Drive time with the fredster

It's often in my car, driving by myself to no place at all, that I have my most profound contemplations. This morning, for instance, was an ideal example.

Recently I was able to talk with Tita Maricor again. We exchanged small talk for the most part but something felt weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there was a tremendous emptiness that swelled within me when talking with her. Paltry words simply did not do anything to repair the broken kinship that we once shared. Instead, continuing with the analogy, it felt like we were simply talking to each other with nothing but a broken and burned bridge in between the both of us.

This led me to consider what things would be like if I were to all of a sudden show up at their house. Suppose I went today bringing a nice gift or something for Praise. I would like to think that I would be welcomed into the house, but something inside of me doubts. I feel like I'd be let inside simply because it's rude to not be hospitable to guests. However there would be no joy like there was before. No overflow of delight from seeing family again. Most depressing, to me at least, is the very real possibility Glorie couldn't care less if I were in her house.

As I pursued this train of thought, it occurred to me that in order to properly consider this scenario, I must turn it back around on me. Suppose Ryan suddenly showed up at my doorstep. I wonder what my response would be. It's easy to think about all the things that I would or wouldn't do, but if that situation actually happened, I wonder if my actions would reflect my aspirations. Am I willing to truly humble myself and serve him? Would I choose to wash his feet? Do I truly view him with reverence and respect?

I neared my destination and realized how broken I was. I still have a lot of loving left to learn and there is a plethora of impurities that God must be trying to purge out of me. I suppose it would make sense that many aspects of my life are not the way I'd like them to be right now. If change is going to happen, it must start with me. And, well, it's starting.