feelin' like akljdhsgl

Frustration. It's really unreal how bad it can get sometimes.

I was finally able to talk with Glorie after playing tag with her for the past 4 days. We began our usual dance routine but I am pretty scared about where it's headed next.

It started when I simply asked what she did for her birthday. She simply replied that she hung out with her friends. I dug further (as I would have, mind you, with any of my other friends) when she remained insistent on not telling me which friends she hung out with. I persisted further only to get declined again.

Naturally, awkward silence ensued. She was clearly guarding something and I didn't really want it to be a bother...but the fact is that her intentionally keeping that info from me was marking just where the relationship stood. She wasn't telling me for a specific purpose. In other words, had things been "normal" between us, she would have had no problem at all telling me (like how things have always been). But, as reality harshly points out, we aren't...normal.

Turns out that kat kat was the one she ended up going out with. And the reason she was withholding that info from me was because she didn't want me to get all weird and stuff because I couldn't come down to see her. Of course it probably didn't help that the first thing out of my mouth was, "no I can kind of tell when I'm not wanted." which was much to her disapproval. I didn't say that to be spiteful though. I was just raw with how I saw the situation. If we had to distill it, she and her family would have rather not had me there than enjoy my presence. It's the truth. I just didn't say it in the politically correct way.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone down even if I had known kat kat's plans. It seems obvious that it would have been unwise and simply not in the best interest of the entire friendship that needs rebuilding. I just wish kat kat would've told me; not because she needs my permission or anything but so that I could have perhaps sent a personal note or something to be hand delivered. But, as I look at it in hindsight, I suppose they were just going through preventative measures to keep tension at a minimum. But then again...that doesn't make any sense. The best remedy against tension is transparency. Blah.

The end result was the same though (sadly). The only thing different here was that I discovered a little bit more just how low Glorie views me. I mean she can't even share with me the people whom she joyfully enjoyed her birthday with. And we ended up leaving with a little bit more uneasyness than we started the day with. She says she doesn't like talking to me cause I always get sad about something. I always get sad about something cause I always discover another way with which she doesn't view me as any ordinary friend anymore. It's a depressing cycle.

I hope and pray desperately for a breakthrough. I'm trying my best. But she may just run out of patience.