thinking tuesdays

The management team at NYL is getting pretty frustrated with our group.

It's kind of funny when you think about it. I imagine it's akin to when someone joins any sort of group initiation environment. It's easy to compare/contrast previous groups with the current one. I feel we're among the worst regimen ever to enter. It's ok though. I feel like I'll prove my worth when it's all said and done. I've always loved the fact that I'm a late bloomer anyway.

In other semi-frustrating news, I hit a really rough spot tonight. I finished watching House and tried studying all the stuff we're required to know for the new job. At some point, when my head started to hurt, I decided to take a "break."

Bad idea.

I walked around and just let thoughts come to me in a whimsical fashion. This inevitably led to Glorie and man did it hit me bad. I tried thinking of Kristy just to thwart my brain but it was a losing effort. I got kind of angry at some point.

There was email correspondence that had been taking place but it stopped abruptly. The problem is that I had some pretty critical questions for her/her family in my last email which have never been answered. It's not too late for them to respond, but as each day goes by the urgency will go down and thus the greater the probability that these questions will never be answered.

Oh well. It really boils back down to the crux of the matter that I proposed from the very beginning. If they could do it all over again, would they change anything? If they wouldn't change what they did to me (and to use their words "we're not sorry for what we did cause we didn't do anything wrong") then I think it would give me a tremendous amount of closure to actually hear it. Then I'll know that they slammed the door shut with a resounding thud.

Tonight was different in that I wondered why they said those things to me. I thought about what would happen if my parents found out they held to that precise position (remember, at this point my parents are under the impression that they're sorry for everything that they did). I really wonder what would happen if her family said to mine, "we're not sorry for anything we did to Fred because we didn't do anything wrong." Obviously this hypothetical would never happen, but the irony is that this precise sentiment is a driving factor as to why we aren't friends.

All of this is to say that I got pretty frustrated. I didn't even know why I was consuming myself with such thoughts. But, I suppose this is what's still on my mind. I can't believe how incredibly deep this relationship went in my life. And, if I had to be honest, I guess that I'm pretty hurt that the same wasn't true for my counterpart(s).

Lord, give me clarity in viewing this situation from your eyes and fresh perspective to consider aspects I have yet to ponder. More than anything, help me respond in a way that's righteous but loving; I want to respond the same way You responded to me when I broke our relationship. Leverage this event for Your glory such that I can proudly showcase how You grow Your kid's faith if we only let You.