12.30.08

It's been a year.

And I still have so much to learn.

The only thing I think I've wrapped my mind around is: God.

God in my laughing.
God in my weeping.
God in my bitterness.
God in my frustration.
God in my ecstasy.
God in my curiosity.
God in my dreaming.

Yes, all of those but more simple. The fact that God is, well, God.

The compelling thing about believing God, if He is who He claims Himself to be, is that He is the most faithful person in the entire world. As such, I have learned (and relearned) that there is no satisfaction or joy that comes apart from Him.

Much of my maligned faith this year has been from a wildly incorrect perception that I would all of a sudden be so much happier once "the situation" was finally resolved. In other words, once there was true reconciliation between me and the Santos family, I believed that there would be some glorious restoration between my joy and my life.

But I'm starting to believe that even if that were to happen, there still wouldn't be some surreal joy in my life.

No, that must come from the Joygiver in the first place. And, I've discovered that joy is not always easily found. In fact, it can be incredibly tumultuous just trying to procure it amidst the infinite darkness.

But it's there. And man is it worth it.

Friday Night Thoughts

Perhaps it's my exhaustion.
Maybe even my lack of sleep.
But I have the weirdest thoughts at 3:51 in the morning.

It's really a combination of a lot of drive homes. Those curious drives that usually take 20 mins or so when one leaves the variety of parties that hallmark this festive time of the year. Where a merry time was had by all and the only thing left is to arrive safely back at one's house. For the past three days, I have had several of these drives.

Each one I put the music on the lowest audible volume possible and just marinated in my thoughts. Nothing really forced (i.e. no focusing on anything), but just kind of "went with the flow." All three times I ended up thinking about what she was doing. That lead to me thinking about how much I miss her. And that lead to me reminding myself that she doesn't even care.

I'm kind of used to everything now. I think I understand the whole positioning so that everyone would just be "ok." And that I am the stubborn thorn who just won't go away. Oh well.

The desire is still so intense to just sit down and have a quality conversation with her. Nothing forced, nothing faked, just two people enjoying one another's life so purely. It's just too bad that my hope of that becoming a reality diminishes daily. What incentive does she have? She has her boyfriend and she has her family. What use would she have with a lingering ex boyfriend?

There is some peace however. Instead of just sulking the whole ride home, I actually started smiling somewhat. Somewhere along the way, I started to understand that it's not about how soon all of this stuff will "be over" or how soon these feelings will "go away." Rather, there's a surreal feeling that comes with discovering that maybe, just maybe, God is right and is doing something bigger than what I can wrap my puny little mind around.

Like changing my heart.

Sunday Night Thoughts

I'm feeling pretty contemplative.

At some point I walked around church today and simply asked rhetorically, "why?" Why do I do all this stuff anyway?

Why do I spend half of my day at church, getting there before the sun is even up, just so I can do something as menial as operate the camera for 3 services?
Why do I wake up early at all on sunday at the first place when perhaps I could spend that time recovering from a late night saturday binge?


Then things branched out to belief questions in general.

Why do I believe in God anyway?
Why do I follow Jesus?
Wouldn't it be easier to just kind of gravitate toward whatever is popular in culture?
Isn't it ok to simply go with "what feels right" and let everyone believe what they want?
And honestly, why is Christianity worth pursuing when a lot of people who claim to be Christians don't follow the instructions of Christ?



I stood in place and just kind of looked into the parking lot alone with my thoughts. Then, as I looked at all the cars and into the horizon where the sun was conveniently above the trees I settled upon something that was curiously sweet. And it didn't completely resolve until I was back in the director's suite watching video that I had a more profound appreciation from what I believe was something Holy Spirit given.

It is my choice to follow Jesus. Specifically, it is my choice to completely surrender my life (and what I think is in my best interest) to Him and what He knows my best interest to be. But the natural question asked will be, "well how do you know that Jesus knows? How do you know He's even real at all? Is He really worth following?"

And that, in my opinion, is the empirical question of faith. Because even if Jesus isn't, then the question will still beg to be answered. And accordingly, that is what one's life will count toward. So then it will become a question of what one's life is worth devoting to.

For me, I believe with my entire being that Jesus is true life because every time I focus and truly pursue "walking" with Him, I live in the most serene feeling of peace I've ever experienced in my entire life. Further, there's an intense joy that comes with it that is greater than any sort of drunken, intoxicated pleasure I've explored in this life.

Make note, this does not guarantee that being a Christian entails some sort of stress free lifestyle. Quite the opposite in fact. In many ways, being a Christian only complicates things because the standard that everyone is supposed to live up to is so exacting that it can become incredibly daunting. Case in point--some of the most incredibly hypocritical words I've ever heard in my life came from people I know to be Christians.

But the truth, as I discovered today, is that my entire hope is fixated on Jesus. If He isn't worth it and He isn't who He says He is, then I'm the biggest dummy in the whole wide world. But I'm serious in believing that God is who He says He is. And further, I am who He says I am.

And that's what makes the difference.

ps

Sometimes I have to convince myself that it'll all be worth it.

So that was the reason why

Ever since last year, I made it intentional to stop frequenting facebook so often.

Originally, it was just because I didn't want to waste a lot of time on the internet and stuff (this is also why I don't go on youtube all that often). I realized pretty early that I would mindlessly drone around just clicking people's pages and filling up my time doing stuff like that. So I thought it would be wise to cut that out. Eventually, a lot of the drama from last year happened, so it became even easier to make the transition to stop visiting FB because so many friends/everything would remind me of her. That would invariably lead back to reflection on the situation then a lot of brain hurting would ensue thereafter.

Tonight marks the first time I've gone on the site in more than a month. I did it to be somewhat polite. There were a bunch of people doing friend requests and all this jazz so it's kind of improper etiquette to not respond to those things. But, just like I remembered, something naturally led to her.

And it sucked.

I tried keeping my thoughts captive and really focusing on keeping a grateful heart. It seems as if she is pretty happy now and everyone I know is happy along with her. I'm happy for them. Perhaps Mr. E can prevail where I and prince charming failed. She certainly seemed happy enough.

Although I really can't discount the fact that, more than her, I started missing a lot of related people. Like the sister. I think she texted me the other day (pretty sure cause it reeked of praise-isms) but didn't know to be sure. I miss all of them so much.

Alas, I suppose that it's my place, at least for right now, to continue to play my support role. If the best thing that I can do is pray then I will continue to pray. If my faith is contingent on waiting for God's timing, then I'm complain the whole time I'm waiting. And the moment never comes when true restoration arrives, then I still won't consider any of it for loss.

Because love isn't a loss.

24 hours

Some dust has settled.

So here are the observations:

- Apparently "it wouldn't work." Part of that is because I don't drink and she does. What lame sauce.

- I don't need it to work. Honestly.

- Maybe I just want it to?

- She wants to be able to go clubbing and wouldn't feel comfortable around me. I guess I saw this coming; I never was into violence.

- All things considered, there's so much about me that is likable compared to that which is not.


Someday (soon perhaps) I will be able to look at this and be genuinely thankful. I'm not quite there at this moment just because I'm still bummed. However, the faith has been that God has my best interest in mind. Therefore, although it is a natural inclination to doubt and to really question whether or not what I believe is true, I believe nonetheless.

And that's what makes the difference.

Sunday Night Thoughts

Well, it's been awhile hasn't it?

A lot of that has been intentional. Other parts of it hasn't. Either way, I've learned to internalize a little bit more.

Nothing really to share. I finally had "the conversation" tonight with Kristy. It was pretty awkward. We had FK fun day with Phil as a sidekick. Although attending church together didn't quite make it, we were able to have a pretty rockin' day.

The falcons game was a must of course. And it was such a tremendous game to be in attendance for in the first place. Let's just say that it's always good to win a game in overtime!

Then the three of us went and did dialogue in the dark. That in and of itself was pretty incredible. It was basically a very intricate exhibit detailing how it would be like to live if one were blind. Although it lasted only an hour, it was so awesome that I'll probably reflect upon it in greater detail at some point.

Then, inevitably, the conversation happened. We agreed that the really amazing friendship that has developed is something that is truly precious in both of our eyes. But the problem is that one person liked the other. And the other person didn't reciprocate those feelings. And emotions jazz everything up (good and bad).

Oh well.

Rejection specialist

One of the unique aspects of this job is the "no" factor.

In other words, 90% of the time I will hear the word "no" from anyone that I speak with. It doesn't matter if I'm telling people about how I can cure cancer; if I inquire as to when it would be a good time to sit down with someone, 90 out of 100 times I will hear the word "no." In my case, I hear the word "no" 99 out of 100 times. It's hilarious really.

This morning was particularly entertaining. I did my regular talk about how I wanted to help business owners and then positioned myself as a financial resource for their company. After I asked when a good time to meet was, our conversation went along these lines:

"I would never do business with a scam artist fake financial advisor from an insurance company."
"May I ask why not? Because you clearly may have had a bad experience that I..."
"Well I think you're stupid. How about that?"

*click*


It kinda makes it a little bit easier for when I hear no from other people not related to business.

Listen and Learn

Premise I'm currently wrestling with?
You can't hear from God if you aren't in a position to hear from God.



Man :(

Sunday Morning Thoughts

There's something that's been slowly processing in my mind for the past few days.

It's not something particularly hilarious or profound in nature, but just a simple little thought that I did not fully reflect upon. This "thought", I evaluated, was something that was out of my reach in terms of control. Yet there has been much reform in my heart and I now realize just how wise it would have been had I looked into things with more intent.

It has been stressed to me recently how my "thoughts" have had tremendous potential to influence other people. Initially I thought that this assertion was unfounded. After all, if someone were to survey my thoughts, why would they put any extra weight over what I have to say compared to someone (perhaps) more credible? It would be the equivalent of reading the op-ed in a newspaper and considering it equally justified as CNN. It just doesn't make any sense.

However, as I've been slowly, and prayerfully, thinking about the (gasp!) possibility that I have been wrong, I immediately started seeing some truth to the previously unfounded assertion. The fact that some people consider what I have to say speaks to them placing some sort of value on my perspective. Whether or not that value is negative or positive is another matter entirely, but it is an aspect of my "thoughts" that I must take into consideration.

Because, again, there is potential for influence.

Biblically, this is no surprise. James speaks passionately about always being mindful of one's mouth. He makes the parallel that the tongue is the equivalent of a small spark capable of inciting the most intense of fires. Paul makes similar conclusions in several of his letters (Ephesians 4, Philippians 4). And frankly, this is a thought that I've delved deeply into already. So, again, this is nothing new.

In light of this, I've realized a few things.
I do not necessarily ask for any attention paid to me--but, there are some who are quite attentive.
I cannot control how I am interpreted or understood--but, I should be mindful of the fact that some people may be listening.
I think out loud for benefits most considerably received by me--but I should be cognizant of the truth that those benefits may affect other people entirely.

Twilight Thinking

It's the end of the night.

I've had plenty of conversations today. From clients scattered throughout the day to buzzed coworkers at our holiday party. There's been much absorbed. But it's the one that keeps me up.

Although I feel like writing every single thing that comes to mind right now, I don't think that that would be an appropriate course of action. I simply haven't given any of it enough thought and prayerful consideration.

Nevertheless, there has been one resounding message that keeps reverberating over and over.

The inevitable will happen when someone will wrong you. Before one can even consider approaching the wrongdoer, it is appropriate to first consider any faults that the "victim" first has themselves. Although this is a biblical principle (Matthew 7), it would be wise to learn this even if one is not of the Faith. Is correction not better received in love than in condemnation?

The only way a heart is won over is through unconditional love.

Focus.

Many thoughts = little focus. So...focus.


- 1 Chronicles 29:10-11

- Proverbs 4:23

- Brazil?

- 70k FYC. 13k FG.

- very scared about tomorrow's conversation.

- Romans 11.



Help me embrace whatever You throw at me God.
Examine my heart. Make it like Yours.
Help me see where I need reform.
And likewise those who may benefit from self-examination.

Then, perhaps we can all benefit from Community.