Monday, April 12, 2010

dual edged swords

A very trusted council of mine recently told me that one of my biggest strengths has the potential to be my biggest weakness.

This surfaced today. I discovered that my cousin reentered critical condition. More complications. More stuff running through my head about things I can't fix.

Then Terri asked me whether or not I'd rejoin the team for summer season. I would enjoy it very much, but know that it wouldn't be a healthy decision. I communicated that to her with which my response was a quaint "ok." Don't want to read too much into it, but it seems like she was holding out hope for an outcome she knew was highly unlikely. Or maybe not?

So, this leads me to the whole search for catharsis in the first place. What this ended up triggering was a real intense desire for justice. I'm unwilling to join the team cause good ol' porcupine will be there. And frankly, it doesn't seem that desirable to go through another 2 months of awkward turtle.

I spent a pretty decent amount of time thinking and rethinking of whatever I could do to fix the situation but I think at this point I'm just wasting my time. She's not the type to stay idle; if she wants something she pursues it. It's likely that. although at one point in time we may have had authentic closeness, it clearly isn't the case any more. Regardless of whatever has transpired to gradually regress us to this point, the ugliness is that we aren't anything. Not even friends.

If she wanted it to be different, I think she'd try to fix it. But why would she? She has her new boy toy now and life is just dandy for her. What does she need me for?

Only thing is, after all my analytics, I think I'm the one who feels sorry for her. It doesn't come from an arrogant "I'm better than you" state of mind either. And I really don't think it's cause I'm the least bit jaded because I'm not getting what I want. But it's a sincere, "I wish better things for your life." Her current direction will result in only two outcomes. One day she will realize exactly how rich of a resource she had with me and will lament ever releasing it or her current season of happiness will dwindle at some point (in addition to the inevitable relationship problems that will come from her new bff) and she'll want me to bounce ideas off of. The current bff will fade until another one falls into place. Then rinse and repeat into a cycle of never quite there-ness. I won't be part of the picture either way.

Who knows...perhaps her life will just continue to be 100% awesome without me. She'll get married and live happily ever after. But even in that reality, there would still be shortfall in that a very good friend in me is lost. Or, if I wasn't a good friend to begin with, it would falsify everything she told me she enjoyed so much about me to begin with. Although now that I write that out, it doesn't seem like such a farfetched possibility.

I finally got some peace again when I realized I'm thinking of things too much. I think a big reason why I'm so bothered by this is that I'm seeking repudiation from her entirely. I'm so unwilling to let go of the fact that she was so fake to me. But, as I thought that out, that's a fred problem and not a porcupine problem. If she has wronged me and isn't remorseful about it, that's God's prerogative to deal with it on His terms. But if I have a problem with it going "unnoticed" then it's more a refletion of me not forgiving her entirely. I'm still waiting on something...

Which, thankfully, is something that I can work on. Forgiveness is just as much for me as it is for her. Because I'm starting to believe all of that Christian stuff about living a life that isn't centered on me anymore. Here, I just want to get to a point where I can see Kristy physically and just be thankful to see her (even if she isn't thankful to see me). I'm still working on it, but I believe I can get there. I just get so bogged down with all the pretense. It'd be so much easier if she could just admit she'd rather pretend like she didn't do anything wrong to me then try to play both sides and spin everything like it's my fault for our non-relationship.

But whatever. For now I think I'll continue the path I've been going. Disengaging and relinquishing a relationship doesn't mean that you stopped caring about that person. But, in this relationship, Kristy has to start caring more about our relationship if it's ever to be healed.

If she want's it healed.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

[good] friday night thoughts

Really interesting service this evening at Buckhead Church.

I decided to go by myself. This isn't really that new but it was a good change up for me because I'd be ATTENDING church and not volunteering (like I will be on easter). The place was straight up packed and it was great.

I ended up sitting near a lady who had also come by herself. She kind of had the same look on herself that I must have; we both didn't really know what to expect but knew God would show up big. It's too bad we didn't come with a friend.

Anywho, the night started with some really strong bass. I'm talking shake your bones bass. This was accompanied with crazy lights (the lighting is always so dramatic at BC) and was immediately followed by a video. Then it was kind of weird. The format became video-song-video for a good 20 mins. Jeff Henderson spoke a pretty good message (it was of the standard Christ humbled himself flavor) then more music and video.

Now, the reason any of this is noteworthy is because what happened later in the evening. Firstly, I actually didn't participate in communion this evening. It just didn't feel right. Secondly, there was a strange lack of focus for me. When we started singing about the Cross and all of these wonderful things about the Cross, I couldn't help but notice that the guy next to me kept looking at his watch for the time.

I wanted to punch him in the face.

If he were in such a hurry he could've just not come. Or, if he had somewhere to be then he could've left early. But, why in the world would he keep looking at the time when we're all singing to God? Then I realized that it's precisely for people like him that Jesus did die. Then a quick glance to my left was the aforementioned woman. Hands fully in the air with tears streaming down her face while we sang "Jesus paid it all."

Irony at it's finest.
God's hilarious.
He personifies juxtaposition.