Three days later...

I've had some time to soak it all in. To sit back, reflect, and meditate on what exactly God is putting on my plate. The result? Tears, pain, some joy, and just plain confusion. I have realized some things though...

- I still can't wrap my mind around the situation in the first place. This may seem obvious cause seriously...of all people involved in this ordeal, who can make sense of it? Clearly God has great purpose for Glorie (otherwise He wouldn't have saved her life). Yet what perplexes me most, and will probably never be understood by such a limited mind such as mine, is the method by which God chooses to glorify Himself. An accident of this magnitude? It may make sense later on as we gain more wisdom, but right now it's still ridiculous to me.

- One of the aspects of this situation, that stings most deeply, is the way I've been replaced so easily. The trusted few whom I've talked about this matter with always try to assure me that I haven't been replaced. Those seem like wise words, but they feel very empty right now. What reason do I have to believe that I haven't been replaced? I haven't talked with anyone from that family in a month and a half and the one time I did hear from Tita Maricor, she implied repeatedly that I was no longer needed. Seems to me as if those same "you haven't been replaced" words just don't hold much value right now. What hurts most deeply is the amount of time I was worth. After 4 years of growing in life together, it took a mere 4 months to forget about me. That's what I was worth to them--4 months.

- I'm sad. Really, really sad. It's starting to affect me physically. I don't always eat cause most of the time I don't feel like eating. I think my body is getting used to only eating once a day. I don't play basketball as much anymore and my dad says I'm losing a lot of weight. Hopefully one day I don't just collapse. The fact that God gracefully keeps my heart beating is beyond me.

- On the other end of that spectrum is the question, "Fred, what would make you happy?" Honestly, it would be having my family back. This whole situation has caused me to lose my best friend, my little sister, and my 2nd mother and father.

I desire so badly to just talk with Praise. To finally be able to catch up on what the Lord revealed to her in Mexico. To listen to all the people God used to impact her life and vice versa. I miss the little text messages she'd send me just to let me know that Glorie was in stable condition.

I miss Tita Maricor the most. I miss the Paul that God so frequently used to mold my spirit for the past four years. I miss just being able to talk and learn from the fountain of knowledge that she is. I miss one of my best friends. I miss being called anak.

I even miss Tito Henry. Even his own solemn demeanor heavily influenced my life. I still find it cool that he doesn't waste time expressing himself with mere words; his actions speak more profoundly on his behalf. By simply observing him, I learned and learned and learned.

Yet all these things will be but mere faded memories. Glorie's "prince charming" has arrived and Glorie's family is in full approval of him. Me? I'm less than nothing.

- Another thing I've noticed is the fact that many keep telling me that what I'm going through is for the better. While this may be a technically true statement, saying it to me at this point in my journey is far from comforting. What reason have I to believe that the abundant love the Glorie and her family poured out on me will be improved upon by someone else? Christ's love is a more perfect love, yes, but that's scratching the surface of a paradox that I can't quite grasp. The love that we receive, indirectly from God through other people, is much more manageable and just plain easier to understand. Glorie's family were among the best that poured it on me.

- I get so angry sometimes at this plate. I hate just lying around and sulking. I don't want to be some pity case for everyone to feel sorry for. The overlying story here is that God, in His great mercy, has chosen to make Glorie the showcase of His glory. Glorie reflects His luminance brighter than anyone else. From these things, I find my joy.