Wednesday, February 24, 2010

ogred

I guess you get what you ask for.

Very weird day today. I've been getting blacklisted like crazy but whatever. The weekend will come soon enough and sunny florida should provide much excitement.

Huzzah!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

not again

I would give $100 to be able to turn into an ogre.


That way I could just repel everyone and have alone time.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

weekend writings

Finally some time to process.

I was able to play musical chairs with the shift scheduling. It took some pulling of strings and some repaying of favors owed to me, but when it came down to it I got it done. It was kind of weird. But it kind of validated the notion that all it takes is a few phone calls and some creative finagling to get something accomplished. It really is all about who you know.

I ended up riding with Captain Teri down to the tennis match. She was a hot mess because she was nervous. Then I said "dood will you chill? You're even making me nervous and I'm as cool as they come." It made her laugh. Then she wasn't so anxious. Good first sign.

I anticipated the match to come down to line 5 and sure enough I was right. Vivian and I won our match. Matt and Terri lost theirs (this surprised me). David and Hong won theirs (no surprise) and Teri/Matt got killed (this was the biggest "whattttt!!?>"). So it came down to Kristy and Thomas.

They ended up going to three sets where they lost. It was awful. Both teams were tied 3-3 when all four people started tensing up like crazy. Part of what made K/T so good was Thomas was real aggressive at the net. But, in his tightening up, he started playing very conservative. Then the other team started attacking Kristy and it caused her to make errors. Eventually she made the set clinching unforced error.

Then that look on her face that I'll never forget.

It was the most polarizing image of disappointment. The personification of crestfallen. It looked like she felt like she let everyone down and was so sad she couldn't pull through.

But I couldn't have been anymore proud.

She played so well. Hitting very solid groundstrokes all over the place. Then even at the net her skills were tested and flourished when she finally just let go and just reacted. She even had some killer volleys! I was so happy for her. I would've given anything to just hug her in that moment. It would've been the only way for me to let her know that she had nothing to be ashamed of.

I feel like inside, she knew she played her best and she knew she should hold her head up high. But any sort of affirmation would have gone such a long way for her. And, in fairness, everyone on our team did such a great job doing such afterward. Everyone hugged Kristy and Thomas and our whole team just came together with positivity in the end. It was awesome.

I hugged Kristy and everyone else. It was special to me. Still.







Then sunday came.

I was doing west cameras and thought I was doing some straight up professional work. Then the director changed all that. He didn't like anything I was doing. I couldn't understand why but it was what it was.

I had two options--do whatever I wanted and just keep going or just do whatever he wanted despite how menial the requirements were. I chose the latter even though it was like pulling teeth.

Eventually I realized that sometimes what makes you grow as a person is a willingness to simply obey. Even when you know better or are straight up better than someone else, giving them the grace of obedience goes a long way.

Hopefully this seed will bear fruit at some point in the future.



Then I played tennis for 4 hours today.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

sometimes the weird days happen

Yesterday was kind of strange.

I never really understood ash wednesday. It marks the beginning of the Lenten period but I don't understand a lot of the traditions. The ash on the head? The fasting? If these are supposed to be meaningful, wouldn't it make more sense to do stuff like that continually? Why wait until one day out of the year?

I guess that makes it more meaningful as well. Meh.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

man not again

I traded yesterday.

Yesterday evening was supposed to be devoted to reevaluation and contemplation. Instead I chose to play tennis. I hit around with my team for a good bit and stuff. Then, I got to play with Phuong.

Talk about humility.

All this time I thought I was getting better. Then I just got owned. Not even owned. Just straight up PWN. We played a set and I lost 6-0. The best I could muster was simply extending the games to deuce. I didn't play my best, but it was so great seeing how I need to step off my high horse and realize that I need to work on my game more if I want to be truly great.

Then of course came seeing Kristy again.

I get so extremely happy just to see her. Even though our conversations now are nothing more than hello I still light up a little bit because of her value to me. But, it's kind of weird because I don't really know what I should to to act around her. I try "just being myself" but that doesn't yield anything. I'll smile and try and act like my playful self but she doesn't seem to be amused with me at all. Yesterday the best I could muster was a little joke and she quaintly responded, "you're lame." I try texting her now and then just to be "normal" but, again, no interest.

It really is a terrible feeling.

Now I find myself in the most precarious of situations because I've spent a considerable amount of time this morning just thinking about her. I talked about it yesterday with Myriam about how dumb it makes me feel. She did the usual readjusting of the lens, but I think it was helpful to know that it's ok that I STILL miss her.

And, the more I'm able to objectively survey the situation, the more things become obvious to me. She means a lot to me. I don't mean that much to her. It is what it is.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

craziness

life has been nuts.

I've been meaning to write in this thing for a long time but it's been difficult prioritizing. In no particular order...

- $300 in my pocket. Thank you Beau!

- Slot Machines are the most brilliant invention ever. People just mindlessly allow their money to get vacuumed away by bright lights and sounds. Genius!

- If there's no such thing as absolute truth, then we'd all be right and wrong simultaneously.

- It is arrogant to believe Jesus is the only way to heaven...unless He really is the only way to heaven. Then it'd just be truth.

- You can't help people who don't want your help.

- Not all stories have a great ending.

- Some people are just selfish.

- Digiana's surgery went well!


More detail tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

tuesday tirade

Eventful.

Started the day getting estimates for my car. Giving grace can be quite a bother at times no? Turns out the lady did over $1000 of damage to my car! Talk about oh snaps! And fittingly Honda gave a CHEAPER estimate than the third party body shop ($11xx vs $14xx). The plan is to meet with the lady tomorrow at 3:30. I'm finishing tomorrow with a check or a newly stated claim. Either way progress gets made tomorrow.

Ended up breakfasting with the Kat Kat. Apparently she needed a reminder of my disturbingly large appetite (my diminutive stature is deceiving). We had splendid conversations as normal and the chic-fil-a was absolutely a treat.

After that was over, I traversed through the rain to Casey and Bernadette's house to see the new baby. She looks healthy enough and slept the whole time. Yay! I got into some pretty deep conversations with Bernadette and started discussing (literally) everything. It was refreshing to be around people who care today.

One thing that was weird was Bernadette asked me what makes me happy. I'm still not completely sure how to answer that question. I think right now knowing that I can give something to someone and it light their face up makes me quite joyful. That and starting to see the fruits of all this hard work I've been putting in make me happy. The more I thought about it though...the more I discovered that real contentment cannot be bought. It must be derived from somewhere. And I think I can say that mine truly comes from God. Not in a "holier than thou" kind of way. But knowing that no matter how screwed up I am there's someone who has yet to give up on me and still loves me more than ever...it's kind of unreal. But it is. Wow.

Ended the night kind of jaded with Christianity. All of my family came over for a planned prayer meeting for my cousin Digi. I played guitar with my aunt and it felt so good just to have the whole family singing. Then it just got awkward.

Tito Tito was asked to speak at the thing tonight and used a lot more time than everyone expected. I'm all for trying to "witness" and tell people about God, but is it appropriate to do so at an event where it's likely that the majority of people may not share the same faith as you? While the accuracy of everything he was talking about was 100% correct, by the time the 40 minute talking was over, everyone was exhausted. It may just be me, but I think there's equally great danger to push people away from God when you talk them to death than there is in "saving" them. Not to mention the marathon prayers that follow thereafter.

The night was supposed to focus on Digiana and her upcoming brain surgery. Yes...God is in control, but I guess I just don't see how relevant it would be to tell people how material things are meaningless when people are crying over the possibility of thursday.

Monday, February 08, 2010

grace grace

It's been a strange 48 hours.

Sunday is what started it all. It began when John Ortberg (a man I've been kind of "eh" about before) talked at my church. He basically recycled the talk he gave to all the small group leaders from saturday but whatever. The message was important nonetheless. God created everyone to play a very unique purpose. People shouldn't try and do things to "get close to God." Rather, people should discover who God made them to be SO THAT the relationship they have with God will naturally develop itself. It doesn't really just unravel all by itself but his premise is solid. I'm reading his book and it seems interesting enough so yeah.

Afterward was my tennis match. Tennis has been a really fickle part of my life. With a great addiction in the summertime with it settling down to an enjoyable hobby of late. I joined an ALTA team and was doing a regular match. However something about sunday seemed kind of off. We ended up losing (something I'm still kinda frustrated with but w/e). But I ended up learning a few things.

The first thing is that obviously I won't win every match. This was kind of hard for me to swallow because I never even lost a set up to this point. And frankly, I could probably beat everyone I played if it was a straight singles match. But humility has a strange way of saying "peek-a-boo!" and showing yet again how much I need to humble myself. My response should simply be that of honoring those I played with and honoring God with my effort--win or lose. Matt Stover did this in the superbowl by pointing at the sky even after he missed his FG. It was kind of confirmation that no matter what happens God gets glory.

Another thing is that I could really be more supportive of Terri. She didn't have the greatest of games and I could tell that her confidence started changing throughout the course of the match. I tried encouraging her but she just kind of dismissed it. It's tricky talking to a partner in doubles. Some words could have great effect and others none at all. I kept trying to plant seeds and I kept my confidence in her but I guess nothing was getting through. After the loss I wanted to just give her a hug and just way that I was happy we tried hard but I knew how badly we both wanted to win. I didn't want to trivialize that. But I just couldn't do anything.

Which leads to the last thing I learned about the match. Despite how much potential talent and gifting I have...I have to come to a discovery where I can't be everything and do everything for everyone. It's quite unnerving because I can figure a lot of things out. But even if I can find an answer...it doesn't mean I can execute. And that's what happened here. I knew that mentally Terri's confidence was out of whack--but what could I do about it? Despite my altruism, this may have been something that she has to go through so that she can emerge a stronger player. It's kind of dumb when you think about it. It's like intentionally taking a step back in order to take two steps forward. Doesn't make any sense to me but it may be authentic progress for someone else. Go figure.

In fitting fashion, my day ended (literally) with a smash. I was parked in a parking lot when a woman, conveniently backing her BMW X5 out while on her cell phone, decided it would be a great idea for her back bumper to meet my right rear tail light.

I still don't know why she thought it would be wise to back her car up without first evaluating whether or not it would be remotely possible for a car to be in an adjacent parking space. Some people are just weird?

I surveyed the situation and looked at her when my face decided to communicate the expression "..really..?" involuntarily. She couldn't muster the nerve to look at me in the face. Then, as she communed with her Korean cohorts, they assessed the damage and deliberated what would be an acceptable amount to pawn off a "kid" like me. Educated in this ordeal, I stated that I was well aware of what my rights were and what I legally had the right to obtain. Then my friend decided it would be all the more hilarious to notify them that he was indeed korean and could understand every word they were saying. I was already PO'd that I was missing the super bowl. This was just kind of adding insult to injury.

But then out of nowhere I was reminded of how much grace I have been shown. And I realized this was an opportunity to show her the same.

I could have called the police for an official report (I didn't).
I could have filed a claim with the insurance company disregarding the woman's situation (she already got into an accident less than a month ago and it had been causing conflict in their marriage) so I didn't.
I could have not been reasonable at all (I didn't).

Instead I just kind of worked with her at her level and we'll see how it goes. It's kind of weird because I don't feel any better than her just because I'm being nice to her. But, my sincere hope is that she'll see the compassion someone paid to her and reciprocate it for someone else.

Cause that's what someone did to me. And look what a difference that has made.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Oh snaps!

Weirdness.

The day started with me getting pulled over on the way to work. It was one of those small residential roads that are dimly lit. I was just minding my own business when I saw passed the po-po. Suddenly I knew (uh-oh). Pulled over and was the most respectful asian boy ever. Thankfully I ended up just getting a warning. It was cool too because this guy was the Lieutenant Marshall of John's Creek. Score!

Most of the morning involved some pretty intense creativity. The DT bar went out so the store was stuck on one bar the whole time. Alex and I were the ones assigned for bar that day. Since she's a lot faster than me, we came up with a system where I would just prepare everything and she'd just finish it off. It worked out great and we laughed. I'm kinda scared with her. I don't know whether or not she has a boyfriend but she's become increasingly more "friendly" lately. I don't really want our friendship to head there so I don't know what I'm going to do. I figure maybe it's best that I just keep being me for now but set the record straight as soon as it starts "getting there."

Later in the morning this one girl gave me her number. She's a regular customer and I'm real friendly and stuff but I never thought she'd be so forthcoming. I wonder what she's up to? Maybe it's just casual and she wants to be friends. But I've never had a girl approach ME. Then again, everything kinda happens backward at this store. I mean, I've been called Tiger Woods by several different people, been told I was "very beautiful", and then been complimented by how pristine my smile is. Oh and of course my infamous stalker. Joy.

Then, perhaps the cherry on my dessert of the day, there was lovely Amelia. You see, Amelia strolled in the store sporting a fabulous pea coat fit for the runway. After she took the tie out, her hair flowed downed in very Herbal Essence-esque fashion. Her smile brightened up the relative gloom of Thursday's sunless drape over the store. I made eye contact with her colleague (I later learned she referred to her as "mom") and wondered what drink I could make them. I can't quite remember what happened, but when Amelia showed me her toy salamanders, I was hooked. I made her kids hot chocolate so fast it set a record.

Anyway, I bring her up because before she left she made sure to come back and show me what she made. Freshly torn from her winnie the pooh coloring book was this picture of a horse painted a crayolic shade of gray. On the bottom there was calligraphy resembling the word "Amelia." She smiled at me and said "I made this for you mister!"

I melted.

I don't know what it's like to have kids but I think I truly understand why they're so precious. Unpretentious and transparent, they embody an innocence that gets lost along the "growing up" phase. I believe that when we see them, we get reminded of one of the things life is all about and fall in love all over again. What a reprieve.

Ended the night with my men. For one reason or another they really look up to me. I simply taught a bunch of the stuff I went through from Oct-Dec and they soaked it in. It's a really weird feeling to be the youngest person leading a group of older people. But I guess that's one of the ways God works. Uses the most unconventional of methods to accomplish the most extraordinary results. I don't know whether or not they'll implement a lot of the stuff I left them with...but I guess that's ok. I'm not accountable anymore.

Spent more time thinking about the various things in my life tonight. Everything from Kristy to moving. I think I'll give it a night before I write more about it.