Friday Night Thoughts

In the end, I'm finding it easier to smile.

It's incredibly difficult. It's mentally exhausting. But, I'm slowly recovering. I'm eating more now (which is a good thing?). I'm sleeping a little bit better (although when I first lay my head on my pillow, I think about the situation every single night). But, there is light--and it's incredibly bright.

I've stated that it would be so convenient if I could just wrap a big bow around this story and sprinkle some Disney magic to make this thing happily ever after. But, I'm starting to believe more and more, that that bow will never be a reality. This is not in and of itself a bad thing per se; yet it speaks loudly to the reality that everyone, for the large part, is comfortable with the way things stand. I hate where things stand. I want unity. I want communion. I want restoration and clarity. But does anyone else want it?

My parents know how I feel about this, but they long for my heart to turn and accept the reality that the friendship between our families is no more. I wish I knew, with certainty, how they counter party felt. But that hope seems to dissipate daily. I haven't talked to the sister since last year. Likewise with the father. And with the mother it's been more than 6 months. Maybe they feel the same as my parents. Who knows?

One thing I've been holding to is a principle I've learned throughout this whole situation. Many people believe that "everything happens for a reason", but after the fact many resign and sit content never quite knowing what said "reason" really was. That is, if everything happens for a reason, what is the reason?

Since I'm such a big believer in the Christian faith, I naturally turned toward the bible for answers to the question "why?" Now, I'm also a big believer in people being able to make the bible say anything that they want. So, with great trepidation, I rely on the Holy Spirit making simple to me what message God may be trying to communicate to me through the bible as well as devotion to prayer and consultation of wise council. That way, I ensure the greatest level of objectivity before I start saying ridiculous things like "I heard from God and He wants me to do [x]" and thus wildly misrepresenting my Savior.

With that said, I have found the most curious of trends echoed all throughout scripture. Plain and simple is the thought: "We see things on a small scale whereas God works on a scale bigger than we can imagine." Typical Christian adages would go something along of the lines of "When we see the seed, God sees the apple." I like to say (and this is taken from Louie Giglio), when we are staring on our 4x6 or 3x5 snapshots, God is looking at a canvas that's as big as the universe. In a nutshell, God works BIG--and sometimes we fail to keep that in perspective.

Yet that lesson is far too easy. I've found something far more profound just by digging a little deeper. That thought is precisely this: God is completely willing to let His children endure hardship if, on the bigger scale, it means people find salvation.

Joseph had to endure hardship (brothers selling him off?) so that the nation of Egypt might be saved.
Paul and Silas got thrown in jail so that a simple roman guard would find salvation.
Job, aka Mr. Suffering, endured all sorts of calamities so that to prove to all generations the incredible power of faith.
Then there's Jesus. Whose hardship meant that everyone had access to Life forever and ever.

On a small scale, I believe that perhaps I am going through the same thing. I have heard whispers of many close to Ryan finding salvation in Christ due to the closeness of their friendship with the Santos family; a reality that wouldn't have been had things transpired the way that I hoped. And as much as I wish I could say I find joy in that, I can't cause I don't. However, I am smiling. And I do think God is crazy. Yet I can say, with certainty, that I receive God's decision if that ended up being a portion of His greater plan for my life.

With this said, I can't even start to imagine whose life God will touch with the hardship that Glorie has had (and continues to in a sense) endure. There is just a fountain of potential when I view her life. I surely hope I have the honor of being able to continually remind her of the lives that have yet to be touched as a result of her story. I believe that there is beauty yet to be realized and man will it be awesome.

So, I guess after a year I still find myself in a big mess. And, well, that's not that bad of a place to be.