What am I thinking about now?

Alas I find myself back in this space.

In light of all this contemplation about thoughts and all this Christian hub bub I still find myself thinking about Glorie. There's this perpetual struggle going on within my head about whether or not I'm simply "hanging on" or whether this is a testament to how much I really valued the relationship. In either case, the reality is that it's still very much on my mind. And my council gives me conflicting advice as to what I should do about it.

This isn't anything new as I've bloviated about this singular topic for so long now, but I'm being completely honest when I say this is what's on my mind. It's not nearly as dominant as it was last year though. The pain isn't nearly as strong either. But, although the intensity has diminished significantly, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still very much there.

It's the times like right now where it still hurts the most. When I consider how she's already long asleep in her bed with nothing in the world able to perturb her slumber. It's in the wake of midnight when I consider most just how much I long to be involved with her life. To know what she simply did today. To hear about what she thinks about. To laugh at the random jokes she finds on websites. To hear what new discovery she has uncovered. But all of this collides violently with the reality that I'm simply not able to enjoy any of this; there's no friendship to build off of.

It hurts pretty badly. Tears still flow consistently down. But what does that matter? There is nothing I can do to rid myself of the "obsessive ex-boyfriend" title that I've now been branded with.

The only thing that helps me get through this is the faith that I have that God, if He is real and if He is who He says He is, is more than aware of my situation. Thankfully, I've had many friends remind me of this perspective. From my small group who have done nothing but supported me faithfully in prayer, to Myriam in her perpetual goal of having me staying focused on the bigger (i.e. Godly) picture, to Kat Kat and her non-judgmental way of simply letting me know that she's there. Indeed, I have been surrounded with people who all point to the God we mutually draw strength from.

Someday it will be my time to draw from this experience to give Glor(ie) to God. I hope I do so with all of my heart.