rainy sundays

Sometimes the rain creates a necessary slow period in our lives.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the springtime. Well, I don't love Atlanta's obscene pollen counts (2000+ per cubic inch is just hellish frankly), but otherwise I generally regard sunshine as a good thing. But the rain helps make space. It forces people to go indoors and make adjustments to their plans. In my case, I've found time to write.

I've been thinking a lot lately (a new thought I know). And one particular thing I've found to be true about me is the fact that I cannot stand when someone has a false impression of me. That is, if they believe something to be true about me that is absolutely UNtrue about me. I feel a very bizarre urge to prove myself to everyone. To kind of say "HEY! I AM NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL."

Ironically, I make it a very good habit to keep very close friendships with people who are precisely the opposite. Many close friends of mine have pretty thorough disregard for what people perceive their identity to be. It's a very healthy "I don't care" as well. They walk with a supreme confidence in them. Never with an arrogance of I think I'm better than you so F-off; but rather... "I love who God made me to be and I'm not too proud to admit that I'm still a work in progress." Even my friends who don't follow Jesus still have this about them. They kind of stick to their original wiring of "who says I can't think [x] is cool? And if I'm the only one who thinks that then so be it."

For me, I have a very annoying tendency to figure out why someone doesn't view things the same way as me. So, if someone thinks I'm a liar for example, I must discover what would cause them to believe something like that about me. If I can figure it out, I can try to educate in order to eliminate any misunderstanding/false opinions.


But I'm learning that life isn't always that linear or neat.


Part of what I've been able to learn lately is that any time there is criticism/feedback about me, it is ALWAYS an opportunity for growth. Regardless of whatever assertion is made (whether from ungrounded hearsay or from well-researched expert opinions), there is a development opportunity. The way this has been able to play itself out for me is that I've started to ask a different question. It has grown from "why would this person think [x] about me?" to "what kind of reputation is my life garnering?"

It's subtle. It's very small. But it's a perspective shift that's so significant that it's blown me away. Because in those small moments the focus changes from simply trying to deflect potential embarrassment to instead living a life with nothing to be ashamed of. Or, in other words, it goes from trying to maintain an image to surrendering image maintenance altogether. This holistic approach seems to have great potential for satisfaction. In fact it's the central tenet of Christianity.

Too bad it's taken me so long to just get my head around the concept -_-