Ok.
I've really had time to simmer down and examine my heart. Here are the results:
- As originally idealized, Kristy was right. The raw truth is that I probably haven't forgiven Glorie's family for what they have done to me.
- I do not want to remain at this place.
- The thing that bugs me the most is the horrible way being a Christian complicates all of this. If they were true in their faith, considering all the christianese that they talked up toward me (you know what that is...the whole "God is doing something bigger that we can't understand" thing) would have validated itself over time. But, in hindsight we discover that they didn't really mean anything they said to me and in fact demonstrated just the opposite.
On the other hand, if I'm as Christian as I profess, then I would have the maturity to look past the situation into the depth of the situation. In other words, can I love so purely that I receive nothing in return (which is exactly the way Christ loved us through the Cross).
- I want peace one way or the other. If they love me and care about me the way that it has been said they do, then I want them to be sorry for hurting someone they care/love. That would be such a simple demonstration of the very love they profess.
On the contrary, if they really like Ryan more than me, then I wish they'd say it to me straight up. Don't give me some BS about how they weren't choosing Ryan but maintaining a reality of Glorie's life. Just be transparent and say that they value him more than me. The ugly truth is still the truth.
- I'm quite comfortable with the fact that this is still very much an issue in my heart. Yes it has been over a year since this jazz has happened, but it's taking me a long time to heal for a reason. Either I'm a slow healer or there is a tremendous amount to heal. People can look down on me all they want for how long I'm taking, but only God knows what it's been like to be in my shoes with all the knives in my back.
- I'm very happy that I have identified this area of life as something that needs attention. It's very humbling to realize the depth of your depravity and only gives insight as to how much saving one really needs. In my case, I need a Savior small enough to hold my hand but big enough to hold the world.
- My prayer is that I would emerge from this ordeal not only able to truly forgive Glorie's family, but more than anything to be a more loving and forgiving person in general. I take this straight from Luke 7
"He who has been forgiven little loves little"
My hope is that this concept would be unmistakably real in my life.
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2 comments:
I want peace one way or the other. If they love me and care about me the way that it has been said they do, then I want them to be sorry for hurting someone they care/love. That would be such a simple demonstration of the very love they profess.
but if you've truly forgiven, you're not requiring anything from anyone. it isnt 'ill forgive IF they say this'. you forgive regardless of their response/actions.
maybe that's what has taken you so long to realize.
You are completely correct. Indeed, conditional forgiveness is hardly forgiveness at all.
It should be noted, however, that the portion of text you quoted was not meant as a strategy for reconciliation; rather, it is a window as to where I'm at right now.
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