manic mondays

I'm feeling awful.

It started with this morning. I went to work today (actually pretty eager to get the day rolling and everything). When all of a sudden I got a text message saying that career builder today was in Brian's office. Brian isn't the most encouraging of people. But then again why should he be? He's paid his dues. Being the general manager of the Atlanta GO, it's technically his job to ride everyone just to make sure they're doing what they need to. This is how his life intersects mine.

The story basically boils down to Brian chewing me out because my numbers aren't where they should be at the moment. I could go on and on justifying my position (which I truly have some justification), but the bottom line is that my number isn't where Brian or NYL expects it to be. But what really got to me today was how Brian essentially humiliated me (and one other person) in front of everyone.

"You should take the next two weeks off and just quit."

There's lots of talk at the office about celebrating pain, but it's something else to just get told that straight up in your face. I have nothing but respect for Brian (he wouldn't be in the position he's in were it not for the hard work he has already done), but I think it's wise to consider alternative forms of motivation besides negative ones. Not everyone responds well to that BS.

In my case, all it did was discourage me.

Perhaps that was the whole point. He either wanted me to intensify my efforts or get off the bandwagon. I guess I responded favorably (I ended up setting four appointments today) but whatever. I mean it's like when you hit a horse with a whip. Sure he'll move faster. You'll probably be able to produce repeated results for a considerable amount of time. But how long until the horse's back gives out due to repeated abuse? That's why Jesus was so brilliant. He had every authority to point a finger and tell people how wrong they were relative to their standing before God. But instead, He truly saw people as they should be and not as they appeared at the moment. What a guy.

I better be careful with how this junk affects me. There's gunk buildup all around in my heart.

I feel like I was treated unfairly.
I feel frustrated because my work isn't paying off.
I feel disappointed because I let myself get in this position.
I feel angry because I can't get back at Brian.
Maybe I just feel jealousy because I'm not making as much money as Brian.


I feel a lot of things right now. And I'm losing focus.


Yet, I still have faith. If I work as hard as I can on my end, I can't be held accountable anymore.

I can only trust God for the rest.