man not again

I traded yesterday.

Yesterday evening was supposed to be devoted to reevaluation and contemplation. Instead I chose to play tennis. I hit around with my team for a good bit and stuff. Then, I got to play with Phuong.

Talk about humility.

All this time I thought I was getting better. Then I just got owned. Not even owned. Just straight up PWN. We played a set and I lost 6-0. The best I could muster was simply extending the games to deuce. I didn't play my best, but it was so great seeing how I need to step off my high horse and realize that I need to work on my game more if I want to be truly great.

Then of course came seeing Kristy again.

I get so extremely happy just to see her. Even though our conversations now are nothing more than hello I still light up a little bit because of her value to me. But, it's kind of weird because I don't really know what I should to to act around her. I try "just being myself" but that doesn't yield anything. I'll smile and try and act like my playful self but she doesn't seem to be amused with me at all. Yesterday the best I could muster was a little joke and she quaintly responded, "you're lame." I try texting her now and then just to be "normal" but, again, no interest.

It really is a terrible feeling.

Now I find myself in the most precarious of situations because I've spent a considerable amount of time this morning just thinking about her. I talked about it yesterday with Myriam about how dumb it makes me feel. She did the usual readjusting of the lens, but I think it was helpful to know that it's ok that I STILL miss her.

And, the more I'm able to objectively survey the situation, the more things become obvious to me. She means a lot to me. I don't mean that much to her. It is what it is.