Tuesday, September 30, 2008

the thought process

There's a fascinating idea that I've been able to explore extensively for the past several days.

This isn't an original idea of mine, of course. Instead, I was introduced to it by the high school director from my local church. The idea is a simple one really:

"Your thoughts will drive your actions. Therefore, what you think you will become."

It's kind of a weird idea to digest from the onset. It seems like there's a lot of holes in the logic, but I've found that the basic premise of the idea is rock solid. Think about it.

When a husband cheats on his wife, he doesn't just wake up and state "I'm going to wreck my marriage and destroy the relationship I've built up for so long because I feel good!" No. Instead, the end result (the affair) is the culmination of several small thoughts. Usually a nice compliment progresses to a longer-than-normal hug. Then the long hug turns into a "casual" lunch. The snowball continues to doing projects together. I'm sure the continuation of this process should be obvious.

This idea is true with the inverse as well. Those who desire to be excellent in their lives are those who think about excellent things. Michael Jordan certainly wasn't content being in 2nd place. He is insatiably driven to be the best at what he does. Michael Phelps doesn't casually swim when he competes; instead, his goal is to execute so perfectly that no one else in the world can do what he does.

All this said, I considered what the application is in my life. Then I immediately thought of this small speck of dust that I have aptly dubbed "think." And, as weird as it is, I think about what I think. At first I felt kind of proud and stuff cause I was finally doing something right for a change. That I was doing something healthy and loved doing it at that. Then I got incredibly challenged once I realized the biblical application of this principle of thoughts:

"Finally, brothers,
whatever is true
whatever is noble
whatever is right
whatever is pure
whatever is lovely
whatever is admirable, —if anything is excellent or praiseworthythink about such things. " Philippians 4:8


I don't think I "think" about any of those things. I just complain. In fact, I just highlighted how easily filled my small mind is with dumb stuff.

Yet there is hope. Because, gracefully, God doesn't need overly qualified people in order to use them. Instead, He calls on those who are simply willing.

And the rest is all Him.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Contemplate

I find myself wrestling with God right now.

In my head I know I should pursue Him.
I know full and well that He is the satisfaction.
He is Life.
He is Peace.
He is Provision.
He is Love.
He is Enough.


So why do I find myself so easily filled with lesser things?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Finally some time

It hasn't been intentional.

Well, some of it has. But largely unintentional this absence of mine. It's intriguing really. When I go several days without journaling, it feels as if there's this build-up of stuff in my head. Not necessarily a traffic jam; more like a clogged up drain (liquid and still go through...you just want it cleaned up ASAP).

Part of my reservation for getting all this stuff off of my mind is due to the fact that I'm coming to some scary realizations with Glorie and stuff. Maybe it's just this dense head of mine allowing all of this to just now seep in, but I think I understand now that it may not be entirely probable to fulfill this "vision" of mine to reunite our families. As it stands now, our hearts are just in completely different places. We have truly reached an impasse (not a disagreement) and it seems that both sides are firmly set in their ways. Perhaps in the future restoration is a possibility but right now it's terribly unlikely.

Which is still what bothers me a lot. I don't know how all of this can be worth it to them. I understand the whole logic of they were doing what was best for Glow. I don't contest that at all in fact. Rather, the question that keeps being avoided is what if they could still act in Glorie's best interest without sacrificing our families' relationship? If that was a genuine possibility (which it was) why was it not pursued? But oh well. "Let's let the past be the past" seems to be the flavor of the month.

Looking forward, I've been really convicted of late. How much do I really love Jesus anyway? There's a passage we went over in detail yesterday that I love. Matt 7:13-14

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

The compelling thing about this verse is that the "wide" gate is a pretty comprehensive way of describing how many people live life. Leaving college, I can recall a countless number of students who had a beer in one hand, a beer in the other, and have no regrets "living it up." And, in fairness, I would heartily agree that all of that stuff can seem like it's more fun. Therefore, what incentive would anyone have to change the whole hedonist mentality in the first place?

Interestingly, on the other end of this, I have found that traversing this narrow road has often times led to loneliness. There's certainly joy/gratification along the way, but there have been stretches where I've seriously questioned whether or not all of this persevering were worth it. I suppose this is the whole point. The narrow road's destination is Life. But will I choose it?

Digesting all of this, I think I've found a way to summarize it into a nice, succinct challenge. Beautifully, this is a challenge that both Christians and non can investigate mutually. It's summed up simply as this:

Is Jesus Christ worth following?

And for me, He is.

Friday, September 19, 2008

teased

Occasionally someone will call me when I'm at work.

I can talk on the phone and everything while I'm at work, but as it turns out I'm usually away from my phone when someone calls anyway. Today was one of those days. I got a call from an area code I didn't recognize. I googled the area code to see where it was from and, to my surprise, I discovered it was from Tampa.

I started thinking about whom I knew in Tampa (no one). Naturally, this eclectic mind of mine make the connection that perhaps out of nowhere, Ryan would try to call me. The odd thing is, I was thrilled at the notion.

I no longer view Ryan with any sort of disdain or angst. Instead, after writing my emails to him, I've found a greater sense of compassion toward him. The misnomer in this whole ordeal is that Ryan is a Christian. Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they may, but, when asked very specifically whether he was or not, I got a non response. Instead I got alluded to Christian vernacular "I've had to pray much about..." "his faith is growing..." So, I cut the excess. I identified, very clearly, what fruit Christians should bear (Galatians 5). I highlighted how he failed to demonstrate any of the characteristics toward me. In light of this, I asked very simply, "are you a Christian?"

After the non response I had peace taking it for what it is (someone who may not know). I thought about the best way I could respond to someone in that situation and I settled on the truth that perhaps the best thing I could do is simply be available and non-judgmental. I've tried very much to be both of those things and don't know how well received I've been (how can I know if there's no dialogue?).

Which is why I was thrilled at the prospect of him calling. Even if all he did was call to call me names I never even knew existed. Because that would mean that at least I'm on his mind--which equates to a level of curiosity--which will lead to questions.

Which I would love to be available for.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

the drastic contrast

there we were.

We had just finished a world record 50 minute break down of the living room set. The living room, by the way, is the college ministry's weekly gathering for people in the midtown area. We were celebrating and high-fiveing each other with our awesome put-everything-back-in-the-truck skills. Not a single face was without a smile.

This was with good reason too. Prior to this momentous occasion (remember, our tetris skills enabled us to finish packing everything up in record setting time), we had a great night of worship. Kristian Stanfill rocked the Biltmore with his raw energy. Brad delivered another message in his unique, smile producing manner. In all, hearts pointed toward God as He blew our minds away. There was reason to be happy tonight.

But then I started heading toward my car. I thought about the drive and was just happy all the way around when it started to happen. The contrast to my night that I'll never quite forget.

I heard screaming. A woman screaming and crying at the same time.
Then I heard a man angrily reprimand the screaming.
The unmistakeable sound of skin hitting skin soon followed.
Then more whimpering.

This memory is so vivid to me. I hope I'm perpetually cognizant of the fact that as wonderful as life can be post relationship with Christ, there is an equally intense feeling of brokenness for some people who feel hopeless.

This Christian faith was always meant to be shared. So why don't I?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Friday Night Thoughts

I'm learning.

It's slow and it's ugly but there's progression. Much of the past week has been spent (what else) thinking through "the situation." I truly desire for all of my close loved ones to learn from this story. I hope it's evident, from what has happened, that people will really do anything to secure what is important to them. If it's money they'll show it. If it's Jesus they'll show it. If it's recovery they'll show it. The actions will be evident of what's important to them; even if they don't measure the cost of attaining it.

I suppose we'll enter a phase where we don't talk with each other. The sentiment being that they have already done everything that they need to in order to set the relationship right. If anything, I am the one holding back the restoration of the families due to my unwillingness to just "let go." I just wish I knew how to let them understand that to let go would be to trivialize the driver of the destruction. There can't be foundational relation building until there is mutual understanding of that truth. Yet in the end I suppose it will reflect poorly on me. No fair.

I still find it shocking that, as Christians, drama can escalate to the level to that of soap operas. If the creed of Christianity is to be taken seriously, there should be perpetually submission to God and each other. In humility, there should be a discovery of the prevailing love that won us over when we yet knew of Christ. The same regard should apply here. With people, drama is common. Yet we, as distinguished children of God, should be able to pierce through the veil of misunderstanding in order to promote unity; not remain distanced due to the inability to lower one's pride. There's no room for self in the kingdom of God.

That said, I have to start being more selfless. I have no right demanding God to make sense of my situation. I have to stop being so self-focused. There is no hurdle that I must jump through that will make this immediately go away. The remedy to the heartache has already come and risen. My joy should be completely proportional to my gratitude for what I have. Each question I have and every emotion I feel is completely legitimate. Yet, are they so significant that they take precedent over the story Christ is telling? It is only if I'm focused on the wrong thing.

I just hope that I'm not the only one trying.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Brokenness



What could be and should be isn't always what is.

That's why we need a Savior.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

...breakthrough?

I should be studying right now. I'd rather write.

I've had a hard time balancing different elements of my life lately. On one hand, I'm incredibly excited about the direction of my life. There's a prospective job where I would be doing something that I actually enjoy (helping people + money = helping people with their money!). I'm about to start up another class at Northpoint where I would delve into the New Testament with the same mentors who blew me away with the Old Testament. And, perhaps most important, is that the new season of House is about to start!!

But there's always the other hand. I can't, even if someone paid me a million dollars, stop thinking about "the situation." There has been some progress, but, for the most part, we remain at our impasse. It just doesn't make that much sense to me (the premise our bitter disagreement). They are sorry for the results of what has happened (a break in our relationship) but they aren't sorry for what they did. I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating as to why they hold so firmly onto this belief. I walk away frustrated every single time. The effects, of course, is that my inability to repair/reconcile the situation has been incredibly taxing. I feel some innate responsibility to fix everything even though that is not entirely possible. I have identified, however, that the reason I keep thinking and rethinking everything is because it's all incredibly important to me. I want to be close friends with Glorie and have close relationships with all in her family again. But...it doesn't mean anything.

Needless to say, carrying this around hasn't been fun at all. It's slowly changed me into a malcontent, depressed being. The problem is that that burdened state is precisely what God calls His kids NOT to be. If I am to take this Faith seriously, I must seriously live the creed of Matt 11:28-30.

But I haven't.

Instead, I've been fixated on being "real" and transparent. In some bizarre way, I thought it would be beneficial to be forth with the fact that I was angry at God for not understanding what I was going through. I now realize, with scintillating soberness, that I've been so selfish. My superficial "be joyful always" attitude has been anything but real. And, in all honesty, who am I to demand an explanation from the One who has suffered 10x more than the tiny amount of heartache I've endured?

I'm starting to believe something different. It is certainly appropriate for me to be torn and broken over the dissension that's still so evident in "the situation." HOWEVER, true faith (that honors God) calls for trust; that despite the confusion and uncertainty of the future, the sadness gleams brightly singularly because of the Hope Giver that champions over us all.

There is true and satisfying joy to be had. It's simply a choice that one has to make. And I have been choosing poorly.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Friday Night Thoughts

I can't believe it.

K.P. and Katie are actually getting married. The whole rehearsal tonight seemed kind of surreal. They were always the couple that people made fun of. The ones so overly "lubby-dubby" and who lacked the vernacular to call the other by a name other than "baby." But, alas when I was standing by all of my cousin's side, I watched Katie march jubilantly down the aisle with a smile wider than the moon plastered all over her face.

Obviously the entire experience tonight conjured memories of my Glorie. I remember attending sunday school with Glow in K.P and Katie's class. Then discussing after service how glad we were that we weren't like them. That we didn't want to be all over each other during the church service. How we didn't have to be together literally every second of every minute. How we didn't fight when they did.

I suppose it's only fitting that they're getting married and Glorie and I are on the most precarious of terms.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Urgency

There's a very unpopular perspective of time that, biblically, Christians are to hold on to.

In Luke 12, Jesus tells a parable about a rich man. Said wealthy person took much delight in all of his belongings (which, in fairness, was probably hard-earned on an honest day's wage). However, malcontent, our affluent protagonist set his hearts on accumulating more wealth and just living easy for the rest of his life. Then God calls him foolish and confronts him with the sole thing he had no control of--time.

I've come to believe that this rich man was simply living the american dream. He would work hard and save a massive amount of money so that he could retire and live an easier life. This is, after all, the sentiment that the current culture seems to broadcast to the majority of working, tax-paying americans.

Normally the common spin on this parable would be not to be so fixated on temporary things here on this earth. While there is value to this, it's important to keep in mind the other invaluable lesson here is to always consider that our time is not guaranteed.

This truth isn't particularly profound. It's not even that hidden; the overwhelming majority of people you will encounter would readily agree that tomorrow is not a guarantee. Yet, with this said, why is there disconnect with this truth and the way that we live? In other words, why is it that we know this and don't do anything about it?

Frederick Buechner perhaps says it best: "Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever."

I can say, with certainty, that there is a scintillating difference when you live on the premise of this truth. Every single time I talk with Glorie, I always make every effort to let her know precisely how I feel about her. It doesn't matter whether it creates an awkward moment or a treasured one, I will not be satisfied until she knows.

The reason I'm so fervent about this is due to the fact that I've already tasted what it's like to have time with her taken away from me. While she was sleeping I couldn't talk with her. And when I was told I couldn't talk with her I...couldn't talk with her. Now that I have some access to do so, not only do I lavish all the more with every moment that gets shared again, but I never again take for granted what I had.

Now if I could only approach life as a whole the same way.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

I'm not dead

I was originally planning on journaling some thoughts that had been swimming in my head for several days now. The same thoughts that have been going on for awhile.

There has been an update. But, tonight it doesn't seem wise to share.

Therefore, I suppose this is a to be continued.