Monday, March 31, 2008

The joys of college

I think I just failed my Finance test.

I don't really know what it is either. I studied for this one (and that's a rarity in and of itself). This normally wouldn't be a big deal for me, especially considering the frequency with which I fail tests in general, but this is more significant since it puts into serious jeopardy my graduation. My grade in the class overall is in the high 70s so if were I to fail, my grade wouldn't be able to take the hit. It would set up the laborious situation of me having to knock the final out (which is a certain impossibility at this point).

From a bigger perspective, even if I were to fail, it wouldn't be life threatening. I would still graduate (Summer 08 instead of Spring 08) and I would still get a job (I think?). I would still have Jesus too! I'd just have to endure the scorn of my parents from being ashamed that their kid is a failure. But then again, I failed a class in grade school too. So I guess it'd just be deja vu for them?

Aargh. Maybe the problem isn't me? Maybe it's the fact that professor Brown gives incredibly hard tests? No, that would simply be passing the buck. I guess this is just going to show that I don't love finance half as much as I thought that I did.

I guess I'll just go back to Disney and get more lung cancer. That would be magical!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

It happened during my regular perusing of DC's website. He came across the most curious of thoughts in wondering what the origins of rock, paper, scissors were. Dumbfounded, he concluded that his quest for this knowledge would be forever unsatisfied.

Then, as we dueled online, we found ourselves in a heated match. I can't quite put my finger on it either, but something about playing rock, paper, scissors with someone really intensifies my competitive juices. After the first two rounds came up with boring ties, I emerged victorious in the third...only to be brutally defeated each round thereafter.

Then, as I sulked silently, I realized, I just played rock paper scissors with someone through YouTube.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Drive time with the fredster

It's often in my car, driving by myself to no place at all, that I have my most profound contemplations. This morning, for instance, was an ideal example.

Recently I was able to talk with Tita Maricor again. We exchanged small talk for the most part but something felt weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there was a tremendous emptiness that swelled within me when talking with her. Paltry words simply did not do anything to repair the broken kinship that we once shared. Instead, continuing with the analogy, it felt like we were simply talking to each other with nothing but a broken and burned bridge in between the both of us.

This led me to consider what things would be like if I were to all of a sudden show up at their house. Suppose I went today bringing a nice gift or something for Praise. I would like to think that I would be welcomed into the house, but something inside of me doubts. I feel like I'd be let inside simply because it's rude to not be hospitable to guests. However there would be no joy like there was before. No overflow of delight from seeing family again. Most depressing, to me at least, is the very real possibility Glorie couldn't care less if I were in her house.

As I pursued this train of thought, it occurred to me that in order to properly consider this scenario, I must turn it back around on me. Suppose Ryan suddenly showed up at my doorstep. I wonder what my response would be. It's easy to think about all the things that I would or wouldn't do, but if that situation actually happened, I wonder if my actions would reflect my aspirations. Am I willing to truly humble myself and serve him? Would I choose to wash his feet? Do I truly view him with reverence and respect?

I neared my destination and realized how broken I was. I still have a lot of loving left to learn and there is a plethora of impurities that God must be trying to purge out of me. I suppose it would make sense that many aspects of my life are not the way I'd like them to be right now. If change is going to happen, it must start with me. And, well, it's starting.

Monday, March 24, 2008

[Title]

I'm not even going to lie. Sunday was pretty much a roller coaster the whole day through...but there were many observations gained.

It was the first time that I had been scheduled to serve on a holiday. It was special this time because by agreeing to serve on easter sunday, I was also committing to serve on good friday. So, friday came along and wow. The place was absolutely packed. When all was said and done, 5300 people were in the building that night. That's pretty cool.
Sunday morning rolls around and the 9 and 11 AM services were likewise packed. it was cool though. My beautiful friend Samantha had her baptism video mixed into the big video thingy that they made. It was really cool how they made the video. It was mixed into a song called "Lift High" by Eddie Kirkland (which basically speaks of our redemption through Christ). Needless to say it was pretty powerful to witness person after person sharing about how God changed their life and then seeing video of their baptism to affirm that truth. All the while 5000+ souls were rejoicing and celebrating along singing at the top of their lungs to the glory of God. It was rich.

I finished my errands and went home to try and finish up some homework. It was then that I found myself on the internet just browsing away at nothing at all. Up to this point I was pretty good at just staying focused, but out of nowhere I was reminded of Glorie. Soon enough I found myself incredibly depressed. Not so much that I couldn't talk with Glorie or anything of that regard...but this time it was just cause I can't break free from this little cycle of missing her.

I started crying. Then I started crying.

Eventually my tears gave way to anger. I started getting mad at God because of all the pain that I had to go through.
Then I started to get embarrassed. I started wondering how obsessive I was and how much of a shame it was that I still can't "get over" Glorie. Then inner conflict insinuated further. I'm not trying to "get over" anything. I miss one of my dear friends. And to have the situation resolve itself in such a poor fashion is something that bothers me. That is perfectly normal.

Confused, I found myself now weeping heavily. More than anything, I was ashamed at my ill-placed emotion toward God. The same God that I was once smiling infectiously toward just hours before was one that I had just finished yelling at. I repented and just broke down. I just walked God through how confused I was and how frustrating it was for me to have to fight these small battles in my head every single day. It sucked so bad. But a feeling of satisfaction finally captured me. It felt so good simply being real with God.

I just sat in silence for awhile after that. Tears kept rolling down my face but I felt it inappropriate to utter a sound. I sparred with God intellectually countering any sort of comfort that the Holy Spirit tried to offer me. But, thankfully, I was defeated.

I started saying out loud "...but you love me."

"...You still love me."
"...You still love me."
"...You still love me."
"You know how much it hurts."
"You know how pure my intentions are."
"You know how badly I miss her."
"but it's not time for any of that yet...and that's ok."
"I trust You God. Please honor my faith."

And then I stopped crying.


After I blew an incredible amount of mucus from my nose, I saw that my eyes were as crimson as sin. I was the ugliest person that I ever saw; and God couldn't think I was any more beautiful. I started to smile again and it resonated deeply.




Just to be real for a moment, I hesitated wildly before I posted this online. I kept contemplating what the possible reaction from Ryan would be if he were to stumble upon this yet again. I surely don't want to give him any more reason to legitimize his theory of my being pathetic cause I can't "move on", but at the same time that sharing "pathetic" moments like this is probably one of the best ways I can show what I'm going through. So, I just stopped caring what Ryan would think and I just posted.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

One thing that always threw me off about Good Friday was that I could never conclude what was so good about it.

I've heard the argument before. Supposedly this day in history was when Jesus was crucified. In hindsight it's easy to perceive that as good but it was much different back then. For the eleven following Jesus (remember Judas had hung himself by this time), they basically lost their everything. There were no more miracles. There were no more profound teachings. At the very end Jesus prophesied to His disciples and stayed completely silent in the face of the most intense of accusations. Let's be real; there was no celebration when Jesus died. Only sunken memories and, if anything, fear that anyone that followed Jesus would likewise be crucified.

The thing that makes Christianity distinguished is the fact that Jesus rose again. In fact, the entire Faith hinges on that truth. If Jesus didn't rise, He would've merely been another great man to have died. He would've been no greater than any of the previous prophets. But the tomb was empty. And the world hasn't been the same since.

This is what leads me to question why we go on with the moniker good anyway. If any day is good, it is Sunday. That's when the discovery happened that Christ has risen. Furthermore, that news shouldn't be relegated to a plain adjective such as good. It should be great friday/sunday. If I had things my way, it would be called super awesome life-has-never-been-the-same day. But who listens to me anyway?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Compassion

What does it mean to have compassion for someone?

I'm currently reading John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted" and he talks at length about an experience he had. He woke up early in the morning and just sat looking as his wife in the face. Overcome with memories, he simply sat awake looking at her wife with awe. Love swelled as memory upon memory composed a short film right there on his sleeping wife's face. Then, almost immediately, he thought about how God views him the same way. The parallel is that the way that John was looking at his wife sleeping was much the same as the way God views us when we sleep; overcome with memories and simply filled with joy.

The only way I can relate is one particular time Glorie fell asleep on me. We were with many friends in a cabin and we were watching a movie. We shared our little space and cuddled. I, of course, was totally into the movie and was just happy to be with Glorie and with friends. Eventually, I looked at Glorie (to see why she wasn't laughing at one of the funny parts of the movie), and saw that she was sleeping. A fair bit of drool was dripping from her mouth onto my shoulder...and I couldn't have been any more enamored. It was then that I experienced what John Ortberg was talking about. I simply smiled at her and felt so honored simply to have her in my arms. A kiss on the forehead woke her up where she soon returned a kiss on the forehead and bid me good night.

I didn't have a God moment afterward but I see full value now. Compassion extends beyond a mere good feeling. In fact, it delves deep into love. It is cherishing every moment to being completely satisfied as a result. My only hope at this point is to simply gain compassion for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Luke 7:36-50

Sometimes I feel like the woman.
Sometimes I feel like Simon.


Today, I TOTALLY felt like the woman.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Re-li(e)ved






Life-changing.

That's how Mexico was. I am convinced, without a doubt, that the most efficient (and most dramatic) way of changing one's perspective on life is to spend time out of the country. This would be true even if someone were to travel to Dubai and live life most extravagantly. True shift in focus, however, grows most foundationally when one gets to witness firsthand just how surreal things are outside of US borders. I say this even considering the fact that I didn't spend time with poor people by any means.

What's so rich about the trip is that I now have a taste of how BIG God is. It's a conclusion that's far from original. In fact, stating that God is big is pretty much stating the obvious. Yet, sseeing how big God is through a different culture is one of the most pleasurable experiences in life.

Something about the meeting kids who have no family because daddy was too busy doing crack resonated with me.
Something about the way it's evident, cross-culture, that God changes peoples lives (and the smiles that erupt in celebration afterward is truly precious).
Most simply, realizing that God is NOT an American God (and doesn't simply speak english) is profound in and of itself.

The most mind-blowing part, perhaps, is that God actively invites me to be a part of the bigger story. That is, in this mosaic of life, I have been given an open invitation to the best party in the universe; how could you NOT go?

Truly, there is NO ONE like our God.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Game Day

I'm packed and ready to go. However, I don't yet feel prepared.

Lord, please help me. Help me clothe myself in humility. Help me emanate the Love that You give to me. Help me shine brighter than the stars in the sky. Help me be universally approachable just as You were Christ.

Help me be patient. Help me be forgiving. Help me stay focused. Help me remember just Whom it is that I'd dependent upon. Curiously, help me have a blast! Help me take much delight in this opportunity. Use me!!!! Impact lives through me. I want to be BLOWN AWAY.

Thank you for this opportunity. I hope to make You proud.

Yours,
-fg