The thought occurred to me today that rubbing against the grain isn't a bad thing.
It just feels like it all of the time. Part of this tension comes with the dilemma of following Christ. Biblically speaking, Jesus states up front that following him requires going "all in." That is, if you aren't prepared to give up everything to follow Him, then you really aren't worthy to follow in the first place. In fact, He goes to the extreme of saying if we do not hate our father and mother (and even our own life) we cannot be a disciple.
Sometimes I find myself experiencing difficultly articulating why I choose to follow. I can say a lot of political stuff (He died for my sins) and it would be true, but not quite authentic. I feel like often times I'm pursuing God because of how much He has changed my life. Just like any other relationship, the more you're around someone the more you become like them. This is true for better or for worse. With God, it's been extraordinarily better. Not to say that I don't go through drama or anything (ha), but that I'm such a better person now because of my relationship with God. I don't know if this is quite biblical or not, but it is what it is.
All this said, I've spent much of the past week dwelling on the thought of "Who has God made me to be?" I feel like I'm in such a daze right now. I don't have a "real job", the one girl I thought there would be genuine potential in long term has just finished wrecking me, and I'm finding that I'm starting to distance myself with someo f my friends.
I'm just a hot mess right now. And it's weird.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday Night Thought
What business is it of mine if God is or is not working in someone else's life? If God is working in mine, that's profound in and of itself.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
progress?
Had the day off today.
It was refreshing. I spent it getting my hair did, playing Batman on the playstation, and catching up with my mom. For a large part of the morning, I spent a whole lot of time just reflecting. Who does God want me to be? Rather, who has God made me to be? Readjusting your focus is all about perspective. If you're focusing on the small stuff, think bigger. If your vision is too grand, stop being a heat lamp and start being a laser beam. Balance, as always, is the key.
It feels like this whole thing with Kristy is like a breakup. Every little thing reminds me of her. I'll be doing something when all of a sudden emotion will violently tug me from high to low. I wish I knew the end of this story. You know, skip through the commercial. But I can't. And it sucks. And although it feels good just being able to say that simply for what it is, I must pay attention to how this is shaping me. Whether I like it or not, my character is being molded. The only influence I have is steering the direction. I want to be known as someone who has extraordinary character so I would be wise to keep that in mind.
I still care for her so much. And as each day progresses, I recognize that it's quite likely that this fall out of ours will not get proper addressing. For her, she will at some point make contact and pretend like nothing happened at all. I wish I could just let her know that I don't want to bring crap up from the past just to live in the past or create drama, but to fully settle things for a more solid foundation going forward. It's just like killing weeds. You can take the top off and make sure that everything is pretty on the lawn, but you run the risk of something triggering the weed to start growing again in the future. The superior extraction method would be to tackle the weed from the root and completely eliminate the threat moving forward. It's so much more tedious and a lot dirtier, but man is it worth it to have that putting green lawn.
That said, one underrated thing happening here is the obvious problem with my faith and the cultivation therein. If I truly believed God and trusted that He really had purpose in everything that I was going through, I'd have so much peace and joy. Moreover, my desire to serve God would only intensify as this would prove just how easily satisfied (and thus easily disappointed) I can be. Instead, because I'm not quite as mature as I'd like, this has done nothing but shown how much of a gaping hole there is in my prayer life. It's convicting. But it's great because I see it as something I can begin working on.
And I guess that's where I find myself for now. Listening to classical music before I wake up for a job interview tomorrow. In a peculiar place where grinning has become a mainstay, I think I'm getting a little better.
And it feels great.
It was refreshing. I spent it getting my hair did, playing Batman on the playstation, and catching up with my mom. For a large part of the morning, I spent a whole lot of time just reflecting. Who does God want me to be? Rather, who has God made me to be? Readjusting your focus is all about perspective. If you're focusing on the small stuff, think bigger. If your vision is too grand, stop being a heat lamp and start being a laser beam. Balance, as always, is the key.
It feels like this whole thing with Kristy is like a breakup. Every little thing reminds me of her. I'll be doing something when all of a sudden emotion will violently tug me from high to low. I wish I knew the end of this story. You know, skip through the commercial. But I can't. And it sucks. And although it feels good just being able to say that simply for what it is, I must pay attention to how this is shaping me. Whether I like it or not, my character is being molded. The only influence I have is steering the direction. I want to be known as someone who has extraordinary character so I would be wise to keep that in mind.
I still care for her so much. And as each day progresses, I recognize that it's quite likely that this fall out of ours will not get proper addressing. For her, she will at some point make contact and pretend like nothing happened at all. I wish I could just let her know that I don't want to bring crap up from the past just to live in the past or create drama, but to fully settle things for a more solid foundation going forward. It's just like killing weeds. You can take the top off and make sure that everything is pretty on the lawn, but you run the risk of something triggering the weed to start growing again in the future. The superior extraction method would be to tackle the weed from the root and completely eliminate the threat moving forward. It's so much more tedious and a lot dirtier, but man is it worth it to have that putting green lawn.
That said, one underrated thing happening here is the obvious problem with my faith and the cultivation therein. If I truly believed God and trusted that He really had purpose in everything that I was going through, I'd have so much peace and joy. Moreover, my desire to serve God would only intensify as this would prove just how easily satisfied (and thus easily disappointed) I can be. Instead, because I'm not quite as mature as I'd like, this has done nothing but shown how much of a gaping hole there is in my prayer life. It's convicting. But it's great because I see it as something I can begin working on.
And I guess that's where I find myself for now. Listening to classical music before I wake up for a job interview tomorrow. In a peculiar place where grinning has become a mainstay, I think I'm getting a little better.
And it feels great.
Monday, October 12, 2009
regrettable reality
It's been a rough 48 hours.
Thankfully, not as rough as I can handle. I didn't sleep much saturday evening. Thought after thought ran laps in my mind beckoning me to relive each moment of the evening with scintillating clarity. It's quite unfortunate for the night to have ended the way it did. I don't think either of us wanted things to go the way they did--but they did. I wanted so bad at the end of the night (when I tried to walk her to her door only to be met with more rudeness) to just embrace her with such completeness; as if to imply, "you're still precious to me even in you're foolishness" but could not get close enough to even get the attempt in.
Sunday sucked. I had to serve at northpoint and didn't have the will to. I left rehearsal crestfallen and instead of going to eat breakfast with the rest of SPD crew I just went in my car and stared at the ceiling. Tears followed several minutes afterward accompanied by that all-too-familiar feeling of deep pain. Thankfully I have a handful of true friends who are even at 8 AM on a sunday morning and quick to carry my pain with me (even when I'm stubborn and unwilling to let them). Things got better throughout the day (I totally pwned the guy I was up against in my tennis league and my parents told me lots of stories from their Mexico trip) but night came again and so did my emptiness.
It was easier to focus today. The feeling of being burned wasn't so intense and instead transformed into one of confusion. Why would Kristy treat me this way in the first place? If she's frustrated of being "idealized" as some perfect woman in my world, why not just say so? Is it really necessary to be straight up ugly to me? WTF?
Nonetheless, today was the first time in a long time I prayed so sincerely for her. That God would have mercy on her and for Him to work in her life such that she would find true and everlasting joy even if that meant that I wouldn't be part of that picture. It felt so real to be praying for her. Not because in the end I want credit for it, but because I was sincerely caring deeply for the person who hurt me just as deeply.
Now, at the end of the night, I am in realization (again) that there's so much I have to work on myself. It's kind of silly when you think about it. I gloat on how mature and stuff I am but then can't seem to comprehend the conclusions I made on this very same topic just 4 short weeks ago. Character is a very rare thing to find in people (especially given current popular culture). Do I really believe all of this Christian nonsense? Or am I just saying all the right things given my circle of friends? I believe it's times like these which speak loudly either way.
I guess we're about to see what I'm truly made of.
No. Rather, I guess we're about to see what I'm being made to be.
Thankfully, not as rough as I can handle. I didn't sleep much saturday evening. Thought after thought ran laps in my mind beckoning me to relive each moment of the evening with scintillating clarity. It's quite unfortunate for the night to have ended the way it did. I don't think either of us wanted things to go the way they did--but they did. I wanted so bad at the end of the night (when I tried to walk her to her door only to be met with more rudeness) to just embrace her with such completeness; as if to imply, "you're still precious to me even in you're foolishness" but could not get close enough to even get the attempt in.
Sunday sucked. I had to serve at northpoint and didn't have the will to. I left rehearsal crestfallen and instead of going to eat breakfast with the rest of SPD crew I just went in my car and stared at the ceiling. Tears followed several minutes afterward accompanied by that all-too-familiar feeling of deep pain. Thankfully I have a handful of true friends who are even at 8 AM on a sunday morning and quick to carry my pain with me (even when I'm stubborn and unwilling to let them). Things got better throughout the day (I totally pwned the guy I was up against in my tennis league and my parents told me lots of stories from their Mexico trip) but night came again and so did my emptiness.
It was easier to focus today. The feeling of being burned wasn't so intense and instead transformed into one of confusion. Why would Kristy treat me this way in the first place? If she's frustrated of being "idealized" as some perfect woman in my world, why not just say so? Is it really necessary to be straight up ugly to me? WTF?
Nonetheless, today was the first time in a long time I prayed so sincerely for her. That God would have mercy on her and for Him to work in her life such that she would find true and everlasting joy even if that meant that I wouldn't be part of that picture. It felt so real to be praying for her. Not because in the end I want credit for it, but because I was sincerely caring deeply for the person who hurt me just as deeply.
Now, at the end of the night, I am in realization (again) that there's so much I have to work on myself. It's kind of silly when you think about it. I gloat on how mature and stuff I am but then can't seem to comprehend the conclusions I made on this very same topic just 4 short weeks ago. Character is a very rare thing to find in people (especially given current popular culture). Do I really believe all of this Christian nonsense? Or am I just saying all the right things given my circle of friends? I believe it's times like these which speak loudly either way.
I guess we're about to see what I'm truly made of.
No. Rather, I guess we're about to see what I'm being made to be.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
suck at dating
Chalk another one up on the board!
Just finished probably THE most epic fail of a date with Kristy. I seriously don't know what masochist wiring I have inside to continue to endure such relentless coldness but Kristy is such an expert at it. It's kind of funny too considering I was listening to Black Eyed Peas before we left and i was all like "I'm not so confident tonight will be a good night."
It started predictably. She was tired and annoyed from her day at work and was late getting ready (no biggie). I go to pick her up and am absolutely enamored by how beautiful I thought she was. She walks right past me and gets straight into the car. Then she spends almost the entirety of the car ride talking on the phone or texting while we're driving there. I try to persevere and think good thoughts about our night, but it's pretty hard at this point.
Somewhere along the way, I stop to give her the flowers I bought for her. I was foolish enough to think that something like that would be special for her. After all, they were different and just her color (it was a purple/blue iris surrounded by a bigger version of baby's breath and some greenery). But the flowers ended up triggering a bunch of crap (ugh). She got kind of flustered and started saying how I don't need to get her flowers all the time and how she always feel bad when I get her stuff. I tell her that when you give gifts, it's not about the money that's spent--it's about the thoughtfulness of the gift implied. She gets mor pissed.
We got to our restaurant (Osterio del Figo) when things actually perked up just a little bit. She talked about what was pleasing and not pleasing to her decor wise and we continued to wait for our food. Somehow our casual conversation ended up turning right back to the flower I got her.
This is when the breaking point in the evening came. [It's kind of hard writing about this...because it's so emotionally taxing. How does one continue to purely care about someone when they repeatedly have utter disregard for your feelings.]
She ended up saying something along the lines of:
"Whatever fred. You think you know me but you don't know me. You think I like getting flowers and it makes me happy. I like getting flowers just not from you."
heart = destroyed.
We ended up not seeing the show at the rialto anymore. She wanted me to take her straight home. The car ride was her talking about how bad she felt for what she was doing. I told her that I still think she's wonderful. She said she wished I didn't try so hard. I said I wish I was worth a damn to her. She said she felt like such a bitch. I'm glad I DIDN'T say it's cause she was acting like a PMS-ing idiot.
And so that was my saturday night. I suck at life.
Just finished probably THE most epic fail of a date with Kristy. I seriously don't know what masochist wiring I have inside to continue to endure such relentless coldness but Kristy is such an expert at it. It's kind of funny too considering I was listening to Black Eyed Peas before we left and i was all like "I'm not so confident tonight will be a good night."
It started predictably. She was tired and annoyed from her day at work and was late getting ready (no biggie). I go to pick her up and am absolutely enamored by how beautiful I thought she was. She walks right past me and gets straight into the car. Then she spends almost the entirety of the car ride talking on the phone or texting while we're driving there. I try to persevere and think good thoughts about our night, but it's pretty hard at this point.
Somewhere along the way, I stop to give her the flowers I bought for her. I was foolish enough to think that something like that would be special for her. After all, they were different and just her color (it was a purple/blue iris surrounded by a bigger version of baby's breath and some greenery). But the flowers ended up triggering a bunch of crap (ugh). She got kind of flustered and started saying how I don't need to get her flowers all the time and how she always feel bad when I get her stuff. I tell her that when you give gifts, it's not about the money that's spent--it's about the thoughtfulness of the gift implied. She gets mor pissed.
We got to our restaurant (Osterio del Figo) when things actually perked up just a little bit. She talked about what was pleasing and not pleasing to her decor wise and we continued to wait for our food. Somehow our casual conversation ended up turning right back to the flower I got her.
This is when the breaking point in the evening came. [It's kind of hard writing about this...because it's so emotionally taxing. How does one continue to purely care about someone when they repeatedly have utter disregard for your feelings.]
She ended up saying something along the lines of:
"Whatever fred. You think you know me but you don't know me. You think I like getting flowers and it makes me happy. I like getting flowers just not from you."
heart = destroyed.
We ended up not seeing the show at the rialto anymore. She wanted me to take her straight home. The car ride was her talking about how bad she felt for what she was doing. I told her that I still think she's wonderful. She said she wished I didn't try so hard. I said I wish I was worth a damn to her. She said she felt like such a bitch. I'm glad I DIDN'T say it's cause she was acting like a PMS-ing idiot.
And so that was my saturday night. I suck at life.
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