard to resist temptation.
When I do it makes serving you all the more fulfilling.
I'm a mess emotionally.
You don't care.
I'm quite prideful.
You're making me more humble.
I'm quite confused with my life.
You're making something out of me.
I don't know what's going to happen with us.
I wish she felt what I feel for her.
I don't do enough.
I feel dumb.
I think too much.
I over analyze.
I maintain a perception.
I'm scared of what I am.
What if you really want me to just be alone?
I'm scared of being alone.
I wish I had someone to connect with.
I wish I could root more of my joy in You.
I wish there was something that someone could tell me that's good about me.
But there isn't.
I truly want to be Yours.
I don't quite understand what that means.
I find it hard to resist temptation.
When I do it makes serving you all the more fulfilling.
I'm a mess emotionally.
You don't care.
I'm quite prideful.
You're making me more humble.
I'm quite confused with my life.
You're making something out of me.
I don't know what's going to happen with us.
I wish she felt what I feel for her.
I don't do enough.
I feel dumb.
I think too much.
I over analyze.
I maintain a perception.
I'm scared of what I am.
What if you really want me to just be alone?
I'm scared of being alone.
I wish I had someone to connect with.
I wish I could root more of my joy in You.
I wish there was something that someone could tell me that's good about me.
But there isn't.
What to say what to say
I'll just go about things in reverse chronological order.
I went to the Pirate & Princess Party yesterday with Alicia and Emma. All in all it was a great night. Alicia, in typical Alicia fashion, decided to go all out and dress up as a princess. Her dress was only $6 (go Goodwill!) so I guess it was fine. She looked really pretty. Emma and I decided to put less effort in dressing up. We still had something though (Emma had a princess shirt and I had a Pirate hat) so we still had the magic going on. The only truly sour points of the night was waiting 1.5 hours for Jack Sparrow and my funnel cake. Jack truly looked like Jack Sparrow but it was quite a let down once you realize just how long you wait for him. The funnel cake on the other hand was truly a disappointment. Not only was the funnel cake of below average quality, but waiting for this poor excuse for a cake resulted in me missing the entire fireworks show (and trust me...you don't want to miss the Pirate Firework Spectactular). Everything else was quite awesome after that though. Alicia finally got a chance to drive me around somewhere...the night was beautifully clear and mostly calm...and it was just fun going around in the kingdom of magic.
Sunday was a pretty chill day. Church was kinda weird since Alicia and I were in our costumes. Yet God still found ways to humble me. I picked up Callie Ann from the airport and met her roomates. Oh, I ended up going clubbing. That was the first time in awhile. I felt like drinking but I didn't. It was a weird feeling. Matt hit it off with some girl. Calvin was working his magic with his friend Sara. Nick had his Cosmic girls. I just kinda chilled with Alicia. I'm glad she was there. She can dance too! It was such a turn on. I never knew she had it in her. I thought she'd be one of those really boring white girls but she can get it on. Haha.
Other than that life has been pretty interesting. To be continued I suppose.
I went to the Pirate & Princess Party yesterday with Alicia and Emma. All in all it was a great night. Alicia, in typical Alicia fashion, decided to go all out and dress up as a princess. Her dress was only $6 (go Goodwill!) so I guess it was fine. She looked really pretty. Emma and I decided to put less effort in dressing up. We still had something though (Emma had a princess shirt and I had a Pirate hat) so we still had the magic going on. The only truly sour points of the night was waiting 1.5 hours for Jack Sparrow and my funnel cake. Jack truly looked like Jack Sparrow but it was quite a let down once you realize just how long you wait for him. The funnel cake on the other hand was truly a disappointment. Not only was the funnel cake of below average quality, but waiting for this poor excuse for a cake resulted in me missing the entire fireworks show (and trust me...you don't want to miss the Pirate Firework Spectactular). Everything else was quite awesome after that though. Alicia finally got a chance to drive me around somewhere...the night was beautifully clear and mostly calm...and it was just fun going around in the kingdom of magic.
Sunday was a pretty chill day. Church was kinda weird since Alicia and I were in our costumes. Yet God still found ways to humble me. I picked up Callie Ann from the airport and met her roomates. Oh, I ended up going clubbing. That was the first time in awhile. I felt like drinking but I didn't. It was a weird feeling. Matt hit it off with some girl. Calvin was working his magic with his friend Sara. Nick had his Cosmic girls. I just kinda chilled with Alicia. I'm glad she was there. She can dance too! It was such a turn on. I never knew she had it in her. I thought she'd be one of those really boring white girls but she can get it on. Haha.
Other than that life has been pretty interesting. To be continued I suppose.
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