Friday Night Thoughts

There is a reason why "don't judge a book by its cover" has been echoed for generations.

The logic is simple; you never know the entirety of anything if you only read into surface level qualities of said noun. This is true with literature because a truly enchanting story could legitimately be waiting behind one of the most hideous covers created. The saying also applies to food (i.e. gumbo). Et cetera.

Even though everyone knows this applies to people as well, it seems to be easily forgotten when people form their first impressions of people they don't know. I am guilty of this as well especially when it comes to people who wear specific types of clothes (because seriously...when's the last time you saw a 'gangsta' guy wear Hollister?).

Recently this issue has been pressed to my face. Further, the question has unraveled to "do I even have to read the book just because the cover is interesting?"


Life is weird and so are women.

The spirit of gratefulness

I had the joy of sitting down with John Ott this morning.

We talked about various things obviously but eventually it whittled down to a very specific question that he asked. "Fred, what do you think made your time at Starbucks so fruitful?"

I thought about it for a moment.

"Being at Starbucks helped to show just how much pride I had inside of me."

I didn't realize it at the time, but a lot of my pride came for straight up ungratefulness. I had a good family, good health, and few obligations but all I kept thinking about was how crappy my job was and how porcupine kept playing games with me. It was only when I was cognizant of this that I reached a point of true humility. It was after my heart was in that place that God could begin construction on my new foundation.

This is noteworthy because John started sharing with me that because it's a lesson that's been so deeply ingrained in me, it is something I'll be able to identify with scintillating precision in other people. And the more I explored that thought, the more I've found it to be true.

Being human, it's appropriate to feel frustrated or lonely or forgotten when times get really tough. But the difference with someone who is grateful and someone who isn't is that there's a spirit of peace and a spirit of "these circumstances will not deter my perspective"

And these people stick out.

And they're the people you're grateful for.

Because their gratefulness is inspiring.

petting porcupines

So I got to see special K again tonight.

I always wondered what it would feel like. I'm sure I came off as kind of rude because I immediately turned my head so that I wouldn't face her. Oh wells. Seeing her again though made me think about where I am with all this. Especially with her birthday coming up and all.

Frankly, I still don't know how we ended up on non-talking terms. My story is that she asked me to not talk to her. She'll probably say that she never wanted me to not talk to her [irony] yet that she wanted space. I'll respond by saying I gave her space. I'm not sure how she would respond to that. Probably something along the lines of our friendship just gradually changed.

Personally, I do miss her. More than anything I miss just learning about her. Learning all the intricacies that make her her. This isn't a very unique thing as it's a facet of a relationship that I would say is true with many of my friends, but she's different because of a value I've placed on her. While that value has diminished given our lack of communication, I must say that if we had a friendship I would still value it.

Yet, one thing that I've learned to accept is that I really cannot control the future. Regardless of how altruistic and sincere my desires are, there's a lot that are just out of my control. I want so badly for the my story to include a reconciliation with Kristy; I want very very badly for her to all of a sudden to just be like "you know I think I'll take the first step to say to Fred that I'd like to start brand new with a friendship and to just settle the past once and for all."

But I'm slowly reaching the point where the fact that any of those desires NOT coming true is equally satisfying. Not because I want them any less, but because I'm slowly yielding more to the fact that I don't have to be in control of everything--especially in this situation. If this story turns out awesome and we become very good friends again then I'll be ecstatic. But if all of the seeds that I planted turn out to be for not and I'm just fooling myself all this time then I honestly think I'll be ok with that.

Because I'm giving up the pen to this story. And simply going to enjoy the book.

lee's birthday

Happy Birthday, friend.

time value of investment

When you're sick, there's the people who say "aww I hope you feel better" and then there are the people that go over to your house with soup and watch a DVD with you.

Everyone wants the second friend. But, how many people actually take the time BEING the second friend? Every now and then we have to be prepared to allow other people to completely unload all of their burdens in transparency. And the best thing to do is to just sit, listen, and be there.

I had the joy of doing this tonight. It's part of what makes life that much richer.

oh em gee

I had a really crazy dream last night.

Generally I don't read too much into dreams or anything because it can just be so sketch. However yesterday is probably one of the most vivid exceptions I can ever recall. In essence, I dreamed that God was communicating to me. This should be alarming given that I'm very much part of the "God doesn't literally talk to people" bandwagon. I believe God reveals himself through a variety of ways. He reveals His character through reading the bible. He sets examples through other people. And sometimes circumstances will get thrown your way because a lesson needs to be taught. But I find it hard to believe that God literally calls out in a voice "hey Fred I want you to do [x]."

Then yesterday night happened.

I don't remember a whole lot of the dream but I do remember that I had some control over what I was doing. I remember that there was a big prophesy and that God was going to come back at a specific time (this isn't biblical by the way since we won't know when Jesus will come back). Anyway, I'm inside of a huge room where a whole bunch of people are gathered.

Anyone and everyone was there. Skeptics, celebrities, homeless, you name it they were there. The mathmeticians started writing on the wall and stuff different formulas (only to have other people erase their work away).

Finally the moment draws near.

Everyone was counting down with one minute remaining. Then it got down to the 10 second mark.

10..
9..
8..
7..


The clock hit the zero mark.

Nothing happened.
About 30 seconds passed and all the skeptics started gloating about everything.


Then suddenly it happened.



Everyone in the room was floating involuntarily. The room was shaking and there was vibrations felt within the bones of every living creature in the room. Everyone was literally speechless when all of a sudden all these math formulas were easily seen on the wall.

Then all you saw, in bright burning fire red-yellow, was the word "INFINITE."

I stayed glued to that word for maybe 5 seconds. Then everyone dropped back down and things seemingly got back to normal. I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about how appropriate that word is for God.


And I haven't stopped thinking ever since about why God would allow me to have such a crazy dream.

What your life is worth

When you die, what will people say about you?

No not the things they'll say at your funeral. Everyone's much too PC for that.



But, you know, the things people will say when they reminisce.
The crazy thing is we have the ability to shape the things that people will say....


now.

contentment

as in satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting anything else.



Yeah. me.

SMS shine

This is making me very happy.

being ok with it

- some people took shots at me today cause I like Disney.
- some of my family were bothered by the fact that I wasn't bothered that I'm not in a serious relationship.
- a lot of people I meet look at me weird when I say I don't really go clubbing or what not.
- I'd rather read than drink.
- I like stars.
- I don't think Katy Perry is attractive inside or out.
- I rinse and repeat.
- I've been rejected more times than I can remember.
- My legs are really hairy.



This is a window of all the things I think make me weird. And on days like today I wish I were more normal. Who doesn't like being popular? Who doesn't want to be accepted?

What I am learning is that when you accept how God made you it isn't necessarily being all "antiestablishment"; rather, it's very simply a joy in discovering all the intricacies that make you you.

it strikes again

I finally updated my facebook yesterday.

It had been several months since my last update (we're talking like 4 months). One of the things I was able to do was finally become "friends" with my cousin. I was also suggested to become "friends" with my sister. Given that these are two people that are family, it would be reasonable to believe that this should've been done much much earlier. But there's reason why this hadn't taken place.

There's a "past" with both of these people. That is, somewhere along the way there was a falling out in the lives of both of these people to either me or other people in the family. As a result, there are lingering hurt feelings and a seemingly perpetual elephant in the room. Never truly reconciled, issues are never brought up for fear that it would incite conflict.

The thing is, the "past" is perfectly legitimate. Both my cousin and my sister have every right to make the decisions they did and I don't fault either one of them for doing so. However, there have been repercussions and many relationships have been altered as a result.



The reason this is noteworthy is because it brings to the forefront a very important observation I've been able to make. One of the reasons God is so big on treating other people with love/respect is because the long term effects of a fallout are so detrimental. In other words, relationships can be very fragile and if not cared for properly they will crack (and even shatter). This isn't to say that things can't be rebuilt--in fact, a mosaic of countless shattered pieces is often viewed superior to a one piece artwork. But it is saying that once altered it will never again be the same.

When we revere one another the relationships are likely to stay that much healthier.

life sentence

It was such a joy going to TLR yesterday.

We had a guest speaker who basically discussed the wisdom in living life intentionally. One of his talking points captured me and I haven't really been the same ever since.

His argument was that in the end, once we're long dead, our life will be summarized in one sentence. That is, everything we've ever done and everything we've ever lived for, whether we like it or not, will be captured in a sentence. For instance:

- George Washington was the father of our country.
- Harry Truman dropped the atomic bomb.
- Rosa Parks refused to move to the back.
- Lady Gaga...well I don't even want to go there.

Anyway this concept was leveraged to draw attention to the fact that our lives are worth something. After all, who wants to be remembered as "Best Tequila Drinker" or "Most awesome money spender"? This isn't to naysay anyone who likes tequila or spending money. But it is a challenge to evaluate whether or not those things are worth devoting one's life to.

As I started exploring this thought, I started to wonder why people don't take this more seriously. It's reasonable to believe that everyone wants to be remembered for something good...but why don't people take greater initiative...doing good? Shouldn't those things be logical?

For me, I tried to remember what have I done that leaves any sort of thumbprint in anyone's life--and I couldn't think of anything. Talk about fail.
But then, Gracefully, I started to recall that within this quirky collection of personality is this innate desire to simply be sincere. And, for those who have been run over by it, apparently it's something else.

Anyway, the speaker closed by saying the main difference between people who are deemed great and those who would be consider "nobody" is simply the fact that great people do great things.

So what am I doing great today?

wide angle lenses

One of the most enjoyable things about my new job are the people that I work with.

One of the guys, Jeremy, has one of the most colorful personalities ever. He's quite intelligent yet has a very great mix of charisma that makes him both a joy to talk to and to work with. Jeremy, like me, is also quite into numbers.

This is important because the other day, while we were having lunch, we started talking about the gross uneven distribution of wealth at our company. Recently there was an initiative to raise extra capital for the company but along with that extra capital came a way for members of the executive team to also find ways to make an incredible amount of money. We're talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Jeremy just wanted in on some of the action. He admits pretty freely that he is quite satisfied with how much he is getting paid, but would LOVE to have got in on the overnight wealthy train the e-team was riding [for the record these guys make MUCH more than little peasant fred; whose salary, extrapolated, would be standard entry-level 30k+].

I'm writing all of this down because a very important thought emerged from this casual conversation. I was left thinking..."where does that come from anyway?" In other words, everyone would love to have more money (even those with a lot of money), but where does that desire for more come from? Is it innate? Is it learned from culture? Is it uniquely American?

This train of thought becomes especially dangerous because there quickly reaches a point where someone can discipline their own appetite; that is, the "I want" slowly transforms into an "I need" and the implications are devastating. Every bad verb feasibly occurs after this transformation.
Not always of course. And very rarely does it happen overnight. But, just like a cancer, the appetite grows until it starts to wholly consume everything that's in its path. Tragic.

How does one set up safeties to guard against this?

Perspective change.
Specifically when the focus shifts from this life to more than this life.

Sunday Night Thoughts

It's been quite a long day.

Although I really love serving at my church, I'm quickly approaching the point where I think I'm beginning to get burned out. I've been up since 6 AM this morning (had to be at buckhead at 6:30 AM) and am still here. I was able to see my falcons completely demolish the cardinals in between but that's neither here nor there (;

One thing I found myself thinking about today was what life was all about anyway. Andy was teaching out of the book of ecclesiastes today and obviously it had me thinking in that direction. If you've never read the bible or don't really believe any of it, ecclesiastes is a really interesting book that can be read by itself; it's basically a collection of parting thoughts as a great king sees the end of his life is near. The main thesis in the book is that everything in life doesn't really amount to anything; rather the collection of life, as we know it here, seems to point to something/someone much more eternal.

For me, believing in God makes the most sense because life seems way too uneven.

- People who study hard in school end up with low paying jobs while those who cheat are making money hand over fist.
- Individuals get promoted based on favor and appeal (and often times under the table agreements) rather than based on work merit.
- Infidelity.
- Financial misfortune for those who have been faithful while fortune awaits the corrupt.
- Drunk drivers take the most innocent of children while molesters live to see more than a century's worth of history.

And yet, in much the same way it doesn't make sense that all of these things exist seemingly going unreconciled, one of the main tenets of Christianity fixates on this unevenness; it's essentially the reason Christians are able to distinguish themselves as children of God. Truly understanding how radical that concept is is what fuels much of my faith to persevere through said unevenness of life.

Anywho as I sit writing this I can't help but think about the direction my life is taking. After all, the value in understanding a principle is completely in the application right?

Yum.

the other end of relationships

I had a chance to meet up with a former colleague today at Starbucks.

I've never really known this person too well. We've always been pretty casual acquaintances at best but nothing too great. For some reason today he decided to confide in me.

I discovered that lately he's been having a "sex buddy" relationship with an asian girl. They talked about how the sex was great and that whenever they hung out it was awesome. He went into detail about how he found her at the perfect time because she had freshly decided that she was going to start rebelling against her parents (and thus the promiscuity I suppose).

He went on to state that he was starting to develop feelings for her and that she was doing the same. However, when he swung for the fences and asked her out, she told him that they could never be an item. In her culture, unless she dates someone of the same nationality, it would be a very big problem for her family.

He was stunned obviously and didn't really know what to do. I told him that what she said was really truthful and that I respect her for being straight up instead of leading him on.

Anyway, the reason this is noteworthy to me is that I was really surprised by how this guy didn't see it coming at all. When a relationship begins with the physical aspect, the foundation is built on something incredibly uncertain. Now, I don't want to pretend like I'm some relational mastermind (I couldn't attract a fly right now), but I have had enough that I can form some conclusions.

1) The best relationships really are ones that are based on solid friendship. These are the least awkward because there's a natural building of trust that only compounds.

2) The relationships that last are the ones where each person truly looks out for the other. This is way easier said than done. After all, everyone always thinks they're right and it's so difficult to intentionally be humble yourself for the other person--especially when they're clearly the one at fault.

3) All relationships are best evaluated based on the direction that they're headed; not where they're currently at.


For whatever it's worth, I truly hope that this relationship ends up with some resolution. Either they'll have to stop having sex or they'll end up hating each other. Unless of course they learn to love one another such that their devotion to one another is unquestionably strong. It is only then that the girl's family will no longer view him as an American; but rather as a son.

Love wins every single time.

Sunday Night Thoughts

Today I had the responsibility for filming 4 different church services.

It's been quite the ride. My day started at 6 AM and was still continuing past 6 PM--at a church. I didn't feel overly creative with any of my shots; I just kind of did what seemed natural. One thing happened today that I really can't stop thinking about. It was from Andy of course but he just kind of spoke spontaneously this morning and it so thoroughly piqued my interest.

Anyway, here it is:

Think about the person you love most. Anyone in the world you love more than anything/anyone else. Think about how much you love them.
Is it possible that God loves you more than you love your most treasured person? Is it possible for God to be capable of loving even more than us?
What would our life look like if we really believed that answer was yes?




Wow.

bad day 2.0

feeling funky.

the bad way

Bad Days suck

Sad face.

Re-thinking Tunica

Waiting at the smallest airport I've ever been to to ride the smallest planes I've ever seen to leave one of the smallest cities I've ever visited.

It's been quite a ride.

This trip had been planned for quite some time now and there was much excitement leading up to the trip. A large majority of my family would be here. It would be great. Yet I remained apprehensive because I'm not one for casinos or gambling in general. But I persisted with open expectations.

The whole concept of casinos in general continues to impress me.

[I just looked over to y left and I saw a cockroach walking by the dead carcass of a grasshopper. Awesome.]

If ever there was a concentration of everything tempting in life it would be in casinos. Anyone who loves food would love casinos. There are buffets overflowing with delicious food everywhere you go. It was incredible. If money is more your thang the sky is limitless when it comes to unearned potential. Entertainment never ceases as there are scantily clad women everywhere as well as live bands wherever you go.

Yet, everynight as I casually strolled through each casino I was filled with a profound sense of concern. The people that fill these places are all searching for something...but do they know what it is they're searching for? Fun. Money. Happiness. A good time. Whatever. Are casinos where they're really found?

I ate my hearts content and even won a few dollars. But everytime I would "hit big" I would never be quite satisfied. Taking hand after hand was really great...but it's never quite enough.

I only wonder if everyone who mindlessly kept pressing "repeat bet" at the slot machines felt the same thing? Who knows.

As I await for them to call my number here at the airport I can't help but think about how much potential there is for me to return here one day--except with a different Purpose.

what being there looks like

If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that there are certain people who are truly one of a kind.

These are the rare breed who have an unmistakeable allure about them. Never quite pretentious but always quite genuine there is an undeniable attractiveness that comes with the package.
It's not a learned attitude either. It's really quite the opposite; nonchalance dilly dallying and doing whatever seems like a good idea is often a trademark of these people as well.

One item of note, however, is that there is something common that they do that the vast majority of people simply do not. Everyone recognizes that one great friend is more precious than ten average friends but no one ever considers what makes a person "great."

I am completely convinced that part of the makeup of the greatness is the willingness to spend time with another person.

You see, spending time with someone is one of the dearest ways you can shower intimacy on that person. It communicates, whether voluntary or involuntary, that your life is worth something so huge to them that they're willing to carve time for you.

That's radical!

This is why I'm being more intentional about meeting with people. I want to foster rich relationships so that I can cut all the pretense from my life. Hopefully the seeds that get planted because of these meetings will pay a huge dividend somewhere.

Perhaps.

The Joy of Reconnecting

I had a fabulous lunch with a [lost] old friend yesterday.

It always helps when the lunch is at one of my favorite places to eat (Chow Baby). And it also helps that it was Friday so things were already a great start.

That said, we got our food, sat down, and just started talking about life. It was so great.

You see, I'm the type of person who becomes quite polarizing quite quickly. One of my greatest strengths is that I have a very vivid/colorful personality (at least that's what I get told). Yet this ends up rubbing people the wrong way quite often. Either they won't get my humor or perhaps I'll be perceived as being insensitive or some people end up being just straight up haters. And while I truly wish I could build rich, authentic relationships with everyone I encounter, I have come to receive the fact that not only is it not possible, but it would devalue the relationships I most cherish now.

Yesterday was a great example of one relationship I do value very very much.

For me, one of the greatest measure of someone's authenticity is how comfortable they are talking about very deep subjects. Everyone talks about sports, the weather, facebook, whatever; and it's really healthy to talk about all those things. But eventually everyone is faced with the issues in life that truly matter. All your actions are driven by your faith and your values and they eventually manifest themselves through actions and words. That's why, when I'm able to speak with anyone who dives deep into those things, it communicates that in one way or another they are shifting their focus from the present to the everlasting.

All that in mind, what I really can't stand is how awesome some people can be. When you talk about humble, extraordinary character people only a handful of people will ever cross your life.

I had the joy of eating lunch with one yesterday.

What would my life look like if..

- I truly believed God was with me?
- I truly prayed like it meant something special to me?
- I read my bible like a cherished love letter?
- I invested time with people like it was my last day on earth?
- I was thankful for EVERY blessing?
- I leveraged my talents for something incredible?
- I tried my hardest to reconcile all past broken bridges?
- I loved more?


Wow.

losing can be winning

One thing that I'm really happy about is the truly competitive drive that has been instilled into me.

I absolutely cannot stand losing.
At all.

Since picking up on this whole tennis thing, my competitive attitude has transferred to the tennis courts as well. My overall win-loss record is very high. I think I've maybe lost 4 matches total (2 from doubles and 2 from singles).

Tonight was another tally for the loss column.

I was frustrated and angry. You see I was forced to retire from the match because I ended up cramping in the middle of the game. It was as if any opportunity I had was just taken from me. Hours after the match it's what I kept thinking about. And now, several hours still later, it continues to haunt me.

But why?

The only solace I can think of is the fact that there's still so much I have left to learn about being humble. Not once this season did I thank God immediately after the match for a win (I had been undefeated until tonight). In fact, the thought didn't even come to me that he had kept me injury free for basically 2 years up to tonight.

That said, I don't think God is like some sort of scientific formula in that He's punishing me for not choosing to thank Him or whatever. But, I do think that it's an encouraging sign to realize that instead of just sulking and accomplishing nothing, I can choose to focus on everything that I do have (instead of the win that I don't have). These things, just recently, include the following:

- a new job at Radiant.
- a new car that's really nice.
- a new computer.
- a newer playstation 3.
- a new digital camera SLR.
- a new pair of season tickets for the falcons.
- a new stringing machine.
- a new tennis racquet.
- a new radio for my car.
- lots of new clothes.
-probably more that I'm not thinking about.

Putting this in context of my loss, all I have left to say is that it reinforces a principle I've already learned. When it comes to adversity, the response to the stimulant is everything. I still can't stand that I lost, but it's not going to be something that I will allow to slow me down.

I guess counting your blessings really does help shape your perspective.

exhausted

but I'm committed to writing in this.

In no order..

- played tennis today.

- twice.

- Miss Terri and Phuong big time.

- Even porcupine too.

- Won injured.

- Really should be playing at a higher level.

- Where does my life need total renovation?

- Where does my character need total reconstruction?

- The analogy could also be used in the fitness world. Who cares if you have a treadmill. The value is in the execution.

- I'm such a nerd that I'm starting to watch Starcraft II videos.

- Doing really well at work.

- Got to hear from Allison today. What a girl.

- Got to hang out with Esther today. What a girl in a different way.

- Got to hang out with Erskeen today. What a guy.

- Got to help Steven out with his dilemma. What a mess.

- Got to think about God today and how much grace He provides. What a God.




And I'm gone.

what I'm contemplating tonight

"Unapplied truth is just like unapplied paint. It doesn't do anyone any good when it's just sitting there. The value is entirely in the application."

walking the walk

There's nothing more lethal to a person's creditability than hypocrisy.

This is why it's especially intense in the church world.
This is also why I have so much respect for my pastor.

Given the amount of fame he has and the number of different commitments he can make, it's really refreshing to see him come to church and not do anything. Not be obligated to do announcements or speak the message but to just be a regular attender.


And when you have my vantage point on stage, it's especially powerful seeing him pray and sing just like one of the hundreds in the room.

growing...pains

One of the great things about being a believer is that God will ALWAYS answer your prayer to stay humble.

This is a virtual daily prayer of mine. Specifically, I ask Him to reveal the impure parts of my heart so that I may further develop my character. And sometimes it sucks when that prayer gets answered.

Lately I've been on a very high wavelength in life. Things are really going great. But tonight I was kind of reminded of some other areas of my life that still have a long way to go.

One area I find a lot of frustration in is the whole "love life" thing. I don't really want to settle for just anyone...but when I do find someone that's genuinely awesome, I start getting kind of awkward.

There's a girl at my church that I've always thought was very attractive but never really had any desire to pursue anything. I tried making some conversation tonight.

fail.

Although I don't think I'm hopeless, I realize that maybe I should just focus on developing me really. And the girl who really will be worth it for me won't magically just drop in my lap...but maybe, just possibly, she'll be working on her character too.

And our relationship will be infinitely better because of it.

Trajectory

I got to meet with the CEO of Radiant today.

Best quote? "You are smart people who are surrounded by smart people."

Excited for tomorrow.

Talk about wow

I had a chance tonight to see a former Miss America.

This event wasn't a surprise. I wasn't even looking forward to it. In fact, I was kind of skeptical of even going because I didn't want some beauty snob telling a room full of people some cliche life moral that everyone already knew about. I went anyway just hoping to be surprised.

And nights like tonight are part of the reason why I'm very happy that I'm not right all the time.

Kirsten Hanglund is one of the most beautiful people I've ever been around in my whole life. Obviously she quite radiant from a physical standpoint. But you want to talk about spiritually smokin'? This girl was straight up FIYAH!

She spent a large part of her time talking to all the students about eating disorders and the various ways it can manifest itself into all people. Then she shared how it has been (and continues to be to an extent) a very big struggle for her personally as well. There were the typical valleys and peaks that life stories usually take and hers was no different.

But, what I found incredibly impressive was how much of her faith she shared. It was quite evident that she had been through a lot. Yet in transparency she continued to share just how much she found herself leaning toward God every single day of her life. And she was always quick to point to the fact that she needs so much grace every single day of her life. And all of it was real. None of it came in a rehearsed, scripted sort of fashion. Just straight up person being real. Beauty.

And then she started quoting scripture. And let's just say it was pretty obvious she was a bible reading woman. Magnifique.

In the end, I was so enchanted with her beauty. Not because I thought she was some trophy wife that I wanted to show off...but because it really is true that there's nothing quite as attractive as a woman who is 100% secure in Christ. It kind of rekindled my hope that someday I'll be able to find a girl who takes this following Jesus thing seriously in much the same way I do.

Who knows...maybe I'll even find myself dating a Miss America.

nothing really profound to say

It's been a rather boring[?] weekend for me.

Worked on friday and went to a birthday party for my dearest cousin-in-law.
Had a 7:30 AM tennis match saturday (yes...I know).
Watched USA crumble against Ghana.
Tried to watch Toy Story 3 with Ethan but he was insistant on taking a nap instead.
Ate at O'Charley's with the fam.
Signed Jessica's cast.
Served middle schoolers at Buckhead church.
Lights didn't catch on fire.
Went home, ate lunch, packed clothes and went back to BC.
Served at 6:00 service doing some fine camera work.
Saw Karina after service and decided to give her a back stage tour of BC. It was glorious.
Saw Dani and established that we've been partners in production for almost 3 years now. Crazy!
Rafa joined the circle of awesome and the place almost blew up.
Prodigal brother = "I don't deserve this." | Older brother = "I deserve more." Deepness.
Played another tennis match 8 pm.
Never been more happy for a shower.
I'm just really thankful all around.


God, now that things are looking more "up" for me, I hope You know that I love it. But, help me to cling to You just as desperately as when I was in my "valley." And give me the maturity to understand that in both places there is growth and peace to be found. Amen.

life keeps blurring

I have a commitment literally every night of the week.

I need space.

Focus[ing]

One great benefit of going through a lot of the "downs" I did for the end part of last year are the observations that I've been able to make. One of these is the concept of perspective.

For awhile, I had much contempt toward my situation at starbucks. Rather, it was a perpetual grudge.

But something changed.

Eventually I realized that my hope was placed in the wrong thing. For even if I acquired the "perfect job" what will I have gained? That realization was paramount. What it ended up doing was breaking down for me that one of the keys to life is not the circumstance you are under, but the approach and resolve with which one acts with life. That is, to have your focus placed on something (or Someone) that will not change regardless of circumstance.

For me, it began a really deep growth phase in my personal faith. And, fast forwarding, it helped me to become a greater person of character as a result.

Someday, I think I'll be sharing this concept with a lot of people. Maybe.

What lies beneath

It's something everyone knows, but doesn't pay attention to.

There's greater danger present than what one may first perceive. This has been an important lesson for me because it reinforces the principle that I must continue to be aware that there's always more at stake than what seems obvious.

This occurred again yesterday. I went to go play flag football with some compadres. Said hombres I have a connection with due to my friendship with one Miss K. Sure enough, when I go to the game yesterday good ol' porcupine was right there. I'm unsure why she was there (maybe to support the guys?) but it surfaced again this tension between us. Not a word was exchanged between us.

Anyway, this simply goes to show that there's still so much inside of me that needs reform. For with all the maturing I have gone through the past several months, there's an extremely high amount of pride when it comes to certain aspects of my life. Yesterday, I desired very much to sit down on the grass next to Kristy and just talk with her and catch up on her life. But, it's so important to me to really rub it in that if she "just wants space" then I'm going to give her all the bloody space she can handle. It's coming at the expense of the relationship, but it's what she wants.

The problem is, I am in no way demonstrating any kind of love toward Kristy. My whole "this is what you get for acting this way" mentality does nothing to benefit me or her. Some council of mine will point out that a hard line stance like this is necessary due to the nature of the relationship, but ehh.

This I do know, no one wins when the tension remains. One person has to humble themselves to take steps to restore the friendship. I just feel like maybe I want the friendship too much and she doesn't want it at all.

all I have to say is

OMG!

realignment

There's a linear correlation between my desire to get things done and my mental wellness.

That is, the more I get things done the more at peace I am. But, I get drawn out when I want to get things done but don't. I have many ideas that need journaling but have yet to.

Hopefully today is the first small step.

dual edged swords

A very trusted council of mine recently told me that one of my biggest strengths has the potential to be my biggest weakness.

This surfaced today. I discovered that my cousin reentered critical condition. More complications. More stuff running through my head about things I can't fix.

Then Terri asked me whether or not I'd rejoin the team for summer season. I would enjoy it very much, but know that it wouldn't be a healthy decision. I communicated that to her with which my response was a quaint "ok." Don't want to read too much into it, but it seems like she was holding out hope for an outcome she knew was highly unlikely. Or maybe not?

So, this leads me to the whole search for catharsis in the first place. What this ended up triggering was a real intense desire for justice. I'm unwilling to join the team cause good ol' porcupine will be there. And frankly, it doesn't seem that desirable to go through another 2 months of awkward turtle.

I spent a pretty decent amount of time thinking and rethinking of whatever I could do to fix the situation but I think at this point I'm just wasting my time. She's not the type to stay idle; if she wants something she pursues it. It's likely that. although at one point in time we may have had authentic closeness, it clearly isn't the case any more. Regardless of whatever has transpired to gradually regress us to this point, the ugliness is that we aren't anything. Not even friends.

If she wanted it to be different, I think she'd try to fix it. But why would she? She has her new boy toy now and life is just dandy for her. What does she need me for?

Only thing is, after all my analytics, I think I'm the one who feels sorry for her. It doesn't come from an arrogant "I'm better than you" state of mind either. And I really don't think it's cause I'm the least bit jaded because I'm not getting what I want. But it's a sincere, "I wish better things for your life." Her current direction will result in only two outcomes. One day she will realize exactly how rich of a resource she had with me and will lament ever releasing it or her current season of happiness will dwindle at some point (in addition to the inevitable relationship problems that will come from her new bff) and she'll want me to bounce ideas off of. The current bff will fade until another one falls into place. Then rinse and repeat into a cycle of never quite there-ness. I won't be part of the picture either way.

Who knows...perhaps her life will just continue to be 100% awesome without me. She'll get married and live happily ever after. But even in that reality, there would still be shortfall in that a very good friend in me is lost. Or, if I wasn't a good friend to begin with, it would falsify everything she told me she enjoyed so much about me to begin with. Although now that I write that out, it doesn't seem like such a farfetched possibility.

I finally got some peace again when I realized I'm thinking of things too much. I think a big reason why I'm so bothered by this is that I'm seeking repudiation from her entirely. I'm so unwilling to let go of the fact that she was so fake to me. But, as I thought that out, that's a fred problem and not a porcupine problem. If she has wronged me and isn't remorseful about it, that's God's prerogative to deal with it on His terms. But if I have a problem with it going "unnoticed" then it's more a refletion of me not forgiving her entirely. I'm still waiting on something...

Which, thankfully, is something that I can work on. Forgiveness is just as much for me as it is for her. Because I'm starting to believe all of that Christian stuff about living a life that isn't centered on me anymore. Here, I just want to get to a point where I can see Kristy physically and just be thankful to see her (even if she isn't thankful to see me). I'm still working on it, but I believe I can get there. I just get so bogged down with all the pretense. It'd be so much easier if she could just admit she'd rather pretend like she didn't do anything wrong to me then try to play both sides and spin everything like it's my fault for our non-relationship.

But whatever. For now I think I'll continue the path I've been going. Disengaging and relinquishing a relationship doesn't mean that you stopped caring about that person. But, in this relationship, Kristy has to start caring more about our relationship if it's ever to be healed.

If she want's it healed.

[good] friday night thoughts

Really interesting service this evening at Buckhead Church.

I decided to go by myself. This isn't really that new but it was a good change up for me because I'd be ATTENDING church and not volunteering (like I will be on easter). The place was straight up packed and it was great.

I ended up sitting near a lady who had also come by herself. She kind of had the same look on herself that I must have; we both didn't really know what to expect but knew God would show up big. It's too bad we didn't come with a friend.

Anywho, the night started with some really strong bass. I'm talking shake your bones bass. This was accompanied with crazy lights (the lighting is always so dramatic at BC) and was immediately followed by a video. Then it was kind of weird. The format became video-song-video for a good 20 mins. Jeff Henderson spoke a pretty good message (it was of the standard Christ humbled himself flavor) then more music and video.

Now, the reason any of this is noteworthy is because what happened later in the evening. Firstly, I actually didn't participate in communion this evening. It just didn't feel right. Secondly, there was a strange lack of focus for me. When we started singing about the Cross and all of these wonderful things about the Cross, I couldn't help but notice that the guy next to me kept looking at his watch for the time.

I wanted to punch him in the face.

If he were in such a hurry he could've just not come. Or, if he had somewhere to be then he could've left early. But, why in the world would he keep looking at the time when we're all singing to God? Then I realized that it's precisely for people like him that Jesus did die. Then a quick glance to my left was the aforementioned woman. Hands fully in the air with tears streaming down her face while we sang "Jesus paid it all."

Irony at it's finest.
God's hilarious.
He personifies juxtaposition.

because it affects other people

What's really wonderful about the various relationships that form in life is the web that it creates.

This person knows that person. That person knows another person. Eventually everyone is connected. There are companies that make a huge profit on this principle. There are people that get jobs because of this principle. There are marriages that occur because of this principle. Et cetera.

However, when relationships go awry, things get different. The nice happy circle transforms into arrays of awkwardness that no one really likes experiencing. It's tragic really.

I'm currently in the middle of one of these. And it sucks. There's a lot of he said/she said but in the end what does it matter? People take sides. Conclusions are made based on misinformation. And in the end relationships get destroyed.

So, I say all of this simply to say that I wish it were easier to be "independent." That is, I wish I didn't care so much about looking foolish if that's what it took to say "you're important to me. Even though things are kinda different, I hope you know I'm not." Something along those lines.

But stuff doesn't always go the way I hope. But I guess I'm learning to take it in doses.

snowy mondays

Strange.

Sunny saturday.
Soggy sunday.
Mellow monday (due to sleet/snow/wintery mix).

Current thought-- what would my life look like if I really were confident that God is aware of the circumstances in my life?

rainy sundays

Sometimes the rain creates a necessary slow period in our lives.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the springtime. Well, I don't love Atlanta's obscene pollen counts (2000+ per cubic inch is just hellish frankly), but otherwise I generally regard sunshine as a good thing. But the rain helps make space. It forces people to go indoors and make adjustments to their plans. In my case, I've found time to write.

I've been thinking a lot lately (a new thought I know). And one particular thing I've found to be true about me is the fact that I cannot stand when someone has a false impression of me. That is, if they believe something to be true about me that is absolutely UNtrue about me. I feel a very bizarre urge to prove myself to everyone. To kind of say "HEY! I AM NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL."

Ironically, I make it a very good habit to keep very close friendships with people who are precisely the opposite. Many close friends of mine have pretty thorough disregard for what people perceive their identity to be. It's a very healthy "I don't care" as well. They walk with a supreme confidence in them. Never with an arrogance of I think I'm better than you so F-off; but rather... "I love who God made me to be and I'm not too proud to admit that I'm still a work in progress." Even my friends who don't follow Jesus still have this about them. They kind of stick to their original wiring of "who says I can't think [x] is cool? And if I'm the only one who thinks that then so be it."

For me, I have a very annoying tendency to figure out why someone doesn't view things the same way as me. So, if someone thinks I'm a liar for example, I must discover what would cause them to believe something like that about me. If I can figure it out, I can try to educate in order to eliminate any misunderstanding/false opinions.


But I'm learning that life isn't always that linear or neat.


Part of what I've been able to learn lately is that any time there is criticism/feedback about me, it is ALWAYS an opportunity for growth. Regardless of whatever assertion is made (whether from ungrounded hearsay or from well-researched expert opinions), there is a development opportunity. The way this has been able to play itself out for me is that I've started to ask a different question. It has grown from "why would this person think [x] about me?" to "what kind of reputation is my life garnering?"

It's subtle. It's very small. But it's a perspective shift that's so significant that it's blown me away. Because in those small moments the focus changes from simply trying to deflect potential embarrassment to instead living a life with nothing to be ashamed of. Or, in other words, it goes from trying to maintain an image to surrendering image maintenance altogether. This holistic approach seems to have great potential for satisfaction. In fact it's the central tenet of Christianity.

Too bad it's taken me so long to just get my head around the concept -_-

Friday Night Thoughts

well I'm alive.

And still in pre-spring cleaning.

Saturday Morning Thoughts

Had a chance to finally catch up with Myriam yesterday.

It turns out that I need some personal spring cleaning.

Joy.

finding time to write more

One of the things I was kind of surprised with was who greeted me for my bday.

Lee was the first one (at a stunning 230 AM text message. I was sleeping but her thing woke me up and I didn't mind. I'm not sure whether or not it was planned or anything but I was quite honored that she would remember me. It wasn't anything special either just kind of a thing.

Then the slew of text messages and facebook postings followed. It's quite a warm feeling knowing that your life is meaningful to other people. I responded to everyone who texted me and eventually got back on fb just to respond to everyone on there too.

Then there was the one and only Ms. Porcupine [KT]. I knew heading into my bday that it would be unwise for me to expect anything one way or another so I was real guarded not to get my hopes up for anything. The weekend came and went and I didn't receive a text or phone call from her. Nor did I get a fb message. So, the last logical thing was to perhaps see if she would pay me back with my own medicine by leaving something for me at my house.

Nope.

I wasn't mad or offended or anything that she didn't so much as greet me...but it did kind of confirm that I, in all likelihood, don't mean a thing to her. It's quite likely that she's "moved on" from me...but what does that even mean in the first place? If we were never in a relationship, then she would have nothing to move on from. But, if we were good friends as our story is supposed to have gone, isn't it reasonable to believe that she would've done something?

I keep wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she was busy? perhaps she had a special gift and wanted to give it to me in person?), but kind of gets me down. I don't mind living with the reality of knowing that she means more to me than I do to her...but it'd be nice to mean something to her. Even a little text message would have been great. But, when something isn't important to someone, it tends to get pushed to the side; and I guess that's my new home in her life.

Presents wise I did score a new camera! I even showed Praise to her grand content. I didn't really get anything from anyone else (Sam got me my favorite trident) but I'm still pretty content. The old mantra goes "the best things in life are free" and I can honestly say that's true with me this year. It would be nice to have new clothes and new shoes (and maybe even a brand new Babolat Pure Drive GT) but even more meaningful than that are the hand-written cards from Ms. Fortich. As well as the voicemail of Tita Christy and Lola Rochelle singing happy birthday to me via voicemail.

When you treasure that which satisfies, the delight is that much more intense.

finding time to write

Where to start?

I celebrated my birthday in Florida with my family. It was pretty nice. Originally I was planning on throwing a party and inviting a bunch of people (I haven't done this in so long), but chose not to this year (again). Same reason as before--why draw attention to myself? So, I just took Ethan and Jessica to Disney. 'Twas grand.

We ended up staying at AKL. I always heard about how awesome the place was but got scared by how much the rooms were. After staying there for a weekend, I think that the prices of the lodge can be justified once in a lifetime. There's just something special about waking up with a giraffe in your backyard. It's awesome.

Unfortunately it rained the full day we stayed. Friday was gorgeous. Sunday was beautiful. Saturday wasn't meant to be. So goes my life. Jessica and my parents were pretty tired by the middle of the day and I was tired of being the only one with energy. The next time I take a trip I'm definitely taking a friend. I did get to try out the new Toy Story ride though. That place was amazing. And I felt awesome because I broke 6 digits my first time on the ride.

I saw Myriam and the Santos while I was down there. Myriam has a lot of skill conversing with young people. As does Praise. I learned that conversing with a 4 year old doesn't mean dumbing down your vocabulary. But, the richest conversations with kids stem from having a genuine interest in what they have to say without expectations...just like one should with any other person. The trick is viewing them as just another person instead of as just a kid. What a thought.

I'll write more tomorrow. I'm sleepy.

ogred

I guess you get what you ask for.

Very weird day today. I've been getting blacklisted like crazy but whatever. The weekend will come soon enough and sunny florida should provide much excitement.

Huzzah!

not again

I would give $100 to be able to turn into an ogre.


That way I could just repel everyone and have alone time.

weekend writings

Finally some time to process.

I was able to play musical chairs with the shift scheduling. It took some pulling of strings and some repaying of favors owed to me, but when it came down to it I got it done. It was kind of weird. But it kind of validated the notion that all it takes is a few phone calls and some creative finagling to get something accomplished. It really is all about who you know.

I ended up riding with Captain Teri down to the tennis match. She was a hot mess because she was nervous. Then I said "dood will you chill? You're even making me nervous and I'm as cool as they come." It made her laugh. Then she wasn't so anxious. Good first sign.

I anticipated the match to come down to line 5 and sure enough I was right. Vivian and I won our match. Matt and Terri lost theirs (this surprised me). David and Hong won theirs (no surprise) and Teri/Matt got killed (this was the biggest "whattttt!!?>"). So it came down to Kristy and Thomas.

They ended up going to three sets where they lost. It was awful. Both teams were tied 3-3 when all four people started tensing up like crazy. Part of what made K/T so good was Thomas was real aggressive at the net. But, in his tightening up, he started playing very conservative. Then the other team started attacking Kristy and it caused her to make errors. Eventually she made the set clinching unforced error.

Then that look on her face that I'll never forget.

It was the most polarizing image of disappointment. The personification of crestfallen. It looked like she felt like she let everyone down and was so sad she couldn't pull through.

But I couldn't have been anymore proud.

She played so well. Hitting very solid groundstrokes all over the place. Then even at the net her skills were tested and flourished when she finally just let go and just reacted. She even had some killer volleys! I was so happy for her. I would've given anything to just hug her in that moment. It would've been the only way for me to let her know that she had nothing to be ashamed of.

I feel like inside, she knew she played her best and she knew she should hold her head up high. But any sort of affirmation would have gone such a long way for her. And, in fairness, everyone on our team did such a great job doing such afterward. Everyone hugged Kristy and Thomas and our whole team just came together with positivity in the end. It was awesome.

I hugged Kristy and everyone else. It was special to me. Still.







Then sunday came.

I was doing west cameras and thought I was doing some straight up professional work. Then the director changed all that. He didn't like anything I was doing. I couldn't understand why but it was what it was.

I had two options--do whatever I wanted and just keep going or just do whatever he wanted despite how menial the requirements were. I chose the latter even though it was like pulling teeth.

Eventually I realized that sometimes what makes you grow as a person is a willingness to simply obey. Even when you know better or are straight up better than someone else, giving them the grace of obedience goes a long way.

Hopefully this seed will bear fruit at some point in the future.



Then I played tennis for 4 hours today.

sometimes the weird days happen

Yesterday was kind of strange.

I never really understood ash wednesday. It marks the beginning of the Lenten period but I don't understand a lot of the traditions. The ash on the head? The fasting? If these are supposed to be meaningful, wouldn't it make more sense to do stuff like that continually? Why wait until one day out of the year?

I guess that makes it more meaningful as well. Meh.

man not again

I traded yesterday.

Yesterday evening was supposed to be devoted to reevaluation and contemplation. Instead I chose to play tennis. I hit around with my team for a good bit and stuff. Then, I got to play with Phuong.

Talk about humility.

All this time I thought I was getting better. Then I just got owned. Not even owned. Just straight up PWN. We played a set and I lost 6-0. The best I could muster was simply extending the games to deuce. I didn't play my best, but it was so great seeing how I need to step off my high horse and realize that I need to work on my game more if I want to be truly great.

Then of course came seeing Kristy again.

I get so extremely happy just to see her. Even though our conversations now are nothing more than hello I still light up a little bit because of her value to me. But, it's kind of weird because I don't really know what I should to to act around her. I try "just being myself" but that doesn't yield anything. I'll smile and try and act like my playful self but she doesn't seem to be amused with me at all. Yesterday the best I could muster was a little joke and she quaintly responded, "you're lame." I try texting her now and then just to be "normal" but, again, no interest.

It really is a terrible feeling.

Now I find myself in the most precarious of situations because I've spent a considerable amount of time this morning just thinking about her. I talked about it yesterday with Myriam about how dumb it makes me feel. She did the usual readjusting of the lens, but I think it was helpful to know that it's ok that I STILL miss her.

And, the more I'm able to objectively survey the situation, the more things become obvious to me. She means a lot to me. I don't mean that much to her. It is what it is.

craziness

life has been nuts.

I've been meaning to write in this thing for a long time but it's been difficult prioritizing. In no particular order...

- $300 in my pocket. Thank you Beau!

- Slot Machines are the most brilliant invention ever. People just mindlessly allow their money to get vacuumed away by bright lights and sounds. Genius!

- If there's no such thing as absolute truth, then we'd all be right and wrong simultaneously.

- It is arrogant to believe Jesus is the only way to heaven...unless He really is the only way to heaven. Then it'd just be truth.

- You can't help people who don't want your help.

- Not all stories have a great ending.

- Some people are just selfish.

- Digiana's surgery went well!


More detail tomorrow.

tuesday tirade

Eventful.

Started the day getting estimates for my car. Giving grace can be quite a bother at times no? Turns out the lady did over $1000 of damage to my car! Talk about oh snaps! And fittingly Honda gave a CHEAPER estimate than the third party body shop ($11xx vs $14xx). The plan is to meet with the lady tomorrow at 3:30. I'm finishing tomorrow with a check or a newly stated claim. Either way progress gets made tomorrow.

Ended up breakfasting with the Kat Kat. Apparently she needed a reminder of my disturbingly large appetite (my diminutive stature is deceiving). We had splendid conversations as normal and the chic-fil-a was absolutely a treat.

After that was over, I traversed through the rain to Casey and Bernadette's house to see the new baby. She looks healthy enough and slept the whole time. Yay! I got into some pretty deep conversations with Bernadette and started discussing (literally) everything. It was refreshing to be around people who care today.

One thing that was weird was Bernadette asked me what makes me happy. I'm still not completely sure how to answer that question. I think right now knowing that I can give something to someone and it light their face up makes me quite joyful. That and starting to see the fruits of all this hard work I've been putting in make me happy. The more I thought about it though...the more I discovered that real contentment cannot be bought. It must be derived from somewhere. And I think I can say that mine truly comes from God. Not in a "holier than thou" kind of way. But knowing that no matter how screwed up I am there's someone who has yet to give up on me and still loves me more than ever...it's kind of unreal. But it is. Wow.

Ended the night kind of jaded with Christianity. All of my family came over for a planned prayer meeting for my cousin Digi. I played guitar with my aunt and it felt so good just to have the whole family singing. Then it just got awkward.

Tito Tito was asked to speak at the thing tonight and used a lot more time than everyone expected. I'm all for trying to "witness" and tell people about God, but is it appropriate to do so at an event where it's likely that the majority of people may not share the same faith as you? While the accuracy of everything he was talking about was 100% correct, by the time the 40 minute talking was over, everyone was exhausted. It may just be me, but I think there's equally great danger to push people away from God when you talk them to death than there is in "saving" them. Not to mention the marathon prayers that follow thereafter.

The night was supposed to focus on Digiana and her upcoming brain surgery. Yes...God is in control, but I guess I just don't see how relevant it would be to tell people how material things are meaningless when people are crying over the possibility of thursday.

grace grace

It's been a strange 48 hours.

Sunday is what started it all. It began when John Ortberg (a man I've been kind of "eh" about before) talked at my church. He basically recycled the talk he gave to all the small group leaders from saturday but whatever. The message was important nonetheless. God created everyone to play a very unique purpose. People shouldn't try and do things to "get close to God." Rather, people should discover who God made them to be SO THAT the relationship they have with God will naturally develop itself. It doesn't really just unravel all by itself but his premise is solid. I'm reading his book and it seems interesting enough so yeah.

Afterward was my tennis match. Tennis has been a really fickle part of my life. With a great addiction in the summertime with it settling down to an enjoyable hobby of late. I joined an ALTA team and was doing a regular match. However something about sunday seemed kind of off. We ended up losing (something I'm still kinda frustrated with but w/e). But I ended up learning a few things.

The first thing is that obviously I won't win every match. This was kind of hard for me to swallow because I never even lost a set up to this point. And frankly, I could probably beat everyone I played if it was a straight singles match. But humility has a strange way of saying "peek-a-boo!" and showing yet again how much I need to humble myself. My response should simply be that of honoring those I played with and honoring God with my effort--win or lose. Matt Stover did this in the superbowl by pointing at the sky even after he missed his FG. It was kind of confirmation that no matter what happens God gets glory.

Another thing is that I could really be more supportive of Terri. She didn't have the greatest of games and I could tell that her confidence started changing throughout the course of the match. I tried encouraging her but she just kind of dismissed it. It's tricky talking to a partner in doubles. Some words could have great effect and others none at all. I kept trying to plant seeds and I kept my confidence in her but I guess nothing was getting through. After the loss I wanted to just give her a hug and just way that I was happy we tried hard but I knew how badly we both wanted to win. I didn't want to trivialize that. But I just couldn't do anything.

Which leads to the last thing I learned about the match. Despite how much potential talent and gifting I have...I have to come to a discovery where I can't be everything and do everything for everyone. It's quite unnerving because I can figure a lot of things out. But even if I can find an answer...it doesn't mean I can execute. And that's what happened here. I knew that mentally Terri's confidence was out of whack--but what could I do about it? Despite my altruism, this may have been something that she has to go through so that she can emerge a stronger player. It's kind of dumb when you think about it. It's like intentionally taking a step back in order to take two steps forward. Doesn't make any sense to me but it may be authentic progress for someone else. Go figure.

In fitting fashion, my day ended (literally) with a smash. I was parked in a parking lot when a woman, conveniently backing her BMW X5 out while on her cell phone, decided it would be a great idea for her back bumper to meet my right rear tail light.

I still don't know why she thought it would be wise to back her car up without first evaluating whether or not it would be remotely possible for a car to be in an adjacent parking space. Some people are just weird?

I surveyed the situation and looked at her when my face decided to communicate the expression "..really..?" involuntarily. She couldn't muster the nerve to look at me in the face. Then, as she communed with her Korean cohorts, they assessed the damage and deliberated what would be an acceptable amount to pawn off a "kid" like me. Educated in this ordeal, I stated that I was well aware of what my rights were and what I legally had the right to obtain. Then my friend decided it would be all the more hilarious to notify them that he was indeed korean and could understand every word they were saying. I was already PO'd that I was missing the super bowl. This was just kind of adding insult to injury.

But then out of nowhere I was reminded of how much grace I have been shown. And I realized this was an opportunity to show her the same.

I could have called the police for an official report (I didn't).
I could have filed a claim with the insurance company disregarding the woman's situation (she already got into an accident less than a month ago and it had been causing conflict in their marriage) so I didn't.
I could have not been reasonable at all (I didn't).

Instead I just kind of worked with her at her level and we'll see how it goes. It's kind of weird because I don't feel any better than her just because I'm being nice to her. But, my sincere hope is that she'll see the compassion someone paid to her and reciprocate it for someone else.

Cause that's what someone did to me. And look what a difference that has made.

Oh snaps!

Weirdness.

The day started with me getting pulled over on the way to work. It was one of those small residential roads that are dimly lit. I was just minding my own business when I saw passed the po-po. Suddenly I knew (uh-oh). Pulled over and was the most respectful asian boy ever. Thankfully I ended up just getting a warning. It was cool too because this guy was the Lieutenant Marshall of John's Creek. Score!

Most of the morning involved some pretty intense creativity. The DT bar went out so the store was stuck on one bar the whole time. Alex and I were the ones assigned for bar that day. Since she's a lot faster than me, we came up with a system where I would just prepare everything and she'd just finish it off. It worked out great and we laughed. I'm kinda scared with her. I don't know whether or not she has a boyfriend but she's become increasingly more "friendly" lately. I don't really want our friendship to head there so I don't know what I'm going to do. I figure maybe it's best that I just keep being me for now but set the record straight as soon as it starts "getting there."

Later in the morning this one girl gave me her number. She's a regular customer and I'm real friendly and stuff but I never thought she'd be so forthcoming. I wonder what she's up to? Maybe it's just casual and she wants to be friends. But I've never had a girl approach ME. Then again, everything kinda happens backward at this store. I mean, I've been called Tiger Woods by several different people, been told I was "very beautiful", and then been complimented by how pristine my smile is. Oh and of course my infamous stalker. Joy.

Then, perhaps the cherry on my dessert of the day, there was lovely Amelia. You see, Amelia strolled in the store sporting a fabulous pea coat fit for the runway. After she took the tie out, her hair flowed downed in very Herbal Essence-esque fashion. Her smile brightened up the relative gloom of Thursday's sunless drape over the store. I made eye contact with her colleague (I later learned she referred to her as "mom") and wondered what drink I could make them. I can't quite remember what happened, but when Amelia showed me her toy salamanders, I was hooked. I made her kids hot chocolate so fast it set a record.

Anyway, I bring her up because before she left she made sure to come back and show me what she made. Freshly torn from her winnie the pooh coloring book was this picture of a horse painted a crayolic shade of gray. On the bottom there was calligraphy resembling the word "Amelia." She smiled at me and said "I made this for you mister!"

I melted.

I don't know what it's like to have kids but I think I truly understand why they're so precious. Unpretentious and transparent, they embody an innocence that gets lost along the "growing up" phase. I believe that when we see them, we get reminded of one of the things life is all about and fall in love all over again. What a reprieve.

Ended the night with my men. For one reason or another they really look up to me. I simply taught a bunch of the stuff I went through from Oct-Dec and they soaked it in. It's a really weird feeling to be the youngest person leading a group of older people. But I guess that's one of the ways God works. Uses the most unconventional of methods to accomplish the most extraordinary results. I don't know whether or not they'll implement a lot of the stuff I left them with...but I guess that's ok. I'm not accountable anymore.

Spent more time thinking about the various things in my life tonight. Everything from Kristy to moving. I think I'll give it a night before I write more about it.

one of those weird days

Life.

- Only an hour and a half until I lead some guys into scary, scary waters. I've been through a lot--but now it's time to leverage the journey for other people's benefit.

- Received an email today from someone I haven't talked to in a really long time. Good to hear from them but don't know how to handle that relationship either.

- More job propostitions are coming in. It's looking more promising. I didn't get the one that would've moved me overseas...but it's nice to know that I'm not at the bottom of the hill anymore.

- Philosopher A. Keys says it best, "some people think that the physical things define what's within. I've been there before but that life's a bore--so full of the superficial."

- Go Andrew Garcia!!!!!

- I may be crazy but I think one of my talents may be cultivating. HAven't explored this full on but it's getting there.

- Biloxi here I come?

late night thought

As hard as I've tried, there's one thing I can't seem to figure out--what exactly do you do with the relationships that, although once were truly precious, are now awkward at best?

It happened tonight when I thought about Kristy.

The writing is clearly everywhere regarding this woman..

- none of my close friends like her (well...at least what they've heard of how she's treated me).
- she's shown repeated disregard for my feelings.
- she has demonstrated an indifferent attitude toward my interests.
- she's been deceptive regarding several issues in our past.
- she hasn't been nearly the friend to me that I've been to her.


Everyone and their mother tells me to stay far far away from her. But I miss her friendship. Our late night conversations about the weird things that we both enjoy. Our interests in the "other" things. Our ability to laugh during the awkward moments.

I guess these are all things that I could find in other friends. But I am so morose when I reflect on how quickly our friendship has deteriorated. I feel almost as if it's my fault.


I really miss you Kristy.

the to be continued

An interesting two days.

After the crazyness of monday, I supposed it was fitting that on friday I had to work with both parties for an extended amount of time. It was weird. There was tension in the air. There was political correctness. I wasn't as chipper as I normally was.

Instead, I found that I simply worked. And by work and mean work. I did my monkey starbucks chores the best I could. I kind of think that the whole jazz from monday was simply a ploy to get me to work harder and I was a sucker for falling for it. But man if it is that it sure is effective.

One thing I have come to realize is that just because I understand a concept that should be universally applied, I have no right to expect other people to make the same discovery. That is, just because I am able to look in the mirror and see my own faults, I shouldn't expect other people to look at their own mirrors. In fact, I don't think it's that big of a stretch to say that some people live their entire lives pointing a finger out the window into other people's lives and never once looking themselves in the mirror.

And, while that isn't satisfying to me, it's something I have learned to receive.

Another principle I have discovered as a result of this mess is that I am only accountable to God for me. I used to think God owed me explanations for why things happen. Why was I treated this way? Why did this have to happen to me? Why whatever. But what I've come to realize is that I have no grounds to approach God in that way at all. If the belief is that I cannot get to heaven through my own good works (ha!) but solely through Jesus, then there is a flip side to that. By believing that only forgiven people go to heaven would be to also believe that God is holy/righteous and owes nothing to anyone.

So, for me to demand an explanation, would be sorta like a little kid getting angry at their parents for not buying him a toy a target. The parent desires to give the best to the child...but that doesn't mean that the child always understands what's best for him.

The more I delve into this faith the more ridiculous it becomes. Awesome.

better

Had a great day at work today.

Turns out that I wasn't the only one who got feedback and that the opinion regarding me is quite varied among the people. Generally speaking, a lot of people would be just fine if everyone in the store were more like me. Now, I know that's easy since I'm so awesome (j/k?) but it helps to understand that this is probably why I was so peeved yesterday. I was being told something that wasn't true and was almost forced to accept it as truth.

Not much else happened. My dad loved the headphones I got him for his birthday . I won my tennis match. Hooray?

Tomorrow is a new day; and I'm very much looking forward to it.

officially going crazy

I had a very weird day at work today.

Work wise, nothing was that much different than anything else. Same junk as we just served customers and did whatever. Yet, it was as I was finishing allocating the tip money that things became real interesting.

Amy, a fellow barista, came and wanted to converse with me. Eventually discussion shifted as to why I didn't want to work another saturday night again (it will be the 4th week in a row this saturday and will have been the 5th if I got scheduled for next week). I stated that I especially didn't like Mary Katherine closes.

My opinion is simply that often times closers get relegated the really terrible grunt work of the store. It's a lot of cleaning and a lot of restocking. I recognize that there's nothing necessarily wrong with this picture; it has to get done sometime. My biggest problem is that Mary Katherine likes doing stuff on top of the regular closing duties. The extra stuff being chores that won't really count for much in the long term (like cleaning the inside of a cabinet for instance). That and I will usually only get one 10 minute break for a 4-6 hour shift when she's working.

Anyway, all this aside, eventually I voiced some of my complaints and the discussion suddenly shifted to a "let's talk about what fred needs to work on session." Now, I'm the biggest fan of constructive and helpful feedback, but today I just felt like there was a lot of tension in the air about things people wanted to say but just didn't have the balls to do it.

Apparently the biggest criticism about my work is that I'm too slow. That is, I do a really great job at everything that's expected of me...I just don't do it fast enough. This is problematic given that Starbucks is growing more and more concerned about how fast people get their drinks. The concern compounds when you take into account that I don't do the monkey work chores very quickly either.


I got pretty upset the rest of the day. I couldn't make sense of the fact that I was being singled out on the one attribute I was average at. And I don't really think it's fair to hold me accountable at something that isn't a strength of mine. It's like asking a bad typist to step up their game and type faster. Why not instead of working on a weakness, delegate it instead? That is, if I'm not good a typing (but I'm good at editing), just pair up with a good typist while I do all the editing? More stuff gets done and both people don't go crazy trying to do something they aren't good at.


I'm still unpeaceful about this but whatever. We'll see what happens.