Thursday, July 30, 2009

Canadian conditions

So much to be thankful for.

I woke up this morning in sort of an awkward state. My dream was pretty unique. I imagined that a toy ninja had transformed into a killing machine and was ruthlessly trying to kill me. He would throw his sword around and it would hit my hands and deliver a pain so sharp that words simply would not encapsulate the literal surge of nerves telling me something was wrong. I honestly was running all around the house just trying to run from a TOY ninja that had gone haywire. I didn't quite awake in a sweat, but I was totally in a different state of mind to say the least. Then I showered and had spam and dilis-fried rice. Two things I don't particularly enjoy, but when someone has gone out of their way to make room for YOU in THEIR house, likes and dislikes tend to melt away to the superficial realm that they come from.

Then came Niagara falls.

We arrived at the hotel my cousins have been staying at around 10ish. It was quite a resort. Complete with a casino and everything. I was rather envious considering I spent a large part of my night running away from a toy ninja but hey whatev you know. We proceeded straight to the maiden of the mist:



It's kind of a weird experience. Everyone gets in a big tugboat with ponchos on. Then you start seeing why Niagara is such a strong attraction. Within minutes we were within a few yards of the bottom of the falls and man was it incredible! It was hard just to keep my eyes open just because the wind and water was so intense and swirling in every direction. It was such a sight. I've never seen water so relentless in it's fury. It was power truly at work. I mean, there are people who have been known to be ruthless people on earth (Mussolini, Hitler, my bosses from NYL) who would seem to command authority when they simply walk. But none of them even held a stick to the authority that those waterfalls held. I mean there was simply no question who was in charge because everyone knew that it was the waterfall's way or the highway. Wet, we finally docked back on shore.

Afterward we just walked around and eventually found ourselves in a mall. My cousins are a strange group of people. They would complain about not wanting to spend a lot of money on the food at the mall (like $7.xx entrees), but would have no hesitation spending $15 on a shirt from guess just cause it was 70% off. I guess it's all about what's valuable and what's not. I suppose I should just be thankful that shopping isn't a real big thing of mine. I look, determine if I want anything, evaluate whether or not I can afford it, then execute. Simple really.

Tomorrow we go to downtown Toronto and peruse the views from the CN tower. Then, apparently it's off to Chinatown to "sightsee" and probably shop some more. Oh joy.

Still thankful though and thoroughly drained by now. Hopefully I can get glimpses of the spiritual condition of the city tomorrow.

Red leaves and different dialects

Thank the capital G that I arrived in Toronto safely. My plane ride was rather pleasant actually. My seat mate was actually one of the most hairy armed person I’ve ever met in my life, but it’s ok considering the guy was totally friendly. We exchanged pleasantries and the like and I actually am really glad we got to talk.

I got to meet Bernadette’s brother and other family. They’re top notch people. Remind me a lot of my family at home. Someday they should come and visit as well.

Oh, I got ripped off at the exchange rate place. They were giving $0.98 CAD for every $1 USD. Considering that it was $1 USD = $1.10 CAD I’d say that that’s quite a rip. Yet, like a sucker, I exchanged $10 USD at that awful rate. Hopefully I can hit up a bank tomorrow.

Speaking of which, the goal is to go to the notorious Niagara falls tomorrow and spend the entire day there. We should have plenty of photo opportunities. We plan on going on something known as maiden of the mist. Apparently it’s some special thing that takes you right under the niagar falls. According to Mark (Bernadette’s brother), it’s a very raw way to witness just how truly powerful the Niagara Falls are.

I’m thinking it can be yet another way for God to really reveal just how awesome He is.

Guess that’s it for now. I’m pretty exhausted.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

an off night

It's a weird night in more ways than one.

I stepped in front of this literary canvas of mine...and have nothing to write. Not that there isn't a lot going through my head (which there is), but nothing special seems worthy of documentation.

I guess it's just more appropriate to just sit back and reflect today.

Monday, July 27, 2009

relationships take work

I had the pleasure recently of reconnecting with a dear friend of mine.

It has been a long time coming, as our last meaningful conversation had not occurred in quite some time. Yet, last week, conversations finally happened and all the gunk that had been built up inside surfaced for examination. It was thrilling yet frightening.

The moment was awkward at first actually. They had been waiting for quite some time and I was soaking wet (fresh from my game of basketball where yours truly was displaying jordan-esque skills). Then, when I was able to freshen up, we were able to finally get to things.

Small talk.
Then pointed small talk.
Then deep talk.
Then hard conversation talk.
Then relieved talk because we finally were able to start understanding one another.
Then where do we go from here talk.
Then happy talk.
Then joyful reconciliation talk.

While that summary was quite poignant, it should be noted that the duration of that dialogue took more than 2 years. That's 730+ days of tears, doubt, and anger among other emotions. And frankly, I had given up on the idea that any reconciliation would occur in the first place.

But, as I discovered, there was urgency on the other person's heart just as much as it was on mine. Which is why I have come to conclude that relationships take work. This is true of all relationships (whether platonic, romantic, or otherwise). Both parties must have some desire to benefit the other partner otherwise the relationship becomes unhealthy (and ultimately, perhaps, broken). But when both are working at it, the momentum leads to a better place. It doesn't always end up as a happy ending, but it does end up getting you somewhere.

And the best friendships get you to a place where you couldn't go yourself.

Friday, July 24, 2009

humility (again) (again??)

This whole transition from NYL has been quite tumultuous.

Officially speaking, I'm still with the company. Unofficially, I'm very much looking at all of my options. I've spent a considerable amount of time looking this past week at either new jobs or at tennis related material. I think it would be absolutely convenient and lovely if I could just become a tennis professional. That way tennis could pay for my living.

Yet, I find that completely unfulfilling all the same.

I'm not sure what exactly is in store for me. For that matter, I'm not even sure what it is that I want to do next. I feel that I'm very talented and will be a very good hire for someone, but I don't know quite what exactly that means. I have a lot of head knowledge in the financial spectrum of things, but I'm not dead set in staying in that field either. I think I'd be equally content doing something else entirely. That has been a blessing and a curse all the same.

Part of the frustration stems from the fact that a lot of my resume is tailored for someone on a path to financial professionalism.

I don't really care one way or the other.

But I think this is where this whole humility thing is being drilled into my head yet again (really now? 2.5 years of the same lesson already?). There's no doubt that God has uniquely gifted me to be able to adapt and do many, many things well; but I have also gloated on those things as a reflection of me instead of Him. As a result, in my arrogance, I have foolishly believed that this transition period in my life would conveniently fall into place without any hardship at all. I mean, who wouldn't want to hire me?

But, instead I'm slowly trying to embrace the reality that I should be thankful for any job that I have. Even if it means lowering my pride and accepting a position that I'm over-qualified for. Let God work in me so that He can work through me. What a novel thought.

But this job better come fast (please?). Otherwise I think I'll just be an exotic dancer. Get excited.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

back

It's been a long long time.

A lot has developed. More that I will get into tomorrow.

But for now, this is what I'm dwelling on:

"If we value comfort more than character, then trials will upset us. If we value the material and physical more than the spiritual, we will not be able to count it joy! If we live only for the present and forget the future, the trials will make us bitter and not better." - Wiersbe

Monday, July 06, 2009

melancholy and daybreak

It's been a pretty epic week in terms of life.

There's been another dilemma in the craziness that is New York Life. I haven't received an email back from Brian but I made a very strong case for myself. I am hopeful that at some point this week I will have my meeting with Brian but I don't have any control over any of that in the meantime.

I'm better from a relationship standpoint though. I think I finally hit that breakthrough part where I FINALLY understand that Kristy simply doesn't care about me or my time as much as I care about her. It's difficult to be in this position, but at least this time I have the benefit of experience. This sort of ordeal so closely echoes what I've already gone through with Glorie that it's kinda humorous. It hurts just as bad, but when you put yourself out on the line for someone the pain is a risk that one has to take. Theorhetically the pain is so worth it if the other person is willing to equally put themselves out on the line. But that's just it--it must be mutually submission/affection. Since that clearly isn't the case with Kristy, I end up with the short end of the stick.

I remain hopeful though. There's good news for those in hopeless situations like me. There's an ongoing initiative labeled "redemption" for anyone interested. Where those crying in darkness (me) can trade in their freshly embered ashes for beautiful restoration. You just have to know where to look.

I haven't quite latched onto it, but I'm at least back on the train. And, it feels good knowing that I can move in a forward direction--even if I'm reluctant to let anyone else carry all my luggage. But smiles eventually sprinkle around life again. And the warmth of love will come.

Who knows...maybe there's hope for me yet.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

2:51

And it's clear.

Sleep has decided to omit my bedroom tonight.

brooding feelings

anger.
pride.
resentment.
unfairness.
confusion.
insignificance.
unrecognition.
bitterness.


no positive spin at all.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

a really dark place

it's so painful.

Yesterday was another huge deadline for the company. I really don't know what to believe in anymore. I was supposed to be at 9000 but there seems to be a dilemma regarding my "true" number. According to my math, and hey I know a little bit about numbers), I should be at about 9075. Dashboard shows me at 7085. I already saw two people pack up their desks because they got axed. I have very little confidence that I won't follow their lead.

Today was such an emotionally draining day. This morning's "council rush" really solidified why I think corporate america is so great and so awful. Competition breeds excellence but what's the point if we have to step all over each other to get there? My insight is shot.

I had a little bit of a high today when I was able to close a deal. It came very unexpected and it's not much but I'm very happy taking it. Add to that the fact that the sun was shining and all seemed very well. Even my second appointment went well. Didn't close anything...but got referrals. So it was all good.

Then, inevitably, the rest of the day came. I was supposed to meet up with Kristy today. She's leaving for a month tomorrow to go tour asia. So, after two months of non-communication...suddenly lines were open again. The plan was for us to hang out before she left.

But, the problem this time was I believed her.

Long story short I fly straight from my appointment to her area only to have her not pick up my phone calls. I called every 30 minutes 3 different times. I ended up driving to Borders and buying a book for her to read on the plane in my wait for her. She picks up the fourth time simply to say she never received any of my previous calls. Go figure.

Pressed for time, we discover that if we're to hang out at all it couldn't be for long because she still had a lot of packing to do and she still has to meet up with Lee and her other friends this evening. So, even being less than 5 minutes away from her house, I tell her to use the time to finish packing so that she wouldn't be stressed for time (this was done as a preemptive measure since #1) I know that she wouldn't have finished packing until 3 AM or so this morning cause she would be drunk tonight and #2) if she didn't get a lot of sleep it's likely she would've started fighting with her mom and that would be an awful way to start the trip).

Fast forward to an hour before midnight and I'm still waiting patiently for her. And I feel completely ridiculous for having made a card with an airplane on it wishing her safety on her travels. And really dumb for buying headphones that cancel out ambient noise so she can sleep better on the plane. And most stupid because I actually believed she would want to see me too.



I feel so awful. I swear a person should not be capable of experiencing this much rejection. I mean I get it all the time from work related activities. Should it come from someone that's considered a dear friend as well? What

I'm so stupid.

Come to think of it, I can't even recall eating today.

I haven't felt this low in two years.