Some thoughts before I leave

- "Whenever I talked to ______ it always seemed like you were the bad guy." Most naive comment I heard this entire week.

- Turning in your last final really is one of the best feelings in life.

- I'm broke.

- And yet full of gratitude for blessing after blessing that's given to me. What an honor.


I'll be back. Just have to catch a quick plane to the Philippines. :)

Sorrow

It hurts so much. Why would you do this?


Help me Father.

Fred dissected pt 1

I just finished reading a fantastic book. Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It has come to make me examine my beliefs to a deeper degree. Nothing has been more of a thrill.

First, I suppose I would fall under the designation pig. I have been given the infamous Y chromosome and accordingly act like a slob. It's the most enjoyable unenjoyable thing ever.

Ok ok. Maybe that isn't a belief. It's just a fact. I guess I'll start with the biggest thing that I believe.

Jesus.

The name in and of itself evokes emotion. For some it concocts wild memories of mistreatment. Others the name highlights the laughable hypocrites that have cast themselves as superior time and time again. For other still, the Name represents the most beautiful person that they've ever met.

For me, I believe in Jesus simply as a person. It seems pretty dumb at first. I've never met Jesus. I still don't know for sure if He's real. Yet I still voluntarily choose to place faith in this person because of the fact that he's given me reason to believe in him. It's weird.

To be continued.

Thankful

I'm so spoiled. Often times I wonder why I've been given so much. Why do I have a healthy body? Why have I been sustained throughout the night? Why have I been given a sprinkling of intelligence?

Moreover, why have I been given a nice room to live in? Why am I able to afford a flat panel television? Why am I able to witness the stunning luxury of high definition? Why is it that I've been given the oppotunity to write this blogpost on an apple laptop? Why do I get the luxury of having two guitars hang on my wall? Why is it that my outfit costs more than the income of some entire families?


I say this not to boast in what I have. Rather, I mention these things because I truly believe that I've been given so much. The real question is what will I do with these things. What will I do with Jesus.



I was on Marta today. In case you are unaware, Marta is Atlanta's public transportation system. It isn't the most well oiled machine...but it works. On my ride home today, I was able to witness the most crowded train car I've ever experienced in my life. The trains were crowded as a result of Marta's ineffeciencies shining through...but the marvelous thing was that I was able to observe everyone on the train.

People from just about every area of life. Young rich kids who are spoiled out of their minds. Immigrants speaking their own language just trying to make a dollar. Rude males who don't have the will to give their seat up for the lady. It was amazing.

Suddenly the thought struck me.




All of these people need to know about Jesus.






to be continued.

running on E

I miss you so much. You have no idea what kind of effect you have on me. I want to solve it. I just don't have the answers.

You couldn't answer me. Perhaps that's a sign.

-_-

I am such an idiot.

My Encounter

So I finally talked with the pretty girl in my finance class this morning. As I actually had time to sit down with her, and see her closely, I realized how exotic her look is. I believe she's mixed with American and some sort of Asian. She has light freckles and light eyes. It's a really interesting look.

Anywho, she is a very nice person. I tend to downplay what I'm capable of (i.e. say outloud how dumb I am yet I am really of barely average intelligence). Then she, although barely knowing me, encouraged me to shut it. Obviously any person would have done the same, but she did it in such a sincere way.

The guy whom she is engaged to is a very fortunate fellow. He has quite a steal. Then again...I have my own steal. And after talking with mystery finance hottie for about 20 minutes I still think I got the better bargain. d(^_^)b


Oh and glorie, if you ever find this and read this, what I just said does NOT mean you are comparable to an amount of money. You're worth more than that.

Still Fighting...

I miss you so much. How is it that this miniscule debate of ours has grown into a monster of a war?

feelin' great

Highlights from the weekend...

Friday - Class was boring as usual. Plane was delayed. It didn't matter. Going to orlando was great. Glorie had PF changs ready for the both of us and we saw david crowder band. It was great. Much saliva was exchanged at different times during the night. Friday was merely a warmup.

Saturday - Had quality time to myself. Glorie had to work in the morning so what do I do? Go on the internet. hehe. Afterwards, we ate some more and saw "The Illusionist". It's a fantastic movie. More making out. Glorie tastes great.

Sunday - Church then more time to just be with Glorie. Sometimes just holding each other is the best use of time ever.

Confusion

I saw Rosanna today. It was the first time in several months (possibly more than a year) since I've seen her. She looks the same. Possibly somewhat prettier. I really don't know how to describe our "friendship." For example, today she said hi to my cousin Feebster and their mutual friend Chris. I, on the other hand, received no such greeting. Smalltalk ensued among the three and thus concluded with her saying by specifically to Chris and Feebster (and omitting me).

How do you describe that? I wanted to talk with her...see how she was doing. I sincerely wanted to connect with her. Yet I chose to refrain. She seemed so uninterested.

It hurt.

Nevertheless, I'll assume otherwise. I'll naively believe that perhaps she failed to see that I was a mere 1.5 feet away from her. Either this is the case or she truly doesn't want to be friends with me. If the latter proves true, then I guess that "it is what it is."
How ugly.

Even though she'll probably never read this, I'm going to write as if she were listening. Rosanna...I want you to know a few things.

I still care about you. I want to kinow what's going on in your life. I want to know how you and Seth are doing. I'm sorry if it still hurts. I'll still pick up if you call. I'm willing to just listen to you if that's what you need from me. Just because we're separated doesn't mean we can't be great friends.

Can it?

Tired

My day started off great. Got up. Thanked the Lord for another day. Took the train to school and stuff. Then I saw the hot girl from my class walking and started stalking her d(^_^)b.

Just kidding obviously. Although she is very pretty, I just walked my normal pace and it just happened that we were both on our way to ALC. I wonder if i'll ever get to meet her. I'd love to make another pretty friend.

Enter Finance 4000. I'm not the most studious in the class...but I'm definitely not the worst. However here, I honestly feel like the dumbest person in class. Everyone around me is asking pertinent questions and everything and is able to perform calculations and stuff. Whereas I simply sit there--dumbfounded. This activity persisted for the next hour and 40 minutes. No kidding. Non stop dumbification.

The day got a little better around lunch time. I ate blimpie. Funny how eating somewhere makes me happy. I felt so good though. The people there were totally helpful and very friendly. Plus the little guy needs help more than the big guy. Ever since Jared changed the way that everyone looks at subway, Blimpie just got left in the dust. I had a coupon. The sandwich was good. Things were looking up.

The twist to this story started when I walked through the office door. I just can't stand being there sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one that does my work completely sometimes. I am probably wrong...but it has gotten to the point where I can't stand this job anymore. I wonder if that's a sign that I should start looking elsewhere.

Good thing there was bible study tonight. One of my good friends attended for the first time. That made me happy. Typical of the Lord to pick me back up when my day is determined to do otherwise.

Now these tired hands write this post as I await Glorie's call. I wonder if we'll fight. . .

Absolutely Horrible

In case you didn't know...


The #3 way to get me extremely angry is to work with me and not do what you have to do. By accomplishing this, you will successfuly make it so that I have to work harder to compensate for your shortcomings.



Oh and also never take responsibility for your fault. Persistently deflect the fact that your mess is the result of someone else's actions. That is the cherry on top.

And so I prayed.

Dear Lord,

It's been awhile. Recently I've been buying into the lie that my voice is much too small for your sensitive ears to hear. Please forgive me. Often times I have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm talking about.

A lot of times I try to carry my problems all by myself. What a heavy burden they've grown to be. I'm so weird. Why would the ant even try to lift the rock by himself? Surely huge tasks are best left to huge people. And so Lord...I finally choose to give you what's yours.

I always feel like I'm letting You down. Why am I feeling these things?
I'm confused with the way people keep giving me mixed signals. Why doesn't it make sense?
Why is it that the people who are supposed to be Christians in my life often fail to be...well...Christians?
Then there's the others..
What can I do to help other people? Why aren't I doing it?
What can I do to be a better leader? Why am I no acting on it?
Why is it that I always have to look at other girls? Why does my mind always wander?
Why can't I keep any close friends? Am I that bizarre?


Lord, You know all things. Certainly these small issues of mine have not escaped Your attention. Sometimes I just get frustrated when You don't respond. I need to know You're working. Perhaps I'm not focusing on Your voice enough.

Help me to pursue You the same way You pursue me.





Amen.

Ever feel like you're just running away?

At times, I find my self running. I find myself especially running away from the Lord. No, not a physical kind of running. Rather, a mental kind of running.

I only find myself in this precarious position when I have done something bad. It's become somewhat of a repeatable process.

Do the bad thing.
Feel really guilty about it.
Discontinue anything "good" that I used to do before.
Continue sulking.
Sink even deeper into a pool of melancholy.

The situation progressively worsens until I finally get the wisdom to simply reconcile my relationship with Jesus.

Looking at it now, I believe that this running comes from a distoreted view of God. Instead of the loving God, I view the judging God. The one who sits atop His celestial throne and waits till I do something wrong so that He can point the finger of accusation at me. Who the balls would want to face a God like that?

It's a good thing that the bible doesn't confirm any of this misconception. The bible actually goes into a paradoxical kind of explanation at the true nature of God. I've been able to most identify with the way it's presented in Hosea. In the story, Hosea gets cheated on by his wife multiple times. Despite this, his love never wavers for her. Despite the fact that it hurts every single time, he continues to love.
The analogy is perfectly obvious. We are the bride of Christ. Everytime we sin, we hurt Him. It's as if it's the equivalent of cheating in a marriage. How absolutely devastated would the victim be? How absolutely profound would it be if the victim chose to forgive and continue the relationship? Notice how I didn't say forgive and forget, though. No...rather the past does not get brought up again. Forgiveness settles in and the Love conquers and embodied bitterness that may have been harbored by the victim.

That's really interesting. The question now is how then shall I respond.

So..

It's been a while. I believe I'll just blurb just one observation for now.

Last week my radio got stolen from my car. It was weird. While I was obviously angry that my precious radio had been wrongfully taken from me (it cost me 250 USD), one of the things that I did was thank the Lord that I still had my car. This action was praised by Glorie. I truly didn't do/say anything for her approval, but my actions "shows much about my character" according to her. What a compliment.

The aftermath of such a theft is the unexpected time to myself that I know have. Driving alone without a radio has given me a lot of time to just think. I suggest everyone do it once a week. You'll be surprised at how much patience you gain (or for some lose). It really just shows how much people can't stand silence. Maybe it's something about the stillness that proves that the Lord is watching. I dunno. Whatever it is, I think it can only be healthy.

Dear Glorie,

I wish I could talk to you. I wish you there was someway you could experience how heavy my heart sinks everytime we talk. I desire to connect with you. I so badly want to act like we're "just friends" but I think it's so impossible. I wish I could do it--pretend like I feel nothing for you. I can't.

You are so amazing. I think the world of you. I am absolutely disarmed by you. I love you.

Apparently those bonds were not strong enough to bind us together. I wasn't strong enough to lead us to a place where we would be spiritually fortified. As a result I get these feelings.

The feeling of my heart fluttering everytime I hear your custom ringtone. The feeling of my heart violently falling everytime my phone says "call ended." The desolate emptiness that billow in the moments there after. The same feelings that gave elicited tears from these hardened eye sockets for the past week and a half.

It's too bad you have no idea.

You know what?

I'm tired of crying. Sweet tranquility please embrace me.

Dilemma

What to do when you know what to do yet choose not to do it? Furthermore you know that what you do is not to be done, yet you ignore all warning against doing it.

Up and Running

I wonder who will find this first...

Catch me if you can!