My moment to pause

I can't stay focused.

One of the most peculiar things about my life is the fact that I have such low self-esteem. I am not quite certain why it is that I suffer from this ill percepcion of myself but I'm absolutely convinced that it is as such. I believe that I do a superb job of presenting a faux version of Fred to other people. This alternate version of me is bleeding confidence and is quite charismatic. Yet, after the layers are peeled away, there still remains this frail version of me that I can't seem to shake.

With this said, the thing that bothers me most is that I know that I shouldn't view myself in this way. If anything, Jesus thinks the world of me. If the logic that God is all-powerful and all-knowing is true, then someone so mighty surely wouldn't have made (nor think for that matter) someone (me in this instance) so incapable of reflecting those unique traits in some way. This, in turn, leads me to wonder all the more where this low self-esteem comes from.

Perhaps it's from my past. Rejection after rejection surely has taken a toll on my emotions somewhere down the line. It could be my dependence on other people for acceptance. The more that other people have failed to accept me as myself...the more I try to "fit" what they are/were looking for. Maybe it's cause I'm just so blasted weird. Who knows.

If ever I was lost...now is as a good as time as ever.