Morning Moment

I was in the looking at one of the plasmas at the church this morning and realized that I was standing beneath 10 different objects that were simply hanging in the air. At any points in time there could be a "Final Destination" type moment (similar to what happened in the midwest recently) and I could either get seriously injured or simply die.

But nothing happened.

Obviously everything was engineered to be structurally sound but for one reason or another I just thought about how God has kept my life (relatively) injury free my whole life. I've never had to be at the hospital for an extended period of time or anything. That's when I started thinking...when was the last time I gave thanks for all that stuff?

Conviction.

I find consistency difficult

the desire is there but the execution is lacking.

/fail

Sunday Afternoon Thoughts

It's been quite a week for sure.

One of the main things that sucked has been the fact that I've been in a really intense fight with Sop Sop the whole week. The logistics are rather trivial but there has been one huge takeaway that I've been mulling.

Part of the tension in any relationship is the "adjustment period." That is, the period of time where the newness fades and the stubbornness of self surfaces. This is not entirely bad (good exercise habits can start to rub off, diligent work practices, etc). This is not always fun either (character issues will inevitably show during this period as well as any unreconciled baggage from the past).

For me, it's definitely been more of the latter. Specifically, the thing that has been most unnerving has been the result of such drastic differences in character. In our conflicts, I have a tendency to address things directly through very direct communication. The other half has a tendency to be silent and pretend like things will remedy themselves after a period of several days.



Things get complicated. Situations get intense. It's something everyone goes through.


I haven't quite figured out "what to do." However, I do know that the handling of this situation will do so much to affect the future of the relationship. To quite my boy Andy, "Relationships are best evaluated not by where they currently stand but by the direction that they are headed."

dot dot dot

Really rocky times right now.

Faith?

One way servanthood.

is that ok?

Hardship.
response?

hello?

silence.



[peace]?



hopefully.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I'm such a dummy.

Two steps forward and I really can't stand the one step back.

serving in action

I think that a lot of Christians tend to overglamorize certain Christian principles.

Sometimes "bringing someone to Christ" just means being their friend and shutting up.
Sometimes "carrying your Cross daily" means simply not complaining.


For me, "being a servant" meant driving 30 minutes to pick someone up in rush hour and dropping the same person off even it it meant I wouldn't get home until 11:15. No, I wasn't serving the children in India. But I would contend that I just as legitimately put someone else's needs sincerely above my own (even if they didn't necessarily appreciate it).

And in the end I think that's moreso what God is after.

back home

I just got back from the ICGA retreat I went to over the weekend.

I don't feel like unpacking everything right now mostly because I think sof sof got me sick. My head is throbbing and my nostrils are doing that one guy is open the other is closed action.

All that said I can't help but consider how the retreat has had impact on my life. I met a lot of great people with some of the most incredible stories that hollywood would drool. It's only affirmed something I had learned early in my life:

Everyone worships something...but as for me (and my circle) we worship [x].

Hopefully for me, I can make that [x] count for X.

relief

after the rain comes the calm.

nervous

I'm really scared.

I have confidence, but there's always the unknown.

God help me to see that my life is in Your hands. Keep my perspective such that, regardless of outcome, I continue to find my identity in you.

If it's up to me, I'd love to perform well tomorrow and get extended the offer;

but I want what You want more.

amen.

Breakthrough

It's finally happening with her.

For so long I've desperately desired that she would form a connection on her own.
That she would begin to ask her own questions.
That she would not have to rehearse answers or prayers anymore.

Then, in a very intense fashion, she hit rock bottom.
Crying, angry, weeping, sulking, she looked everywhere for answers. She found nothing but silence.
Envious why she couldn't have the peace that so many of her new friends had she whispered through tears, "please? please help me?"

Alas. Restoration has its starting point.




Get excited!

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Lately I have been learning a lot from some of my mentors.

I've been told time and time again how important it is to take the time to define different aspects of your life. When you're practicing a sport, for instance, you define the best methods for sharpening your skills. When you're starting a new year, it's best to define your goals for the year. When you start a diet, you define what weight you would ideally be at. Et cetera.

Personally this has had many different applications for me.

- For my relationship with Sof Sof, I've had to define what it is that I enjoy about her and what it is that I don't. Both have been equally hard for me.

- For some of my past friendships, it's been acknowledging that some people will likely (unless they are very intentional about maintaining the friendship) not be in my life again.

- For some of my work disciplines, it meant knowing what to say yes to and what to say no to.

Part of the benefit of doing this is that you become uniquely you. You are no longer chained to what culture or peers say you should be; rather you become an evolving masterpiece growing in complexity and beauty continually. This doesn't guarantee that you won't go through your normal ups and downs; however it does mean that your identity will be formed purely by what you've made of it. You'll end up being more secure. No more pretense.

I don't think this is for everyone (some people want to be shaped by other people). Further, there are a variety of factors that complicate things (like Christian morals for instance). But the principal is profound.

And it will change your life if you let it.

after all this time I'm still learning

I don't consider myself an expert by any means when it comes to relationships. In fact, I'd probably lean more toward the side of novice or beginner.

However, the one thing I do know is that one of the best things any couple could do is learn from the couple they would like their relationship to resemble. I did that tonight and I feel like it's already paying dividends.

Unpacking the bags

I'm back from vacation. Kinda.

It's been such a long time since I've written in this thing. In the past I've committed to write then re-committed to write in this thing with it simply failing. I just wish that I could commit this time because it's such a mental release.

There's been a ton going on in my life. So much that it would probably be unwise to write about it all here. But, I think it would be wise to give succinct updates from the different building blocks that comprise the bulk of my life.

Spiritually - Roller coaster. Some great weeks in the "promise land." Other weeks in the "desert." What else is new?
Socially - Renaissance. I've discovered that part of being awesome is to just "be." Liberation.
Vocationally - Intense. Project after project. Potential for the future. It's a good busy.
Athletically - Scattered. I took losing better at tennis and am authentically more humble with my skills now. The only problem is now I'm starting to like other sports too. More $$. Cest La Vie.
Intellectually - Perplexed. Chewing on a quote I heard, "If you want to know where your heart is look to where your mind wanders."


I guess that's pretty much it. I'm so sad that I'm boring.

Rethinking church

I was driving home yesterday and having my daily deep thinking.

I've spent a lot of time contemplating the implications of "living the Christian life" and came to a conclusion.


It doesn't mean jack if there's no grace there.


100% grace + 100% truth = 100% life

humbled, pie

Revelation.


Lost match yesterday.
Fury.
Couldn't get over it.
Woke up this morning.
Still mad.
Whatever.


Then.


Peace.
Joy.
Prayer.
Remembrance.
Love.
Service.
Tranquility.
Content.
Satisfaction.



I don't pretend to be better because of my faith; I just don't understand how one could go without it.

birthday reflections

Yet another birthday has come and with it some time to be introspective.

As I've matured, one thing that I have come to realize is that life really is quite short. It is just a whisper. Given this truth, one thing I want to do is make the most of my time here. Which is what leads to this post.

I don't think I know everything. In fact, usually I don't think I know anything. But I think that one of the best ways to live life is simply to invest into other people. That transparent "this is ugly me but it's me" style of investing.

You know...the ones that make all the difference on special days like your birthday.

sunday night thinking

it seems to me that the best thing the local church can do to demonstrate Christ is to...well...demonstrate Christ.

the beautiful loss

Let me just get this out there right now.

I cannot stand losing.

I hate it. Despise it. Do everything I can to avoid it. Well...I wouldn't cheat to win but you should get the point. That said, imagine my dismay when I lost my tennis match today to some slow put-put pusher. It was maddening. Worse even was the fact that I really lost because I beat myself (tons of unforced errors).

But there is a certain humbling factor that comes with losing that I'm very grateful for.

It didn't occur to me until I took my post-loss shower but the joy that comes with losing is that it shines a very bright spotlight on our inadequacies; that is, it's a highlighter revealing how imperfect we are. There are some times where we can try with all of our might and come up short.

Don't get me wrong. I still love winning. But it's the losses that really check your character and help you to refocus. And for those things...I am grateful for my loss tonight.

feeling funky again

The best way to know yourself?

Get put in uncomfortable situations. I've found myself getting more and more exposed as someone who craves acceptance. This isn't inherently bad of course. But the danger is that there's the potential to do anything that would be perceived as acceptable--even if it means doing something you don't want to do.

Lately I've been more comfortable doing what I wanted to do. Not because I want to reject certain people, but because I believe that it's important to be consistent YOU regardless of whose company you are in.

Hopefully these seeds will bear fruit someday.

facepalm

What do you do when you have ambition for things to be a certain way, but realize tragically that they aren't?

Id Est:

I have such a desire to have a great 2nd serve in tennis, but don't put in the work to develop it so.
I would love for every relationship in my life to be on good terms, but don't know where to even start.
I wish I would read my bible more, but sometimes don't even open the book.


Stuff like that.

Feeling hypocritical and I hate it.



Intent isn't a bad thing. It's a very good thing. But I guess the smallest deed is greater than the grandest intent.

life!

Where to start.

I guess Merry Christmas.
And Happy New Year.
And so long ATL Blizzard '11.
There have been so many swirling things going on since the last time.

Work wise, things have really been looking up. My review is coming up pretty soon and I'm really looking forward to it. I think I've shown a lot of improvement since I first started and surely that must count for something. I'm in line to get a promotion (or at least a lateral move) but there's so much that's still in the air. It's something I will continue to pray for but I can't say that I'm not excited about the prospect either. Everything has been a blessing and I couldn't be happier.

Relationship wise, there's a really special person in my life right now. I'm still not sure how things ended up intertwining for us to end up linked, but I'm so very grateful that things have worked out the way they did. I don't like putting a lot of stock in the beginning of relationships (because whose relationships start crappy? the commitment begins to show after month 6 when the new car smell wears off) but I do know that, as of right now, I have the best dinosaur on the planet.

I guess that's it for updates right now. I'm still sick and I feel nauseous. More tomorrow hopefully.