I will find out after this weekend whether or not I will remain contracted to New York Life.
Strangely, I am very peaceful either way.
Could this be the fruit of............faith?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Saturday Morning Thoughts
I have just finished my breakfast and I'm watching some ice skaters grace around the rink.
It has been a tumultuous couple of days. Yet, I think I'm finally starting to see daybreak. I believe that whenever hardships come into one's life, it's akin to braving a storm. This is an important identification because storms, no matter how violent or how serene, all come to an end at some point. The duration of the storm is something entirely different. There are no guarantees. They can be gentle refreshments (such as an overnight shower). Or they can be tempests (hurricane Katrina). But it ends.
For the past two weeks I have been focused entirely on the elements surrounding me (I like to call it tropical storm Beluga). While there has been a lot on my plate, I think one reason I've been noticeably heavy the past several days is because my focus has been off. This is something that I have observed in the past, but for one reason or another have failed to take appropriate action regarding such. I still don't understand what's wrong with me.
It has been a tumultuous couple of days. Yet, I think I'm finally starting to see daybreak. I believe that whenever hardships come into one's life, it's akin to braving a storm. This is an important identification because storms, no matter how violent or how serene, all come to an end at some point. The duration of the storm is something entirely different. There are no guarantees. They can be gentle refreshments (such as an overnight shower). Or they can be tempests (hurricane Katrina). But it ends.
For the past two weeks I have been focused entirely on the elements surrounding me (I like to call it tropical storm Beluga). While there has been a lot on my plate, I think one reason I've been noticeably heavy the past several days is because my focus has been off. This is something that I have observed in the past, but for one reason or another have failed to take appropriate action regarding such. I still don't understand what's wrong with me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
tuesday was
better.
I never realized how the weather plays into one's mood. Although today was better than yesterday, there's still a lot up in the air.
Yesterday reached an all time low. I ended up crying actually. I was listening to Samuel Barber's adagio for strings and the music did something that triggered all these emotions.
Anger at how I was humiliated yesterday.
Sadness at how I don't really talk to Kristy anymore.
Confusion over my job.
Helplessness knowing I have zero control over all of it.
Pretty soon my whole head will be gray.
I never realized how the weather plays into one's mood. Although today was better than yesterday, there's still a lot up in the air.
Yesterday reached an all time low. I ended up crying actually. I was listening to Samuel Barber's adagio for strings and the music did something that triggered all these emotions.
Anger at how I was humiliated yesterday.
Sadness at how I don't really talk to Kristy anymore.
Confusion over my job.
Helplessness knowing I have zero control over all of it.
Pretty soon my whole head will be gray.
Monday, May 18, 2009
manic mondays
I'm feeling awful.
It started with this morning. I went to work today (actually pretty eager to get the day rolling and everything). When all of a sudden I got a text message saying that career builder today was in Brian's office. Brian isn't the most encouraging of people. But then again why should he be? He's paid his dues. Being the general manager of the Atlanta GO, it's technically his job to ride everyone just to make sure they're doing what they need to. This is how his life intersects mine.
The story basically boils down to Brian chewing me out because my numbers aren't where they should be at the moment. I could go on and on justifying my position (which I truly have some justification), but the bottom line is that my number isn't where Brian or NYL expects it to be. But what really got to me today was how Brian essentially humiliated me (and one other person) in front of everyone.
"You should take the next two weeks off and just quit."
There's lots of talk at the office about celebrating pain, but it's something else to just get told that straight up in your face. I have nothing but respect for Brian (he wouldn't be in the position he's in were it not for the hard work he has already done), but I think it's wise to consider alternative forms of motivation besides negative ones. Not everyone responds well to that BS.
In my case, all it did was discourage me.
Perhaps that was the whole point. He either wanted me to intensify my efforts or get off the bandwagon. I guess I responded favorably (I ended up setting four appointments today) but whatever. I mean it's like when you hit a horse with a whip. Sure he'll move faster. You'll probably be able to produce repeated results for a considerable amount of time. But how long until the horse's back gives out due to repeated abuse? That's why Jesus was so brilliant. He had every authority to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were relative to their standing before God. But instead, He truly saw people as they should be and not as they appeared at the moment. What a guy.
I better be careful with how this junk affects me. There's gunk buildup all around in my heart.
I feel like I was treated unfairly.
I feel frustrated because my work isn't paying off.
I feel disappointed because I let myself get in this position.
I feel angry because I can't get back at Brian.
Maybe I just feel jealousy because I'm not making as much money as Brian.
I feel a lot of things right now. And I'm losing focus.
Yet, I still have faith. If I work as hard as I can on my end, I can't be held accountable anymore.
I can only trust God for the rest.
It started with this morning. I went to work today (actually pretty eager to get the day rolling and everything). When all of a sudden I got a text message saying that career builder today was in Brian's office. Brian isn't the most encouraging of people. But then again why should he be? He's paid his dues. Being the general manager of the Atlanta GO, it's technically his job to ride everyone just to make sure they're doing what they need to. This is how his life intersects mine.
The story basically boils down to Brian chewing me out because my numbers aren't where they should be at the moment. I could go on and on justifying my position (which I truly have some justification), but the bottom line is that my number isn't where Brian or NYL expects it to be. But what really got to me today was how Brian essentially humiliated me (and one other person) in front of everyone.
"You should take the next two weeks off and just quit."
There's lots of talk at the office about celebrating pain, but it's something else to just get told that straight up in your face. I have nothing but respect for Brian (he wouldn't be in the position he's in were it not for the hard work he has already done), but I think it's wise to consider alternative forms of motivation besides negative ones. Not everyone responds well to that BS.
In my case, all it did was discourage me.
Perhaps that was the whole point. He either wanted me to intensify my efforts or get off the bandwagon. I guess I responded favorably (I ended up setting four appointments today) but whatever. I mean it's like when you hit a horse with a whip. Sure he'll move faster. You'll probably be able to produce repeated results for a considerable amount of time. But how long until the horse's back gives out due to repeated abuse? That's why Jesus was so brilliant. He had every authority to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were relative to their standing before God. But instead, He truly saw people as they should be and not as they appeared at the moment. What a guy.
I better be careful with how this junk affects me. There's gunk buildup all around in my heart.
I feel like I was treated unfairly.
I feel frustrated because my work isn't paying off.
I feel disappointed because I let myself get in this position.
I feel angry because I can't get back at Brian.
Maybe I just feel jealousy because I'm not making as much money as Brian.
I feel a lot of things right now. And I'm losing focus.
Yet, I still have faith. If I work as hard as I can on my end, I can't be held accountable anymore.
I can only trust God for the rest.
I commit to writing to this more often
So much going on.
So little commitment to get my thoughts written down. Soon enough.
So little commitment to get my thoughts written down. Soon enough.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
new day
help me stay focused Lord.
Help my joy be grounded on what is undeniably true instead of what seems to be consistently changing.
And lead me in the way of the everlasting.
Help my joy be grounded on what is undeniably true instead of what seems to be consistently changing.
And lead me in the way of the everlasting.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Friday Afternoon Thoughts
Well it finally happened.
I was able to have the long awaited "DTR" talk with Kristy. And now, although it's going to suck tremendously, it seems agreed upon that we will simply no longer talk.
I guess the beginning starts with the rather unique set of circumstances leading up to our epic discussion. This week has been finals week for her so to try and encourage her, I create/sent her a "finals survivor kit." Such a kit includes the following items:
- homemade card from yours truly
- can of guarana (energy)
- bag of doritos (calories = energy)
- organic blend of blueberry, raspberry, and other juices (anthocyanin)
- fruit cup of blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry (anthocyanin)
- cup of pecans (folic acid)
- one apple (acetylcholine)
This was all conveniently packaged of course. So our conversation begins with her (freshly hungover from a night drinking) thanking me for being so sweet to her. The requisite small talk commences and soon enough we begin our DTR.
Honestly, all I wanted to do was be on the same page as her. There has been a whole lot of growing closer but should we be getting this close kind of feeling and I couldn't stand it anymore. If we're going to get deeper we had to be on the same page. If we didn't want to get that way I had to readjust my expectations for the relationship. So this was the approach I took. This ended up being a 1.5 hour conversation. Essentially here are the main points that I got:
- she's "fine" with the way things are now. The only time she can't stand it is when we fight over where our relationship going.
- her main concern is me allowing her to be simply who she is. And not trying to force anything on her.
- The closer she gets to me, the more she realizes how much she doesn't want to be with me.
- She doesn't want to be with me because she just doesn't "feel" anything for me.
- If she could have things her way (in a perfect world) we would just continue the way things are now.
- she doesn't understand why things have to be so complicated for me and I can't just let her be herself.
Anticipating all of this, I let her know that if she wanted me to just view her as a normal friend of mine, that I would be completely willing to do that. It's just that, given the type of person that I am, the "normal friend" category in my life is marginally better than mere acquaintance. This is the heart of where the tension is. Because she wants the level of closeness that we currently share, but she's unwilling to explore that bond any further. The rationale being that the only way to explore that further is that we would be dating (which as she highlighted numerous times is something that she doesn't want to do).
The whole time we talked I just felt like all she wanted to do was rub in my face how much she didn't want to date me. But the thing is I'm not even looking for that. Here's the way I see it:
1) There's a pretty strong connection between me and Kristy (agreed)
2) Said connection is something unfound as we are completely unlike each other (agreed)
3) Said connection is also what draws us to each other (Fred 1 Kristy 0)
4) Why not pursue that connection and see how deep it goes?
But all of this is neither here nor there.
She views me as just a friend.
I view her as more than a friend.
And, for now, the strategy is to get me back to the place where I view her simply as a friend.
It's too bad that we'll probably end up sacrificing our friendship altogether to get there.
I was able to have the long awaited "DTR" talk with Kristy. And now, although it's going to suck tremendously, it seems agreed upon that we will simply no longer talk.
I guess the beginning starts with the rather unique set of circumstances leading up to our epic discussion. This week has been finals week for her so to try and encourage her, I create/sent her a "finals survivor kit." Such a kit includes the following items:
- homemade card from yours truly
- can of guarana (energy)
- bag of doritos (calories = energy)
- organic blend of blueberry, raspberry, and other juices (anthocyanin)
- fruit cup of blueberry, raspberry, and strawberry (anthocyanin)
- cup of pecans (folic acid)
- one apple (acetylcholine)
This was all conveniently packaged of course. So our conversation begins with her (freshly hungover from a night drinking) thanking me for being so sweet to her. The requisite small talk commences and soon enough we begin our DTR.
Honestly, all I wanted to do was be on the same page as her. There has been a whole lot of growing closer but should we be getting this close kind of feeling and I couldn't stand it anymore. If we're going to get deeper we had to be on the same page. If we didn't want to get that way I had to readjust my expectations for the relationship. So this was the approach I took. This ended up being a 1.5 hour conversation. Essentially here are the main points that I got:
- she's "fine" with the way things are now. The only time she can't stand it is when we fight over where our relationship going.
- her main concern is me allowing her to be simply who she is. And not trying to force anything on her.
- The closer she gets to me, the more she realizes how much she doesn't want to be with me.
- She doesn't want to be with me because she just doesn't "feel" anything for me.
- If she could have things her way (in a perfect world) we would just continue the way things are now.
- she doesn't understand why things have to be so complicated for me and I can't just let her be herself.
Anticipating all of this, I let her know that if she wanted me to just view her as a normal friend of mine, that I would be completely willing to do that. It's just that, given the type of person that I am, the "normal friend" category in my life is marginally better than mere acquaintance. This is the heart of where the tension is. Because she wants the level of closeness that we currently share, but she's unwilling to explore that bond any further. The rationale being that the only way to explore that further is that we would be dating (which as she highlighted numerous times is something that she doesn't want to do).
The whole time we talked I just felt like all she wanted to do was rub in my face how much she didn't want to date me. But the thing is I'm not even looking for that. Here's the way I see it:
1) There's a pretty strong connection between me and Kristy (agreed)
2) Said connection is something unfound as we are completely unlike each other (agreed)
3) Said connection is also what draws us to each other (Fred 1 Kristy 0)
4) Why not pursue that connection and see how deep it goes?
But all of this is neither here nor there.
She views me as just a friend.
I view her as more than a friend.
And, for now, the strategy is to get me back to the place where I view her simply as a friend.
It's too bad that we'll probably end up sacrificing our friendship altogether to get there.
Ahh, humble
You do not delight in sacrifice
or I would bring it
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
No wonder.
or I would bring it
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
No wonder.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Friday Morning Thoughts
I love quotes!
"Whatever...You are easily replaceable." - Kristy Tran
Yet here I am missing her like crazy.
"Whatever...You are easily replaceable." - Kristy Tran
Yet here I am missing her like crazy.
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