Saturday, April 28, 2007

day after

still hurting.

still confused.

still searching.

still having time focusing.


Woe is me.

therapeutic solitude

Well Jesus...if you want my attention, I think you finally have it.

I don't have Alicia nor do I have Glorie. I suppose I'm "stuck" with You...and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about that.

To be honest, I'm not sure how much I trust what You have in store for me. I probably have been subconsciously trying to guide this whisper called life on my own for the past several years now. Finding myself in a situation where I have absolutely no control feels awkward. This must be where faith comes from. When you act purely based off of trust. I hope my faith is big cause I sure feel a huge awkard hole in my life right now.

I just wish I didn't hurt so much right now.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Friday, April 20, 2007

Madness

In wake of the tragic events that have transpired at Virginia Tech, I have been able to examine myself. If something like that were to happen to me, how would I react?

I don't know much about the killer or the videos/letter that he mailed, but apparently the guy was quite bitter with the way he was treated. This leads me simply to survey why people act the way that they do. This guy was obviously an extreme in that he ended up slaughtering the lives of 33 innocent people. However, what he went through in the events leading up to tragic monday are surely no different from what many of us have experienced in our own lives.

After all, who on earth finds it easy to be rejected? I lived in recently...as in 1.5 months ago. Thinking about a very special person as one of the most significant things going in your life...only to have them hand it down to you gently that you are but a mere wrinkle in their blanket of life.

It's tough.

To this day I still relive that night over and over again. Just feeling my heart drop 2 inches as soon as I realized that everything I had envisioned for a close-knit friendship had been absolutely crushed due to mere words. I can't even begin to enumerate the times that I have been rejected growing up in life by the people who were supposed to be quite dear to me.

Again, I say, it's tough.

The dilemma then becomes not the experience in itself, but rather the reaction. Good things are going to happen to us and bad things are going to happen to us--this is certain. However, what shall be your response when these life ridges stare you in the face? The VT killer chose to expel his pent up emotion by robbing others of what the very life he felt was robbed of him.

Me? I try my hardest to voluntarily choose to serve those that reject me. Humility, dear friend, is the virtue that is hardest to find in others. Anyone can be nice to another person so long as they're pampered with blessings. It truly takes a unique person to hug the person who has just punched you in the stomach.

Obviously learning this humility does not occur overnight...but I believe that the process is gratifying in and of itself. From the tiny morsel that I've tasted of this life so far, one absolutely awesome thing I've found is that there's something truly fulfilling in finding joy. When you find joy experiencing the bliss of life, it's delightful. When you find joy experiencing the nightmares of life, it's even better. However, when you find joy in realizing that you can stare at the person so maliciously pointing their finger down at you, and still smile because you love them past their harsh judgment, well...that joy is euphoric.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Riddle me this

What do you get when you cross a Fred with a really late shift?

Blog posts like this.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

yeah..

So I woke up this morning to my alarm at the usual 8:45 A.M. I figured it would be a good idea to "rest my eyes" for five more minutes. An hour and 15 minutes later I find myself missing church. It's ok. Church is more than just a building. I'll make time to worship Him in a few.

In other news I was thinking about Alicia again. She said to me that she was on myspace. I decided to search for her on myspace and ended up finding her. I read her blog and found a survey thing that she posted. I think it'll help me if I answered it.

1.Who are you?

I am Fred Godoy. The one and only.

2. Are we friends?

I think we are at a minimal level. We were quite close earlier this year but things have changed haven't they?

3. When and how did we meet?

We meet randomly in the utilidor when the special one named Kevin Kelly would hiss at you incessantly until you paid him attention. Then you saw me and immediately recognized how superior I was to him in every way.

4. Do you have a crush on me?

Not anymore. I didn't really hide it that well when I did though.

5. Would you kiss me?

Not now. Although I never rule anything out.

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

I'd call you anti-fred. After all, we are the opposite of each other aren't we?

7. Describe me in one word.

Enchanting.

8. What was your first impression?

Wow. What an energetic person.

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

Of course I do. I still think you are one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life.

10. What reminds you of me?

Everything really. Being surrounded by Disney always points to you and your amazing knowledge of Disney.

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

I would give you the secret to reading me. That way it won't be so awkward anymore.

12. How well do you know me?

Not well enough. I started knowing more and more about you but we don't get close anymore.

13. When's the last time you saw me?

At magic kingdom. I wrote about it a few posts ago. You were far from close.

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

Ha. That should be the title to my pursuit of your friendship. Then again it's usually not the fact that I couldn't tell you something but instead it was the fact that there were things that were understood the right way.

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

If you find this blog, I'd LOVE to hear your response.

2:19 in the morning and...

No I'm not thinking about Alicia. At least not entirely thinking about her. I don't really want to sleep and instead just find myself thinking about my life in general right now.

I only have 40 more days until I go back home to Georgia. With that said, I'm not sure how much I want to go back. Don't get me wrong...there are plenty of things that I miss back in Georgia, but I have learned and have grown so much since I've been here. I can only attribute this growth spurt to the fact that I'm truly out on my own. It hasn't always been such an easy life but I've learned to get by. What more is that I've learned to be joyful and especially thankful for the little that I have. Honestly.

That said...I've kind of been thinking about things. What do people really need to get by? When I get home, I truly think I will get saddened by my lifestyle. Who really needs a flat panel HD television? Do I really need to be typing on an apple laptop computer? Where is the difference between necessity and desire? Does that fine line differ from person to person? Why do I even think about these things in the first place?

Another way I've grown is that I've learned so much more about myself. For example...I'm going to have to learn how to be


crap. got interupted by an unexpected phone call. now my train of thought is all out of place. Oh well. This will have to continue at another point in time.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

My moment to pause

I can't stay focused.

One of the most peculiar things about my life is the fact that I have such low self-esteem. I am not quite certain why it is that I suffer from this ill percepcion of myself but I'm absolutely convinced that it is as such. I believe that I do a superb job of presenting a faux version of Fred to other people. This alternate version of me is bleeding confidence and is quite charismatic. Yet, after the layers are peeled away, there still remains this frail version of me that I can't seem to shake.

With this said, the thing that bothers me most is that I know that I shouldn't view myself in this way. If anything, Jesus thinks the world of me. If the logic that God is all-powerful and all-knowing is true, then someone so mighty surely wouldn't have made (nor think for that matter) someone (me in this instance) so incapable of reflecting those unique traits in some way. This, in turn, leads me to wonder all the more where this low self-esteem comes from.

Perhaps it's from my past. Rejection after rejection surely has taken a toll on my emotions somewhere down the line. It could be my dependence on other people for acceptance. The more that other people have failed to accept me as myself...the more I try to "fit" what they are/were looking for. Maybe it's cause I'm just so blasted weird. Who knows.

If ever I was lost...now is as a good as time as ever.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

some time off

So I called in today. First time this whole program (meaning ~ 4 months). A couple of my roomates and I went to wonderworks. It's a weird little place where you just walk around and do stuff. Think Ripley's believe it or not...it's their competitor. It was kind of cool. It was rather overpriced though. $20? I think not.

Yesterday I was regularly scheduled off. So what did I decide to do?...hang out with Glorie. That was interesting to say the least. One thing I truly don't understand is that we're not attached to each other anymore yet we still manage to get into some of the most amazing fights. I don't get it at all. To make matters even worse the things we fought about yesterday were so stupid. I mean who fights about marinading chicken anyway?
Not all was lost though. We did manage to salvage the rest of the night. We saw Meet the Robinsons (which is one of the most fantastic films I've seen in quite some time by the way) and had a normal dinner. It was really great. I did make one mistake. I ended up putting my arm around Glorie during the movie. That probably put thoughts in her head that were unintended. It just kind of felt right you know? I can't really explain it. Yet as soon as we sat down it's like I felt that I was in a way supposed to put my arm around her. I don't know how to explain it. Dinner was fantastic though. We just felt like friends.

Other than that I've been working like crazy. It's nuts. I don't want to complain. But I am being quite serious when I say that I do feel like a peasant here in this conglomerate known as Walt Disney Company. I wish I would make a difference somehow. What I would give to stand out.

Lastly, as much as it bothers me to say it, I truly miss Alicia. We haven't talked in so long. I wonder if she's well. I've been so good lately...being more Disney you know? I just finished watching Mary Poppins this morning! I hope she'll be happy for me. I just hope we can hang out one last time. That would make me so happy.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Friday Morning Thoughts

I still find myself thinking about Alicia a lot. It's sad. It's been so long since we've talked or seen each other that I probably couldn't spot her if I tried. Okay...I know I'd be able to spot her from a mile away but you get what I mean. I just miss her so much you know? Why can't we just hang out like old times? Why do I keep making things harder for the both of us? I'm so pathetic.

In other news, I worked 13 hours yesterday and will work another 13 hours today. I worked kind of fine yesterday. It was just...long. Ha.

My thoughts are so scattered right now. I don't even know what to write about. There are few things left that I have yet to do while I'm down here. I'm going to the beach April 26th. Don't know who I'll go with but I'm going to go. I'm going to Busch Gardens on May 1st. Don't know who I'm going to go with there either but I'm going to go. Then there's the "Spring Formal" on May 7th. I DEFINITELY don't know who I'm going to go with there and am not even sure if I'll go to that. I originally planned on going there with Glorie but our break up kind of shook things up. I don't think it would be wise to go with her as "just friends" cause after that night (dressing up and having a dinner which is one of the things she desired to do most when we were together) we would hardly be "just friends. I want to go with Alicia but don't think she'd even allow that. Maybe I'll just go by myself. Hehe...I really am a loser.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

2:30 in the morning this time

I wish you missed me just a little bit. Then I could feel special again.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

2:00 in the morning and...

what do I find myself thinking about?

Alicia Jensen.

I miss you so much. I miss being able to talk to you just about life. You'll never know it but you're one of the few people in my life that I've found it very easy to talk to. I miss being able to learn from you simply by you sharing with me what you've gone through in life. I miss you doing the same.

Now when I talk to you it's mere shallow smalltalk. "Oh work was...." you'll say. "Really? That's wonderful" I'll reply. Empty words that merely fill in the space in order to make things feel less awkward for the both of us. Such a travesty that I've turned our friendship into such disarray.

I saw you twice today. I wanted to say bye to you before I left the park. You were walking both times...hurriedly pacing yourself toward your destination. I don't think you saw me. I wanted to call out your name but I didn't. I didn't feel like it would be appropriate of me. I don't have access to you like that anymore. Although you were only a few feet away you felt further than the moon.

I wish I could hug you. I wish you could see that all I want is your friendship and nothing romantic. I think the world of you Alicia. And to think that after 50 more days I'll lose you forever. I'm so sorry.