The Joy (Part V)

The effects of this situation concerning Glorie has been unreal. Due to the nature of the accident, my emotions have been extreme to say the least. Further, add to that the mix of the ensuing drama that lingers needlessly and it really just makes my head hurt. Surprisingly, despite all of this, I've found a very satisfying joy. I haven't been able to completely grasp it, but I've tasted it--and it's rocked my world.

Often times I had to fight personal resentment and bitterness toward Glorie's family and Ryan for what they have done to me and my family. Yet God, in His great mercy, revealed very early on that any bitterness I hold on to will be simply poison in my system. Essentially, it would corrupt my mind and affect my life in general. It would be wise to let it all go.

Yet there's something bigger going on here. I can say, with certainty, that I truly believe God is using this situation (discord and all) to truly shape me.

I have never in my entire life been so dependent on Christ compared to the past few months.
I have never prayed so hard for a singular purpose/person in my life prior to the accident.
I have never had a bigger view of God as I do now; and yet I wouldn't have it were it not for Him showcasing His wonder time and time again through Glorie.
Perhaps most profound...I have never been so expectant of God in my life. Clearly Glorieanne's life has great purpose. I boil over with excitement when I ponder the lives that will be impacted through Glow. In stark contrast, I likewise have full expectation that God will shine light to the drama going on as well.

This is not to say that this process has been painfree. Quite the opposite actually. As critical I've been of Ryan and Glorie's family, all Christ had to do was hold up a mirror to humble me. I've never been so thoroughly disgusted in my life at myself. Here I was blasting people...thoughtlessly questioning motives behind each and every person when deep down inside, though I said all the right words and did all the right things, buried beneath the shine was the fact that I wanted to get close to Glorie. I wanted to be "that guy."

I was selfish.

Yet God, in His continued gentleness, showed me that not all was bad. I truly want the best for Glorie and that wasn't a bad thing. I just needed to purify my thoughts and attitudes. Before I go gallivanting how altruistic I am (and how other people weren't) I failed to consider how desperately I needed rescue from my faults. Jesus was right; why was I complaining about the speck of dust in my brother's eye when I had a plank thoroughly lodged in mine? Naturally, this transforming of my mind took awhile. But I feel peaceful in the place I've found myself.

I can say, without any conviction at all, that I hold nothing against Ryan or Glorie's family. But my belief still remains. This situation that they're predicating for Glorie is going to be an absolute disaster. Everything is real sunny and cloudless right now but when the storm comes, the house is going to be washed away.

No one can speak about this with greater authority than me. When Glorie and I broke up (which is another extreme emotional situation), who was there but her family and friends? Whom did she seek solace from? Her Savior, her family, and her close friends.

Now that Glorie has had this accident, who will be there for her? Her Savior, family and close friends. But it's not being set up that way. It's being manipulated such that Ryan is put on a pedestal in Glorie's life. Almost as if he's been her boyfriend for her entire life. This seems to be so significant, in fact, that Glorie's family feels the need to exile (and consequently rob Glorie of the support that comes from) two of Glow's best friends.

This is precisely the danger that I see so clearly. Ryan is being esteemed so highly that it puts pressure on the both of them to be that love story. Tita Maricor has been quick to gloat and boast of him with all the family who have traveled to visit Glorie. Ryan has relished in his role. But it's only going to make for a more violent disaster in the end.

Suppose Glorie and Ryan continue in this boyfriend/girlfriend predicament. Eventually they will get into a fight (of this, I am completely certain). They'll probably be able to blow right through all the minor fights but inevitably one day will come. One day they will get in one of those foundation-shaking, relationship-breaking fights...and this world that they're building around Glorie will simply shatter.

Glorie barely has a history with Ryan. All of her memories will be of his inflated role in her recovery process. This will lead to tremendous pressure for her to like him just cause everyone else likes him. And Glorie, in her appeasing manner, will bear that burden without letting anyone know.

In fact, she already has. Prior to the accident, she couldn't even be forth with her parents about her feelings about Ryan just cause he charmed them so well (and they were so enamored with him). How much higher will the fall be considering his "prince charming" status with this accident? It's going to be an explosion of epic proportions.

Yet, I have found my joy. I used to cry endlessly at night worried sick about Glorie. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I was unwell. Thankfully, God brought me out of that desert.

I have realized so much now that I take time to reflect. Christians, no matter how mature their spirit may be, still make mistakes...and that's ok. Despite being a counselor and role model to so many, Tita Maricor is not perfect. I foolishly believed that everyone who is a Christian makes perfect decisions at all times. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yet God, in his great mercy, takes our mistakes and turns them into glorious things.

Paul relentlessly killed people...and God turned him into the greatest missionary ever.
Peter shamelessly denied his association with Jesus several times...and God made him the rock God would build his church from.
A woman got caught sleeping around...and God personally said "I don't hold this against you."

This is why Paul is able to say that God works ALL things together for good for those who are in Christ. So, even though the path is headed toward sure destruction (and pain), there must be a greater purpose with which God is mysteriously working.

If this were a movie, this would be the part where I put a big bow on everything. All of this drama would be straightened out and there would be no lasting effects as a result.

But this isn't a movie.

I still think about Glorie for hours upon the day and wonder just what is going through her head. I still miss Glorie and all her family dearly. I wonder when I'm finally going to get a subpoena from Ryan's team of lawyers. I still have to wilfully choose not to retain any impure thoughts in my head toward Ryan. It's still really hard and still really distracting.

But then again I realize that I'm but a mere brush stroke in the enormous mosaic that God is creating...and I start to smile.

No, I don't have Glorie anymore...but I do have Christ.

And I'm loving every minute of it.