next?

I recently had a conversation with Glorie that proved rather insightful.

A few weeks ago, when I first discovered the posture of my heart (in all its ugliness), I called her simply to let her know the crazy stuff God was up to. I didn't really have subtle intent behind it all; rather, just an uncomplicated phone call to notify my "under construction" sign going up. She reacted in her normal sort of way. "Oh really? That's cool."

In fairness, she genuinely was happy that I was on a track for change, but nothing worth going crazy over. So, I started calling her and tried talking like I would any one of my normal friends. No bringing up the past. No intent of directing the conversation one way or another. Just simple, let the conversations lead where it may kinda stuff. The only problem is that she had become a fairly hard person to contact. We played phone tag for quite some time. Which leads us to our most recent conversation.

We started with the requisite small talk and then hit the awkward silence portion of the evening. It was horrible. It was one of those conversations that was actually an interrogation. I kept trying to be open and be as natural as possible but, for one reason or another, conversation was not to be had. In other words, it was just one person talking and the other answering. Discouraging to say the least. I told her how awkward it was making me feel. That's when she finally shared her perspective with me.

The general sentiment was that she felt it would not be appropriate for us to talk everyday. Instead, weekly would be a more fitting time interval. This was not altogether surprising to me. I mean that's to be expected from many of my friends. But it's the support that came afterward that was really hard to hear.

Essentially, her words distilled into one general message: "You have to deal with your past before we can talk." Obviously she didn't quite put it so plainly, but it was very much the signal she was sending. The logic is, according to her, that even though we may voluntarily choose not to bring up the past it will continue to be an issue until I address it.

There is some truth to what she's getting at. It will be an issue until God can move me to a place of complete forgiveness. However, does that mean that our friendship has to be mutually exclusive until that point? In other words, is it necessary for us to not talk simply because I haven't "dealt" with this pain?

I suppose it's only fitting for her/them to hold a position like that. After all, I was the one demanding for contrition before I allowed for the rebuilding of the friendship so this must be what it feels like to taste my own medicine. The only difference here is that I thought there would be at least a modicum of happiness for me when my mind finally "got around" to realizing that perhaps I was wrong. I know that I would've been jumping for joy if they ever stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, some of the decisions that they made were not the most wise.

In all honesty, I wonder if all of this stuff is worth it. I thought Glorie and I would be able to enjoy deep friendship again at some point because we both would be able to feel that unique place that the other used to hold in their life. But, if our last conversation was any indication, she could care less whether or not we're friends. She sure doesn't get happy when she talks with me (as I do with her).

Which...hurts me. Cause I get so incredibly happy when she calls me.