eyes wide shut

sleepy.
awake.
DCB.
church music.
epic.
tennis.
stupid forehand.
dr house.
focus.
can't.
stop thinking.
miss kristy.
how was biloxi.
new investment.
still owe money.
life = oxymoron.

Saturday Night Thoughts

Everyone is upstairs watching the mayweather-marquez fight.

I'm downstairs winding down about to go to sleep. It's not that I have no interest in watching boxing (Manny Pacquiao FTW!) but I really have to sleep since I'm serving at BC tomorrow. The only reason this strikes me at all is that I believe I'm a pretty strange child.

Everyone upstairs is inebriated out of their mind; I've had nothing but water to drink.
Playing poker everyone was having fun cracking jokes and stuff; I just stayed quiet and focused on playing.
Everyone is cheering on the boxing match and has no regard for the time; I have to get up in 5 hours.


I guess I wish I was a little bit more normal sometimes. But then again I'm very happy with the fact that I don't fit in the typical mold of anyone. But I still look for acceptance with other people. I guess it's just nice knowing that that I'm highly thought of even though I'm the chocolate chip cookie that got deformed during the baking process.

Often through the night I thought about Kristy and how much she would approve of my being social or not. But her view of me doesn't define me. Rather, it shouldn't. Yet I want her to think much of me probably because I think much of her.

Blah. I'm a hot mess. No wonder God probably wants me to pay attention to the ME issues more than the THEM issues.

friday night thoughts

oh noes.

The day progressed today and so did my thoughts. One dangerous one in particular surfaced quite clearly.

It is possible (likely even) that part of the reason that I try so hard with Kristy is because I want to receive glory (that's christian-speak for credit or praise) for the story. That is, if she were to ever "come around" and start appreciating me or whatever, it would be because of MY faithfulness and MY patience with her the whole way.

This is entirely contradictory to the creed of selflessness that I aspire to.

The implication being that my relinquishing everything about Kristy to God means that I also take no more credit for anything that goes on in her life. It is an open embrace to the reality that, from this point forward, anything that happens in her life would be her choice and undeniable prompting of the Holy Spirit. Any influence I will have had up to that point would be but one of many factors to a greater story of God.

Crap.

I wanted a Disney type of thing.

friday morning thoughts

Although it was hard to find rest last evening, the merciful embrace of sleep did provide closure.

I think that one plausible direction that all this crap has been pointing to is that there may be bigger issues with me that must be addressed. There aren't any huge red flags about my character per se that merit psychiatric help (or is there?), but it's the culmination of those small, subtle things that really make the difference in a relationship.

In other words, maybe this is more of a fred problem than it is a Kristy problem.

why rejection hurts so much

it's that feeling you get in the middle of the night when the lights are off and you're in bed and your eyes are closed. In the twilight of your consciousness you lay there thinking about them...only to realize that you're the last thing on their mind.

And that's when ridiculous things start happening.

Like tears.

2 in one day!

I feel so conflicted.

On one hand comes all these random thoughts that I simply can't dismiss.
- Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
- In light of my past experiences, my current circumstance, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?
- The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
- Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves do what it says.

But the other side is undeniable as well.


I've never felt so torn about anything in my entire life. The decision seems obvious but why isn't it easier? Why am I struggling with such a simple issue? Could this be a reflection of greater issues that I need to deal with myself?

I feel so stupid.

under the bridge

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It was another one of those days today. I had a much needed day off and wanted to use it in a very worthwhile way. Naturally I began the day praying and proceeded to playing the ever-so-wholesome video game Grand Theft Auto IV. I just finished executing Mr. Dimitri Rascalov when I deemed showering (in the real world) a beneficial thing for my day. In the shower, as with all of my great ideas, birthed the brilliance that surprising Kristy in Athens would be a worthy task for the day. Thus the beginning of this story.

Within minutes I formulated my strategy. She would be leaving for Louisiana tomorrow, so it would be quite wonderful for me to bring her a "KT survival gift" as a surprise for her long day today. I would end up packing a bowl of food (she doesn't have time to eat during the latter part of her day), a small bowl of fruit, a whole banana (she loves fruit in general), smart water, moist towelettes and regular paper towels (she has a lot of charcoal on her hands because of her arts and crafts related classes) to wipe her hands with, her favorite pack of gum, and an envelope with a note from me. There's a caveat with the envelope though. I happened to enclose some money in it to assist with a conflict Kristy had with Lee but it was an awful, awful mistake. I was out of place and overzealous with pure intentions and poor execution (seems to be my m.o.).

Eventually I begin my trek up to lovely Athens, GA. It's normally a 1.25 hour drive but today it was pleasant enough to rain. So it was more like 1.45 hours...one way. The plan was to meet around 2:15 or so. I got to Athens around 2 and stopped by publix to buy her bowl of fruit and withdraw the money I was going to put in the envelope. Then, what should've been only a 10 minute drive to campus turned out to be a 30 minute escapade of me getting lost in the rain. Things were not going to plan and of course I ended up calling her and diminishing my surprise visit. Everything ended up more frustrating because she was at a really obscure location on campus (Barrow Hall which is a semi-small building) that I had trouble locating. So, she had to guide me from the parking deck and give me walking directions to her.

This is where the epic fail begins.

There were communication breakdown between us because I would be walking toward her and we would end up being on different pages. I would walk one direction and she would think I was in another place. This back and forth "wait...where are you?" would continue and waste maybe another 10 minutes of time. She started getting annoyed because she went outside to wait for me and started getting wet. The whole time I'm trying to keep optimistic because I'm carrying a bag full of stuff for her. I started to lose hope because she was so clearly flustered with me.

We finally met up and I was so happy to see her. She was amused with me and my smile and looked content enough to see me back. I have her her gifts, explained everything, with which she would smile and say "aww thanks." We spent a total of ten minutes together until she had to go back to her class. Then as I left she sent text after text saying how angry she was with me because of the money I tried to give her to help her situation. Never mind the fact that I tried so hard to be thoughtful and do something as time-consuming as driving an hour and a half through the rain just for her but everything was for not since I annoyed her earlier and tried to help a situation I had no business helping.



My small group says I should find someone who appreciates me more than Kristy.

Only problem is that I truly appreciate her.

expecting the unexpected

There's an old adage that goes "when life gives you lemons make lemonade."

I believe that whoever came up with that had quite a life. Perhaps their perspective had shifted such that they realized that joy does not come from circumstance but instead comes from faith in a better future. For some that's reunion with family or some drug or whatever. For me it's eternity in heaven.

Anyway, the reason this has been noteworthy for me because there's something really rich about knowing how to handle a situation where the circumstances really don't make sense. It's those perilous times when quitting and complaining become all too easy simply because it's extremely uncomfortable not knowing what the future will hold and having very little control of it. I believe that it is during these times that a light shines in the places that we, as humans, tend to mask so well.

There are virtues and vices that will manifest in these times. Those with weak personalities will falter usually and traverse through said "lemon phase" with many bumps and bruises all along the way. What more, people of this nature will be quick to highlight the fact that they had to go through such an enduring period to all who may listen.

The other extreme will go through the same thing, yet every measure of their character will shine whenever the opportunity will permit (which is all the time). They endure the same bumps and bruises that their counterparts go through, but the scintillating difference is that the bumps and bruises are minor parts of a focused demeanor that never loses sight of the fact that things will get better. As a result their personalities never stray far from wonderful.

Although there are many exceptions, and I have noted but a few generalaties, I think the best thing for me right now is to pursue the latter. To quote my boy Moody, "Character is what you are in the dark."

Now if I just knew some good lemonade recipes.

drive time

I wish I could be more comfortable with the fact that I'm a nerd.

That I read a lot and think really weird thoughts all of the time. I wish I didn't think in the background that sometimes I could be "cooler" if I was less me.

I wish I thought I was pretty cool as is.

a moment in contemplation

I'm finding it easier and easier to understand and appreciate the supreme amount of faithfulness God has in us.

I do not understand what makes us act the way that we do. This whole conundrum of giving a person the autonomy to do whatever pleases them certainly encompasses the fact that they could genuinely hurt you as well as give you joy. However, I realize now that were it not for this, there would be no joy to be had when the person chooses you if it were a forced decision altogether.

This alone is a great testament for those who are married (and happily married at that) for generation upon generation.

All this is to say that relationships take work. And, it's awful when one person wants the relationship to work and the other doesn't.