12.30.08

It's been a year.

And I still have so much to learn.

The only thing I think I've wrapped my mind around is: God.

God in my laughing.
God in my weeping.
God in my bitterness.
God in my frustration.
God in my ecstasy.
God in my curiosity.
God in my dreaming.

Yes, all of those but more simple. The fact that God is, well, God.

The compelling thing about believing God, if He is who He claims Himself to be, is that He is the most faithful person in the entire world. As such, I have learned (and relearned) that there is no satisfaction or joy that comes apart from Him.

Much of my maligned faith this year has been from a wildly incorrect perception that I would all of a sudden be so much happier once "the situation" was finally resolved. In other words, once there was true reconciliation between me and the Santos family, I believed that there would be some glorious restoration between my joy and my life.

But I'm starting to believe that even if that were to happen, there still wouldn't be some surreal joy in my life.

No, that must come from the Joygiver in the first place. And, I've discovered that joy is not always easily found. In fact, it can be incredibly tumultuous just trying to procure it amidst the infinite darkness.

But it's there. And man is it worth it.

Friday Night Thoughts

Perhaps it's my exhaustion.
Maybe even my lack of sleep.
But I have the weirdest thoughts at 3:51 in the morning.

It's really a combination of a lot of drive homes. Those curious drives that usually take 20 mins or so when one leaves the variety of parties that hallmark this festive time of the year. Where a merry time was had by all and the only thing left is to arrive safely back at one's house. For the past three days, I have had several of these drives.

Each one I put the music on the lowest audible volume possible and just marinated in my thoughts. Nothing really forced (i.e. no focusing on anything), but just kind of "went with the flow." All three times I ended up thinking about what she was doing. That lead to me thinking about how much I miss her. And that lead to me reminding myself that she doesn't even care.

I'm kind of used to everything now. I think I understand the whole positioning so that everyone would just be "ok." And that I am the stubborn thorn who just won't go away. Oh well.

The desire is still so intense to just sit down and have a quality conversation with her. Nothing forced, nothing faked, just two people enjoying one another's life so purely. It's just too bad that my hope of that becoming a reality diminishes daily. What incentive does she have? She has her boyfriend and she has her family. What use would she have with a lingering ex boyfriend?

There is some peace however. Instead of just sulking the whole ride home, I actually started smiling somewhat. Somewhere along the way, I started to understand that it's not about how soon all of this stuff will "be over" or how soon these feelings will "go away." Rather, there's a surreal feeling that comes with discovering that maybe, just maybe, God is right and is doing something bigger than what I can wrap my puny little mind around.

Like changing my heart.

Sunday Night Thoughts

I'm feeling pretty contemplative.

At some point I walked around church today and simply asked rhetorically, "why?" Why do I do all this stuff anyway?

Why do I spend half of my day at church, getting there before the sun is even up, just so I can do something as menial as operate the camera for 3 services?
Why do I wake up early at all on sunday at the first place when perhaps I could spend that time recovering from a late night saturday binge?


Then things branched out to belief questions in general.

Why do I believe in God anyway?
Why do I follow Jesus?
Wouldn't it be easier to just kind of gravitate toward whatever is popular in culture?
Isn't it ok to simply go with "what feels right" and let everyone believe what they want?
And honestly, why is Christianity worth pursuing when a lot of people who claim to be Christians don't follow the instructions of Christ?



I stood in place and just kind of looked into the parking lot alone with my thoughts. Then, as I looked at all the cars and into the horizon where the sun was conveniently above the trees I settled upon something that was curiously sweet. And it didn't completely resolve until I was back in the director's suite watching video that I had a more profound appreciation from what I believe was something Holy Spirit given.

It is my choice to follow Jesus. Specifically, it is my choice to completely surrender my life (and what I think is in my best interest) to Him and what He knows my best interest to be. But the natural question asked will be, "well how do you know that Jesus knows? How do you know He's even real at all? Is He really worth following?"

And that, in my opinion, is the empirical question of faith. Because even if Jesus isn't, then the question will still beg to be answered. And accordingly, that is what one's life will count toward. So then it will become a question of what one's life is worth devoting to.

For me, I believe with my entire being that Jesus is true life because every time I focus and truly pursue "walking" with Him, I live in the most serene feeling of peace I've ever experienced in my entire life. Further, there's an intense joy that comes with it that is greater than any sort of drunken, intoxicated pleasure I've explored in this life.

Make note, this does not guarantee that being a Christian entails some sort of stress free lifestyle. Quite the opposite in fact. In many ways, being a Christian only complicates things because the standard that everyone is supposed to live up to is so exacting that it can become incredibly daunting. Case in point--some of the most incredibly hypocritical words I've ever heard in my life came from people I know to be Christians.

But the truth, as I discovered today, is that my entire hope is fixated on Jesus. If He isn't worth it and He isn't who He says He is, then I'm the biggest dummy in the whole wide world. But I'm serious in believing that God is who He says He is. And further, I am who He says I am.

And that's what makes the difference.

ps

Sometimes I have to convince myself that it'll all be worth it.

So that was the reason why

Ever since last year, I made it intentional to stop frequenting facebook so often.

Originally, it was just because I didn't want to waste a lot of time on the internet and stuff (this is also why I don't go on youtube all that often). I realized pretty early that I would mindlessly drone around just clicking people's pages and filling up my time doing stuff like that. So I thought it would be wise to cut that out. Eventually, a lot of the drama from last year happened, so it became even easier to make the transition to stop visiting FB because so many friends/everything would remind me of her. That would invariably lead back to reflection on the situation then a lot of brain hurting would ensue thereafter.

Tonight marks the first time I've gone on the site in more than a month. I did it to be somewhat polite. There were a bunch of people doing friend requests and all this jazz so it's kind of improper etiquette to not respond to those things. But, just like I remembered, something naturally led to her.

And it sucked.

I tried keeping my thoughts captive and really focusing on keeping a grateful heart. It seems as if she is pretty happy now and everyone I know is happy along with her. I'm happy for them. Perhaps Mr. E can prevail where I and prince charming failed. She certainly seemed happy enough.

Although I really can't discount the fact that, more than her, I started missing a lot of related people. Like the sister. I think she texted me the other day (pretty sure cause it reeked of praise-isms) but didn't know to be sure. I miss all of them so much.

Alas, I suppose that it's my place, at least for right now, to continue to play my support role. If the best thing that I can do is pray then I will continue to pray. If my faith is contingent on waiting for God's timing, then I'm complain the whole time I'm waiting. And the moment never comes when true restoration arrives, then I still won't consider any of it for loss.

Because love isn't a loss.

24 hours

Some dust has settled.

So here are the observations:

- Apparently "it wouldn't work." Part of that is because I don't drink and she does. What lame sauce.

- I don't need it to work. Honestly.

- Maybe I just want it to?

- She wants to be able to go clubbing and wouldn't feel comfortable around me. I guess I saw this coming; I never was into violence.

- All things considered, there's so much about me that is likable compared to that which is not.


Someday (soon perhaps) I will be able to look at this and be genuinely thankful. I'm not quite there at this moment just because I'm still bummed. However, the faith has been that God has my best interest in mind. Therefore, although it is a natural inclination to doubt and to really question whether or not what I believe is true, I believe nonetheless.

And that's what makes the difference.

Sunday Night Thoughts

Well, it's been awhile hasn't it?

A lot of that has been intentional. Other parts of it hasn't. Either way, I've learned to internalize a little bit more.

Nothing really to share. I finally had "the conversation" tonight with Kristy. It was pretty awkward. We had FK fun day with Phil as a sidekick. Although attending church together didn't quite make it, we were able to have a pretty rockin' day.

The falcons game was a must of course. And it was such a tremendous game to be in attendance for in the first place. Let's just say that it's always good to win a game in overtime!

Then the three of us went and did dialogue in the dark. That in and of itself was pretty incredible. It was basically a very intricate exhibit detailing how it would be like to live if one were blind. Although it lasted only an hour, it was so awesome that I'll probably reflect upon it in greater detail at some point.

Then, inevitably, the conversation happened. We agreed that the really amazing friendship that has developed is something that is truly precious in both of our eyes. But the problem is that one person liked the other. And the other person didn't reciprocate those feelings. And emotions jazz everything up (good and bad).

Oh well.

Rejection specialist

One of the unique aspects of this job is the "no" factor.

In other words, 90% of the time I will hear the word "no" from anyone that I speak with. It doesn't matter if I'm telling people about how I can cure cancer; if I inquire as to when it would be a good time to sit down with someone, 90 out of 100 times I will hear the word "no." In my case, I hear the word "no" 99 out of 100 times. It's hilarious really.

This morning was particularly entertaining. I did my regular talk about how I wanted to help business owners and then positioned myself as a financial resource for their company. After I asked when a good time to meet was, our conversation went along these lines:

"I would never do business with a scam artist fake financial advisor from an insurance company."
"May I ask why not? Because you clearly may have had a bad experience that I..."
"Well I think you're stupid. How about that?"

*click*


It kinda makes it a little bit easier for when I hear no from other people not related to business.

Listen and Learn

Premise I'm currently wrestling with?
You can't hear from God if you aren't in a position to hear from God.



Man :(

Sunday Morning Thoughts

There's something that's been slowly processing in my mind for the past few days.

It's not something particularly hilarious or profound in nature, but just a simple little thought that I did not fully reflect upon. This "thought", I evaluated, was something that was out of my reach in terms of control. Yet there has been much reform in my heart and I now realize just how wise it would have been had I looked into things with more intent.

It has been stressed to me recently how my "thoughts" have had tremendous potential to influence other people. Initially I thought that this assertion was unfounded. After all, if someone were to survey my thoughts, why would they put any extra weight over what I have to say compared to someone (perhaps) more credible? It would be the equivalent of reading the op-ed in a newspaper and considering it equally justified as CNN. It just doesn't make any sense.

However, as I've been slowly, and prayerfully, thinking about the (gasp!) possibility that I have been wrong, I immediately started seeing some truth to the previously unfounded assertion. The fact that some people consider what I have to say speaks to them placing some sort of value on my perspective. Whether or not that value is negative or positive is another matter entirely, but it is an aspect of my "thoughts" that I must take into consideration.

Because, again, there is potential for influence.

Biblically, this is no surprise. James speaks passionately about always being mindful of one's mouth. He makes the parallel that the tongue is the equivalent of a small spark capable of inciting the most intense of fires. Paul makes similar conclusions in several of his letters (Ephesians 4, Philippians 4). And frankly, this is a thought that I've delved deeply into already. So, again, this is nothing new.

In light of this, I've realized a few things.
I do not necessarily ask for any attention paid to me--but, there are some who are quite attentive.
I cannot control how I am interpreted or understood--but, I should be mindful of the fact that some people may be listening.
I think out loud for benefits most considerably received by me--but I should be cognizant of the truth that those benefits may affect other people entirely.

Twilight Thinking

It's the end of the night.

I've had plenty of conversations today. From clients scattered throughout the day to buzzed coworkers at our holiday party. There's been much absorbed. But it's the one that keeps me up.

Although I feel like writing every single thing that comes to mind right now, I don't think that that would be an appropriate course of action. I simply haven't given any of it enough thought and prayerful consideration.

Nevertheless, there has been one resounding message that keeps reverberating over and over.

The inevitable will happen when someone will wrong you. Before one can even consider approaching the wrongdoer, it is appropriate to first consider any faults that the "victim" first has themselves. Although this is a biblical principle (Matthew 7), it would be wise to learn this even if one is not of the Faith. Is correction not better received in love than in condemnation?

The only way a heart is won over is through unconditional love.

Focus.

Many thoughts = little focus. So...focus.


- 1 Chronicles 29:10-11

- Proverbs 4:23

- Brazil?

- 70k FYC. 13k FG.

- very scared about tomorrow's conversation.

- Romans 11.



Help me embrace whatever You throw at me God.
Examine my heart. Make it like Yours.
Help me see where I need reform.
And likewise those who may benefit from self-examination.

Then, perhaps we can all benefit from Community.

Friday Night Thoughts

I've had over a day to sit and kind of marinade with everything.

It originally began about two weeks ago. She was noticeably guarded when she talked about everything. The conclusion was easy to draw: either she didn't trust me with the simplest of information or she was intentionally denying me information. Either way it marked a difference in the relationship.

I started to think, though, why Kat Kat wouldn't tell me about anything. It's not that she is obligated to by any means. No...I'm not required an explanation or a notice. However, I feel personally betrayed because my trust in her was such that I thought she would be one that was extremely loyal to me. Id est, I always believed that she would be one of the ones looking out for my best interest.

Naturally I sent Kat Kat a text message. It was semi inquisitive and semi taking a shot at her (basically very cynical tone all the way around). The response was that she was never sure that she was going anyway and that it was kind of a last minute thing. Fast forward two weeks and the exact same scenario occurs. Same text message gets sent but now the response was more along the lines of "well I didn't think I needed to tell you and we were just planning on it but never sure."

The reason this whole ordeal has been upsetting to me is because it gives insight to what could be a very tragic situation. My intent, both times, was simply to be able to pass something along to Glorieanne in a very personal way. After all, I'm in the business of relationship building here and this is one that is of particular importance to me. Therefore, every single chance I have to improve upon the situation is an opportunity that I will not hesitate to pursue.

All of this said, I am in full realization that the world doesn't revolve around me. Kat Kat is in no way my own personal mail carrier. Nor is she my personal arbitrator between Glorie and me. She very much lives her own life that is 100% independent of mine.

However, she does know just how special Glorie is to me. And she would know completely joyful I would be if there were but a message I could pass along to Glow via Kat Kat. And, being one of my better friends and (much more) a sister Believer, it was my expectation that she would provide some consideration for my behalf in that regard.

Yet I suppose my expectations were just set too high.

The truth ended up being that one of Kat Kat's friends has an interest in Glorieanne. An interest that is very much reciprocated.

This isn't altogether a bad thing. But it does provide a platform to show where Kat Kat's alliances were. Would it be for me? Or would it be for her husband's best friend? Soon enough a lot of cliche rhetoric will follow. How no one was trying to facilitate anything and that "things just started happening" or some BS along those lines.

But when it comes down to it, the fact is that Glorie is very much into Mr. Kat Kat's best friend; and that's the the interest that Kat Kat decided to protect. After all, the fact that he was accompanying the both of them on both occasions gave some incentive to withhold that precious piece of information from me. It would have been so valuable if Kat Kat had gone the extra measure of saying something as simple as, "Fred...you're my friend and because I value your friendship I just want to be honest with you. Even though things aren't final yet I may go down to see Glorie." Something along those lines.

Alas, what position am I in to even be considered? I will be looked at as the jealous ex boyfriend (again) and the vision I have for restoration will diminish little by little (again). At least Glorie was forward with me.

I guess this is just another batch of wonder to add to the pile of tension that I'm trying to remove. I just never thought one of my better friends would be among those who would contribute to it.

back later

Unfortunately I can't say that I spent my day being as reflective and thankful as I thought I should be.

In fact, one of the major highlights of my day was getting beat pretty badly by my cousins in poker. Sure it cost me $20 overall, but I really got to spend some time with some of the cousins that I barely spend time with in the first place. And, for the first time in my life, I think that my mom's side of the family is a lot closer than my dad's side. That has never been the case but it is right now.

I'd like to say that I stayed focused today, but I didn't.
I just can't help but wonder about the future.


Yet, I still have hope.

Exhort I say!

Not much time now but I should revisit this at some point tonight.

But, I have but one big thing on my mind.

Lord, who have I but You?
I don't know how You're going to get glory out of this, but I know You will.
Because that's the God that I serve.

I humbly accept that I can't out intellectualize you my Father.
I understand that things aren't going to go my way all the time.

Yet, if You could just let me know that You're here, it would make all the difference in the world.
Help me see the things with which I should be grateful for.
Even if my near-sightedness causes me to focus on the temporary things of this life.

Because emotions are fickle.
And You are everlasting.

In You, my God and my friend, do I find my peace.

Saturday Night Thoughts

I had the most interesting phone call the other night.

My phone displayed the call id - "Need a Bandaid?" when I quickly realized I hadn't talked to Sil in quite sometime. To my surprise she was crying pretty badly. I immediately dropped everything I was doing and listened intently.

It was pretty clear that they just finished a pretty serious argument. And here I was seeing first hand the fallout as a result. I wanted to badly to just hug her. Let her know how dearly loved she is. Cause at that moment it can easily feel like life is hopeless.

She asked me to pray for her and after I finished things still seemed the same. She felt kind of awkward and ended up letting me go. I tried to persist in staying with her (it felt like the least I could do to support her) but she wanted to go. Before she did, I ended up telling her that I loved her. It was kind of weird. I don't really enjoy throwing that out there but I felt so compelled to tell her for some reason. Not because I was trying to charm my way into her pants, but because I had such an urgent need to let her know how dear she was and just how precious she really is (even if it didn't feel like it at the time). To my surprise, she told me she loved me back. It was kind of neat.

Thinking about it now, this whole situation really showcases just how badly I hate broken relationships. I hate it with a passion. It messes everything up and it ends up leaving so much debris. It affects multiple parties. It's effects are long lasting. It's horrible all around. In fact, it may be the only thing that God and I see eye-to-eye on in terms of disdain. If anyone questions the validity of this, I surely hope I have the pleasure of talking with them sometime. One need look no further than my life to see the very damaging ramifications of broken relationships.

And now here was one of my friends going through a similar pain. It felt awful. It's as if my heart was breaking alongside hers. Which is why all I wanted to do was just give her a big hug and let her know I was there. Cause often times that's all I wanted when I was hurting so badly. And instead all I got was people pointing fingers at me and telling me how wrong I was for doing various things. Which is why so many people naturally gravitate toward Jesus. He, more than anyone, had every right to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were and how justified He was.

Yet, in endless grace, He chose to give us a great big hug.

The cycle of faith

Two steps forward. One step back.

There's still a lot of unrest.
There's still plenty of "should have" and "why didn't you" that are unanswered.
It's still messy and at times I think I'm the only one who still has a broom in hand.

But the tranquility is growing and the serenity is louder.

I have (re)discovered that, regardless of who was "right" or "wrong" everything that has happened has happened. That is, God has allowed this situation to conceive, intensify, and blow up with scintillating precision. Translation: there is method to His madness and order to the wisdom.

I miss Glorie.
I miss Glorie a lot. All of the arguments that we have entered into recently have only intensified that feeling. In other words, it only highlights how much I desire for our friendship to be restored.

But, it's entirely plausible to believe that our friendship may...never be restored. And I hate that I have to face up to that reality. I want Glorie to be a part of my life. I want her to be a great part of my life. But she has to want the same thing and it doesn't feel like she does.

In this delicate balance, I've lost sight of the fact that there are a number of people He has surrounded me with who are great parts of my life (and want me to be a great part of theirs). They may not have the same indescribable bond that Glorie and I have, but they are nonetheless equally as valuable. In my tunnel vision of focusing on my dear glorieanne, I inadvertently missed out on the people trying to help me.

The only piece left was why exactly God would allow it such that such a wonderful part of my life is now such a confusing one. And I still don't have an answer to that question. But that's ok. Cause I do have historical evidence that, regardless of reason, He has my best interest in mind. All I really have to do is trust that this situation is no different.

Which, I suppose, is what faith really is in the first place.

The other side of drama

I had a pretty bad day today.

I couldn't shake it off of me. I was completely saddened by yesterday. I cried last night (haven't done that in a few months) and woke up feeling horrible.

I tried staying focused but nothing ever really happened. During my phone sessions today I would call people up then literally pause just cause my mind was so preoccupied and just repeat the process over again.

Then I started beating myself up just cause I'm letting myself get so preoccupied with my small stuff. In other words, I'm out of focus because I'm not leveraging this to be a faith builder. Then I just got confused.



But eventually I came across something that gave me some peace (Matt 6): God knows.

At the very end of the day, God knows precisely what I'm going through. And that helps me.

feelin' like akljdhsgl

Frustration. It's really unreal how bad it can get sometimes.

I was finally able to talk with Glorie after playing tag with her for the past 4 days. We began our usual dance routine but I am pretty scared about where it's headed next.

It started when I simply asked what she did for her birthday. She simply replied that she hung out with her friends. I dug further (as I would have, mind you, with any of my other friends) when she remained insistent on not telling me which friends she hung out with. I persisted further only to get declined again.

Naturally, awkward silence ensued. She was clearly guarding something and I didn't really want it to be a bother...but the fact is that her intentionally keeping that info from me was marking just where the relationship stood. She wasn't telling me for a specific purpose. In other words, had things been "normal" between us, she would have had no problem at all telling me (like how things have always been). But, as reality harshly points out, we aren't...normal.

Turns out that kat kat was the one she ended up going out with. And the reason she was withholding that info from me was because she didn't want me to get all weird and stuff because I couldn't come down to see her. Of course it probably didn't help that the first thing out of my mouth was, "no I can kind of tell when I'm not wanted." which was much to her disapproval. I didn't say that to be spiteful though. I was just raw with how I saw the situation. If we had to distill it, she and her family would have rather not had me there than enjoy my presence. It's the truth. I just didn't say it in the politically correct way.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone down even if I had known kat kat's plans. It seems obvious that it would have been unwise and simply not in the best interest of the entire friendship that needs rebuilding. I just wish kat kat would've told me; not because she needs my permission or anything but so that I could have perhaps sent a personal note or something to be hand delivered. But, as I look at it in hindsight, I suppose they were just going through preventative measures to keep tension at a minimum. But then again...that doesn't make any sense. The best remedy against tension is transparency. Blah.

The end result was the same though (sadly). The only thing different here was that I discovered a little bit more just how low Glorie views me. I mean she can't even share with me the people whom she joyfully enjoyed her birthday with. And we ended up leaving with a little bit more uneasyness than we started the day with. She says she doesn't like talking to me cause I always get sad about something. I always get sad about something cause I always discover another way with which she doesn't view me as any ordinary friend anymore. It's a depressing cycle.

I hope and pray desperately for a breakthrough. I'm trying my best. But she may just run out of patience.

I didn't fail!

and I didn't pass either.


That's right. I didn't even take the test.
In other words, I took $90 and gave it to the state of Georgia for free.


sexy.

2 hours

I'm really nervous. I don't get nervous.

I don't know if I'll pass. I always pass.

I'm uncertain. I'm always confident.


focus...?

next?

I recently had a conversation with Glorie that proved rather insightful.

A few weeks ago, when I first discovered the posture of my heart (in all its ugliness), I called her simply to let her know the crazy stuff God was up to. I didn't really have subtle intent behind it all; rather, just an uncomplicated phone call to notify my "under construction" sign going up. She reacted in her normal sort of way. "Oh really? That's cool."

In fairness, she genuinely was happy that I was on a track for change, but nothing worth going crazy over. So, I started calling her and tried talking like I would any one of my normal friends. No bringing up the past. No intent of directing the conversation one way or another. Just simple, let the conversations lead where it may kinda stuff. The only problem is that she had become a fairly hard person to contact. We played phone tag for quite some time. Which leads us to our most recent conversation.

We started with the requisite small talk and then hit the awkward silence portion of the evening. It was horrible. It was one of those conversations that was actually an interrogation. I kept trying to be open and be as natural as possible but, for one reason or another, conversation was not to be had. In other words, it was just one person talking and the other answering. Discouraging to say the least. I told her how awkward it was making me feel. That's when she finally shared her perspective with me.

The general sentiment was that she felt it would not be appropriate for us to talk everyday. Instead, weekly would be a more fitting time interval. This was not altogether surprising to me. I mean that's to be expected from many of my friends. But it's the support that came afterward that was really hard to hear.

Essentially, her words distilled into one general message: "You have to deal with your past before we can talk." Obviously she didn't quite put it so plainly, but it was very much the signal she was sending. The logic is, according to her, that even though we may voluntarily choose not to bring up the past it will continue to be an issue until I address it.

There is some truth to what she's getting at. It will be an issue until God can move me to a place of complete forgiveness. However, does that mean that our friendship has to be mutually exclusive until that point? In other words, is it necessary for us to not talk simply because I haven't "dealt" with this pain?

I suppose it's only fitting for her/them to hold a position like that. After all, I was the one demanding for contrition before I allowed for the rebuilding of the friendship so this must be what it feels like to taste my own medicine. The only difference here is that I thought there would be at least a modicum of happiness for me when my mind finally "got around" to realizing that perhaps I was wrong. I know that I would've been jumping for joy if they ever stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, some of the decisions that they made were not the most wise.

In all honesty, I wonder if all of this stuff is worth it. I thought Glorie and I would be able to enjoy deep friendship again at some point because we both would be able to feel that unique place that the other used to hold in their life. But, if our last conversation was any indication, she could care less whether or not we're friends. She sure doesn't get happy when she talks with me (as I do with her).

Which...hurts me. Cause I get so incredibly happy when she calls me.

Heart monitor

I think it's time for my check up.

As it stands now, I can say with confidence that I believe I'm headed in the right direction. I'm not all the way where I want to be and there's definitely a lot more work that needs to be done. BUT, thankfully my heart is changing. Here's what has been happening in detail:

- With regard to all the "drama" that happened last year, my opinion is still pretty much in line. There are several key decisions made that, in my opinion, would have much benefitted from the wisdom and insight from objective wise council. This would have salvaged the relationship instead of allowing the destruction that resulted.

However, where I am completely different is in my expectation of the family. I discovered, thankfully, that it is absolutely wrong for me to carry myself the way that I have. For all the christianity I claim to hold to, what I failed to consider was the fact that all the virtues that I prioritize so highly must also be applicable to me. This seems obvious intellectually but it is another thing entirely when emotion is added to the mix.

All I really mean to say is this: Even if my sentiment is right regarding the way this situation has been handled, it does not give me the right to point a finger and dictate how someone should feel after the fact. The only result of my incorrect attitude has been an even more intense feeling of tension. And, well, friendships can't be built with tension in the air.

- After discovery, I immediately asked God to change the posture of my heart. So, as a result, my intent has changed. I still want her family to understand what they did. But it doesn't come from a bitter place anymore. It's not a "requirement" so to speak. Instead, it's more like how a friend desires for a friend to learn from their mistakes simply so they won't get hurt again (i.e. like how a parent wants their kid to understand why jumping off the kitchen table was a bad idea--not to rub it in their face how bad of a kid they are but because they don't want them getting hurt again). This has been a HUGE process. But, the end conclusion I kept coming to was that it is not my job to change people's hearts. My job is only to extend the same forgiveness that has been given to me. And, to be honest, that's hard to do to people who hurt you so much.

- So where do I go from here? I don't know.

That may seem a little trite, but it's the truth. I'm doing everything I can on my end to restore the friendship. This includes checking myself over and over again in contrast to Christ. And, I feel like there's much to work on. There's a lot of gunk buildup that has accumulated over the year. But, it's getting better and that's something worth celebrating.

I only hope that there is equal persistence and equal jubilation for me on the other end.

beware of mouth!

Scripture: "3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." James 3:3-6

Translation: Words have an incredible amount of potential to either edify or destroy. However, their propensity for destruction is 10x more dangerous than their ability to uplift. The reason being is that a few choice words can demolish what took years and years to build up. James is basically saying that it's just like a fire. What took years and a lot of time to build up a fire could take down in mere minutes. The same is true with the words that stem from our tongue.

Example: Build up a solid relationship with a particular family. Then various actions start damaging said friendship. The words that really broke everything down?
"We're simply doing what God wants us to do."

Application: Beware of your mouth.



Note: Being involved with the various damaging implications of ones mouth does not justify one for being bitter. Because James, in fact later in the chapter, talks about the value of heaven-stemming wisdom. And, the conclusion is found in 17 and 18: "Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor."

ok I'll give my two cents

I hope everyone was prepared for this.

It's not like it was going to be a big surprise that Obama would win. I just hope everyone keeps appropriate perspective. That is, realize this: All leadership is a stewardship--and leaders are held accountable. This would've been true even if McCain had won.

Personally, I'm not really sure what to think. I definitely have strong disagreements with Obama on certain key issues, but in the end my principal focus remains not on the president of the United States but rather the Savior of the Universe. And I don't say this in a glib sort of manner. Everyone plays the Christian card. But the truth of the matter is that God would still be doing just fine regardless of whom the winner would have been (and that's what makes or breaks my life).

It is my desire that for the next four years, Barack would place his trust not on the temporary position of power that he will assume, but on the Giver of all. In humility, I pray sincerely that Obama would truly value the importance of wise council (both political and spiritual). I hope that for all the high aspirations of reform that he has built his platform on, he would pause to consider, with every decision, the best question ever: in light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?

Last, I hope that he stays focused and never loses sight of the fact that regardless of the result of his tenure in office, his worth will never diminish in the eyes of Christ. In other words, I hope he always draws hope from the fact that, although I anticipate him to try his very best while in office, regardless of outcome his standing will not be changed. Secure understanding of this truth is paramount to visioncasting for the next four years.




Oh and stupid Florida.

thinking.

It's a weird feeling every monday night.

The Living Room (ministry of my church) is great every monday. I really enjoy the environment they create to make God all the more approachable. I love helping out on the production team. Sure I do something as simple as putting words on the screen or moving some sliders to make pretty colors appear, but it's a job nonetheless. I even love helping clean up afterwards even though that means I effectively spend 4 hours every monday night committed to this thing.

Afterwards I feel incredibly awkward. It's when we finish up and everyone goes on their respective way. I get in my car after I say farewell to everyone and prepare for the 30 minute drive home. I'm pretty accustomed to riding in the car by myself; I mean I've even grown to thoroughly enjoy it some of the time. But it's a different experience each time and tonight was a lonely one.

I started calling a lot of people. After all, I didn't want someone to miss a quality opportunity to talk with fred since I had a long drive home. But person after person didn't pick up. Inevitably I ended up calling Glow. She picked up...only to say she'd call me back later. (She never called back).

Being the last person that I called, I started thinking about Glorie. And, well, all I can say is that I miss her. I spent probably 2/3 of the drive thinking about how we can start rebuilding our friendship. I'm eager to start. I don't really care about the whole drama (well I'm working on it I should say) but more than anything I just want to laugh with her again.

And just see her smile.

Dazed

The past few days have blitz me like none else.

I'm really starting to find my groove at work. I'm not doing anything spectacular. And I still haven't received a single paycheck. But at the very least I'm starting to find a rhythm with my appointments and I'm really starting to get to know everyone a lot better.

I come home really tired and wake up tired. It's kind of a lull. Maybe I'll start my coffee addiction at this point. I'm almost tempted to drink the stuff.

There's a neat thing about this job: delayed gratification. In fact, it's integral. The faith is that the enormous amount of work I'm putting in right now will pay dividends at a later point in time. It better. Cause my bills are starting to pile up.

NYL, quite simply, is dominating my life right now.



Oh and Kristy rubbed in my face how her Texas man was going to visit her this December. Lovely.

Monday Musings

I wonder what she's doing?

Friday Night Thoughts

There is one area that hasn't received any attention at all. Whatever happened to Ryan anyway?

When I received news that he and Glow were no longer an item, I felt pretty awkward. I was gloating in a sense because the end that I so hotly predicted was true, but at the same time I was very intentional about not being joyful in another person's misery.

I wrote him an email back in the day to try and address some of his negative sentiment toward me but only received a threat in return. I replied immediately and have yet to receive a response.

This is actually where I get kind of sad. I would have loved to have an intellectual conversation with Ryan about many of his feelings toward God. The moment I started inching toward that direction in any of our interactions, I'd only get transient responses to go on.

Which is not to say that I wouldn't delve into such things were the opportunity available today. I would. Our lives are very much intersected and I'm in it for the long haul.

In truth, I really don't hold anything against him. He was just doing what any person does and that's secure what they want. It certainly came at very costly expense, but all in all he acted the way any other non-christian would.

In contrast, this is precisely why I'm so bitter with how Glorie's family has acted this whole time. With non-christians, there's at least a reasonable out in that they, not being renewed in mind by the holy spirit, simply don't know how to act any better. But verse after verse commands us, as the community of Christ, to live in unity with another:

Ephesians 4:3
1 Corinthians 1:10
Romans 12:15-16
Philippians 2:4

But alas, anyone can spin the bible to support their argument. The simple distinction is this: they knew that their choices would be the destruction of our relationship. And they didn't care.

Whatever.

The ugly realization

Ok.

I've really had time to simmer down and examine my heart. Here are the results:

- As originally idealized, Kristy was right. The raw truth is that I probably haven't forgiven Glorie's family for what they have done to me.

- I do not want to remain at this place.

- The thing that bugs me the most is the horrible way being a Christian complicates all of this. If they were true in their faith, considering all the christianese that they talked up toward me (you know what that is...the whole "God is doing something bigger that we can't understand" thing) would have validated itself over time. But, in hindsight we discover that they didn't really mean anything they said to me and in fact demonstrated just the opposite.

On the other hand, if I'm as Christian as I profess, then I would have the maturity to look past the situation into the depth of the situation. In other words, can I love so purely that I receive nothing in return (which is exactly the way Christ loved us through the Cross).

- I want peace one way or the other. If they love me and care about me the way that it has been said they do, then I want them to be sorry for hurting someone they care/love. That would be such a simple demonstration of the very love they profess.

On the contrary, if they really like Ryan more than me, then I wish they'd say it to me straight up. Don't give me some BS about how they weren't choosing Ryan but maintaining a reality of Glorie's life. Just be transparent and say that they value him more than me. The ugly truth is still the truth.

- I'm quite comfortable with the fact that this is still very much an issue in my heart. Yes it has been over a year since this jazz has happened, but it's taking me a long time to heal for a reason. Either I'm a slow healer or there is a tremendous amount to heal. People can look down on me all they want for how long I'm taking, but only God knows what it's been like to be in my shoes with all the knives in my back.

- I'm very happy that I have identified this area of life as something that needs attention. It's very humbling to realize the depth of your depravity and only gives insight as to how much saving one really needs. In my case, I need a Savior small enough to hold my hand but big enough to hold the world.

- My prayer is that I would emerge from this ordeal not only able to truly forgive Glorie's family, but more than anything to be a more loving and forgiving person in general. I take this straight from Luke 7

"He who has been forgiven little loves little"

My hope is that this concept would be unmistakably real in my life.

update (pt 2)

This job is going to be harder than I thought.

(i.e. I made 150 cold calls today. Nevermind the fact that cold calling is akin to taking a shower in a bucket of ice, but I didn't get one single person who said yes to me having a meeting.)

I honestly believe that I can help everyone (and I can. Really.). But no one wants my help. Something is aloof here no?

Even some of my friends are starting to be wary of me calling them trying to schedule an appointment. I wish I could let them see that I'm not trying to be a salesman to them; rather, I want to make sure that they're ok.

In other words, I'd rather live with the fact that they think I'm a little annoying then live with the regret of having something detrimental happen and knowing I could've done something to help them be more prepared. All I want to do is show people what I do. Honestly.

Guess that's about it on the job front.


Oh, and Kristy is crazy about Texas guy. Go figure.

Thought for food

I've had a bunch of time to think about life.

My life to be honest. Specifically everything that Kristy said. The problem is that I'm not liking what I discovered. There's a lot of ugly stuff just welled up inside of me. It's horrible.

The honest truth is that I'm still pretty hurt at everything. I could go on reexplaining everything but it wouldn't really do anything. The simple truth is that they don't really care that they hurt me. It's that simple.

Then, talking with Kristy tonight, it couldn't be any more clear how crazy she is about this other guy. I hope she's happy with him. And I especially hope that he deserves her. Kristy is a pretty incredible woman and she better not settle for anybody.

Thankfully, I can say tonight that I'm a little bit more peaceful. In the living room tonight we discussed a passage in Colossians 2. Paul basically makes the assertion that if we, "Christians", really are rooted in Christ the way we like to appear that we are, one of the natural overflows of that truth is that we would be overflowing with thankfulness. In other words, people who are really like Jesus are the most grateful people on earth.

I haven't been thankful in awhile.

But then again, I'm always learning. Perhaps this is no different. My goal is to simply be more thankful and maintain a bigger perspective. I hope to be more thankful. And I hope that it's a real gratefulness as well. Not one of those glib (oh yeah praise Jesus) but one of those things that are so flippin inspirational that you start to get curious how someone can be developed in such a way.

And it starts with being thankful for all the hurt that happened to me.

Friday Night Thoughts

What a day.

I didn't sleep last night. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to "study" the whole morning in preparation for my test. What ended up happening was that I got to the testing center exhausted. I then thought it would be a fantastic idea to buy a rockstar mocha energy drink. Perhaps it would give me the boost I needed only this morning. So, it's only fitting that. . .

I failed the test.

I was bummed for the majority of the day. I'm not an idiot and I was certainly capable of passing this test. But, I set myself up for failure with my fatigue and poor time management. Looking back, I see it as a way of God slowly humbling me and giving that gentle little reminder that He gives and takes away. Oh well.

Then I ended up talking with Kristy more. I really love talking to that woman. We only spent like an hour on the phone today but it was cool. I discovered that she's pretty crazy about this other guy. It kind of hurt when I heard it. I want her to like me. I want her to be perpetually curious about me the way I am with her. But it seems evident that things aren't working out that way. This is no big loss. After all, we're still very much close friends which is something that I'm still very grateful for.

Part of this was confirmed when I talked with her today. I talked about Glorie since she talked about her crush. She's familiar with the situation and thus I asked for her advice. The results were staggering. It went something like this:

"Well what do you think I should do?"
"I dunno. How long are you going to let it bother you?"
"I don't know. I just want them to be sorry for hurting me you know?"
"I know. They shouldn't have hurt you. But it's pretty obvious they're not going to be sorry anytime soon. It's up to you to make a choice as to what you'll do in this situation. You can either move on and forgive them or let this eat you up. It's your choice."
"I have forgiven them. I just wish there was a part of them that was sorry."
"If you've forgiven them this wouldn't be bothering you so much. Why don't you just forgive them? Isn't that something that you're big into?"
"Yes."
"Well it doesn't seem like it."
*no response*


What if she's right? Here comes this girl, who is just starting to delve into a full relationship with Christ, dropping a theological bomb on me. It felt like a spiritual kick in the nuts.

Have a truly forgiven Glorie's family?

If Kristy can smell it and identify it so clearly, something must be amiss. The problem is, I want so badly for there to be retribution for all the hurt done to me. Not necessarily an execution of judgment, but moreso a contrite heart and genuine remorse. The question then becomes, "do I need those things in order to forgive (i.e. "move on")?" What a freaking thought.

God, thank you for Kristy.

Update

- I rocked my presentation today. Well not really. I'd say I got a rock solid B. But it's profound enough to say that I was aiming for the A all the way.

- I take my LAS test in 3.5 hours. The last time I took the practice test I failed. If I don't pass this I can't go very far in this job.

- James 1:22 "do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves--do what it says"

- I don't do what the word says.

- I wish I could just push some button that would make it better between Glorie and I.

- Plenty of other background noise in my life that are meaningful but not eternal.


Above everything that's going on in my life, I'm discovering this baseline peace. It's not some zen meditative state that I suddenly arrive at. Rather, it's just a completely transformed thought process that above it all I'll be ok.

In other words, even if I failed my test tomorrow, even if things don't work out between Glorie and me, even if I fail at my new job, even if I screw up and sin some more, it won't have any bearing on my eternal identity of being a child of God. That's an incredibly powerful place to be once your mind wraps around it.

thinking tuesdays

The management team at NYL is getting pretty frustrated with our group.

It's kind of funny when you think about it. I imagine it's akin to when someone joins any sort of group initiation environment. It's easy to compare/contrast previous groups with the current one. I feel we're among the worst regimen ever to enter. It's ok though. I feel like I'll prove my worth when it's all said and done. I've always loved the fact that I'm a late bloomer anyway.

In other semi-frustrating news, I hit a really rough spot tonight. I finished watching House and tried studying all the stuff we're required to know for the new job. At some point, when my head started to hurt, I decided to take a "break."

Bad idea.

I walked around and just let thoughts come to me in a whimsical fashion. This inevitably led to Glorie and man did it hit me bad. I tried thinking of Kristy just to thwart my brain but it was a losing effort. I got kind of angry at some point.

There was email correspondence that had been taking place but it stopped abruptly. The problem is that I had some pretty critical questions for her/her family in my last email which have never been answered. It's not too late for them to respond, but as each day goes by the urgency will go down and thus the greater the probability that these questions will never be answered.

Oh well. It really boils back down to the crux of the matter that I proposed from the very beginning. If they could do it all over again, would they change anything? If they wouldn't change what they did to me (and to use their words "we're not sorry for what we did cause we didn't do anything wrong") then I think it would give me a tremendous amount of closure to actually hear it. Then I'll know that they slammed the door shut with a resounding thud.

Tonight was different in that I wondered why they said those things to me. I thought about what would happen if my parents found out they held to that precise position (remember, at this point my parents are under the impression that they're sorry for everything that they did). I really wonder what would happen if her family said to mine, "we're not sorry for anything we did to Fred because we didn't do anything wrong." Obviously this hypothetical would never happen, but the irony is that this precise sentiment is a driving factor as to why we aren't friends.

All of this is to say that I got pretty frustrated. I didn't even know why I was consuming myself with such thoughts. But, I suppose this is what's still on my mind. I can't believe how incredibly deep this relationship went in my life. And, if I had to be honest, I guess that I'm pretty hurt that the same wasn't true for my counterpart(s).

Lord, give me clarity in viewing this situation from your eyes and fresh perspective to consider aspects I have yet to ponder. More than anything, help me respond in a way that's righteous but loving; I want to respond the same way You responded to me when I broke our relationship. Leverage this event for Your glory such that I can proudly showcase how You grow Your kid's faith if we only let You.

residual thoughts

Today was pretty difficult.

I found it so hard to focus today. It probably didn't help that the lecturer today had the driest, most monotonous voice out of everyone in the office. The nail in the coffin was naturally my boredom.

The reason any of this is noteworthy is because I ended up thinking about Glorie a lot. Something reminded me of her eyes. Holding her face and smiling at her as she gleefully looked into the eyes of her love.

Things between me and the crush have cooled down considerably and naturally she really is no contest compared to Glorie. It sucks so bad. I wanted to call her today and just have a conversation like we used to. I was staring at my phone just waiting to press send but I knew I couldn't.

I miss her so much. And it's still bothersome that we can't even enjoy each other's friendship.

Adding insult to injury was the fact that tonight a lot of my family started asking questions about her. Nothing intrusive; just simple questions from concerned family. "How are things between you and Glorie?", "Are you guys still friends?"
I wish I could answer honestly, "yes...but no" but they wouldn't be able to understand. How do you tell your family that the people who hurt you are sorry that you were hurt...but not sorry for what they did to hurt you in the first place?

Then I would have to field the questions about why I still hope for closeness with Glorie again in light of everything they put me through. But I can't answer that either.

Cause I can't really explain why I thought about her like how I did today. She's incredibly special to me. That's all.

Too bad that doesn't count for anything.

Day two

While learning more about my job today, I learned a very wonderful truth: Without trust, it is impossible to build a relationship with someone.


What a thought.

More mindless chatter

Today was my first day of training at NYL.

I found out that it's going to be a grueling two weeks. This is actually a good thing. I would much rather have a company take me through "boot camp" and me be better prepared once I'm really getting started than to be in a situation where the company is babying me and I end up no better than when I first entered the doors.

One thing I have noticed is that there's a lot of pride at this company. Many people that are proud of the company that they work for and proud of what they do. I applaud this very much, the whole unashamed of who I am deal. However, I truly hope I don't fall victim to the trap of letting this job define my identity. Far be it for me to allow such a trivial thing such as a job be worth my devotion. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the company and for everyone who has prepared the way on my behalf. However, no job, despite how prestigious, is worth my life.

In all, I'm pretty nervous about the whole deal. There's so much unknown. And a lot will depend on my propensity for diligence. Add to that the fact that it is an absolutely splendid time to go into the financial services market in the US, and you have a fruity concoction of a predicament. Nonetheless, I have full faith that Jesus will provide. And, to be honest, that feels kinda weird for me to say. But I truly believe it.

In any case, the 32 hours of FCS (training) I have left will be nothing compared to the tests I have left. One for insurance and two so that I can be a financial advisor. It doesn't really help thought that 15% of people pass the insurance test the first time they take it. And it's $90 to take the test. Every time.

Oh joy.

man I'm so weird

Tonight (or this morning?) I picked a great time to have insomnia.

I have to be at church in about 2 hours so I'll just go 24 hours without sleep. It was kind of weird. There's that feeling when you lie down and have your eyes closed but aren't quite asleep yet. Many people count sheep or do something rudimentary in order to get their minds to wind down and prepare for rest. When you're wired like me, this little "pre-sleep" time is when I have the most eccentric of thoughts. This can be good or bad as some times I will consider the most profound of ponderings in those moments. Other times I simply go buck wild thinking about so much. Tonight (or this morning?) was the latter.

I hung out with my crush again today. It was a weird spur-of-the-moment hang out session. We ended up playing poker when her phone kept blowing up with random text messages. I surmised from her wide smiles that they emanated from her crush. So naturally my heart sank just a little bit. It's a curious feeling really. Wanting so badly to be thought a certain way from a certain special individual...only to have them think nothing of the sort in your direction. It's like the whole time I just wanted to say "I wish you would smile for me sometime."

The thing is I can't quite identify what exactly that draws me to her. She is a Christian...but doesn't love Jesus half as much as I wish she would. She's pretty...but not Glorie pretty. We're completely different in fact. She gets inebriated from time to time and frequents the local poker table often. I do silly things like wake up early to go run cameras for a church and spend extra time trading video games to possibly make a small sum of money. She still makes extensive use of expletives that I long rid my vernacular of. She's smarter than me.

But, in the end, we have some pretty wonderful conversations. Although our past and present are worlds apart, there is an indescribable allure that exists toward the other person. According to her, she has never encountered someone so genuinely authentic, compassionate, and kind in her entire life. But I can't narrow precisely what it is about her that I like so much. She's interesting no doubt but what about her is so wonderful? I like how she laughs a lot. I like how she loves her family. I like her quirky sense of humor. I like how she thinks she's wittier than me.

I suppose it's the sum of all of those little things that attribute to my infatuation. I simply smile when I think about her. And I haven't been able to say that for a while about anyone. Every time I think about Glorie and I smile, it's immediately met with all the fallout from what happened last year. With Ms. T, it's simply...a smile.

I guess this is what is driving me nuts. For as much as she can make me smile, the sentiment isn't reciprocated entirely. I'm certain that she has some sort of affinity for me. It's evident in her body language. I just wish she was all giddy and girly over me. It sucks.

Thankfully, I have a pretty strong peace about this whole thing. Ever since all of this started to precipitate, all of my thoughts were intersected by the Holy Spirit.
"Do you want Me fred or do you want a girl?"
"Do you love Me fred or do you only sing those songs to me at church?"
"Do you trust Me or not fred?"

And here I was thinking that this trust lesson was over with already.

oh well

So I've had a little bit of a crush on someone lately.

I don't really know where it developed from either. It started out with intrigue then I suppose it simply snowballed to the full on crush that it is right now.

Unfortunately, I don't believe that they have a crush on me. If anything, they even gave hints as to how crazy about someone else they were. It's fitting I suppose. The whole chasing something that was never there in the first place. Oh well.

God is hilarious.

And, I say smiling, there is beauty in singleness.

What am I thinking about now?

Alas I find myself back in this space.

In light of all this contemplation about thoughts and all this Christian hub bub I still find myself thinking about Glorie. There's this perpetual struggle going on within my head about whether or not I'm simply "hanging on" or whether this is a testament to how much I really valued the relationship. In either case, the reality is that it's still very much on my mind. And my council gives me conflicting advice as to what I should do about it.

This isn't anything new as I've bloviated about this singular topic for so long now, but I'm being completely honest when I say this is what's on my mind. It's not nearly as dominant as it was last year though. The pain isn't nearly as strong either. But, although the intensity has diminished significantly, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still very much there.

It's the times like right now where it still hurts the most. When I consider how she's already long asleep in her bed with nothing in the world able to perturb her slumber. It's in the wake of midnight when I consider most just how much I long to be involved with her life. To know what she simply did today. To hear about what she thinks about. To laugh at the random jokes she finds on websites. To hear what new discovery she has uncovered. But all of this collides violently with the reality that I'm simply not able to enjoy any of this; there's no friendship to build off of.

It hurts pretty badly. Tears still flow consistently down. But what does that matter? There is nothing I can do to rid myself of the "obsessive ex-boyfriend" title that I've now been branded with.

The only thing that helps me get through this is the faith that I have that God, if He is real and if He is who He says He is, is more than aware of my situation. Thankfully, I've had many friends remind me of this perspective. From my small group who have done nothing but supported me faithfully in prayer, to Myriam in her perpetual goal of having me staying focused on the bigger (i.e. Godly) picture, to Kat Kat and her non-judgmental way of simply letting me know that she's there. Indeed, I have been surrounded with people who all point to the God we mutually draw strength from.

Someday it will be my time to draw from this experience to give Glor(ie) to God. I hope I do so with all of my heart.

the thought process

There's a fascinating idea that I've been able to explore extensively for the past several days.

This isn't an original idea of mine, of course. Instead, I was introduced to it by the high school director from my local church. The idea is a simple one really:

"Your thoughts will drive your actions. Therefore, what you think you will become."

It's kind of a weird idea to digest from the onset. It seems like there's a lot of holes in the logic, but I've found that the basic premise of the idea is rock solid. Think about it.

When a husband cheats on his wife, he doesn't just wake up and state "I'm going to wreck my marriage and destroy the relationship I've built up for so long because I feel good!" No. Instead, the end result (the affair) is the culmination of several small thoughts. Usually a nice compliment progresses to a longer-than-normal hug. Then the long hug turns into a "casual" lunch. The snowball continues to doing projects together. I'm sure the continuation of this process should be obvious.

This idea is true with the inverse as well. Those who desire to be excellent in their lives are those who think about excellent things. Michael Jordan certainly wasn't content being in 2nd place. He is insatiably driven to be the best at what he does. Michael Phelps doesn't casually swim when he competes; instead, his goal is to execute so perfectly that no one else in the world can do what he does.

All this said, I considered what the application is in my life. Then I immediately thought of this small speck of dust that I have aptly dubbed "think." And, as weird as it is, I think about what I think. At first I felt kind of proud and stuff cause I was finally doing something right for a change. That I was doing something healthy and loved doing it at that. Then I got incredibly challenged once I realized the biblical application of this principle of thoughts:

"Finally, brothers,
whatever is true
whatever is noble
whatever is right
whatever is pure
whatever is lovely
whatever is admirable, —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. " Philippians 4:8


I don't think I "think" about any of those things. I just complain. In fact, I just highlighted how easily filled my small mind is with dumb stuff.

Yet there is hope. Because, gracefully, God doesn't need overly qualified people in order to use them. Instead, He calls on those who are simply willing.

And the rest is all Him.

Contemplate

I find myself wrestling with God right now.

In my head I know I should pursue Him.
I know full and well that He is the satisfaction.
He is Life.
He is Peace.
He is Provision.
He is Love.
He is Enough.


So why do I find myself so easily filled with lesser things?

Finally some time

It hasn't been intentional.

Well, some of it has. But largely unintentional this absence of mine. It's intriguing really. When I go several days without journaling, it feels as if there's this build-up of stuff in my head. Not necessarily a traffic jam; more like a clogged up drain (liquid and still go through...you just want it cleaned up ASAP).

Part of my reservation for getting all this stuff off of my mind is due to the fact that I'm coming to some scary realizations with Glorie and stuff. Maybe it's just this dense head of mine allowing all of this to just now seep in, but I think I understand now that it may not be entirely probable to fulfill this "vision" of mine to reunite our families. As it stands now, our hearts are just in completely different places. We have truly reached an impasse (not a disagreement) and it seems that both sides are firmly set in their ways. Perhaps in the future restoration is a possibility but right now it's terribly unlikely.

Which is still what bothers me a lot. I don't know how all of this can be worth it to them. I understand the whole logic of they were doing what was best for Glow. I don't contest that at all in fact. Rather, the question that keeps being avoided is what if they could still act in Glorie's best interest without sacrificing our families' relationship? If that was a genuine possibility (which it was) why was it not pursued? But oh well. "Let's let the past be the past" seems to be the flavor of the month.

Looking forward, I've been really convicted of late. How much do I really love Jesus anyway? There's a passage we went over in detail yesterday that I love. Matt 7:13-14

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

The compelling thing about this verse is that the "wide" gate is a pretty comprehensive way of describing how many people live life. Leaving college, I can recall a countless number of students who had a beer in one hand, a beer in the other, and have no regrets "living it up." And, in fairness, I would heartily agree that all of that stuff can seem like it's more fun. Therefore, what incentive would anyone have to change the whole hedonist mentality in the first place?

Interestingly, on the other end of this, I have found that traversing this narrow road has often times led to loneliness. There's certainly joy/gratification along the way, but there have been stretches where I've seriously questioned whether or not all of this persevering were worth it. I suppose this is the whole point. The narrow road's destination is Life. But will I choose it?

Digesting all of this, I think I've found a way to summarize it into a nice, succinct challenge. Beautifully, this is a challenge that both Christians and non can investigate mutually. It's summed up simply as this:

Is Jesus Christ worth following?

And for me, He is.

teased

Occasionally someone will call me when I'm at work.

I can talk on the phone and everything while I'm at work, but as it turns out I'm usually away from my phone when someone calls anyway. Today was one of those days. I got a call from an area code I didn't recognize. I googled the area code to see where it was from and, to my surprise, I discovered it was from Tampa.

I started thinking about whom I knew in Tampa (no one). Naturally, this eclectic mind of mine make the connection that perhaps out of nowhere, Ryan would try to call me. The odd thing is, I was thrilled at the notion.

I no longer view Ryan with any sort of disdain or angst. Instead, after writing my emails to him, I've found a greater sense of compassion toward him. The misnomer in this whole ordeal is that Ryan is a Christian. Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they may, but, when asked very specifically whether he was or not, I got a non response. Instead I got alluded to Christian vernacular "I've had to pray much about..." "his faith is growing..." So, I cut the excess. I identified, very clearly, what fruit Christians should bear (Galatians 5). I highlighted how he failed to demonstrate any of the characteristics toward me. In light of this, I asked very simply, "are you a Christian?"

After the non response I had peace taking it for what it is (someone who may not know). I thought about the best way I could respond to someone in that situation and I settled on the truth that perhaps the best thing I could do is simply be available and non-judgmental. I've tried very much to be both of those things and don't know how well received I've been (how can I know if there's no dialogue?).

Which is why I was thrilled at the prospect of him calling. Even if all he did was call to call me names I never even knew existed. Because that would mean that at least I'm on his mind--which equates to a level of curiosity--which will lead to questions.

Which I would love to be available for.

the drastic contrast

there we were.

We had just finished a world record 50 minute break down of the living room set. The living room, by the way, is the college ministry's weekly gathering for people in the midtown area. We were celebrating and high-fiveing each other with our awesome put-everything-back-in-the-truck skills. Not a single face was without a smile.

This was with good reason too. Prior to this momentous occasion (remember, our tetris skills enabled us to finish packing everything up in record setting time), we had a great night of worship. Kristian Stanfill rocked the Biltmore with his raw energy. Brad delivered another message in his unique, smile producing manner. In all, hearts pointed toward God as He blew our minds away. There was reason to be happy tonight.

But then I started heading toward my car. I thought about the drive and was just happy all the way around when it started to happen. The contrast to my night that I'll never quite forget.

I heard screaming. A woman screaming and crying at the same time.
Then I heard a man angrily reprimand the screaming.
The unmistakeable sound of skin hitting skin soon followed.
Then more whimpering.

This memory is so vivid to me. I hope I'm perpetually cognizant of the fact that as wonderful as life can be post relationship with Christ, there is an equally intense feeling of brokenness for some people who feel hopeless.

This Christian faith was always meant to be shared. So why don't I?

Friday Night Thoughts

I'm learning.

It's slow and it's ugly but there's progression. Much of the past week has been spent (what else) thinking through "the situation." I truly desire for all of my close loved ones to learn from this story. I hope it's evident, from what has happened, that people will really do anything to secure what is important to them. If it's money they'll show it. If it's Jesus they'll show it. If it's recovery they'll show it. The actions will be evident of what's important to them; even if they don't measure the cost of attaining it.

I suppose we'll enter a phase where we don't talk with each other. The sentiment being that they have already done everything that they need to in order to set the relationship right. If anything, I am the one holding back the restoration of the families due to my unwillingness to just "let go." I just wish I knew how to let them understand that to let go would be to trivialize the driver of the destruction. There can't be foundational relation building until there is mutual understanding of that truth. Yet in the end I suppose it will reflect poorly on me. No fair.

I still find it shocking that, as Christians, drama can escalate to the level to that of soap operas. If the creed of Christianity is to be taken seriously, there should be perpetually submission to God and each other. In humility, there should be a discovery of the prevailing love that won us over when we yet knew of Christ. The same regard should apply here. With people, drama is common. Yet we, as distinguished children of God, should be able to pierce through the veil of misunderstanding in order to promote unity; not remain distanced due to the inability to lower one's pride. There's no room for self in the kingdom of God.

That said, I have to start being more selfless. I have no right demanding God to make sense of my situation. I have to stop being so self-focused. There is no hurdle that I must jump through that will make this immediately go away. The remedy to the heartache has already come and risen. My joy should be completely proportional to my gratitude for what I have. Each question I have and every emotion I feel is completely legitimate. Yet, are they so significant that they take precedent over the story Christ is telling? It is only if I'm focused on the wrong thing.

I just hope that I'm not the only one trying.

Brokenness

What could be and should be isn't always what is.

That's why we need a Savior.

...breakthrough?

I should be studying right now. I'd rather write.

I've had a hard time balancing different elements of my life lately. On one hand, I'm incredibly excited about the direction of my life. There's a prospective job where I would be doing something that I actually enjoy (helping people + money = helping people with their money!). I'm about to start up another class at Northpoint where I would delve into the New Testament with the same mentors who blew me away with the Old Testament. And, perhaps most important, is that the new season of House is about to start!!

But there's always the other hand. I can't, even if someone paid me a million dollars, stop thinking about "the situation." There has been some progress, but, for the most part, we remain at our impasse. It just doesn't make that much sense to me (the premise our bitter disagreement). They are sorry for the results of what has happened (a break in our relationship) but they aren't sorry for what they did. I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating as to why they hold so firmly onto this belief. I walk away frustrated every single time. The effects, of course, is that my inability to repair/reconcile the situation has been incredibly taxing. I feel some innate responsibility to fix everything even though that is not entirely possible. I have identified, however, that the reason I keep thinking and rethinking everything is because it's all incredibly important to me. I want to be close friends with Glorie and have close relationships with all in her family again. But...it doesn't mean anything.

Needless to say, carrying this around hasn't been fun at all. It's slowly changed me into a malcontent, depressed being. The problem is that that burdened state is precisely what God calls His kids NOT to be. If I am to take this Faith seriously, I must seriously live the creed of Matt 11:28-30.

But I haven't.

Instead, I've been fixated on being "real" and transparent. In some bizarre way, I thought it would be beneficial to be forth with the fact that I was angry at God for not understanding what I was going through. I now realize, with scintillating soberness, that I've been so selfish. My superficial "be joyful always" attitude has been anything but real. And, in all honesty, who am I to demand an explanation from the One who has suffered 10x more than the tiny amount of heartache I've endured?

I'm starting to believe something different. It is certainly appropriate for me to be torn and broken over the dissension that's still so evident in "the situation." HOWEVER, true faith (that honors God) calls for trust; that despite the confusion and uncertainty of the future, the sadness gleams brightly singularly because of the Hope Giver that champions over us all.

There is true and satisfying joy to be had. It's simply a choice that one has to make. And I have been choosing poorly.

Friday Night Thoughts

I can't believe it.

K.P. and Katie are actually getting married. The whole rehearsal tonight seemed kind of surreal. They were always the couple that people made fun of. The ones so overly "lubby-dubby" and who lacked the vernacular to call the other by a name other than "baby." But, alas when I was standing by all of my cousin's side, I watched Katie march jubilantly down the aisle with a smile wider than the moon plastered all over her face.

Obviously the entire experience tonight conjured memories of my Glorie. I remember attending sunday school with Glow in K.P and Katie's class. Then discussing after service how glad we were that we weren't like them. That we didn't want to be all over each other during the church service. How we didn't have to be together literally every second of every minute. How we didn't fight when they did.

I suppose it's only fitting that they're getting married and Glorie and I are on the most precarious of terms.

Urgency

There's a very unpopular perspective of time that, biblically, Christians are to hold on to.

In Luke 12, Jesus tells a parable about a rich man. Said wealthy person took much delight in all of his belongings (which, in fairness, was probably hard-earned on an honest day's wage). However, malcontent, our affluent protagonist set his hearts on accumulating more wealth and just living easy for the rest of his life. Then God calls him foolish and confronts him with the sole thing he had no control of--time.

I've come to believe that this rich man was simply living the american dream. He would work hard and save a massive amount of money so that he could retire and live an easier life. This is, after all, the sentiment that the current culture seems to broadcast to the majority of working, tax-paying americans.

Normally the common spin on this parable would be not to be so fixated on temporary things here on this earth. While there is value to this, it's important to keep in mind the other invaluable lesson here is to always consider that our time is not guaranteed.

This truth isn't particularly profound. It's not even that hidden; the overwhelming majority of people you will encounter would readily agree that tomorrow is not a guarantee. Yet, with this said, why is there disconnect with this truth and the way that we live? In other words, why is it that we know this and don't do anything about it?

Frederick Buechner perhaps says it best: "Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever."

I can say, with certainty, that there is a scintillating difference when you live on the premise of this truth. Every single time I talk with Glorie, I always make every effort to let her know precisely how I feel about her. It doesn't matter whether it creates an awkward moment or a treasured one, I will not be satisfied until she knows.

The reason I'm so fervent about this is due to the fact that I've already tasted what it's like to have time with her taken away from me. While she was sleeping I couldn't talk with her. And when I was told I couldn't talk with her I...couldn't talk with her. Now that I have some access to do so, not only do I lavish all the more with every moment that gets shared again, but I never again take for granted what I had.

Now if I could only approach life as a whole the same way.

I'm not dead

I was originally planning on journaling some thoughts that had been swimming in my head for several days now. The same thoughts that have been going on for awhile.

There has been an update. But, tonight it doesn't seem wise to share.

Therefore, I suppose this is a to be continued.

It's simple really

Faith as it pertains to Christianity all boils down to one simple question:

Is God trustworthy?


My "eureka" moment came during the daily clean cycle of my chewing devices.

Thought Jot

What's on my mind right now? In order of recall:

- I LOVE the show how it's made! It's so cool how they recycle tires!
- Why didn't Myriam call like she said she would? That jerk.
- I wonder what Tita Maricor wants.
- I need to clean my room.
- Will I get a job? All this interviewing and still nothing -_-
- I hope I get to know Kristy better. I hope she knows I don't think she's fake.
- I wonder how my small group is doing.
- I wonder how Summer Gathering went tonight.
- I should probably be praying instead of writing.
- What if I just wrote out my prayer?
- What's Glorie doing..
- I can't believe I lost in madden.
- I want to get on a plane right now.
- I wonder why Politically Jen didn't return my call?
- I don't really know why I'm writing this right now.

I'm in a weird mood.

Friday Night Thoughts

There's been a lot going on.

I just haven't felt much for sharing anything. Well, I have. But I preferred to have it inside my head.

It's a lot. And I carry it much of the time (needlessly). But I'm wired differently. And I think about everything.

One thing that got reiterated to me this week was one of the common perceptions of Christianity today. I read about this previously with the book "unchristian" and tuesday I heard from the author of a book called "they love Jesus but not the church" which, apparently, concluded many of the same things. Sadly, three things are uniform when it comes to non-christian views of christians:

1) They're judgmental.
2) They're arrogant.
3) They're hypocritical.

I thought about it, and I would agree that many, many Christians are this way. I only have to look at my own life for examples.

Time and time again I try to fit people into little boxes that I have made for them. If I perceive someone to be a certain way, I will keen in on certain traits that I expect them to have. Or I may try assuming that they'll only act a certain way. Basically, I will cast expectations on them without even doing proper due diligence. What a stupid thing to do. I would be wise to learn that people are people--and differences among them are to be celebrated.

This goes hand in hand with another awful truth about me--I think I know everything. Often times I will charade with this false sense of security pretending I know everything there is to know about many avenues of life. I don't think it's a stretch to say that I may have a sprinkling of knowledge about some things, but not nearly as much as I think I do. The sad thing is that as a result of this attitude, I instinctively create this "I'm better than you" aura if I sense that you're even slightly less intelligent than me. Another stupid thing to do. It's cliche, but it's so true--truly wise people are the ones who completely understand that they know nothing at all.

The thing that bugs me most about my hypocrisy is that it's awful. I gladly boast about how much I love Jesus (which I really, truly do), but my life doesn't consistently tell the same story. I wish I wanted to pursue God as much as He pursues me. But, there is hope--life change happens in the smallest of increments.


This is not to say that I've never been on the receiving end of these Christian misperceptions either. I need look no further than last year for evidence.

Judgmental ("You're doing nothing but destroying our reputation")
Arrogant ("We're just doing what God wants us to do")
Hypocritical ("You'll always be the son I never had")

Whatever.


All of this simply goes to show just how truly curious God is. As children of God (as we can claim to by the bible), we should be the opposite of all of these things.

We are champions of grace because we have been judged the most impartially (2 Corinthians 5)
We should be among the most humble because we realize there's nothing for us to boast about (Philippians 3)
Our lives should be congruent with our work which should completely eliminate any possibility of hypocrisy (1 Thessalonians 4)

All of this is to point to the universal truth that we, as Christians, should never lose sight of. That God is not some impersonal, foreign God who is impossible to please. That instead our Savior has a face we can know and loves us a ridiculously large amount. And that the intersection of our depravity and His purity is precisely what makes life so fulfilling.

It's time

I think I want to explore life outside of this Christian bubble.

Not a renouncement; rather, a faithful step forward.

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I swear I am the most stubborn creature on this planet.

Lately, I've been on a little cloud of "I'm better than you." It's curious though. This arrogant mindset is not something that I intentionally do. Rather, it's more of a subtle, discovering-how-prideful-I-am-after-the-fact kind of aura.

For instance, I was at a local video game store doing some of my regular game purchasing. Eager to showcase my financial prowess, I never fail to use some sort of combination of coupons to acquire my beloved games for as little as possible.
My cashier, perhaps unfamiliar with my radical money saving methods, had trouble inputting all of my discounts correctly. When she totaled my transaction, I found a mistake. I contested that she didn't do her job. She insisted that she did.

I turned on my vicious, I-am-determined-not-to-lose-an-argument switch. I didn't berate her or anything, but I took this stupid matter of proving that I was right to a personal level. In the end, I got the extra 10% discount, but I really lost the opportunity to demonstrate patience and gentleness.

Saving money is in no way a bad thing. However, in this particular instance it came at the expense of someone else's feelings. Because in my pursuit to get what I wanted, I, by proxy, put someone else down to do so. And what was my ultimate payoff? About $2.13.

I felt convicted immediately upon my drive home. For as all I sing/say/do about how Christian I am, I had a golden opportunity to showcase what Christ is really all about and failed--miserably.

I don't think Jesus would've been glib were He in my situation. As if He would casually say, "Oh you did do all the discounts already? That sounds wonderful. I will go and enjoy my previously purchased wii titles now." That's fake Jesus.

Rather, I think Jesus, in His benevolence, would realize quickly if saving some extra money would be worth the long term payoff of sparking intrigue in the God of the universe. If losing an extra 10% means, at the very least, perhaps just planting a seed for long term curiosity, then the payoff is well worth it. But I didn't think so. Cause I wanted what pleased me.

Humility isn't about valuing yourself or your ideals any less; it's simply being more mindful of others' need more than your own.

Thought Provoking part II

One of the most insightful questions you can ask anyone (or yourself) is simply this:

What is the most important thing in the entire world to you?
Your life will involuntarily flow around your answer to that question.

Thought Provoking

I was watching harold and kumar 2 yesterday.




I didn't really think it was that great of a movie. Plain over the edge comedy if you ask me.

Anyway, there was a scene in the movie where the duo end up going to a brothel. Although I was supposed to be amused by the sex humor, it actually got my mind going in a different direction.

I wonder if Jesus would go to a brothel?

I don't mean that in a cynical, sacrilegious kind of way. But, honestly, would Jesus go to a place like that? The bible tells of countless stories of all the people He hung around with that were looked down upon by society, but seriously would He? He befriended prostitutes, but did He ever go to their work place?

What really started getting my mind going was considering what the reaction would be like if I entered a place like that. Imagine the scandal!

But seriously, if Jesus would very much enter a brothel simply to show those women that there's a better life to be lived, why can't current christians? Why would there be so much backlash if they did so?

Friday Night Thoughts

In the end, I'm finding it easier to smile.

It's incredibly difficult. It's mentally exhausting. But, I'm slowly recovering. I'm eating more now (which is a good thing?). I'm sleeping a little bit better (although when I first lay my head on my pillow, I think about the situation every single night). But, there is light--and it's incredibly bright.

I've stated that it would be so convenient if I could just wrap a big bow around this story and sprinkle some Disney magic to make this thing happily ever after. But, I'm starting to believe more and more, that that bow will never be a reality. This is not in and of itself a bad thing per se; yet it speaks loudly to the reality that everyone, for the large part, is comfortable with the way things stand. I hate where things stand. I want unity. I want communion. I want restoration and clarity. But does anyone else want it?

My parents know how I feel about this, but they long for my heart to turn and accept the reality that the friendship between our families is no more. I wish I knew, with certainty, how they counter party felt. But that hope seems to dissipate daily. I haven't talked to the sister since last year. Likewise with the father. And with the mother it's been more than 6 months. Maybe they feel the same as my parents. Who knows?

One thing I've been holding to is a principle I've learned throughout this whole situation. Many people believe that "everything happens for a reason", but after the fact many resign and sit content never quite knowing what said "reason" really was. That is, if everything happens for a reason, what is the reason?

Since I'm such a big believer in the Christian faith, I naturally turned toward the bible for answers to the question "why?" Now, I'm also a big believer in people being able to make the bible say anything that they want. So, with great trepidation, I rely on the Holy Spirit making simple to me what message God may be trying to communicate to me through the bible as well as devotion to prayer and consultation of wise council. That way, I ensure the greatest level of objectivity before I start saying ridiculous things like "I heard from God and He wants me to do [x]" and thus wildly misrepresenting my Savior.

With that said, I have found the most curious of trends echoed all throughout scripture. Plain and simple is the thought: "We see things on a small scale whereas God works on a scale bigger than we can imagine." Typical Christian adages would go something along of the lines of "When we see the seed, God sees the apple." I like to say (and this is taken from Louie Giglio), when we are staring on our 4x6 or 3x5 snapshots, God is looking at a canvas that's as big as the universe. In a nutshell, God works BIG--and sometimes we fail to keep that in perspective.

Yet that lesson is far too easy. I've found something far more profound just by digging a little deeper. That thought is precisely this: God is completely willing to let His children endure hardship if, on the bigger scale, it means people find salvation.

Joseph had to endure hardship (brothers selling him off?) so that the nation of Egypt might be saved.
Paul and Silas got thrown in jail so that a simple roman guard would find salvation.
Job, aka Mr. Suffering, endured all sorts of calamities so that to prove to all generations the incredible power of faith.
Then there's Jesus. Whose hardship meant that everyone had access to Life forever and ever.

On a small scale, I believe that perhaps I am going through the same thing. I have heard whispers of many close to Ryan finding salvation in Christ due to the closeness of their friendship with the Santos family; a reality that wouldn't have been had things transpired the way that I hoped. And as much as I wish I could say I find joy in that, I can't cause I don't. However, I am smiling. And I do think God is crazy. Yet I can say, with certainty, that I receive God's decision if that ended up being a portion of His greater plan for my life.

With this said, I can't even start to imagine whose life God will touch with the hardship that Glorie has had (and continues to in a sense) endure. There is just a fountain of potential when I view her life. I surely hope I have the honor of being able to continually remind her of the lives that have yet to be touched as a result of her story. I believe that there is beauty yet to be realized and man will it be awesome.

So, I guess after a year I still find myself in a big mess. And, well, that's not that bad of a place to be.