Sunday Night Reflections

I feel like I've been inside of a blender for the past month. School literally makes my head hurt. None of the classes are extremely difficult. Rather, it's just that they seem to be a hindrance more than anything else. I literally have no motivation to continue pressing on save for the fact that I'm so close to the finish line. I probably would have dropped out if I knew my parents wouldn't be absolutely livid if they were aware of such an action. Nevertheless, I try to focus. I'm receiving an education--something that is wholly undervalued in the current American culture. I should be giving thanks and not complaining.

The situation with Glorie seems to just intensify effortlessly. She called me recently. Though the initial moments of our conversation were absolutely blissful, the conversation came with hidden motives. Prefacing her statement with "oh boy...here comes the hard part" she proceeded to say "Do you even think before you write all that stuff online?"

Heart = crushed.

So it seems Glorie has even been consumed by this tornado surrounding this little piece of Internet that I author. The pieces just don't add up all around...

If Glorie has read any of my writing, she would have had to access it herself or it would have had to have been shown to her. If she found it by herself, then I actually see reason to praise. Her finding it by herself would mean that she would be gaining more of her memory (even if it involves me). This is extremely significant because the only way she would have access to my blog is if she were online. Since there's no internet in Wauchula (or cell phone reception), it would only make sense to conclude that she viewed it at home. And, of all the things she chooses to relish in when she's home, she chooses to look me up. That would surely be intriguing.

However, if my writing was simply shown to her (whether through someone's laptop or printed out), then the predicament changes greatly. Remember, the explanations given to me is that the goal is to shield Glorie from all things that would even remotely hinder her progress. That's why the mere mention of my name is unacceptable. Were one to mention my name in front of Glorie, it would have the potential to invoke dormant feelings that she may/may not have for me, and thus confuse Glorie with how she should feel about Ryan. Therefore, one of the rules with visiting Glorie is no speaking of Fred.

Only a select few have access to Glorie. Surely those few are aware of the situation that we're so thoroughly entrenched in. So, what wisdom is there in showing Glorie any of my writing? The most reasonable explanation I can think of is that she would be shown so that she could be aware of what's going on. However, if that were the case, I surely hope that whomever showed Glorie my writings also told Glorie about the context with which those words were written. They should have gone through the laborious task of explaining just how things have gotten to this level. Even go to the extent of telling Glorie how her best friend Myriam was denied the role of support as well. Otherwise, if those steps were not taken, Glorie only receives a partial (and quite biased) report of the truth.

It sucks. I hate talking about this crap. It just gets tiring having to go through this. Yet the more and more I try to focus, the more and more peculiar things happen. Prior to Glorie's phone call, I had not contacted any one of her family for well over 2 months. Then she calls out of nowhere with something as judgmental as saying "Do you even think before you write that stuff online?" Seeds are clearly being planted in her head and it's disturbing.

The cynical response, of course, would be "well why don't you just take your blog down?" That's a good honest question to have. But I will not answer that now. I will wait until perhaps my next entry to properly answer that question. I want to just make sure of one thing...