Friday Afternoon Thoughts

"I do not understand what I do.

For what I want to do, I do not do (but I hate what I do). And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is the [disgusting] sin living in me.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For, I have the desire to do what is good, but [I don't always do it]. For what I do is not the good I want to do.

No. The evil I do not want to do...[that's] what I keep on doing."



Indeed Paul. Indeed.

Family Fallout

I can't remember the last time I spent as much time with my family as I have for the past 48 hours. I love my family (both immediate and extended) but never took it upon myself to simply sit down and talk with them. Things have been different of late.

The reason I spent so much time with my aunts yesterday was not on my own accord. Instead, it was due to the fact that I had to directly address certain issues regarding our family. I stated to every single one of them that I came simply to bring clarity. You see, much drama has been going on of late and I've concluded (from my conversations with many involved in the situation) that the overwhelming majority of this drama has stemmed from misinformation. Put simply, it's been one big mess of he said/she said. I talked with my mom and dad about it this morning, and the cheif response was plain disappointment.

The luxury of having a really great lolo and lola was that they are quintessentially the glue of the family. In times of conflict and times of peace, having a grounded lolo/lola in the family serves as a common denominator. Add to that the fact that the Godoy family has the rich blessing of our lolo and lola and we ended up having a family that was knit together well right from the very start.

Now both of those saints are celebrating kingdom life. In contrast, we're currently experiencing dissenssion. What I've found so ironic is that many of the same annoyances and bitterness is rearing its head in our family in much the same way it did in the drama with Glorie's family. One party feels betrayed by another party. Others want to pretend like nothing has happened and refuses to even acknowledge the fact that they made a mistake. A plethora of spectators want to be active participants in the cast but end up complicating things in the process. Message after message gets misconstrued and the end result is the same--a ridiculous mess.

I've concluded, being witness to these heavy events two times too many, that pride is the ultimate catalyst to ugliness. Beth Moore once said that Pride is the ultimate anti-God attitude and I couldn't agree more. Pride is what makes people refuse to say sorry. Pride is what transforms men of character into prodigal sons. In sum, pride is the sustained train of thought that only dwells upon the line "me first." This, of course, is completely contrary to the Christian teaching of considering others better than yourself. It's unnatural...that's why it's so hard to do.

This is not to say that there isn't a distinction between pride and being passionate. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about your country or your favorite sports team. Rather, when you have "national pride" or "Bulldog pride" what you mean to say is that you are not apologetic about who you are and what you believe. The contrast is simply this: pride doesn't care whom it steps on to achieve what it wants; passion does nothing but care about what it's stepping on.

In any case pride is clearly at work here in my life. There's still lingering pride in some of my family just as there is with Glorie's family. I'm pretty sure there's pride in my life that I haven't even identified yet. So, with all that said, many will ultimately end up asking "if pride is so poisonous how do you get rid of it?" The answer to that is simple.


Love.

That Burning Sensation

First Glorie's family. Now my own.

Trust is truly a fragile thing. It's something that takes a great deal of time to earn, can be destroyed in the blink of an eye, and once broken is never quite the same again. Considering the nature of the beast, it's a wonder to consider why people even trust at all. Must be something about that indescribable feeling you get when you find someone genuine enough that is worthy of that trust (hence being trustworthy).

The events that have transpired tonight brought to light many lessons I have had a hard time learning. People, no matter how wonderful, are flawed. There's just no denying that. As a result of that flaw, at one point or another (regardless of how pure someone is) someone important in your life will fail you. That is, they will do something to violate your trust. This violation can vary from something as seemingly small as being 10 minutes late when they promised they would be on time all the way to dispelling guarded secret of yours to other people (with relationships suffering as a result). As it has happened in my life, I esteemed Glorie's family to the degree where [to me] they could do nothing wrong; they were so Godly and so pure that it was unthinkable to believe that they'd ever make a mistake. As I ended up learning, even people as amazing as Tita Maricor make mistakes. All I had to do was look in my bible to confirm this truth.

The other thing that I've been learning just delves deeper into the nature of people. I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently concerning truth and the various responses to it. The claim that they made was that just cause a person hears truth (and even understands it) doesn't necessarily mean that they will follow it or take action as a result. In other words, if I'm driving on a road that ultimately leads to a dead end, I'm not necessarily going to stop just because I see multiple signs that say DEAD END AHEAD.

I had difficulty accepting this because it didn't make any sense. If you know what to do (and why it's a wise decision), it would only make sense to pursue that "right thing to do" because it's the best decision. All I have to do is look at my own life to see clear examples that, when it's all said and done, the right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do. It's not even the most attractive nor popular thing to do. But it is the right thing to do...and choosing that option despite all the obstacles will often reveal how mature and how wise you really are.

Happy Birthday Jesus

This year more than ever I needed you. This year more than ever you stretched my faith out. This year more than ever I realize how significant your birth really is.

I love you, Savior.

Friday Night Thoughts

It is often those curious times of awkwardness that I find myself questioning myself the most.

Tonight, amid all the drunken revelry at Altobeli's, I sat surveying my surroundings. It was a company dinner yet I felt to affinity to said company. I felt no affinity to the people I was with. Don't get me wrong...I care very deeply for everyone I was with; however, the intrigue was that, were the circumstances left to me, I wouldn't be sharing dinner with any one of these people.

Alcohol truly reveals many of the hidden layers in other people. I experienced both ends of the spectrum tonight. Kelsey with his loud, uncontrolable exhorts. Sam with his reserved contentment. Faces were amber from constricted blood flow. It's no wonder why so many people boast of their greatest stories during drinking sessions.

All this time I wondered how Glorie was doing. I imagined what it would be like were she at my side. I started smiling as I visioned us talking about nothing at all (and my enjoying every minute of it). The reality settled in of course but my joy nonetheless reared itself out of nowhere. And, well, it made tonight more bearable.

The night ended with everyone wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and all the guests thanking my mom for her generosity. Being the only one who didn't have a sip to drink, I drove home. Everone laughed at how obnoxious certain people were and likewise lauded Steph for her rendition of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I quietly listened and simply continued to drive.

And, somewhere along the way, I realized that this is precisely what my family is...and I couldn't be any prouder to be a part of them.

The lesson taught

In my life, I have learned long ago that there are certain instances where doing the right thing will be the unpopular decision. That is, there are moments in life when your actions will garner much attention (regardless of critic or supporter).

It appears as if I'm at one of those junctures at this moment.

Therefore, I consider it all the more important to highlight something very important that I've learned in the past. I've mentioned before about the brilliance of A.W. Tozer in The Pursuit of God. Now would be a choice time to quote him.

"The meek man is not a human mouse afflicted with a sense of his own inferiority. Rather he may be in his moral life as bold as a lion and as strong as Samson; but he has stopped being fooled about himself. He has accepted God's estimate of his own life. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is in the sight of God of more importance than angels. In himself, nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto. He knows well that the world will never see him as God sees him and he has stopped caring. He rests perfectly content to allow God to place His own values."

That's why Jesus invites people to learn from Him (because his yoke is easy and his burden is light). Jesus has peace because He knows who He is and that identity never gets shaken (despite attack after attack from Pharisee and Sadducee). We only achieve the same peace when we cease to pretend. When we conclude our image maintenance and embrace unbridled transparency. It's at that moment that we discover who we are and begin to wonder how that beautifully collides with what God [instead] views us to be. There's peace found there.

The Muse

Nothing particularly noteworthy for me. I would write but what's the point? Nothing changes. Just meaningless words written down.

I thought God was supposed to fill this emptiness?

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

So I survived finals after all.

I think I did well on most of them, but there's one in particular that I am rather concerned about. Nevermind the fact that the class is hard in general, and discount the fact that the teacher gains notoriety for his ridiculous grading, I'm concerned cause this was the first time I've ever been in danger of not getting a C or above in a class if I didn't do well on a final. I've never been this close to the line before...and I think I very well end up going over the edge. That would be tragic.

This year has been difficult in general. Adjusting to Disney life wasn't so bad, but representing Christ in a Christ-less environment was. School has been a kicker ever since last year (and things have only intensified this year). Then lola makes her successful transition into the next life. To say it has been an emotional rollercoaster would be a modest understatement.

Obviously the situation with Glorie has been something else. It's unnerving. I don't think I'm making progress anymore. For one reason or another I can't seem to find closure with the situation. Reading the bible helps sometimes but often times it doesn't. Praying helps but leaves no great satisfaction that lasts. It's as if everything seems like temporary distraction from a gaping hole inside of me; I can do things to take my mind off of it...but sooner or later the reality sinks in--the hole is still there.

Perhaps the biggest issue with me is that I feel like I'm the only one who has urgency to try to reconcile. I feel like everyone (team Santos and team Godoy) is comfortable with the awkward tension and I'm the only one trying to purge it. It's maddening. One thing keeps going through my head...

Before the accident, Glorie and I were friends (and still good friends at that. Now? The mention of my name will not be tolerated.

What do you with that?

It begins

96 hours of death (or as governmental schools have coined 'Finals week') begins today. How shall I fare?


__ Yes

__ No

__ Maybe


(circle one)

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Nothing particular profound to say today. Just an experience I thought I'd share that relates to the quote from the previous post.

I heard that quote before I went down to Orlando to go work at Disney. I never really thought about it until I started working there. Disneyworld seems to be a popular location. I mean, thousands of people go to the parks every single day. It was kind of weird.

Enter the weekend right before easter. I had never been worked so mercilessly in my life. Day after day of 13 hour shifts just became straight up grueling. Then, that easter sunday, I remembered that quote. I was walking through the many backstage areas of Magic Kingdom when I thought I'd explore that thought and let it sink in.

I opened the doors to the main area of Tomorrowland and INSTANTLY I saw well over 5,000 people in front of my attraction alone. As I surveyed the rest of T'land, I realized that I was looking at well over 15,000 people just randomly walking around.

Then it hit me. Each and every one of these people are absolutely priceless to Jesus.

Little kids zoomed past me with their ice cream in hand (and appropriate Mickey ears on). Dads happily put their children on their shoulders and basked in the joyous atmosphere that is Disney. Even the guests with disabilities graced me with the bright smiles on their faces.

After my heart stopped taking it all in, I came to the conclusion that people really are beautiful. Not perfect...but strikingly glamorous all in their own regard.

I didn't complain one time that day.

I just wish I lived every day as impacted as I did Easter Sunday 2007.

A quote worth remembering

"Everybody you lay your eyes on is somebody for whom Christ died." - Andy Stanley

*sigh*

Yeah.

I miss you a lot.

I wonder if you've forgotten me already.

The Target Revelation

I frequent this general merchandise store called Target. On my trip there yesterday, I witnessed the most beautiful thing while in the checkout lane. I just wanted to buy a pack of my beloved Trident gum when this guy and what appeared to be his son swiftly placed ahead of me in the race to form a line behind the current customer. Then the following ensued:

Dad: "Ok can you please pick those light bulbs up and put them on the belt for me?"
Son: *proceeds to perform task and looks up at his father as soon as he finished*
Dad: "Great job! Can you pick up the other one and put it in there?"

The other item by the way, was a big box of heating pads. It was of epic proportions when compared to the size of the small 2-year old son.

Son: *attempting to lift the heavy item and puts it down* "Dad!!! I can't pick it up"
Dad: *looks son straight in the eye* "You can pick it up. You are very strong."
Son: *lifts heavy item and repeats* "Dad I can't do it! I can't do it!" *all the while he was very ably transferring the item from the cart to the belt*
Son: *amazed that he finished the task looks up at his father again*
Dad: "I told you that you were strong."


I stood amazed. It was never a question of whether or not the son was able to perform the task or not. It was all whether or not he could do what his father said he could do.

And he did.

Friday Night Thoughts

Was busy early this afternoon so instead of FAT we have FNT (pronounced fuh-nt).

Apparently this week is faith week for me. It started when I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. Somewhere along the way they said something obvious. "God required Isaac from Abraham..." They continued with how that thought was pertinent in their life but that thought lingered in the back of my head. Why exactly would God require Isaac from Abraham anyway? Is God sadistic? Wouldn't it be unthinkable to require the most precious thing in your most faithful servant's life?

Enter Andy Stanley and Beth Moore. As I continued to dwell upon this little thought in my mind, the more I remembered what I had learned from reading their books. Thought after thought came flooding into my mind as I considered things from Abraham's point of view. And what I've found is, well, beautiful.

Now, the sunday school answer would be "God is just testing your faith." And that statement would be 100% correct. Scripture would even agree with that assessment. The writer of Hebrews states that without faith it's impossible to please God. Said writer even goes to the extent of listing a "hall of fame" for faithful people late in the book. Again, these are all dead-on in terms of what God was testing. However, the challenging (and frightening) thing about it is that it dives much deeper than staying only with faith.

The crux of the matter is the relationship with God.
Let me explain.

Faith is important in that when it's all said and done, you will be forced with a decision; do you believe God is who He says He is and do you believe God can do what He says He can do. It's easy to say yes to those questions when you're on the outside looking in, but if you were in Abraham's shoes would you truly be able to say the same? If you were in Moses' shoes, would you seriously be able to say yes (knowing full and well that yes is a likely ticket to death?). I'm not trying to be morbid, but those questions bear much more significance when you're in the middle of the turbulent waves of the storms of life.

Yet the bigger, overarching issue here is the relationship. None of that faith that God is testing will be present if we don't have a reason to believe God. We won't have a reason to believe God if we don't have a relationship with God.

Think about it.

Abraham could have asked thousands of questions the during the whole process of sacrificing Isaac.
"Why are you doing this? I thought you gave Isaac to me to bless me?"
"This doesn't make any sense to me...don't you hear me praying to you?"
"I know that you're pleased with faith...but why this?"
"This is so hard for me...why? just why?"
You can probably think of a few more. Note that all of those questions are 100% valid and 100% real too.

But what do you think God is more interested in...answering all those questions or having a relationship with Abraham?

God could've answered every legitimate question Abraham had concerning Isaac, but do you think that would REALLY make Abraham love him anymore? If God told Job precisely why he lost everything he had, do you think Job's natural response would be, "Really? I just love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for taking everything in my life! You are teh ROXORZ God!!"

No. Don't be dumb.

God is pleased with faith because it's one of the key indicators of a growing relationship.

What more, God gives endless reasons to believe Him. It starts what He's already done for you, continues with what He keeps doing for you, and builds with what He will do for you. That's why God is so huge on reminding the Isrealites of their past.
"Remember how you got delivered from Egypt? Yeah that was Me."
"Red Sea splitting? Me again."
"Persians being crushed despite you being grossly outnumbered? Oh that's right! Me!"

The examples should start to flow when you pause and reflect in your life. Keep it at the forefront the next time your faith is tested.

Writer's block

So I should be writing my Religious Studies paper right now (that I said I'd start over Thanksgiving break) but instead find myself on here.

Not much to say though...that's the odd thing. Life is more or less the same. I didn't do as poorly on my test as I had previously imagined. Likewise on my other quiz. And on the bright side my auction sold for way more than I thought it would.

Personally I'm just a mess like always. I find that my mind is probably one of the biggest strongholds in my life. I can't remember the specific reference, but the apostle Paul talks about "keeping your thoughts captive." I have yet to discover the secret to this practice of life. My thoughts lead me to terrible places. Yet the few other times they don't, they lead me to wonderful places. Then they just lead to postings like this.

Ha.


I wonder if they miss me the way I miss them.

Pause

Dear reader,

when's the last time you sat and just refelcted in silence?

try it. don't be scurred.


p.s. it's biblical too! (PS 46:10)

Saturday Morning

David Crowder is currently playing on iTunes.

empty glass of v8 fusion sitting confidently on my right.

42 degrees outside.

House is practically empty.

Life is bright.

Dear God,

Wow. What a year thus far huh? I often wonder what it's like for You up there. This american culture officially sets aside one day out of the year to pause and reflect on Your faithfulness to us. It's healthy I suppose, yet I imagine that our culture could be so radically changed if we simply paused and reflected more often. Am I right?

Nonetheless, I'm thankful for so much Lord.

For You honoring my faith and going down to Orlando by myself. Using me to be a light to some of precious people who journeyed through the Walt Disney company along with me. For simply allowing me to be blessed and to be a blessing to others.

For carrying me through school...even up until now. And not allowing me to throw away a rare opportunity (even though I try to waste it away frequently). You are faithful. I am not.

For hearing my prayers time and time again...and responding favorably each and every time.

Specifically thankful for Glorie. How You've used her life to blow my mind away at how truly gigantic You are. Thank You Father for saving my best friend. Even more, thank You for being foundational to her family...as I'm sure they spent many nights sleepless as well. You are faithful.

Thank you again for responding to my cries over Lola. For allowing my memories of her to be saturated with a clear picture of what a child of God looks like. Thank you for her lasting impact on my family.

Thank you for enriching my life with family and friends who truly care about me. As emo as I get, I often believe that no one in the world cared about me save for You and Glorie. Thanks for proving me wrong. You are faithful.


Father, if I may be so bold to ask, instill in me a heart that's grateful. Don't let this prayer be some feel good story for me. Let me live my life loud. Help me be cognisant of the truth that You bless me abundantly. Let me be forever changed as a result.

Please answer this prayer...even if I'm unaware of exactly what I'm asking for. Cause I'm tired of being average.

Thank you again Lord. Thank you for Christ. Thank you Holy Spirit for peace. Thank you Father for your kindness. I am humbled.

Save me from myself. Especially with all the good deals tomorrow. Here I am. Use me.

love,
-him

Glowbug,

I truly miss thee. Really bad.

The challenge

Talking with Myriam yesterday shed light to a question I haven't given much thought to.

In the western, American culture that I live in, why is it that so many are wildly content staying mediocre in their Faith?

What a thought.

Realizing the Remedy

The day started rocky. Work seemed tedious. The concert couldn't get here soon enough. Yet the thing that really let me know that friday night was going to be a night like no other was the conversation I had...

[random homeless guy]: "Aye shawty! How you get 'cho hair like dat?"
[fredsterific]: "easy...just use gel."
[random homeless guy]: "OH YEAH??!"

*random homeless guy starts walking away*


The concert was great. Crowder expectedly rocked the house. He focued mainly on songs from Remedy (expectedly so considering it was the Remedy tour). The crowd was quite expectant. It was as if everyone in the room came in expecting to meet with a humongous God (including Dave and the band) and God gave them a taste of it. Not to mention the room was packed with a lot of well known people. Louie and Shelly Giglio were there...Kristian Stanfill...and a bunch of people from Northpoint who are amazing leaders. It was cool.

However, I saw something that night that completely blew my mind away. You see, from my vantage point, Louie Giglio was about 4 feet in front of me. So, I inevitably saw him as I looked at the stage.

So, during Crowder's performance of You Never Let Go, Louie started raising his hands in solemn worship. I broadened my focus and realized that...EVERYONE was raising their hands in solemn worship (even many of the band). That's when the thought captured me...

This is what heaven will be like.

Spiritual giants like Louie Giglio and David Crowder realized a long time ago that they are completely hopeless without Jesus Christ. That's why their worship is so screamingly authentic. Despite all the good that they're doing in this world, it's all for not without precious Jesus. What more, every single person in that room realized the very same thing. That's why everyone had their eyes closed and their hand lifted to God.

The song intensified as did the worship.

Joy and Pain
Sun and Rain
You're the same
You never let go


Those lyrics stopped being words and ended up being exlamations to God on Friday night in Atlanta...and I haven't been the same since.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

I'm a mess.

There's nothing eloquent about it. I'm just plain ugly when you strip it all away. I try really hard to do what I think I should do (but often I do what I don't wish to do).

I wish to walk humbly.
I wish to be a lover of mercy.
I wish to pursue justice.

Yet I fail...miserably.

I'm so fickle. My emotions jump all over the place. I am extremely judgmental. I jump to conclusions far too easily. I am overly critical of other people. I magnify other people's flaws and never consider my own. I always think I'm right. I mask my insecurities. I get irritated too easily. I never allow peace to overcome me. I falsely boast about my Christianity and often times never to live up to it.

I hurt.
I'm desperate.
I'm broken.

Maybe if I didn't live I would stop hurting everyone.

Discovery

I'm accepted.

That's rich.

Coda

I'm exhausted. I don't really care to detail all the events of the day either. It was just mentally fatiguing.

I ended up greeting Glorie Happy Birthday after all. I didn't call or send a card/gift...that would certainly add layers to the already complex situation. Instead, I just wrote her a simple, one-line email. I wonder whether or not she got it.

In fact, I wonder how she's doing in general. I wish to join her friends and family in celebrating her birthday and life specifically but I suppose I'll just celebrate by myself up here.

So Happy Birthday Glorieanne! You are truly cherished.

Off day today

Instead of working on my project I find myself blogging. Oh well.

Not much to say really. The weekend was pretty good. Someone said something weird to me over the weekend though. I was at a fusion gathering on saturday and we were playing games afterwards. When we finished playing apples to apples this happened:

Person: "Fred are you single?"
Me: "..Yes?"
Person: "That's why." *starts laughing hysterically*
Me: *really feels awkward*

I wonder what that little remark meant. Oh well it was probably nothing (or was it?).

In other news, Glorie's birthday is tomorrow. I was going to give her a gift (despite the situation). Yet, I realized that would've made matter more complex than they need to be. Tomorrow will be interesting indeed.

Blah.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

Nothing too much going on. Schoolwise next week is going to be rather dense. I find it lovely to think about how many instructors try to cram a project/test in right before Thanksgiving. I really hope I pass.

Lifewise, I don't really know where I'm at. I've really been feeding my video game habit of late. Guitar Hero is an incredibly addictive game. Oh and then there's Naruto. Naruto is the most amazing ninja that anyone's ever seen. I'm glad that his video game is filled with festive adventures with which he allows me to partake with him.

Kat Kat's wedding was stellar. Take a look for yourself.
It was really cool. It was the first wedding I've ever attended that had less than a hundred people. I must say that I truly prefer the smaller wedding. I believe that there's been such a huge amount of glam on weddings nowadays. Rightfully so...I mean you only get married once in your life right? However, the tragic thing is that many couples are putting more emphasis on the wedding and not the marriage. There's huge distinction. I think Chris and Kat Kat got it.

It was weird spending so much time with Karina though. I heard talk of people thinking we were together. I surely hope not. I don't hate Karina or anything, but I hope she doesn't believe something is there when nothing is. If I could go back in time, I would've just driven down by myself and eaten the cost of a hotel room by myself. I don't too much care for sending the wrong messages especially at this juncture of my life.

Driving back, I realized just how much I miss Glorie. We were together before Kat Kat and Chris were together. Glorie was even supposed to be Kat Kat's maid of honor. Often times I thought about how Glorie would've done things or what kind of stellar conversations Glorie and I would've had about the wedding. I really miss her.

Then, somewhere in Alabama, I remembered that I'm not even allowed to speak to her.

-_-

I'm spent.

Thankful for all the goals I was able to accomplish today...but still quite spent.

G'nite.

Why I write here

Alas, I find myself ready to completely answer the question. Be advised, dear reader, that this response has been repeatedly prayed over...and I find myself with sweet peace.

I write because it helps me.

That's the truth. Nothing eloquent. I most experience catharsis when I journal. It's surreal even.

I write on this site with a specific focus in mind. I don't treat this speck of internet as if it were a normal blog. Rather, I treat it as my personal journal--online. The result is the interesting dynamic of public access to a private life. So, when one reads my writing, the context must be considered that they're reading MY view of the world in how it affects ME.

Yet the issue remains as to why I do this in the first place. The answer to that is simply this: to help others.

When it's all said and done, my goal is to be able to write about my life with such transparency that anyone reading will feel like they're across the table having coffee with me. If I'm able to establish such intimacy, I'm able to influence. If I'm able to influence, I have potential for impact.

If someone is able to read my writing, identify in some sense with what I'm going through, and then be encouraged to see how I've succeded (and likewise learn from my failure), then I consider that a rich opporunity.

I can attest to the truth of this principle; after all, David's writings about his life are what continually help me with mine.

So, if I continue writing in this and the only soul that benefits as a result is mine, then I'm content. Yet if this small life of mine is able to be a light to others (even if it's just for a moment) then I will consider myself even more successful. However, if an unbeliever identifies precisely with some of the storms that I deal/dealt with, and see just how significant having Christ in your life truly is, and see the fruits of that because of how I reacted to that storm, then the celebration simply won't stop coming from these lips of mine.

That's why I "think."

A thought

I was on Marta yesterday when the thought occurred to me, "this shirt that I have on used to be brown."

It is now a faded, burnt-toast kind of color.

Tragic.

Sunday Night Reflections

I feel like I've been inside of a blender for the past month. School literally makes my head hurt. None of the classes are extremely difficult. Rather, it's just that they seem to be a hindrance more than anything else. I literally have no motivation to continue pressing on save for the fact that I'm so close to the finish line. I probably would have dropped out if I knew my parents wouldn't be absolutely livid if they were aware of such an action. Nevertheless, I try to focus. I'm receiving an education--something that is wholly undervalued in the current American culture. I should be giving thanks and not complaining.

The situation with Glorie seems to just intensify effortlessly. She called me recently. Though the initial moments of our conversation were absolutely blissful, the conversation came with hidden motives. Prefacing her statement with "oh boy...here comes the hard part" she proceeded to say "Do you even think before you write all that stuff online?"

Heart = crushed.

So it seems Glorie has even been consumed by this tornado surrounding this little piece of Internet that I author. The pieces just don't add up all around...

If Glorie has read any of my writing, she would have had to access it herself or it would have had to have been shown to her. If she found it by herself, then I actually see reason to praise. Her finding it by herself would mean that she would be gaining more of her memory (even if it involves me). This is extremely significant because the only way she would have access to my blog is if she were online. Since there's no internet in Wauchula (or cell phone reception), it would only make sense to conclude that she viewed it at home. And, of all the things she chooses to relish in when she's home, she chooses to look me up. That would surely be intriguing.

However, if my writing was simply shown to her (whether through someone's laptop or printed out), then the predicament changes greatly. Remember, the explanations given to me is that the goal is to shield Glorie from all things that would even remotely hinder her progress. That's why the mere mention of my name is unacceptable. Were one to mention my name in front of Glorie, it would have the potential to invoke dormant feelings that she may/may not have for me, and thus confuse Glorie with how she should feel about Ryan. Therefore, one of the rules with visiting Glorie is no speaking of Fred.

Only a select few have access to Glorie. Surely those few are aware of the situation that we're so thoroughly entrenched in. So, what wisdom is there in showing Glorie any of my writing? The most reasonable explanation I can think of is that she would be shown so that she could be aware of what's going on. However, if that were the case, I surely hope that whomever showed Glorie my writings also told Glorie about the context with which those words were written. They should have gone through the laborious task of explaining just how things have gotten to this level. Even go to the extent of telling Glorie how her best friend Myriam was denied the role of support as well. Otherwise, if those steps were not taken, Glorie only receives a partial (and quite biased) report of the truth.

It sucks. I hate talking about this crap. It just gets tiring having to go through this. Yet the more and more I try to focus, the more and more peculiar things happen. Prior to Glorie's phone call, I had not contacted any one of her family for well over 2 months. Then she calls out of nowhere with something as judgmental as saying "Do you even think before you write that stuff online?" Seeds are clearly being planted in her head and it's disturbing.

The cynical response, of course, would be "well why don't you just take your blog down?" That's a good honest question to have. But I will not answer that now. I will wait until perhaps my next entry to properly answer that question. I want to just make sure of one thing...

Wait a second

It's not a bad thing that I care about Glorie!

...but why would so many believe such?

sometimes when it rains it pours.

The Joy (Part V)

The effects of this situation concerning Glorie has been unreal. Due to the nature of the accident, my emotions have been extreme to say the least. Further, add to that the mix of the ensuing drama that lingers needlessly and it really just makes my head hurt. Surprisingly, despite all of this, I've found a very satisfying joy. I haven't been able to completely grasp it, but I've tasted it--and it's rocked my world.

Often times I had to fight personal resentment and bitterness toward Glorie's family and Ryan for what they have done to me and my family. Yet God, in His great mercy, revealed very early on that any bitterness I hold on to will be simply poison in my system. Essentially, it would corrupt my mind and affect my life in general. It would be wise to let it all go.

Yet there's something bigger going on here. I can say, with certainty, that I truly believe God is using this situation (discord and all) to truly shape me.

I have never in my entire life been so dependent on Christ compared to the past few months.
I have never prayed so hard for a singular purpose/person in my life prior to the accident.
I have never had a bigger view of God as I do now; and yet I wouldn't have it were it not for Him showcasing His wonder time and time again through Glorie.
Perhaps most profound...I have never been so expectant of God in my life. Clearly Glorieanne's life has great purpose. I boil over with excitement when I ponder the lives that will be impacted through Glow. In stark contrast, I likewise have full expectation that God will shine light to the drama going on as well.

This is not to say that this process has been painfree. Quite the opposite actually. As critical I've been of Ryan and Glorie's family, all Christ had to do was hold up a mirror to humble me. I've never been so thoroughly disgusted in my life at myself. Here I was blasting people...thoughtlessly questioning motives behind each and every person when deep down inside, though I said all the right words and did all the right things, buried beneath the shine was the fact that I wanted to get close to Glorie. I wanted to be "that guy."

I was selfish.

Yet God, in His continued gentleness, showed me that not all was bad. I truly want the best for Glorie and that wasn't a bad thing. I just needed to purify my thoughts and attitudes. Before I go gallivanting how altruistic I am (and how other people weren't) I failed to consider how desperately I needed rescue from my faults. Jesus was right; why was I complaining about the speck of dust in my brother's eye when I had a plank thoroughly lodged in mine? Naturally, this transforming of my mind took awhile. But I feel peaceful in the place I've found myself.

I can say, without any conviction at all, that I hold nothing against Ryan or Glorie's family. But my belief still remains. This situation that they're predicating for Glorie is going to be an absolute disaster. Everything is real sunny and cloudless right now but when the storm comes, the house is going to be washed away.

No one can speak about this with greater authority than me. When Glorie and I broke up (which is another extreme emotional situation), who was there but her family and friends? Whom did she seek solace from? Her Savior, her family, and her close friends.

Now that Glorie has had this accident, who will be there for her? Her Savior, family and close friends. But it's not being set up that way. It's being manipulated such that Ryan is put on a pedestal in Glorie's life. Almost as if he's been her boyfriend for her entire life. This seems to be so significant, in fact, that Glorie's family feels the need to exile (and consequently rob Glorie of the support that comes from) two of Glow's best friends.

This is precisely the danger that I see so clearly. Ryan is being esteemed so highly that it puts pressure on the both of them to be that love story. Tita Maricor has been quick to gloat and boast of him with all the family who have traveled to visit Glorie. Ryan has relished in his role. But it's only going to make for a more violent disaster in the end.

Suppose Glorie and Ryan continue in this boyfriend/girlfriend predicament. Eventually they will get into a fight (of this, I am completely certain). They'll probably be able to blow right through all the minor fights but inevitably one day will come. One day they will get in one of those foundation-shaking, relationship-breaking fights...and this world that they're building around Glorie will simply shatter.

Glorie barely has a history with Ryan. All of her memories will be of his inflated role in her recovery process. This will lead to tremendous pressure for her to like him just cause everyone else likes him. And Glorie, in her appeasing manner, will bear that burden without letting anyone know.

In fact, she already has. Prior to the accident, she couldn't even be forth with her parents about her feelings about Ryan just cause he charmed them so well (and they were so enamored with him). How much higher will the fall be considering his "prince charming" status with this accident? It's going to be an explosion of epic proportions.

Yet, I have found my joy. I used to cry endlessly at night worried sick about Glorie. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I was unwell. Thankfully, God brought me out of that desert.

I have realized so much now that I take time to reflect. Christians, no matter how mature their spirit may be, still make mistakes...and that's ok. Despite being a counselor and role model to so many, Tita Maricor is not perfect. I foolishly believed that everyone who is a Christian makes perfect decisions at all times. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yet God, in his great mercy, takes our mistakes and turns them into glorious things.

Paul relentlessly killed people...and God turned him into the greatest missionary ever.
Peter shamelessly denied his association with Jesus several times...and God made him the rock God would build his church from.
A woman got caught sleeping around...and God personally said "I don't hold this against you."

This is why Paul is able to say that God works ALL things together for good for those who are in Christ. So, even though the path is headed toward sure destruction (and pain), there must be a greater purpose with which God is mysteriously working.

If this were a movie, this would be the part where I put a big bow on everything. All of this drama would be straightened out and there would be no lasting effects as a result.

But this isn't a movie.

I still think about Glorie for hours upon the day and wonder just what is going through her head. I still miss Glorie and all her family dearly. I wonder when I'm finally going to get a subpoena from Ryan's team of lawyers. I still have to wilfully choose not to retain any impure thoughts in my head toward Ryan. It's still really hard and still really distracting.

But then again I realize that I'm but a mere brush stroke in the enormous mosaic that God is creating...and I start to smile.

No, I don't have Glorie anymore...but I do have Christ.

And I'm loving every minute of it.

The Aftermath (Part IV)

Considering the decisions that have been made (and the ramifications of such), we find ourselves at a rather precarious situation. You'll get different stories from different people. Glorie's family will probably maintain the position of "we're still friends" if one were to ask them what the relationship status is between our families. My family, well my parents specifically, would probably say likewise sentiments. Yet, this fake, rehearsed response is far from truthful.

My parents finally ended up talking with Tita Maricor a few weeks ago. They didn't really disclose many specific details regarding their conversation with me but a few things really stood out to me.

1) Though my mom and dad both spoke individually to Tita Maricor, they both cried afterwards. My parents love Glorie and her family very, very much. I imagine the conversation was extremely painful to them.

2) Somewhere in the conversation, Tita Maricor told my mom specifically that Ryan and Glorie had been going out for one week prior to Glorie's accident. This is a complete and utter LIE. If they were going out, there are two scenarios (both of which I've personally witnessed) that should never have occurred...

- During one of my stays in the hospital (it was that sunday), many people from Glorie's church went to go visit her. One of those was a gentleman by the name of Brother Tom (I believe he's the college pastor or something at FBCCF). Anyway, Brother Tom went on to say the following:

[to me] "What's your relationship to Glorie?"
"Me? I'm simply another one of her friends."
[to Ryan] "What is your relationship then?"
"I'm her friend too."

So, if Ryan truly had been going out with Glorie for a week prior to the accident, he no doubt would be ashamed of that fact would he? Therefore, it would be appropriate for him to tell the truth here to Brother Tom and say "I'm her boyfriend."

- On the other hand, if Glorie and Ryan were truly going out, then surely she would have told someone in her family. Yet, for the entirety of my time down there, there was never a mention of that fact. Everyone confirmed that they definitely got really close, but no one confirmed that they were in fact officially "boyfriend/girlfriend."

Supplement that with the fact that to literally every guest that came to visit Glorie, Tita Maricor and Tito Henry introduced Ryan merely as Glorie's friend. It wasn't until Wauchula that he gained that title "Glorie's boyfriend." Further, I personally asked Tita Maricor if anything was going on between Glorie and Ryan (remember...this is where she maintains that "Glorie doesn't choose me and Glorie doesn't choose Ryan."), and she maintained that there was nothing going on.

So there you have it. Either Tita Maricor is lying and told a lie straight up to me (and subsequently my mom), or Ryan is lying and lied needlessly to a pastor of a church. Either one of those things are equally likely to be true...or the fact of the matter is that Glorie and Ryan were never together in the first place--that was only predicated ever since this Ryan was confirmed to be "of the Lord." It's ridiculous all the way around.

3) The end result of my parents' conversation with Tita Maricor ended up in a stern command to not have any contact with me by any means. In their opinion, if Glorie's family has the audacity to make such a ludicrous request to me, then it's certainly not out of the question to ask likewise. Don't know about that but what can I do?


That's where things are. There are a plethora of relationships that have been able to develop and grow as a result of the relationship Glorie and I had. All of these relationships were built, brick-by-brick, with trust and time. It took over 4 years to cultivate these beautiful bonds. Yet when you look at those kinships now, you all you find are the shattered remnants of willful destruction. Every single relationship has been demolished...and for what? To pursue and sustain Glorie and Ryan's romance? What a foolish trade.

This result is precisely why it's so hard for me to believe the claims that Tita Maricor has tried to maintain during this whole situation. She claims that the relationship between our families are so pure that they transcend my relationship with Glorie. Further, she tries to maintain the view that she still views me as her "anak."

Yet the actions are completely contradictory to these mere words.

If I were truly her son, I would be treated differently. Ryan's threats to call the police or pursue litigation against me would be immediately quelled--parents wouldn't let something reach that level needlessly. But they don't do anything about it. Instead of reprimanding Ryan for such a thoughtless decision, they accuse me through email of things I have never done. If I am a son to them, then I'm surely not valued highly.

If our families' relationships were bigger than my relation with Glorie, then all the support from my family wouldn't be filtered out. Support as simple as a DVD (where people cried and purposely prayed over Glorie to specifically bring her encouragement) would not be taken away. And for what? "We don't want Glorie to get confused with how she should feel about Ryan." Again, exchanging support for romance. My mom probably hit that nail on the head.

"Mare, did you know that my son made that DVD not just for Glorie, but for your whole family? That is your last memory of mommy. Where did you put it?"
"..... it's with Ryan."


It's been really hard being in the middle of this entire storm. I've wanted to sustain everything that was once so beautiful to everyone; but now it's all been burned. What's most painful, perhaps, is that the whole time I was trying to hold this structure up, the people who were supposed to be family to me inserted knife after knife into my back. Not content with keeping it at that, they exacerbate the predicament by putting salt in the wounds.

"We're doing what God wants us to do. You're only going to make it harder on yourself to heal by destroying our reputations."

Oh, and besides dealing with that, take into consideration that my Grandmother was literally dying all this time. Then you get a taste of what my life has been like for the past 2 months.


Lastly, Tita Maricor told me (the last time that we talked), that she wanted me to shine light where she may not have been looking before. I've been trying to do that the entire time. The entire 4+ years I was with Glorie, our relationship never stood in the way of ANY of her other friendships. Not only has her relationship with Ryan contributed to the destruction of my family's relationship with her, but it's also stood in the way of Myriam's (one of her most dear friend) relationship with her as well.

Glorie once told my mom specifically, "I value your family so much Tita Cherry. I'm still not sure how I feel about Ryan...but I know that I don't want things between me and him to get in the way between both of our families. It just wouldn't be worth it."

The Avalanche (Part III)

The letter that Tita Maricor sent was the first step in this downward spiral. As I've been told, the letter was supposed to be a response to my email to them in the first place. Yet the thing is, there are several things that just don't make any sense when you take all things into consideration. Talking with Tita Maricor over the phone at length about this didn't clear up anything either. Just more vague answers.

Before I left Florida, I talked alone with Tita Maricor. She specifically said that, as it stands between Glorie, me, and Ryan, nothing was decided. The situation was neutral. "Glorie doesn't choose you and Glorie doesn't choose Ryan. We want to keep it that way."

Yet in the month following Glorie's accident, Ryan was able to gain increased time with Glorie's family. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that...after all he does care for Glorie and her family too. However, I started to question the true motive behind the actions. When you break it all down, Ryan's link to Glorie is romantic (just as my link with Glorie is romantic). Therefore, it is understandable why one would believe that Ryan may or may not have 100% pure intentions in the situation. It's plausible that a very small part of the reasons why Ryan was so flagrantly present in the recovery process was due to the fact that he wanted to be "that guy" who was there for her since day 1. Again, the link would be romantic.

Seeing this as potential danger, I tried desperately to contact Tita Maricor about it. I couldn't get a hold of them...so I wrote them an email. I simply put how potentially dangerous the situation would be if he (or I for that matter) were to leverage the situation for the benefit of romance. After all, when you strip it all away, Glorie will only have her God and her family to depend on when it's all said and done. Glorie lived for 20 years without Ryan and for 16 years without me. Both Ryan and I, due to the fact that we're linked romantically to Glorie, should automatically be placed at the bottom of the priority chain. It is my strong belief that a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, in the context of a fragile situation such as Glorie's, should be the last thing that is preserved.


Yet the exact opposite happened.


As it turned out, Glorie's family never allowed her the freedom of progressing naturally on her own. The situation was predicated so that, should Glorie regain consciousness again, Ryan would be one of the first faces that she sees.

This of course would be contrary to Tita Maricor's statement to me about everything staying neutral. Even in that letter she sent to me, she maintained the fact that they tried to keep it neutral but I can hardly believe that to be the case when you force Ryan down her throat. I asked her about it on when we finally talked on the phone.

"You say you wanted Glorie to naturally remember me. You wanted Glorie to naturally have memories of me and not be forced into them...so why not do the same for Ryan?"

"Because at that time we knew that Ryan is of the Lord."

"How did you know?"

"We just knew."


We just knew. What exactly do you say to that? What does that mean? I asked further for reasons why it's necessary to uphold Ryan as the prince to princess Glorie all this time. I received the following generic responses:

- "He provides support for her that Glorie can't get from us."

This is a true statement that I would heartily agree with. The problem is that it's a statement that's true for everyone. Glorie receives support from Myriam that she can't receive from her family. Glorie receives support from Tita Belle that she can't receive from her family. Glorie receives support from Pastor Cloer that she can't receive from her family. It's the truth.

- "His availability."

This is perhaps the weakest reason given to me. I asked Tita Maricor straight up about this very issue. Of all the people who would no doubt be willing to offer their services to help Glorie's family during their time of need, why would she voluntarily choose to take Ryan up on his offer over everyone else?

The response?
"With Ryan I don't have to worry."

"What does that mean?"

"You're right when you say that anyone else would be willing to drive me back and forth and everything. But with everyone else, I would have to worry about their family and if they have to go to work the next day and their car and everything. With Ryan I don't have to worry about any of those things."

"That doesn't make any sense. You're basically telling me that Ryan is Glorie's boyfriend just cause he has a job that allows him to take off whenever he wants."

"No, it's just one of the ways he's able to play his unique role."

"So what if Omar were available like Ryan was...would you take his offer to drive you around? What if Kara were available like Ryan was...would you take her offe-"

"I don't like those what ifs that you're telling. Those questions just make it very confusing and are only from the enemy."


Don't really know what to say after that. She went from completely non-defensive toward me to absolutely defensive within a matter of 1 sentence. I suppose she does have a point though. Yet that doesn't make my questions any less valid. They are legitimate questions and are relevant to my situation. They're still left unanswered.


There wasn't really any further reasoning given. Just those two things.


Last, and perhaps most ridiculous, is this ensuing drama about this blog of mine. When Kat Kat and Raychill when down to see Glorie, they got to meet Ryan. That's not significant in and of itself, but one thing I do want to point out is that it was told to me how Ryan gladly boasted upon the fact that, and I quote: "there's nothing but the Holy Spirit inside of me."

oh?

Galatians 5. Anyone who has the fruits of the spirit has love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.


Apparently this journal of mine when you do a bit of searching. I'm not exactly sure what to think about that. I've done searching for my blog (using the speicific matters with which my journal was apparently found) and have had nothing but mixed results.

Anyway, apparently it really pissed Ryan off to know that I wrote about him and Glorie. I'm still unsure as to what the big problem is. I asked Tita Maricor to prove to me where I was lying or making anything up in any of my writing. She said that I never lied about anything--it's just that I'm stepping over the lines when I talk about other people.

What lines do I cross? I write down my thoughts. When I think about people, I think about them on a name-by-name basis. Further, I try my hardest not to distort the truth such that I exaggerrate anything. Further, I don't advertise this small speck of internet to a single person. Someone must voluntarily choose to read my writing for them to be affected by any means.

In any case, apparently Ryan took great issue with what I said. He got so mad, in fact, that he called the police on me. This is significant in that it contradicts directly with his proud comment of being 100% Holy Spirit filled. If Ryan has a problem against me, is he not supposed to confront me directly about it? Then, if I still don't listen, is he not supposed to confront me with only two or three people (to further validate his qualm against me)? If the problem persists, is he not supposed to appeal to the church as a last resort? Surely someone who is, again.."there's nothing but the Holy Spirit inside of me", would know that Jesus gives these very instructions in Matthew 18.

Sarcasm aside, what is accomplished by consulting the police in this matter? Why must Ryan hide behind Tita Maricor about it? I've been completely accessible this entire time and can say with certainty that I would have entertained a call/email/letter if he had that great of an issue with my writing. But he didn't. He chose to further intensify the situation by involving law enforcement. What more, he even went to the extent of calling an attorney about it.

Oh and Tita Maricor doesn't defend me at all. When we were able to talk on the phone (which was no doubt motivated by the fact that she wanted an answer as to if I was going to take my blog down or not), I asked her for a week to pray about whether or not I should take it down. She agreed but she could not say the same for Ryan. Here are some of her own words...

"Anak, I'm willing to give you a week to pray but I don't know if Ryan is. He tells me that he talks almost everyday with an attorney regarding it. So please...if you get a feeling...just take it down."

Could you not have any more of a red flag? Is Ryan unable to yield even for the respect of prayer? What does one make of that?

Life Interrupted--Lola?

It's been almost one week since it happened. I'll never forget it.

The plan was for my dad and I to head over to her house at 7:00 in the morning. I woke up early, but didn't want to go. I much preferred getting the extra two hours of sleep. Later that morning, when I got back in my room from my usual morning shower, I saw the 4 missed calls from my dad (who had gone to her house without me). I knew instantly.

When my mom and I arrived, there were already several people at the house (who likewise heard what had happened). I went immediately into her room. There she was. Air was no longer circulating in and out of her body. She didn't open her eyes and smile to see that I was in front of her. She didn't clutch my hand to show me how strong she still was despite her condition. It was just her in her bed--motionless.

At this point tears were already freely flowing from my eyes. I surveyed the room and noticed how I wasn't the only one crying. My ate was taking it especially hard. It was uncomfortable for all of us. "Mommy" Lydia was not here with us. It was shock at its most extreme.

I went to the side of her bed like I always did. I put my head on the bed and looked up at her like I always did. I did this so many times over the past month while she was sleeping. Simply observe my lola. Yet this time, she wasn't breathing. Reality crashed on me with merciless heaviness. My crying turned to uncontrolable weeping. I could not believe it. This ensued for the next several minutes.



Then I decided to look back at my lola...and saw it.

I studied her face again and started to smile. Her face no longer carried the grimace that I had grown accustomed to seeing. She had peace written all over her. The profound realization finally came to me that she was no longer carrying the suffering that accompanies cancer. She had been rescued!

I had been praying so long for my dear lola. Somehow, if it were at all possible, I wanted God to alleviate the pain that my grandmother was enduring. I prayed this prayer consistently for the past month. It finally got answered. My mind was blown. I didn't cry again for the rest of the day.


Now, even though it's still painful to consider that I'll no longer be able to see my lola again (for now at least), I find myself more and more thankful for having her in my life. Above all, she was the definition of faith for me. She was the living proof that Christ never fails to satisfy. She believed it with such tenacity, in fact, that it bled into other areas of her life.

This was perhaps most evident (and most amplified) during her last moments here on earth. I don't know what cancer is like, but ever since she was diagnosed with it, she never once complained about her situation. Even during the initial after stages of chemotherapy (where things become especially painful), Lola never groused about her circumstance. Just the opposite happened in fact. At the end of the day, when all of her hair had to be shaved off because of the chemo, she cried a little bit and praised God. This spirit continued even as the cancer continued to spread. Exhausted from battling all the time, the few times my lola chose to speak, it was never complaint; instead it was always praise for Whom it was she was confident her life was in.

This observation about my lola was evident to everyone. During her memorial, story after story was told about how lola was able to impact so many different lives. Lola's love for Christ naturally flowed over to her love for other people. Everyone reminisced about the memories they had with lola. Lola wrote everyone a kind note or letter. She always sang a beautiful tune to others. She shared her life experiences with others still. Simply put, she impacted other peoples lives.

The memorial certainly showed it. Even though her memorial was held at a fairly sizeable place, the building was overflowing with people. It was so full, in fact, that some people didn't even get to stay inside the building during the memorial. Yet that was ok with them...just being there in the moment was plenty enough. That speaks volumes for the woman that my lola was.

Now, I can't help but smile when I consider my lola's situation. Half of the joy that I have is that I can say with absolute certainty that my lola is celebrating with my lolo in heaven right now. I imagine the joy she had when she saw her 2nd daughter who had also gone ahead of her. Most of all, I delight in the fact that all the pain she endured in this whisper of life must be such an insignificant memory by now. I'm happy.





I miss you lola. Your smile speaks of all the joy that Christ has placed in your heart. You make even plain pictures like this so uniquely beautiful.

Thank you for being an example and source of inspiration for me. It is my desire to impact other people's lives much the same way you did. Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to cook half as well as you too.

I love you. I can't wait to see you again.

The Context (Part II)

The following are the circumstances that has led to the current situation...

Before the Accident

- Glorie and I broke up mutually. The reason, as agreed upon by the both of us, was that our lives simply lacked the individual focus on Christ that it used to have. We both concluded that our perpetual fighting was one of the symptoms of such. We still loved each other, but we forgot all about the One loving us in the first place. In agreement, we both felt that it would be wise to choose this path for our betterment.

- God did His thing in both of our lives. No doubt.

- When Ryan entered the picture (something with which I'm still uncertain), I was completely unaware. Glorie never gave so much as even a hint of him being in her life whenever we spoke. I found this strange. The closest example I have with this would be Alicia...but I told Glorie about Alicia from the very start.

- Praise's grad party was a night to remember. Not only cause Praise, well, graduated...but because of the strange way Glorie acted that night. I eventually found out more about Ryan that night, but it had to come from straight observation. Glorie, nor anyone else in her family for that matter, was ever forward to me about him. Needless to say, Glorie hurt me in ways that I never thought she would that night.

Oh, and no one said I'm sorry to me. I guess no one was sorry. Perhaps everyone saw it coming except me.

- I ended up forgiving Glorie even after what she did to me. We talked again. We became friends again. We become closer (somewhat). One time it got to the point where she called specifically asking me to pray for her and her family due to the pain that Ryan was causing them.

At this point, I'm utterly confused...but I pray with her. She thanks me. It feels natural again--just like it did when we first started. Nothing forced...just two people trying to follow this Christ who has impacted us.

- I maintained good communication with Tita Maricor specifically. She became one of my better friends. I've maintained that throughout the past 4 years I've been a Christian, Tita Maricor has been one of my "Paul"s. Essentially, that means she has had a role in my life such that her wisdom and spiritual know-how has been an example for me.

Anyway, I remember talking with her one night about Glorie. I tried to gather as much info as I could, but not to much avail. In the end she said something particularly precious to me...

"I'll always believe that you're the one for my daughter. I won't stop believing that until I see her on her wedding day with someone else."


After the accident

- Tita Maricor calls and says that before I consider going down to see Glorie, I should be aware that Ryan was there. No problem.

- The few days I was there, I got to be really close to Tita Edna and her family. It was really cool. I truly felt like family.

- Tita Maricor once introduced me as her son to one of the hospital people. That was a moment for me.

- I got to spend almost 45 mins by myself with Glorie when I went down there. I sang to her. I cried. This was also precious to me.

- Before I left, I spoke with Tita Maricor one last time. I questioned why Ryan became so increasingly involved with everyday tasks that she could run herself. I felt major jealousy. In my time with the Lord, it was revealed to me that I have no room to be jealous. For all I know, God is using their [Ryan and Tita Maricor's] time together for spiritual betterment (much in the same way my time with her helped mold my spirit). I told her that.

She assured me that God is the one orchestrating everything in this story. She likened to compare the situation to a play...with everyone having separate roles and God being the ultimate mastermind behind it all (by the way, this is an analogy that I would ultimately end up really, really disapprove of). She said how I have my role and Ryan has his. "Fair enough" I thought.

However she said one more thing. She said that as it pertains to me and Ryan, we are both neutral. Glorie doesn't choose Ryan. Glorie doesn't choose me. They [Tita Maricor and Tito Henry] wanted to keep it that way.

- I go back home. I maintain consistent communication with both Tita Edna and Tita Maricor. I delight in all the small details that I hear about Glorie's progress. I pass them along to all the saints in the GA. They take equal delight. God really is amazing.

- I make plans to go back to Florida. I discuss things with Tita Maricor about what I was looking at if I did go. She responds by saying that she wanted a week to see how their schedules were going to look like (Wauchula is 2 hours away after all). I happily oblige.

Before I get off the phone with her I tell her something very specific...

"Tita Maricor, I want you to know that I want to go down there even if it means I won't see Glorie. If I can go simply to be an encouragement to others then I will gladly do so. If I can go even to just help drive back and forth from Orlando to Wauchula, then I'll go. I just want you to know that it would help me knowing that I was physically closer to Glorieanne."

Her response?

"Oh anak! You are so kind. I will definitely keep it in mind. As for right now, I just want to see what our schedules will be like."

- That conversation happened July 28th. I wouldn't have contact again with anyone from Glorie's family again until August 16th.

The Preface (Part I)

Well, it's been a week and two days since Tita Maricor and I talked. I asked for a week to pray about what to do with my journal, and, still haven't landed on a decision. I'm heavily leaning toward just keeping everything up though. Half of the pressure that I felt on myself was due to the fact that she said that Ryan had been in constant contact with an attorney (and thus didn't know if I'd have even a week to pray). It's a true head scratcher.

Anyway, I don't even feel comfortable writing in this thing anymore. I feel like every word I write will be scrutinized at some point in time by somebody. Someone will get offended and all this drama will repeat.

I'm going to try again though. I haven't allowed for a release from this scenario anyway. So, for the next few entries, I will hopefully be able to write out my thoughts. Hopefully it'll be like normal.

Remedy

It's been a good six days since this album has been playing in my CD player. Overall, it's a wonderful album--Crowder meeting the bar that he has set for himself musically. That said, the album is tragically way too short.


Remedy is David Crowder* Band's 4th full length album (don't even tell me that B Collision and Sunsets & Sushi were albums). As such, Mr. Crowder has established himself as one of the most distinguishable song writers in the Christian spectrum today. Thus the expectations for Remedy were high and fortunately for all of us he meets them.

Musically speaking, the album is a delight. The songs range very well. "You never let go" and "Surely we can change" emanate a really serene tone. Brightly contrasting we have songs like "We won't be quiet" and "...Neverending..." with their, how shall we say, more upbeat personalities. "Rain Down" was kind of a head scratcher for me. David did the song already on a previous album but felt it worthy to do it again here. Head scratching material indeed. "Oh for a thousand tongues to sing" shows why Crowder is so great at rearranging hymns. The little refrain he added was stellar also. "Can you feel it?" is no better example of the maturity in David Crowder Band. It's quite edgy yet remains profoundly simple. It's really great. "Remedy", perhaps my favorite song on the album, simply penetrates the heart.

All of these personalities are grouped together for Remedy, and you have a really great album. The sad thing is that it's much too short. As is, the album is somewhere in the area of 45 mins. Take "Rain Down" away and you have basically 40 mins. Although the album is a delight, it's also kind of like a tease. I would've gladly waited another 6 months for another album as long as A Collision but I'm not complaining. :)

Last, one thing I wanted to draw attention to was the song writing of Dave. If you sit and listen to a lot of the words on the various songs, many will strike the most harmonious chords in your heart. It's as if Crowder, in full circle, has a compliation of songs that are appropriate for most walks in life.
Most profound, perhaps, is surely we can change. The fact that we, as Holy Spirit-powered ambassadors, have the ability to be something to someone.

To those in fear, we can be brave.
To those in pain, we can be serene.
And so on.


Maybe this is what Crowder is getting at the whole time. The fact that we can be (and should be) the Remedy.

Interesting.

Unsettled

life update

So much to say. Where to begin?

- It's been 2 weeks since the phone call. Since then I've received a supplementary email regarding this situation. The email was quite strange to me; accusing me further of things I had no idea I was doing. The email also required a response from me. I called her back the next day to talk about what kind of response would be required of me. That was more than a week ago.

I have nowhere left to go but wait from here. If she wants to talk to me, she will. If anything, perhaps the expedited recovery of the G is consuming her time. If so, then I'll gladly be put on the side. However, I have peace in my decision that, at least until now, this will continue to be my catharsis.

- Lola is absolutely incredible. Despite the fact that this cancer finds ways to rear its hideous head in new, confounding ways on a daily basis, Lola's faith continues to shine brighter and brighter.

Take yesterday for example. Here she is, clearly drained of energy, yet she still finds ways to respond to all of our voices. She still persists to show everyone how strong she truly is. Talking is difficult for her, but when she does talk, it's easy to get blown away.

If I were in the same situation, I would be kicking and complaining and screaming.
Lola on the other hand? She gently sings the words "Why should I be discouraged?" form the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow"

That's confidence. When, amidst the pain and grief, your soul finds solace in the fact that the Maker of the universe is paying attention to your life. The song that lola picked could not be any more precise. A song that beautifully melodies the fact that the great God, who singlehandedly sustains all life, cares deeply about us; the thought that God takes complete care of a simple bird--down to the details of what they eat in the morning and night. If such, how much more does he take care of us (who are of much greater value to God)?

I always pray for God to alleviate her pain. The grimace on her face speaks loudly of the pain she perpetually endures. If Christ, in sweet mercy, would allow for it to be easier it would mean so much.

- School needs to be over soon. Classes aren't too good but they're aren't that bad either. I do have two tests (on the same day no less) next thursday. Get excited.

- CallieAnn finally got back in touch with me. She seems to be taking her storm rather hard. I dearly hope that she would stand on her faith. I want to talk with her. I miss our conversations. Alas, I will still wait patiently. She will contact me when she's ready.

- Churchwise, things are really going great right now. Louie Giglio is finishing his two-part series this sunday. I would go on about how amazing his talk was last sunday, but it would be an injustice to both Louie and God. Essentially this is what was stressed...

The Cross, in all walks of life, is evidence of God's unique individualized care for us. We may not always understand it at first, but if you look at the cross long enough (as well as embrace the nail marks long enough), the Answer will suddenly shine clearly.

Another Eric joined our small group. He's from Ft. Lauderdale. After eating Waffle House with him last thursday, all I have to say is get excited.

- I'm broke.

- I talked with some Jehovah's Witnesses on Sunday. They wanted to argue whether or not Natural Disasters came from God. They said they'd come back this sunday. I really hope so; I'd love to discuss the mystery of the trinity with them.

- I also talked with an "up-and-coming" rapper on my school campus last week. I took one of his CDs. He proceeded to ask for a "donation" of $2 bucks for the CD. I gave back the CD. Then our conversations went something along the lines of...

"Why you don't want to support me man?"
"I am supporting you. You'll get more money from someone else who will like your CD more than me."
"Naw man why don't you want to support me?"
"I am...here's your CD back."

This continued for the next 10 minutes...

Eventually he finally gave up on me. I tried to shake his hand and wished him only the best. He said "why would I shake your hand? You don't want to support me. Your type of people never buy my music. I just thought you would be different."

I smiled and walked away. Of all things he chose to play the race card as his trump. Ironically, he probably felt sorry for me.

- I guess that's it for now. My wrist hurts from typing.

1 week later

It's been a week since it happened.

I've discussed the situation with my wise council. Still no definitive answer. Many feel I should completely abandon the situation and just stay out (as apparently so clearly desired by other people). Others feel that I should keep doing what I'm doing and not change a thing.

Personally, I've found very little peace either way. I do know that this week of praying has led to much grief. I also know that I don't quite have peace taking this thing down either. I seek clarity and believe that I simply need more time.


In any case, I wish to leave the following reflection of mine...



"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matt 11:28-30


Isn't that verse so amazing? Jesus Himself...welcoming us to lighten our load.

Do not be fooled, however. Jesus is not inviting people to some sort of a gimmick. It's not as if He's a used car salesman begging you to trade in your car for a newer or "better" one. No...not quite. Jesus instead is inviting us to learn from His way of living.

The amazing dynamic about us, as humans, is the fact that we're extremely relational. Yet many of these relations leave dents, tattered baggage, and calloused scars all over our poor souls. Inevitably, our bodies get bogged down with excess weight, and we drag when we continue to press on in life.

Am I not clear? Think of it this way. Super Glue your hand to someone else's hairy chest. When your hand finally separates from said hairy chest, there's undeniable evidence left on both parties. The chest is now graced with residue from not only the glue, but probably some torn skin as well from your hand. As for your hand, well, I don't even need to talk about how obvious it would be that your hand was clearly where few hands dare to go.

Perhaps the analogy was a little obtuse. However, don't forget the point of it all. When we enter friendships with people (be it romantic or platonic), those friends make undeniable imprints on our lives. The problem is, when some of those friendships go awry, we continue to carry that baggage (hairy chest and all) with us.

Which is what makes Jesus' invitation all the more profound. He openly invites us to deposit our broken lives at the foot of the cross. He shows us what it means to truly embrace it (the cross) and live forever changed as a result. In essence, we're living life to the fullest!

I can't quite break it down as well as I'd like. A.W. Tozer does a much better job...

(from The Pursuit of God)

"To men and women everywhere Jesus says, 'Come unto me, and I will give you rest.' The rest He offers is the rest of meekness, the blessed relief which comes when we accept ourselves for what we are and cease to pretend. It will take some courage at first, but the needed grace will come as we learn that we are sharing this new and easy yoke with the strong Son of God Himself. He calls it "My yoke," and He walks at one end while we walk at the other."


This has helped me find peace. To know that no matter what happens, God's value of me is unchanging. To completely understand that though I may masquerade around life as some make believe character, when I unveil my trueself head bowed down at the cross, Jesus will still be there smiling and embracing me for what He's made me.

ARghalkdgjoie

Sweeping changes are soon coming.


Due to some people's concerns over some things I've been writing on this thing, I have been asked to take my blog down. I have agreed on a principle level, but I won't be completely taking this down. Rather, the site will be significantly different. For the 3 of you that happen to take interest in this thing, know that it will be much altered. I have to find a way to private-ize my posts. I tried messing around with it right now but it has been more difficult than I expected.

This may seem so unexpected and so random but know that it's weird for me too. I will eventually divulge further details regarding this sudden change of direction...but I need time to pray first. Just realize the situation distills down to this:

I've always wanted to be completely transparent with my life. Other people, who are impacted by my life (and vice versa) do not share this windex transparency philosophy of mine--and that's ok. My candor has reached the point where it clearly affects other people so yeah.

Lastly, from what I can see, I'll either have to make you "invite only" if you still want to read this, or I would have to make private any post that deals specifically with "person X". I certainly don't want to do the former...after all it would require *gasp* me finding out who reads this crap.

That's all for now...I suppose.

Quiet time with Lola

I've spent much of the past 72 hours with my dear grandmother. I can safely say that it was time well spent.

Lola continues to display her strength throughout this entire situation. It's inspiring. Every time someone comes to visit her, she always welcome them in with a bright smile. Everytime someone has asked her how she's doing, without hesitation she responds something along the lines of "I have a lot to be thankful for." If I were in the same situation (battling face to face with the atrocity that is caner), I can only hope that my reponses would emanate half of the faith that Lola's do.

It's really cool. Lola rocks.

*sigh*

Really, really miss you Glorie.

Almost forgot

Someone asked me whether or not I was a terrorist the other day.

Whirlwind Weekend

I would say sorry for the lack of updates but then I realized that no one reads this anyway. So what's the point?

Where to start...

- My lola (that's grandmother to all you unfortunate enough to not be of Filipino decent) is feeling rather ill. It's strange to me. She's one of the strongest people that I know and seeing her weak is so out of place. I try to imagine what the pain is like for her, but I can't. I wish I could lend her what little strength that I have.

Cancer is truly a hideous thing. As an observer, all I can write about is the result of the path of destruction that it leaves in its wake. It has chosen to target my dear lola and it appears to be gaining an upper hand. My lola's inability to get up and walk around her house like she normally would be able to is disturbing.

Although I continue to pray for her recovery, I have realized that it's my privilege to enjoy the rest of the time I have been blessed with her. Many feel that she's near the end of her journey. I beg to differ...but if that's truly the case, then I will soak in the moments all the more. It would be my joy to someday tell my kids of the woman Lola was. A contagious, sunlight-beckoning smile...faith equaled only to lolo's...and strength that endured through storm after storm are all hallmarks of the kind of woman Lydia Godoy is.

- Glorie, from what I understand, continues to gain strength everyday. She seems to have retained her talkative nature and apparently talks a storm to everyone that visits her.

A lot of her family has been visiting from all around the US. I can only imagine what joy they must have experienced seeing Glorie display herself so proudly. Last I heard, Glorie seems absolutely driven to show everyone that she's going to be able to walk again soon. Typical Glorie behavior if you ask me; Glow has always been quick to show what Christ has done for her.

Myriam got to see her again. I'm happy for her. I imagine such priceless joy was shared by the both of them. What a moment. Kat Kat and Raychill will be able to see her soon (in two weeks or so?). I'm certain that both of them will take equal delight in seeing Glow again.

It's my desire to see or hear from Glorie in the future too. But for now, even though it sucks tremendously, I must respect the fact that I have no place in the situation. If the opportunity ever reveals itself to me, my only hope is to not cry too bad when I'm able to marinade in that moment.

- School hasn't been too bad. I have good and bad teachers. Fairly typical. Hopefully I meet more people this year and just have more friends. That would be grand.



I guess that's it...for now.

after the conversation

yeah. Clearly they've moved on.

Feeling rejected never feels good.

That little place

So I reached the point where the pain is just plain numb. My eyes have tired from expelling tear after tear. My body is all like, "Fred, in case you weren't aware, food is a requisite in order for us to function."

Funny then, that it's not until I reached this point that God was able to melt some barriers of mine. It's kind of like Jesus had to wait until I was most broken for me to finally break.

Anyway, I have more peace now because I've uncovered some frighteningly obvious truths...

1) God is huge. No even bigger than huge. He's enormous. Well even then, enormous would be inadequate. God is really, really big. You get the point.

I always masqueraded around like I truly understood this concept, but I'm just now beginning to wrap my mind around this thought: the story is about Him! It's not a very new or original thought (and frankly it sounds a little churchy), but the truth that we are all designed to reflect God is a very important principle to keep in mind.

Throughout this situation, it was easy for me to get lost in my emotions. In my limited understanding, I would think about how all the different aspects of Glorie's situation affected me; however, how has it affected Him? If God chooses to bring more glory to himself (through Glorie) in this profoundly confusing way, who am I to make much of my personal pain?

My scope has been widened, and I see the landscape a bit more clearly. It's still very blurry, but I believe I can see the cross.

2) I am loved. Not only that, but I am loved very, very much.

For much time, I was hurt simply because I felt that Glorie and her family no longer loved me. While I believe that they still care for me, I don't think there's any doubt that I am no longer as precious to them as I once was. I still miss them dearly, but am slowly coming to grips with the fact that I may not speak to them again.

That said, I've realized that my focus has been off. When Glorie and I first separated, I was hurting. Absolutely vulnerable. Instead of trusting that Christ has my best interest in mind (in all walks of my life), I trusted others. I threw myself onto Alicia and it didn't work. Only after my life was shattered did I turn to Him. I actually tasted God for the first time in that dark season, and he responded immediately!

Honestly, I could not look past all the pain I was experiencing. Yet, I gave absolutely no credence to the fact that Christ was hugging me this entire time. Dear friend, if you find yourself reading this, pay special attention to these words. If you only remember one thing that I say to you, I desire it to be this:

Christ loves you so much. It's the most cliche, overstated, plain words you'll hear in your life. But it is true.

This realization in mind, I've found more peace. What reason have I to continue to writhe in misery? The God of the entire universe is desperately in love with me! That's huge!

3) I should always take joy.

The fact that Glorie is still living and breathing is due to the sheer mercy of God. The fact that she has improved every single day since her accident (and is still continuing to improve), is a testament to the fact that our Dad hears His children crying. These mountains of joy in mind, there is very little room for discouragement.

If Glorie pronounces her undying love for Ryan, and her family delights in the result, who am I to take issue with that? If Ryan's presence is helping Glorie heal everyday, then I should be thankful for her recovery and for his support. I still feel that there is a very real potential for danger with this situation, but for now, my heart is slowing praising God for who He is; and what He's done.





Life is still hard for me...but that's not a bad thing. Jesus is holding my hand and crawling next to me as I snail through this dimly lit journey of mine; and frankly, it's not raining so hard anymore.

Getting excited

My perceptions of everything are becoming more mature. I don't hold on to a lot of the same drama that I once considered so important. Praise the Lord talaga.

Detailed update coming later...

On second thought

Maybe my heart wouldn't hurt so much if it just stopped beating.

Three days later...

I've had some time to soak it all in. To sit back, reflect, and meditate on what exactly God is putting on my plate. The result? Tears, pain, some joy, and just plain confusion. I have realized some things though...

- I still can't wrap my mind around the situation in the first place. This may seem obvious cause seriously...of all people involved in this ordeal, who can make sense of it? Clearly God has great purpose for Glorie (otherwise He wouldn't have saved her life). Yet what perplexes me most, and will probably never be understood by such a limited mind such as mine, is the method by which God chooses to glorify Himself. An accident of this magnitude? It may make sense later on as we gain more wisdom, but right now it's still ridiculous to me.

- One of the aspects of this situation, that stings most deeply, is the way I've been replaced so easily. The trusted few whom I've talked about this matter with always try to assure me that I haven't been replaced. Those seem like wise words, but they feel very empty right now. What reason do I have to believe that I haven't been replaced? I haven't talked with anyone from that family in a month and a half and the one time I did hear from Tita Maricor, she implied repeatedly that I was no longer needed. Seems to me as if those same "you haven't been replaced" words just don't hold much value right now. What hurts most deeply is the amount of time I was worth. After 4 years of growing in life together, it took a mere 4 months to forget about me. That's what I was worth to them--4 months.

- I'm sad. Really, really sad. It's starting to affect me physically. I don't always eat cause most of the time I don't feel like eating. I think my body is getting used to only eating once a day. I don't play basketball as much anymore and my dad says I'm losing a lot of weight. Hopefully one day I don't just collapse. The fact that God gracefully keeps my heart beating is beyond me.

- On the other end of that spectrum is the question, "Fred, what would make you happy?" Honestly, it would be having my family back. This whole situation has caused me to lose my best friend, my little sister, and my 2nd mother and father.

I desire so badly to just talk with Praise. To finally be able to catch up on what the Lord revealed to her in Mexico. To listen to all the people God used to impact her life and vice versa. I miss the little text messages she'd send me just to let me know that Glorie was in stable condition.

I miss Tita Maricor the most. I miss the Paul that God so frequently used to mold my spirit for the past four years. I miss just being able to talk and learn from the fountain of knowledge that she is. I miss one of my best friends. I miss being called anak.

I even miss Tito Henry. Even his own solemn demeanor heavily influenced my life. I still find it cool that he doesn't waste time expressing himself with mere words; his actions speak more profoundly on his behalf. By simply observing him, I learned and learned and learned.

Yet all these things will be but mere faded memories. Glorie's "prince charming" has arrived and Glorie's family is in full approval of him. Me? I'm less than nothing.

- Another thing I've noticed is the fact that many keep telling me that what I'm going through is for the better. While this may be a technically true statement, saying it to me at this point in my journey is far from comforting. What reason have I to believe that the abundant love the Glorie and her family poured out on me will be improved upon by someone else? Christ's love is a more perfect love, yes, but that's scratching the surface of a paradox that I can't quite grasp. The love that we receive, indirectly from God through other people, is much more manageable and just plain easier to understand. Glorie's family were among the best that poured it on me.

- I get so angry sometimes at this plate. I hate just lying around and sulking. I don't want to be some pity case for everyone to feel sorry for. The overlying story here is that God, in His great mercy, has chosen to make Glorie the showcase of His glory. Glorie reflects His luminance brighter than anyone else. From these things, I find my joy.