man I'm so weird

Tonight (or this morning?) I picked a great time to have insomnia.

I have to be at church in about 2 hours so I'll just go 24 hours without sleep. It was kind of weird. There's that feeling when you lie down and have your eyes closed but aren't quite asleep yet. Many people count sheep or do something rudimentary in order to get their minds to wind down and prepare for rest. When you're wired like me, this little "pre-sleep" time is when I have the most eccentric of thoughts. This can be good or bad as some times I will consider the most profound of ponderings in those moments. Other times I simply go buck wild thinking about so much. Tonight (or this morning?) was the latter.

I hung out with my crush again today. It was a weird spur-of-the-moment hang out session. We ended up playing poker when her phone kept blowing up with random text messages. I surmised from her wide smiles that they emanated from her crush. So naturally my heart sank just a little bit. It's a curious feeling really. Wanting so badly to be thought a certain way from a certain special individual...only to have them think nothing of the sort in your direction. It's like the whole time I just wanted to say "I wish you would smile for me sometime."

The thing is I can't quite identify what exactly that draws me to her. She is a Christian...but doesn't love Jesus half as much as I wish she would. She's pretty...but not Glorie pretty. We're completely different in fact. She gets inebriated from time to time and frequents the local poker table often. I do silly things like wake up early to go run cameras for a church and spend extra time trading video games to possibly make a small sum of money. She still makes extensive use of expletives that I long rid my vernacular of. She's smarter than me.

But, in the end, we have some pretty wonderful conversations. Although our past and present are worlds apart, there is an indescribable allure that exists toward the other person. According to her, she has never encountered someone so genuinely authentic, compassionate, and kind in her entire life. But I can't narrow precisely what it is about her that I like so much. She's interesting no doubt but what about her is so wonderful? I like how she laughs a lot. I like how she loves her family. I like her quirky sense of humor. I like how she thinks she's wittier than me.

I suppose it's the sum of all of those little things that attribute to my infatuation. I simply smile when I think about her. And I haven't been able to say that for a while about anyone. Every time I think about Glorie and I smile, it's immediately met with all the fallout from what happened last year. With Ms. T, it's simply...a smile.

I guess this is what is driving me nuts. For as much as she can make me smile, the sentiment isn't reciprocated entirely. I'm certain that she has some sort of affinity for me. It's evident in her body language. I just wish she was all giddy and girly over me. It sucks.

Thankfully, I have a pretty strong peace about this whole thing. Ever since all of this started to precipitate, all of my thoughts were intersected by the Holy Spirit.
"Do you want Me fred or do you want a girl?"
"Do you love Me fred or do you only sing those songs to me at church?"
"Do you trust Me or not fred?"

And here I was thinking that this trust lesson was over with already.