the ripple effect

It has been quite some time.

Most of the reason is because I haven't quite been "in the mood" to journal and such. The dissenting minority rationale is because I've been so scared of what would come out that I had no balls to proceed. There have been times where I have sat down, in this trusty ol' chair of mine, to chronicle what has been happening in my life, but I would always stop prematurely. I guess a lot of it comes with the fact that it's pretty difficult to break down everything that's been going on lately.

Work wise, I was dealt a pretty big blow this week when OB10 called me back. I was one of two finalists whom they were considering for one of their positions but I was the runner up. I put my best foot forward, but my interest kinda waned toward the end because it became evident that the position would be more and more sales based the more I found out about it. So, I suppose it'll be starbucks for even LONGER than I originally anticipated. No big deal though. I could have no job at all or working as an elephant cage cleaner at Disney. Selah!

Spritually, I've been very turbulent. I'm not praying as hard or as much as I used to. Nor am I half as consistent with digging in the Word. I've become very lazy with these disciplines and it's truly perplexing why I don't take steps to remedy the situation. I still have those transient conversation prayers with God all the time though. All throughout the day I'll think about Him and just think of whether or not He truly is aware of my life. I think this is probably concerning since it's likely that it's evidence of lack of faith. Oh snapz ):

Tennis wise, I lost my first match this week. Epic failure. /end

Relationship wise, I'm a hot mess. I was able to meet up with Emily this week. It was interesting as this has been the first time we've seen each other ever since she decided to pull that drama act in the summer. We were able to express things in transparency but it still feels unsettled. I think it's because I feel like her apology is fake. But then again, as I was thinking about it, I don't really know how one is supposed to deem an apology acceptable or unacceptable. I think that as Christians, our role is unequivocally to demonstrate the same grace that has been shown to us. And I find that hard...because there's still such a significant portion of me that wants to punch her in the face for her stupidity. But Jesus never punched me in the face for my stupidity...so there goes my logic -_-

Kristy wise, I'm pretty unsettled. I feel so betrayed. So lied to. So disgusted as to how she can be this way. I feel like our friendship has been cheapened and she doesn't care at all. And somehow I know that she will find a way to rationalize things so that everything she did will be justified and I am the one who ends up foolish. But what am I supposed to do as a result of that?

That is, when you keep showing a person grace and they keep running all over you, what is the appropriate response?

A lot of people say I'm wasting my time showing compassion toward her, but I don't feel like that's the case. I think that ruthless grace is such a difficult thing to find. It's not my role to be her everything, but I think one of the best ways I can show up big is to demonstrate first hand what unconditional really looks like. She doesn't have anything close to an example besides me.

But, the problem is, this altruistic virtue is coming wildly at the expense of my own personal well being. Many of my wise council are quick to point that you must be selfish to be selfless. Even Jesus was this way. He wouldn't dare go and do any of His ministry or His discipling unless He Himself had spent time alone (either early morning or late evening) with God the Father. But what does taking care of myself look like in this situation?

I wish I had a fred in my life right now. A quirky person who would randomly call me just to encourage me and let me know that I am absolutely treasured. Theoretically that's Jesus all of the time, but sometimes it'd be nice to not have to dig so deep for once.

I just need a nudge.
a hint.
a whisper.
a text.
a voicemail.
a FB wall post.

some sort of assurance that it's ok to still be hurting for what Kristy did to me. That grace is painful. That I'm not crazy after all.

Cause it really sucks being different all the time.




God, if You're out there, I could sure use a hug right now. I feel like every time I "do the right thing" and act in a way that's obedient to You, I end up broken. And I feel like You don't do anything about it. Whereas a lot of the people who halfway pursue You (if at all) enjoy Your blessings all the same.

...but who am I to question You, Lord? What authority do I have to be suspicious of Your sovereignty? I'm so small. I just wish You'd make Yourself more obvious to me.

I'm having a really hard time following You.