Happy Birthday to me

in my happy place. d(^_^)b

Wrestling with God

There's a passage of scripture in the book of Genesis that always struck me as odd. Jacob, son of Isaac (who is son of Abraham), wrestles with "a man." After wrestling with this man, it is concluded that Jacob was wrestling with God Himself. I feel like I've had a similar experience.

No, I haven't physically had an altercation with God the same way Jacob did. I feel my wrestle with Him was more metaphoric. Now that I think of it, I don't even think I was wrestling--it was more of a beat down. God simply punched me in the stomach over and over.

I've been complaining about work so much lately. How I don't like the work and that I don't like the people sometimes. Then the Lord decided to rock my world. He's giving me exactly what I'm asking for.

"Lord, let me shine like Jesus."

What does Jesus shine like then? Well, for starters, He has love. How do I love like Jesus? By getting placed among people who are unloveable. How do I have patience like Jesus? By getting placed in situations that drain me of patience.

It continues. The conclusion I have arrived at is that I simply have no right to complain when all God is doing is molding me. Rather, I should rejoice because He is doing what He needs to to make me shine for Him.

Absolutely freaking brilliant.

Work

God,

From this day forward let me focus NOT on the struggles at work, but on the change that you are working on within me.

Thank you in advance,
Fredsterific :)

Innocence

If there's anything that my working for 13 hours yesterday taught me, it's that innocence is absolutely epitomized in children. Working at Disney, I now understand why Jesus treasured children so much.

There's this one position, called bridge position, that allows me to see this fact firsthand. Being at bridge requires very little work. All that is done is mere observation. At the maximum, the most you end up doing is counting however many cars are on the track. Every now and then you may have to run and help start a car that has stopped, but otherwise the position requires one to simply watch other people. It is at this time that I find it easiest to see every child's innocence.

Coming around one of the corners on our track, you get to see first hand how much/little fun each guest is having. When you see the kids, who are experiencing the thrill of "driving" for the first time, it does something deep inside. Their serene eyes piercing through all barriers constructed in your heart...their bright smiles disarming all bitterness that you may have been unconsciously harboring. One look and it becomes quite apparent why we must enter the kingdom of heaven as if we're children.

Lightning Rod?

I had a rather interesting conversation with one of my friends yesterday. In our conversation, we discussed the need for everyone to have their own "lightning rod." What this means is that everyone needs someone that they can confide in and be completely honest with.

The bible would agree with this assertion. From my understanding, the early church in Acts showed examples of what true fellowship is supposed to resemble. Certainly these groups of christians had lightning rods within their respective groups.

I suppose my small group leader back home would be my lightning rod. Phil's a great guy. No matter what I do (or say for that matter), I'm confident that Phil wouldn't view me any less of a person than before. That's something really great to have. I didn't always have that luxury, however. Growing up, I always found myself suppressing most of my emotions simply because I failed to find anyone that I could truly trust. I trust Glorie...but she doesn't always see things from my point of view. Which is why I think it's even greater that I have Phil. For the simple fact that he's a guy, he's able to understand things that, well, only happen to guys. It's profound.

Blah

Some things that are noteworthy from the past few days...

- Working until 4:00 A.M. is something that should never be accomplished by anyone. It just sucks.

- Working until 4:00 A.M. in 30 degree cold is a very efficient way to sadden Fred Godoy.

- Romance is something I'll nevery truly understand.

- Understanding women is a goal that will always remain unchecked on my list of goals in life.

- There are too many people that go to Animal Kingdom on President's Day.

- Lions are one of the most majestic creatures I've ever seen in my life.

- Don't eat too much Cici's Pizza. It made me feel bloated.

- Through it all, I'm still very very blessed.

- God still rocks my world.

sudden emptiness

It has just occurred to me that there may not be a worse feeling than loneliness. Why do I always find myself alone? No matter how hard I try at it, I can't find a friend.

I try so hard to be that person for everyone else. To let everyone know that if it holds any value whatsoever, I, little old Fred Godoy, cherish each and every person that calls me friend. What I mean to say is that anytime one feels that they ever need me, I am voluntarily sharing myself with them in order to help them with that need--no matter the cost. It can be 3:30 in the morning and they can call me. I will purposely wake myself up because they matter that much to me.
I persistently try to uplift and encourage other because I truly believe that people need to hear that they're important. I believe that people need to feel loved...even if they already know that they are. People need to know that they're thought highly of--especially those who don't think highly of themselves in the first place. This is what I take delight in.

However, this is not to say that I don't need these things as well. I wish someone would desire me. I wish someone would show me that they think highly of me. I feel so ugly all the time.
Don't get me wrong. I find pure joy in the Lord. I constantly read Isaiah 40 for great encouragement. I love the Lord. Yet times come when I just wish someone would say "Fred, I care about you."

Cause often it feels like no one does.

Feeling Dumb

Lord,

I wish You would just give me clear indication one way or the other. You know how I analyze things so You surely know what kind of effect these mixed signals have on me. What am I doing wrong? Let me have peace one way or the other.

Friday Morning Thoughts

Not really sure what to say...not much has changed I suppose. The only thing worth mentioning is the conversation(s) I had yesterday with my speedway mates.

Apparently, it's becoming quite evident that I like Alicia. Something about the way I always spend time with her or something about the way I act around her during work or something like that. I hope that we continue to be friends though. Just good ol' best friends. Those are the kinds of relationships that are worth it. Alicia is the same way. I don't want to force a romantic relationship or anything. I just kind of want it to go the way the Lord wants it to go. After all, I don't want to root any of my joy or hapiness in Alicia; only in the Lord. This is not to imply that I DON'T find hapiness in Alicia (which is certainly not the case). Yet the thing is I don't want to fall into the trap of finding my joy IN her.

Several of my co-workers think that I should make a move. I suppose that they give me this ill-motived "advice" because they think that the singular thing I'm concerned about is getting inside of her pants. It was weird telling them that having sex with Alicia isn't my motive. They all thought I was crazy. Funny thing is after our conversation, I was the one that ended up feeling sorry for them.

"Nice guys finish last" you say? Then what would it mean to finish first? To take advantage of girls? To reduce them to the equivalent of a slab of steak--meant only to fulfill our selfish pleasures whenever we get horny? Is getting intoxicated truly the way to live life? Inebriated with alcohol in a vain attempt to plug the gaping emptiness that bellows and consumes us underneath it all? Then when it's all said and done, the reward are merely "good" stories to be able to tell to others down the road that will perhaps impress someone new later in life. The process repeats and the emptiness grows.

Screw that.

Still Breathing

So I've had quite some time to let everything soak in. Hehe I just started a sentence with a preposition. Anyway let's exfoliate one by one.

Glorie and I are still kind of adjusting to the reality that we're separated. We talked late last night. She gave the obligatory thank you and the like for the Valentine's gift that I gave her (it was nothing really...just me making her bed and giving her a mickey plush toy). It's still hard to talk with her. There's so much info that gets sent non verbally. I hate trying to read her inbetween the lines. I wish we could just be friends and make everything stop being so freaking uncomfortable. Her family still treated me like family when I came over. I'm quite thankful for that. At least that confirms for me that their concern for me is truly genuine and their character isn't fickle.

Work has been better too. I'm really starting to get to know other people. Still haven't found any other Christians save for the two that I have already met. That's ok though. God only needs one to do wonderful things. The three of us should be able to rock the universe. The new people I've been meeting seem friendly enough though. I hope I become good friends with many of them. Possibly even bud those friendships to deeper relationships with the Lord. Then again, before I hope to do any of this, I suppose I have to be as transparent as possible. I can tell when people are fake to me. I'm sure it goes the other way as well; despite how much I try to hide it, I think counterfeit personalities stick out like a sore thumb.

Then there's the ever faithful One--Jesus. Always patient with me. Always calming my concerns. Always loving me. How can I show my gratitude in return? I wish I could love You Lord just one small fraction compared to how much You love me. Let me shine brightly for You. Here I am!

You are my joy.

I take great delight in You.

I love You. You rock my world.

Aftershock

I'm single again.

The moment of truth

Well...I'll know the future of our relationship within the next couple of hours.

a moment please

Lord,

Let me be honest with you right here. I'm not sure whether or not it is the best idea to post this on the web or whatever but I suppose this is part of "image maintenence" defense mechanism that prohibits me from being truly genuine with You. So fine, here I am Jesus.

Father, tomorrow is the big day with Glorieanne. What is in store with our relationship? Has it truly reached the end? What will it mean for me if it really is the end? What will happen with Glorie? Is she really on track with you like she says she is? If it's so, why do we still always fight? What should I do? Focus on You I know. Be reminded of how You never give me more than I can bear...I know. Perhaps I don't know. Otherwise, why would I feel so uncertain? I sure hope I can still be friends with her though. I don't know what it's going to feel like when we start having those awkward moments.

Then there's Alicia. God what an awesome girl. Thanks for bringing her into my life. The funny thing is I find that she reminds me of Glorie in some ways. The way it's so easy to talk with her...it reminds me of how Glorie and I started. Yet why do I keep thinking about her? Is it mere infatuation? Is any of it attributed to the fact that I am at a critical point with Glorie? Lord don't let me use Alicia as a rebound girl. It would make me so sad to realize that my selfishness would extend so far that I would use her as such a cheap remedy for my heartache. Jesus, please please don't let that happen. I see such beautiful potential for a very special friendship. I don't want our friendship to be corrupted in that way.

Then again, Jesus let me mean what I say. I want You Lord. I want to pursue you Jesus. I want to find my delight in You. I want to be so satisfied in You that my world can be shaken and I would still have my peace in You. That is my desire. Rock my world God. Use me here.

Soooo much on my mind

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time in a long time that I truly cried myself to sleep. It was so weird. I remember not wanting my roomates to hear me. I remember the tears running down my face. I remember wanting to call someone but realizing that Jesus may be urging me to rely on him at that particular time.

Last night may have been the nail in the coffin regarding Glorie and my relationship. We fight so much. It's so hard to have a regular conversation. I wish we could be regular friends...just like how we used to be. But we aren't. Maybe that's what the Lord is using to have me focus back on Him? Who knows.

Overall, I still consider myself blessed. I hope God uses me here...no matter how small my purpose is.

God = Awesome!

I just want everyone to know that God rocks my socks.

After praying so fervently for other Christians this week, I have found two others within a span of about a week. Talk about awesome. One of them, who has been mentioned in a previous post, has been one of the biggest blessings given to me so far concerning this whole disney experience. I have nothing but good thoughts whenever I think about her.

Yesterday, I met another Christian. She's from the south like me. The only thing is that she's smarter. I was able to deduce this because she's a theology major. After talking to her for about half an hour yesterday, I was able to confirm that she was indeed quite intellectual. She is also quite a Christian.

Hopefully we will be able to start a small group very soon. This makes 3 Christians that are CPs so far. There has to be more. Has to be. We can make a difference. We can shine like Jesus. Holy Spirit we just need you now more than ever. We pray for You to ignite this city and this company for You.


Yet it's odd you know. As exciting as all of this stuff is, I wonder what will happen with me and my wonderful girlfriend. I still adore her very very much. Yet if the Lord has even bigger plans for me, which require a very real possibility of separation from Glorie, then I respond yes.

Who will go for you LORD? Send me.

rock my world

God, in fitting sovereignty, has rocked my world with the following news:

- One of my friend's father has died in a car accident.

- Hot girl at work is determined not to be friends with me.

- Relationship with girlfriend is at a critical point.

- Met new girl who is one of the friendliest people I've ever met.

- Found a new website that is absolutely awesome.

- Said website is so awesome, I'm considering making it my homepage.

- Worked at Monsters Inc Greeter position and concluded that it should be considered to be cruel and unusual punishment.

- Glad I have my roomates.

- Glad I have my friends.

- Glad I can lean on the LORD.


Elucidation to come later.

Uncertainty

It's as if, even if it lasted for only a moment, I knew it was right.

Yet everything seems to show that it's wrong.