Wednesday, March 31, 2010

because it affects other people

What's really wonderful about the various relationships that form in life is the web that it creates.

This person knows that person. That person knows another person. Eventually everyone is connected. There are companies that make a huge profit on this principle. There are people that get jobs because of this principle. There are marriages that occur because of this principle. Et cetera.

However, when relationships go awry, things get different. The nice happy circle transforms into arrays of awkwardness that no one really likes experiencing. It's tragic really.

I'm currently in the middle of one of these. And it sucks. There's a lot of he said/she said but in the end what does it matter? People take sides. Conclusions are made based on misinformation. And in the end relationships get destroyed.

So, I say all of this simply to say that I wish it were easier to be "independent." That is, I wish I didn't care so much about looking foolish if that's what it took to say "you're important to me. Even though things are kinda different, I hope you know I'm not." Something along those lines.

But stuff doesn't always go the way I hope. But I guess I'm learning to take it in doses.

Monday, March 22, 2010

snowy mondays

Strange.

Sunny saturday.
Soggy sunday.
Mellow monday (due to sleet/snow/wintery mix).

Current thought-- what would my life look like if I really were confident that God is aware of the circumstances in my life?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

rainy sundays

Sometimes the rain creates a necessary slow period in our lives.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the springtime. Well, I don't love Atlanta's obscene pollen counts (2000+ per cubic inch is just hellish frankly), but otherwise I generally regard sunshine as a good thing. But the rain helps make space. It forces people to go indoors and make adjustments to their plans. In my case, I've found time to write.

I've been thinking a lot lately (a new thought I know). And one particular thing I've found to be true about me is the fact that I cannot stand when someone has a false impression of me. That is, if they believe something to be true about me that is absolutely UNtrue about me. I feel a very bizarre urge to prove myself to everyone. To kind of say "HEY! I AM NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL."

Ironically, I make it a very good habit to keep very close friendships with people who are precisely the opposite. Many close friends of mine have pretty thorough disregard for what people perceive their identity to be. It's a very healthy "I don't care" as well. They walk with a supreme confidence in them. Never with an arrogance of I think I'm better than you so F-off; but rather... "I love who God made me to be and I'm not too proud to admit that I'm still a work in progress." Even my friends who don't follow Jesus still have this about them. They kind of stick to their original wiring of "who says I can't think [x] is cool? And if I'm the only one who thinks that then so be it."

For me, I have a very annoying tendency to figure out why someone doesn't view things the same way as me. So, if someone thinks I'm a liar for example, I must discover what would cause them to believe something like that about me. If I can figure it out, I can try to educate in order to eliminate any misunderstanding/false opinions.


But I'm learning that life isn't always that linear or neat.


Part of what I've been able to learn lately is that any time there is criticism/feedback about me, it is ALWAYS an opportunity for growth. Regardless of whatever assertion is made (whether from ungrounded hearsay or from well-researched expert opinions), there is a development opportunity. The way this has been able to play itself out for me is that I've started to ask a different question. It has grown from "why would this person think [x] about me?" to "what kind of reputation is my life garnering?"

It's subtle. It's very small. But it's a perspective shift that's so significant that it's blown me away. Because in those small moments the focus changes from simply trying to deflect potential embarrassment to instead living a life with nothing to be ashamed of. Or, in other words, it goes from trying to maintain an image to surrendering image maintenance altogether. This holistic approach seems to have great potential for satisfaction. In fact it's the central tenet of Christianity.

Too bad it's taken me so long to just get my head around the concept -_-

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Friday Night Thoughts

well I'm alive.

And still in pre-spring cleaning.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Saturday Morning Thoughts

Had a chance to finally catch up with Myriam yesterday.

It turns out that I need some personal spring cleaning.

Joy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

finding time to write more

One of the things I was kind of surprised with was who greeted me for my bday.

Lee was the first one (at a stunning 230 AM text message. I was sleeping but her thing woke me up and I didn't mind. I'm not sure whether or not it was planned or anything but I was quite honored that she would remember me. It wasn't anything special either just kind of a thing.

Then the slew of text messages and facebook postings followed. It's quite a warm feeling knowing that your life is meaningful to other people. I responded to everyone who texted me and eventually got back on fb just to respond to everyone on there too.

Then there was the one and only Ms. Porcupine [KT]. I knew heading into my bday that it would be unwise for me to expect anything one way or another so I was real guarded not to get my hopes up for anything. The weekend came and went and I didn't receive a text or phone call from her. Nor did I get a fb message. So, the last logical thing was to perhaps see if she would pay me back with my own medicine by leaving something for me at my house.

Nope.

I wasn't mad or offended or anything that she didn't so much as greet me...but it did kind of confirm that I, in all likelihood, don't mean a thing to her. It's quite likely that she's "moved on" from me...but what does that even mean in the first place? If we were never in a relationship, then she would have nothing to move on from. But, if we were good friends as our story is supposed to have gone, isn't it reasonable to believe that she would've done something?

I keep wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she was busy? perhaps she had a special gift and wanted to give it to me in person?), but kind of gets me down. I don't mind living with the reality of knowing that she means more to me than I do to her...but it'd be nice to mean something to her. Even a little text message would have been great. But, when something isn't important to someone, it tends to get pushed to the side; and I guess that's my new home in her life.

Presents wise I did score a new camera! I even showed Praise to her grand content. I didn't really get anything from anyone else (Sam got me my favorite trident) but I'm still pretty content. The old mantra goes "the best things in life are free" and I can honestly say that's true with me this year. It would be nice to have new clothes and new shoes (and maybe even a brand new Babolat Pure Drive GT) but even more meaningful than that are the hand-written cards from Ms. Fortich. As well as the voicemail of Tita Christy and Lola Rochelle singing happy birthday to me via voicemail.

When you treasure that which satisfies, the delight is that much more intense.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

finding time to write

Where to start?

I celebrated my birthday in Florida with my family. It was pretty nice. Originally I was planning on throwing a party and inviting a bunch of people (I haven't done this in so long), but chose not to this year (again). Same reason as before--why draw attention to myself? So, I just took Ethan and Jessica to Disney. 'Twas grand.

We ended up staying at AKL. I always heard about how awesome the place was but got scared by how much the rooms were. After staying there for a weekend, I think that the prices of the lodge can be justified once in a lifetime. There's just something special about waking up with a giraffe in your backyard. It's awesome.

Unfortunately it rained the full day we stayed. Friday was gorgeous. Sunday was beautiful. Saturday wasn't meant to be. So goes my life. Jessica and my parents were pretty tired by the middle of the day and I was tired of being the only one with energy. The next time I take a trip I'm definitely taking a friend. I did get to try out the new Toy Story ride though. That place was amazing. And I felt awesome because I broke 6 digits my first time on the ride.

I saw Myriam and the Santos while I was down there. Myriam has a lot of skill conversing with young people. As does Praise. I learned that conversing with a 4 year old doesn't mean dumbing down your vocabulary. But, the richest conversations with kids stem from having a genuine interest in what they have to say without expectations...just like one should with any other person. The trick is viewing them as just another person instead of as just a kid. What a thought.

I'll write more tomorrow. I'm sleepy.