...breakthrough?

I should be studying right now. I'd rather write.

I've had a hard time balancing different elements of my life lately. On one hand, I'm incredibly excited about the direction of my life. There's a prospective job where I would be doing something that I actually enjoy (helping people + money = helping people with their money!). I'm about to start up another class at Northpoint where I would delve into the New Testament with the same mentors who blew me away with the Old Testament. And, perhaps most important, is that the new season of House is about to start!!

But there's always the other hand. I can't, even if someone paid me a million dollars, stop thinking about "the situation." There has been some progress, but, for the most part, we remain at our impasse. It just doesn't make that much sense to me (the premise our bitter disagreement). They are sorry for the results of what has happened (a break in our relationship) but they aren't sorry for what they did. I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating as to why they hold so firmly onto this belief. I walk away frustrated every single time. The effects, of course, is that my inability to repair/reconcile the situation has been incredibly taxing. I feel some innate responsibility to fix everything even though that is not entirely possible. I have identified, however, that the reason I keep thinking and rethinking everything is because it's all incredibly important to me. I want to be close friends with Glorie and have close relationships with all in her family again. But...it doesn't mean anything.

Needless to say, carrying this around hasn't been fun at all. It's slowly changed me into a malcontent, depressed being. The problem is that that burdened state is precisely what God calls His kids NOT to be. If I am to take this Faith seriously, I must seriously live the creed of Matt 11:28-30.

But I haven't.

Instead, I've been fixated on being "real" and transparent. In some bizarre way, I thought it would be beneficial to be forth with the fact that I was angry at God for not understanding what I was going through. I now realize, with scintillating soberness, that I've been so selfish. My superficial "be joyful always" attitude has been anything but real. And, in all honesty, who am I to demand an explanation from the One who has suffered 10x more than the tiny amount of heartache I've endured?

I'm starting to believe something different. It is certainly appropriate for me to be torn and broken over the dissension that's still so evident in "the situation." HOWEVER, true faith (that honors God) calls for trust; that despite the confusion and uncertainty of the future, the sadness gleams brightly singularly because of the Hope Giver that champions over us all.

There is true and satisfying joy to be had. It's simply a choice that one has to make. And I have been choosing poorly.