press pause

The thought occurred to me today that rubbing against the grain isn't a bad thing.

It just feels like it all of the time. Part of this tension comes with the dilemma of following Christ. Biblically speaking, Jesus states up front that following him requires going "all in." That is, if you aren't prepared to give up everything to follow Him, then you really aren't worthy to follow in the first place. In fact, He goes to the extreme of saying if we do not hate our father and mother (and even our own life) we cannot be a disciple.

Sometimes I find myself experiencing difficultly articulating why I choose to follow. I can say a lot of political stuff (He died for my sins) and it would be true, but not quite authentic. I feel like often times I'm pursuing God because of how much He has changed my life. Just like any other relationship, the more you're around someone the more you become like them. This is true for better or for worse. With God, it's been extraordinarily better. Not to say that I don't go through drama or anything (ha), but that I'm such a better person now because of my relationship with God. I don't know if this is quite biblical or not, but it is what it is.

All this said, I've spent much of the past week dwelling on the thought of "Who has God made me to be?" I feel like I'm in such a daze right now. I don't have a "real job", the one girl I thought there would be genuine potential in long term has just finished wrecking me, and I'm finding that I'm starting to distance myself with someo f my friends.

I'm just a hot mess right now. And it's weird.