contemplative catharsis

I am weary.

With everything that has been going on with Glorie, I have tried my absolute hardest to play the biggest support role that I could. I have done everything in my power to disrobe my selfishness and clothe myself with humility and love. I have taken great lengths to make it personal that I ensure as many people as I could that there is hope in a situation as grave as Glorie's was. Gracefully, God has responded fervently. He has single-handedly restored Glorie from her previous condition and is continuing to do so daily. Amazing no?

However, I find myself in a horrible situation. I desire so badly to help in any way that I can. Yet, I also desire to stay out of the way of Glorie's family. I am such a simpleton. I can't begin to grasp what it's like to experience this situation from a Mother/Father's perspective (and for that matter, from a sister's perspective). I sincerely love Glorie, Praise, Tita Maricor and Tito Henry. They are my family. Yet why do they remain distant from me? The only other time I've felt like this was right before Praise's graduation. It turns out everyone was silent because Glorie had chosen Ryan. It appeared to be best to keep the news from me because no one wanted to hurt me. Yet, it stung all the more when I found out that everyone knew except me.

What if that's what's happening here? What if my 2nd family is choosing to remain distant from me to send me another clear message? What if I'm really not accepted the way that I thought that I was. Could it be that my time has passed? I am not loved in the same way that I once was? They may not want me around right now. If that's the case, that's ok...you know? I can accept that. Yet why would they choose not to tell me so? I just miss talking with them.

The fact that I entertain such filthy thoughts is beyond me as well. I cannot allow for there to be even a hint of doubt in my belief. Glorie needs me to support her and support her I shall. My focus cannot be shaken at such a critical time. My desire is simply to intercede for Glorie to the Lord.


It sure does hurt though. I'm finding it more and more difficult to encourage others. Not because there's nothing to encourage about, but because it's simply hard for me. I keep giving and giving and giving more of myself. Yet I feel like when's the last time I ever received anything?

But then again, it's not about me so what the nutz am I complaining about? *sigh*


I need help.