Friday, August 31, 2007

*sigh*

Really, really miss you Glorie.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Almost forgot


Someone asked me whether or not I was a terrorist the other day.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Whirlwind Weekend

I would say sorry for the lack of updates but then I realized that no one reads this anyway. So what's the point?

Where to start...

- My lola (that's grandmother to all you unfortunate enough to not be of Filipino decent) is feeling rather ill. It's strange to me. She's one of the strongest people that I know and seeing her weak is so out of place. I try to imagine what the pain is like for her, but I can't. I wish I could lend her what little strength that I have.

Cancer is truly a hideous thing. As an observer, all I can write about is the result of the path of destruction that it leaves in its wake. It has chosen to target my dear lola and it appears to be gaining an upper hand. My lola's inability to get up and walk around her house like she normally would be able to is disturbing.

Although I continue to pray for her recovery, I have realized that it's my privilege to enjoy the rest of the time I have been blessed with her. Many feel that she's near the end of her journey. I beg to differ...but if that's truly the case, then I will soak in the moments all the more. It would be my joy to someday tell my kids of the woman Lola was. A contagious, sunlight-beckoning smile...faith equaled only to lolo's...and strength that endured through storm after storm are all hallmarks of the kind of woman Lydia Godoy is.

- Glorie, from what I understand, continues to gain strength everyday. She seems to have retained her talkative nature and apparently talks a storm to everyone that visits her.

A lot of her family has been visiting from all around the US. I can only imagine what joy they must have experienced seeing Glorie display herself so proudly. Last I heard, Glorie seems absolutely driven to show everyone that she's going to be able to walk again soon. Typical Glorie behavior if you ask me; Glow has always been quick to show what Christ has done for her.

Myriam got to see her again. I'm happy for her. I imagine such priceless joy was shared by the both of them. What a moment. Kat Kat and Raychill will be able to see her soon (in two weeks or so?). I'm certain that both of them will take equal delight in seeing Glow again.

It's my desire to see or hear from Glorie in the future too. But for now, even though it sucks tremendously, I must respect the fact that I have no place in the situation. If the opportunity ever reveals itself to me, my only hope is to not cry too bad when I'm able to marinade in that moment.

- School hasn't been too bad. I have good and bad teachers. Fairly typical. Hopefully I meet more people this year and just have more friends. That would be grand.



I guess that's it...for now.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

after the conversation

yeah. Clearly they've moved on.

Feeling rejected never feels good.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

That little place

So I reached the point where the pain is just plain numb. My eyes have tired from expelling tear after tear. My body is all like, "Fred, in case you weren't aware, food is a requisite in order for us to function."

Funny then, that it's not until I reached this point that God was able to melt some barriers of mine. It's kind of like Jesus had to wait until I was most broken for me to finally break.

Anyway, I have more peace now because I've uncovered some frighteningly obvious truths...

1) God is huge. No even bigger than huge. He's enormous. Well even then, enormous would be inadequate. God is really, really big. You get the point.

I always masqueraded around like I truly understood this concept, but I'm just now beginning to wrap my mind around this thought: the story is about Him! It's not a very new or original thought (and frankly it sounds a little churchy), but the truth that we are all designed to reflect God is a very important principle to keep in mind.

Throughout this situation, it was easy for me to get lost in my emotions. In my limited understanding, I would think about how all the different aspects of Glorie's situation affected me; however, how has it affected Him? If God chooses to bring more glory to himself (through Glorie) in this profoundly confusing way, who am I to make much of my personal pain?

My scope has been widened, and I see the landscape a bit more clearly. It's still very blurry, but I believe I can see the cross.

2) I am loved. Not only that, but I am loved very, very much.

For much time, I was hurt simply because I felt that Glorie and her family no longer loved me. While I believe that they still care for me, I don't think there's any doubt that I am no longer as precious to them as I once was. I still miss them dearly, but am slowly coming to grips with the fact that I may not speak to them again.

That said, I've realized that my focus has been off. When Glorie and I first separated, I was hurting. Absolutely vulnerable. Instead of trusting that Christ has my best interest in mind (in all walks of my life), I trusted others. I threw myself onto Alicia and it didn't work. Only after my life was shattered did I turn to Him. I actually tasted God for the first time in that dark season, and he responded immediately!

Honestly, I could not look past all the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I gave absolutely no credence to the fact that Christ was hugging me this entire time. Dear friend, if you find yourself reading this, pay special attention to these words. If you only remember one thing that I say to you, I desire it to be this:

Christ loves you so much. It's the most cliche, overstated, plain words you'll hear in your life. But it is true.

This realization in mind, I've found more peace. What reason have I to continue to writhe in misery? The God of the entire universe is desperately in love with me! That's huge!

3) I should always take joy.

The fact that Glorie is still living and breathing is due to the sheer mercy of God. The fact that she has improved every single day since her accident (and is still continuing to improve), is a testament to the fact that our Dad hears His children crying. These mountains of joy in mind, there is very little room for discouragement.

If Glorie pronounces her undying love for Ryan, and her family delights in the result, who am I to take issue with that? If Ryan's presence is helping Glorie heal everyday, then I should be thankful for her recovery and for his support. I still feel that there is a very real potential for danger with this situation, but for now, my heart is slowing praising God for who He is; and what He's done.





Life is still hard for me...but that's not a bad thing. Jesus is holding my hand and crawling next to me as I snail through this dimly lit journey of mine; and frankly, it's not raining so hard anymore.

Getting excited

My perceptions of everything are becoming more mature. I don't hold on to a lot of the same drama that I once considered so important. Praise the Lord talaga.

Detailed update coming later...

Monday, August 20, 2007

On second thought

Maybe my heart wouldn't hurt so much if it just stopped beating.

Three days later...

I've had some time to soak it all in. To sit back, reflect, and meditate on what exactly God is putting on my plate. The result? Tears, pain, some joy, and just plain confusion. I have realized some things though...

- I still can't wrap my mind around the situation in the first place. This may seem obvious cause seriously...of all people involved in this ordeal, who can make sense of it? Clearly God has great purpose for Glorie (otherwise He wouldn't have saved her life). Yet what perplexes me most, and will probably never be understood by such a limited mind such as mine, is the method by which God chooses to glorify Himself. An accident of this magnitude? It may make sense later on as we gain more wisdom, but right now it's still ridiculous to me.

- One of the aspects of this situation, that stings most deeply, is the way I've been replaced so easily. The trusted few whom I've talked about this matter with always try to assure me that I haven't been replaced. Those seem like wise words, but they feel very empty right now. What reason do I have to believe that I haven't been replaced? I haven't talked with anyone from that family in a month and a half and the one time I did hear from Tita Maricor, she implied repeatedly that I was no longer needed. Seems to me as if those same "you haven't been replaced" words just don't hold much value right now. What hurts most deeply is the amount of time I was worth. After 4 years of growing in life together, it took a mere 4 months to forget about me. That's what I was worth to them--4 months.

- I'm sad. Really, really sad. It's starting to affect me physically. I don't always eat cause most of the time I don't feel like eating. I think my body is getting used to only eating once a day. I don't play basketball as much anymore and my dad says I'm losing a lot of weight. Hopefully one day I don't just collapse. The fact that God gracefully keeps my heart beating is beyond me.

- On the other end of that spectrum is the question, "Fred, what would make you happy?" Honestly, it would be having my family back. This whole situation has caused me to lose my best friend, my little sister, and my 2nd mother and father.

I desire so badly to just talk with Praise. To finally be able to catch up on what the Lord revealed to her in Mexico. To listen to all the people God used to impact her life and vice versa. I miss the little text messages she'd send me just to let me know that Glorie was in stable condition.

I miss Tita Maricor the most. I miss the Paul that God so frequently used to mold my spirit for the past four years. I miss just being able to talk and learn from the fountain of knowledge that she is. I miss one of my best friends. I miss being called anak.

I even miss Tito Henry. Even his own solemn demeanor heavily influenced my life. I still find it cool that he doesn't waste time expressing himself with mere words; his actions speak more profoundly on his behalf. By simply observing him, I learned and learned and learned.

Yet all these things will be but mere faded memories. Glorie's "prince charming" has arrived and Glorie's family is in full approval of him. Me? I'm less than nothing.

- Another thing I've noticed is the fact that many keep telling me that what I'm going through is for the better. While this may be a technically true statement, saying it to me at this point in my journey is far from comforting. What reason have I to believe that the abundant love the Glorie and her family poured out on me will be improved upon by someone else? Christ's love is a more perfect love, yes, but that's scratching the surface of a paradox that I can't quite grasp. The love that we receive, indirectly from God through other people, is much more manageable and just plain easier to understand. Glorie's family were among the best that poured it on me.

- I get so angry sometimes at this plate. I hate just lying around and sulking. I don't want to be some pity case for everyone to feel sorry for. The overlying story here is that God, in His great mercy, has chosen to make Glorie the showcase of His glory. Glorie reflects His luminance brighter than anyone else. From these things, I find my joy.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Bittersweet

The sweet: Grouplink and specifically God's ability to prove (yet again) that He's the most hilarious Person you'll ever meet.

the bitter: Reading the letter and the subsequent pain that follows. So many loopholes. So many questions. So much inconsistent reasoning.


Life is the most unpredictable journey I've ever been on.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Life update

For the 0 of you that read this thing, I apologize for the lack of an update. I don't really have that great of an excuse. I just haven't taken the time to write my thoughts out.

What is there to say really? Life is life. It plays through its ups and downs. I'm on my way back up again.

Oh, lots of other exciting things are happening though.

Callie Ann is experiencing a life emergency right now and it appears as if Sil is experiencing a personal emergency. My take on the respective situations? Anchor yourself to your faith in Him, hold His hand, and withstand the storm with everything you've got. Storms are almost cyclical. While they aren't quite predictable, they are guaranteed to happen. What's important to note is that during storms, much takes place. The relentless barrage of it may seem unbearable at first, but that's where faith is so important. When a storm is most intense, it really does a complete and thorough job testing the foundation of anything in its path. What do you find yourself standing on when everything gets blown away mercilessly? Are you confident enough in it to stake your entire life on it? Such is the first step of faith.

Alas, you find peace even amidst the most violent of storms. This is amplified when you continue to walk with Him throughout the whole process. It's surreal. I can't really explain it that well. Almost mystical...but 100% authentic. It just helps to know that your Father is on your side. Yeah.

In other news, I got a random text message this morning from Praise. She asked me if Indiana was a state. I responded "yes" but remained in a profound state of confusion for the next hour. Oh, and I don't know anymore whether or not they got my surprise gift for Glorie/everyone. Oh snapz. That might be a problem. *sigh*

Also, all of Central Florida has a pretty talented group of young folk. I just finished watching pinktux's youtube vid of their tiniklin performance almost a month ago (tiniklin is a filipino dance that I don't feel like explaining right now). They did a really great job. Like tremendously great. It was amazing. That's three compliments in a row! It must've been something for me to be so generous. It was so good that people in heaven probably started practicing (cause it's going to be a hilarious party once FBCCF shows up and shows everyone how to throw down tiniklin style).

Last, I'm attending group link tomorrow. I'll finally get to meet the poor guys that will share life with me for the next couple of months. Those poor, poor men. It's going to be quite a ride.

Anyway, this posting turned out to be completely random. I think I like it.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Choosing Love

I've found peace.

"This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step." 1 Peter 2:21

In this situation with Glorie, the pain is shared by all. Glorie is a tremendous person used to impact many, many people. Everyone has been affected by it. However, no one (absolutely no one) can understand the pain felt by a mother and father. In my opinion, not even Praise can...and she's the sister. I'm not a parent and I have absolutely no idea what it's like to have a parent-child relationship, however, from what I hear, it's quite a surreal feeling. I imagine it's as if the tenderness and care for another person only intensifies and magnifies when it's your child.

With that said, that passion toward the child is what makes the pain sting all the more deeply. It hurts me so much; how much more does it hurt Tita Maricor or Tito Henry?

People aren't perfect. As humans, we are fallable. Even those whom I've placed great admiration and respect will fail me from time to time--and that's ok. In this huge story of Glorie's journey, it has happened such that the entire Santos family has hurt me greatly. Most puzzling is that the fact that I have no idea why they would act the way that they did. From my view, I have done absolutely nothing to warrant such pain. "Why?" was the theme of the day everyday.

So the focus shifted to my response. It was my choice. Would I decide to be vindictive with my pain and forever question the people that significantly helped to ensure that the past 4 years of my life were the among my best ever? Or would I choose the road less traveled even though I wasn't quite sure where that would lead?

Additionally, much affected this conclusion of mine. I thought about the idea of forgiveness and love as a whole. It's quite silly when you think about it. What if one of your best friends stopped being your friend cause you suddenly weren't adequate to meet their social needs. To add spit in your face, they continue hanging out with many of your friends, but they (and all your former friends) abandon you.

Forgiveness would mean calling said best friend and, after hearing the voicemail, telling them that they're still precious to you.

Love would be saving the best hug and warmest smile for them every single time that you cross paths.


The premise is really something else. It's easy to hate; it's extremely difficult to love. There would be nothing wrong with choosing to stay silent to the drunk driver who carelessly and selfishly takes your best friend's life. But it says something incredibly profound when you can hug same said drunk driver and look them dead in the eyes and say "I forgive you."

Personally, my pain is nothing compared to any of those situations (nor, again, the pain felt by any of the Santos family). Yet it's pain nonetheless. But it's something I've chosen to let go of. It wasn't apparent at first. It certainly wasn't natural to come to this decision. But it's the decision where I've found peace. I chose love and found peace. Imagine that.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

?

I just wish I could understand why.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Prayer Time: Appendix A

I recently watched a video of Glorie's old hospital room. While I can't say that I had an entirely positive response to the video, one of the things I was most amazed with was the sheer outpouring of love on Glorie. She is very, very loved.

Anyway, there is one thing that bothered me. Whomever edited the video, felt it necessary to put in the words "thank you for praying. It's WORKING."

Now, let's just explore this in context. I am absolutely certain that whomever did the video (I hypothesize that it is either Praise or Myriam), inserted this particular tidbit as a showcase of gratitude. That is, to let the viewer (and trust me, the viewer is someone whom accessed must have been allowed cause the video is well hidden) understand completely that their prayers are received with full appreciation. As a result of said prayers, God has responded in marvelous ways.

However, this is precisely my issue. To say that prayer is "working" would be to imply that prayer is some sort of formula. In essence, the thing that could be concluded is that the more that you pray the more that you get what you ask for. But that's not the case. You don't pray and see whether it "works" or not.

To be fair, this is a fairly trivial concern. The video was well made and I am certain that the thought never even crossed anyone else's mind. Yet it bothered me cause, well, I just wrote a mini essay regarding the very topic so I suppose it was just fresh on my mind.

Thus this post.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Hanging on by a thread

It stings.

Really deep pain.

I thought I'd never experience this again?

Who goes through rock bottom again? There's a reason it's called rock bottom.

I kind of feel like Job. But hearing that sentence makes me realize how ridiculous I am. My pain is nothing compared to Jobs (or Jesus' for that matter).

Yet, I still feel pain. Won't you just enlighten me Lord?
Are my questions that foolish to you? When I say "why?" does it really waste Your time that much to answer me?

I know the answer. I'm not entitled to a response from You. Trying to explain Your ways to me would be the equivalent of relating Galactic astronomy to a chocolate chip cookie.

But it still hurts.

That video burned images into my brain. The support is surreal. But there's that one picture. Centered to her right. he was holding her hand instead of me. Much less, it appears as though I don't exist right now.

I feel rejected.

Of all people, my family would hurt me.





Merciful Jesus...I need your rescue badly.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

O Praise Him

I'm not one to allow mindless youtube watching to consume a majority of my time. However, this is one of the most incredible videos I've seen in my life.

It was worth posting.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

re: contemplative catharsis

Well, God answered that one pretty quickly.

contemplative catharsis

I am weary.

With everything that has been going on with Glorie, I have tried my absolute hardest to play the biggest support role that I could. I have done everything in my power to disrobe my selfishness and clothe myself with humility and love. I have taken great lengths to make it personal that I ensure as many people as I could that there is hope in a situation as grave as Glorie's was. Gracefully, God has responded fervently. He has single-handedly restored Glorie from her previous condition and is continuing to do so daily. Amazing no?

However, I find myself in a horrible situation. I desire so badly to help in any way that I can. Yet, I also desire to stay out of the way of Glorie's family. I am such a simpleton. I can't begin to grasp what it's like to experience this situation from a Mother/Father's perspective (and for that matter, from a sister's perspective). I sincerely love Glorie, Praise, Tita Maricor and Tito Henry. They are my family. Yet why do they remain distant from me? The only other time I've felt like this was right before Praise's graduation. It turns out everyone was silent because Glorie had chosen Ryan. It appeared to be best to keep the news from me because no one wanted to hurt me. Yet, it stung all the more when I found out that everyone knew except me.

What if that's what's happening here? What if my 2nd family is choosing to remain distant from me to send me another clear message? What if I'm really not accepted the way that I thought that I was. Could it be that my time has passed? I am not loved in the same way that I once was? They may not want me around right now. If that's the case, that's ok...you know? I can accept that. Yet why would they choose not to tell me so? I just miss talking with them.

The fact that I entertain such filthy thoughts is beyond me as well. I cannot allow for there to be even a hint of doubt in my belief. Glorie needs me to support her and support her I shall. My focus cannot be shaken at such a critical time. My desire is simply to intercede for Glorie to the Lord.


It sure does hurt though. I'm finding it more and more difficult to encourage others. Not because there's nothing to encourage about, but because it's simply hard for me. I keep giving and giving and giving more of myself. Yet I feel like when's the last time I ever received anything?

But then again, it's not about me so what the nutz am I complaining about? *sigh*


I need help.