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I'm not even going to lie. Sunday was pretty much a roller coaster the whole day through...but there were many observations gained.

It was the first time that I had been scheduled to serve on a holiday. It was special this time because by agreeing to serve on easter sunday, I was also committing to serve on good friday. So, friday came along and wow. The place was absolutely packed. When all was said and done, 5300 people were in the building that night. That's pretty cool.
Sunday morning rolls around and the 9 and 11 AM services were likewise packed. it was cool though. My beautiful friend Samantha had her baptism video mixed into the big video thingy that they made. It was really cool how they made the video. It was mixed into a song called "Lift High" by Eddie Kirkland (which basically speaks of our redemption through Christ). Needless to say it was pretty powerful to witness person after person sharing about how God changed their life and then seeing video of their baptism to affirm that truth. All the while 5000+ souls were rejoicing and celebrating along singing at the top of their lungs to the glory of God. It was rich.

I finished my errands and went home to try and finish up some homework. It was then that I found myself on the internet just browsing away at nothing at all. Up to this point I was pretty good at just staying focused, but out of nowhere I was reminded of Glorie. Soon enough I found myself incredibly depressed. Not so much that I couldn't talk with Glorie or anything of that regard...but this time it was just cause I can't break free from this little cycle of missing her.

I started crying. Then I started crying.

Eventually my tears gave way to anger. I started getting mad at God because of all the pain that I had to go through.
Then I started to get embarrassed. I started wondering how obsessive I was and how much of a shame it was that I still can't "get over" Glorie. Then inner conflict insinuated further. I'm not trying to "get over" anything. I miss one of my dear friends. And to have the situation resolve itself in such a poor fashion is something that bothers me. That is perfectly normal.

Confused, I found myself now weeping heavily. More than anything, I was ashamed at my ill-placed emotion toward God. The same God that I was once smiling infectiously toward just hours before was one that I had just finished yelling at. I repented and just broke down. I just walked God through how confused I was and how frustrating it was for me to have to fight these small battles in my head every single day. It sucked so bad. But a feeling of satisfaction finally captured me. It felt so good simply being real with God.

I just sat in silence for awhile after that. Tears kept rolling down my face but I felt it inappropriate to utter a sound. I sparred with God intellectually countering any sort of comfort that the Holy Spirit tried to offer me. But, thankfully, I was defeated.

I started saying out loud "...but you love me."

"...You still love me."
"...You still love me."
"...You still love me."
"You know how much it hurts."
"You know how pure my intentions are."
"You know how badly I miss her."
"but it's not time for any of that yet...and that's ok."
"I trust You God. Please honor my faith."

And then I stopped crying.


After I blew an incredible amount of mucus from my nose, I saw that my eyes were as crimson as sin. I was the ugliest person that I ever saw; and God couldn't think I was any more beautiful. I started to smile again and it resonated deeply.




Just to be real for a moment, I hesitated wildly before I posted this online. I kept contemplating what the possible reaction from Ryan would be if he were to stumble upon this yet again. I surely don't want to give him any more reason to legitimize his theory of my being pathetic cause I can't "move on", but at the same time that sharing "pathetic" moments like this is probably one of the best ways I can show what I'm going through. So, I just stopped caring what Ryan would think and I just posted.